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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you use your lounge pass if rest of your party didn’t have one?

298 replies

Havabiscuit · 02/10/2018 04:48

We are going on holiday with my Dad and Step mum. Df has early Alzheimer’s and wants to visit his favourite restaurant in Spain. We have a timeshare out there. Glad to help out.
However Sm has been weird, she is a bit of a controller I know but now dreading whole thing. I originally wanted to book early morning flights. They are silly o clock but cheap. She thought this was too much for df so we booked more expensive flights 10am. Today, when suggesting joint taxi to airport it turns out she wants to go early and use her lounge passes for breakfast. “Unfortunately” she laughs “we can’t get you in as guests, you will have pay £25”
I’m fuming and don’t want to go. ( or at least don’t want her to go)

OP posts:
Bluelady · 02/10/2018 13:34

No, space, not bitter at all. Just realistic.

swg1 · 02/10/2018 13:36

RibbonAurora My point is that if I were in the middle of sorting something like this out and someone tried to pull me up over something as petty as a laugh that they took the wrong way I would probably never want to speak to them again, at least not until the person I was caring for was dead.

You think someone laughing when they said something is petty. I think taking offence at a laugh from someone who is trying to deal with their life-partner suddenly being that ill which may or may not have been intended rudely is incredibly petty.

spacemobile · 02/10/2018 13:37

Bluelady
It’s not realistic to make things up about what the OP does or doesn’t know. It’s just making things up!

spacemobile · 02/10/2018 13:40

swg1

You seem to know the family well, just how I’ll is the OP’s DF and how suddenly did his condition present?

Bluelady · 02/10/2018 13:45

You missed those crucial words "I suspect", space. They make all the difference.

swg1 · 02/10/2018 13:46

*I think it is so patronising to say it will be a revelation for the OP! We have no idea what the OP knows or does not know about her father’s condition.

Some bitter people on this thread.*

Have you had a close family member be terminally ill? Not being sarcastic, asking genuinely, have you?

Because until you've lived with it properly lived with it and seen it and felt it you don't get it. Normal rules get suspended a bit. Good manners certainly do. You either learn to be kind or make allowances for each other or you won't all be speaking at the end of it.

I've done a lot worse than give a questionably rude laugh. I've had screaming tearful rows with my husband over the fact he dared be fasting on a day he prepared us a lovely Sunday dinner. I've snapped at people at work (and apologised later). Hell, I even lost my temper at my lovely kids a few times and had to walk outside to calm down because I was able to shut down that emotional rollercoaster.

I was forgiven. And I forgave in turn when they lost their tempers at me, or were snarky. Sometimes frequently without being asked to.

Start out by being pissed off by someone laughing wrong at this point and they have no chance.

spacemobile · 02/10/2018 13:54

People are determined to “suspect”, invent and assume OP. Apparently your stepmother is rude because she’s stressed because she’s the full time carer for your DF and carers are like that. You know nothing about your father’s condition but soon you will find out.

So now you know!

Bluelady · 02/10/2018 13:57

Swg, bloody awful, isn't it? 💐

spacemobile · 02/10/2018 13:58

Bluelady Lol!

Whizbang · 02/10/2018 14:01

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Bluelady · 02/10/2018 14:09

spacemobile, we'll never know how much you'll laugh if your parent gets dementia, will we? Let's hope you never have to find out. You're contemptible.

Geraldine170 · 02/10/2018 14:20

swg been there too. My DM is very lucky as both her kids are understanding and DF does try his best not to be too demanding. It’s not easy though. We’ve certainly found out who our friends are.

I have also had the misfortune of coming across far more than my fair share of people like spacemobile, who have absolutely no knowledge or experience of what it’s like having a carer in the family who just think you carry on as normal. We can’t. I’ve learned just to tune them and their unhelpful wisdom out.

What I’ve learned most though is that when you have a carer in the family pretty soon you learn to stop sweating it over the small stuff like not having breakfast together or not being able to travel at peak times. This is because I know although I have to make small allowances and adjustments, it’s not me who has to do the boring, tedious, day in day out work of feeding, doling out drugs, cleaning, washing, tidying, doctors appointments, arranging help for absences. My DM’s children hadn’t left home when it began and she went straight to caring for another adult. It’s been 24 years so far and will carry on until my DF passes away. It’s longer and harder than even having a child and is much more isolating and depressing. And God help her if one of her parents or children gets sick and she has to find a way to split herself in two!

I imagine you’ll learn all this OP. It’s early days for you. Give it a few years and you’ll be on here giving out the same advice as the old hands.

Havaina · 02/10/2018 14:34

Spacemobile...you’re actually laughing at Bluelady displaying sympathy for the very sad account that swg1 has just given? What a nasty individual you are.

I thought Spacemobile's 'LOL' was about Bluelady's post about 'I suspect'. Not sure why your mind immediately went to the disability. That says more about you actually, Whizbang.

thedogiswearingtartan · 02/10/2018 14:34

It sounds like she is purely thinking of your df. She's not thinking of you. She's thinking of how to make the trip as easy and pleasant as possible for him, and hoping that you'll be accomodating.

AloeVeraDuckworth · 02/10/2018 14:40

I wouldn't normally use the lounge if the whole group couldn't join us but under these circumstances, if I were you, I would insist that they go there and relax, enjoy breakfast and catch up with them after some shopping - even if there was no illness involved, I would want my parents to do this.

I hope you can get over this OP. Try to have a nice time.

Bluelady · 02/10/2018 14:40

Strange three of us thought the same thing, then.

spacemobile · 02/10/2018 14:40

...and once these people decide you are horrid they call you names and accuse you of laughing at someone’s horrible life because it makes them feel better.

Oh well. I hope your sm doesn’t wreck your dad’s holiday op. Smile

spacemobile · 02/10/2018 14:41

Thank you Havaina. There was no point in my saying it!

Havaina · 02/10/2018 14:41

Strange three of us thought the same thing, then.

Not very strange considering you all disagreed with spacemobile and conveniently misinterpreted her post.

Geraldine170 · 02/10/2018 14:46

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spacemobile · 02/10/2018 14:47

I am not Havaina. Report me if you think I am.

Technonan · 02/10/2018 14:50

She's married to your father and he has early Alzheimer's? The poor woman is probably going through too much to really think much about you and your breakfast past. Are they wealthy, or would the extra £25 each be a problem? I'd just pay it and not think about it, to be honest. I'd also be damn grateful there was someone to care for my father with such a debilitating illness.

Havaina · 02/10/2018 14:50

Geraldine170 - how completely pathetic.

So sad that I can't stick up for someone without being accused of being a sock!

Go and report me to MNHQ, and then report back their response here, please. Grin

RibbonAurora · 02/10/2018 15:39

A lot of me-railing going on here, many of us have our stories, but it's not about anyone else or how hard they had it, it's about the OP. In the rush to pile on the competitive misery and beat the OP up about how she's failing to be sensitive enough to her SM how about sparing a thought for what the OP is dealing with in terms of fear and grief about the impending loss of her father?

She may not be actively his main carer but I'm fairly certain she's not having an easy time coming to terms with his diagnosis and the implications of that. If the SM had said "we're going early in the taxi to have breakfast in the VIP lounge because it'll be less stressful and easier for your Dad and it may be our last chance to do this together" I'm sure OP wouldn't have found anything wrong with that but she didn't did she?

LillianGish · 02/10/2018 16:44

This a thread about a dad with Alzheimers and people with experience have come on to give some perspective. At the moment the OP is fixated on whether she gets whether she gets to have breakfast in the VIP lounge and an imagined snub. Thank you Geraldine and others for so movingly giving the other side the story I hope the OP is reading and taking note. This is what Mumsnet is all about - whatever situation you find yourself in, there is always someone who has been through it and can give advice. None of your RL friends might understand, but someone on here will. In your shoes OP I'd be biting my tongue and making the most of this time with my dad - you don't know how long you've got. Don't waste his last good years/months on recriminations. Life is quite literally too short.