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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you use your lounge pass if rest of your party didn’t have one?

298 replies

Havabiscuit · 02/10/2018 04:48

We are going on holiday with my Dad and Step mum. Df has early Alzheimer’s and wants to visit his favourite restaurant in Spain. We have a timeshare out there. Glad to help out.
However Sm has been weird, she is a bit of a controller I know but now dreading whole thing. I originally wanted to book early morning flights. They are silly o clock but cheap. She thought this was too much for df so we booked more expensive flights 10am. Today, when suggesting joint taxi to airport it turns out she wants to go early and use her lounge passes for breakfast. “Unfortunately” she laughs “we can’t get you in as guests, you will have pay £25”
I’m fuming and don’t want to go. ( or at least don’t want her to go)

OP posts:
PollyFlinderz · 02/10/2018 12:14

OP, this holiday is only about your dad and that really is the bottom line.

Just do whatever you have to do to make it happen for him because nothing else matters right now.

BarbaraofSevillle · 02/10/2018 12:23

swg But the OP hasn't said anything about DF and SM being short of money. They could be millionaires for all we know.

After all, lounge passes are not usually something associated with the strapped for cash and they're already making other choices that are expensive - if you're really short of cash, you take the shitty early morning flight, it is's cheaper, for example and a taxi to the airport would rarely be the cheapest choice unless you are already on the doorstep.

RibbonAurora · 02/10/2018 12:26

Can't believe the number of people who just dump people they are traveling with for the sake of an hour availing themselves of the dubious pleasures of the VIP lounges. They're really not all that and I only ever use them if traveling alone at peak time in a crazy busy airport. It is rude to leave members of your party, it sets a 'more special than thou' tone from the off.

That said, in this case there is a compelling reason for the use of the lounge in that the OP's father will benefit from being in a quieter area while waiting to board the plane. I wouldn't have a problem with sm and df doing this, what I would have a problem with would be the sm's attitude. The laugh was gratuitously rude and this is petty point-scoring especially as OP is doing them a favour and has already changed her own travel times to accommodate theirs.

SM might have a hard row to hoe with df and, clearly, that won't improve as his condition deteriorates but she might want to consider not alienating the people who will be the ones she most likely will need for support and additional help going forward. I wouldn't rise to it, OP, it's not worth getting into it before your holiday, I'd just tell them to enjoy their breakfast and you'll meet them at the gate.

Bluelady · 02/10/2018 12:28

No, Barbara, you do whatever is easiest for the vulnerable person and meets their needs. SM may think this is the last holiday her husband will ever have. You don't put a person with dementia through the stress of an early morning flight when it takes a lot of time and patience to get them up and dressed. You don't take them through a crowded airport where they'll be confused by the noise and the bustle and may well wander off and get lost.

Like I said, it's easy to see who's experienced this and who hasn't.

swg1 · 02/10/2018 12:33

Yes, you do. If you have that option.

This is what I mean about "being chronically ill is expensive". Your choices are no longer "well, we'll do that because it's the cheapest option". They very quickly become "we'll do that because it's the only option your dad can cope with".

You don't get the flights at silly o clock because he can't cope even though it's cheaper.

You get a taxi because getting him on and off public transport would be a nightmare.

The mumsnet "cut your cloth" ethos does not WORK when trying to do this kind of planning.

And she's his daughter. Would your parents have told you if they were strapped for cash? My mum would have cut her own arm off before admitting it to me. I'm in my late thirties but she still felt I was her kid and needed shielding a bit.

Whizbang · 02/10/2018 12:40

You are absolutely right Bluelady, and also correct that it is v clear from the responses who has and has not experienced this.

Some commenting on here need a short sharp lesson in empathy.

swg1 · 02/10/2018 12:40

I wouldn't have a problem with sm and df doing this, what I would have a problem with would be the sm's attitude. The laugh was gratuitously rude and this is petty point-scoring especially as OP is doing them a favour and has already changed her own travel times to accommodate theirs.

So the phrase was fine, going to the lounge was fine but she laughed (which in her head might being been a rueful "this sucks but what can you do" laugh) and so she is rude? And it's her who is being petty? Wow.

BuntyII · 02/10/2018 12:43

Just let your father enjoy what could be his last holiday and stop whinging and being so bloody stingy?

Quartz2208 · 02/10/2018 12:43

Or maybe it was easier than say actually getting a joint taxi at the time you want is too much stress for your father - its easier if we do it ourselves so he can have plenty of time to settle and I can be in control.

It sounds like the OP is sheltered from the truth of what it actually means it she is still not getting it is too much

companylovesmisery · 02/10/2018 12:54

The OP is the one who knows what was said and how it was said and what the laugh was like. The OP is the one put out enough to not want her to go now and is venting.

Posters can make up what they like and say
other people don’t know what it’s like (as if they have all travelled with the SM and op’s father and know exactly what they are like because all people are the same and all carers are the same - rueful and stressed and worried about money apparently - and all Alzheimer's sufferers are the same 🙄) to try and shame people into not saying what they don’t want to hear but the OP is the one who is experiencing it, not them.

You have my sympathies OP. I hope you can grin and bear it.

swg1 · 02/10/2018 12:58

Ah so we're now on "Am I being unreasonable (I know I'm not because only I was there to hear the exact tone of voice used when my stepmother used what, in itself, is a fairly innocuous phrase)" are we? Good to know.

If OP hadn't added the "laugh" in the middle there would be absolutely no question she was being unreasonable.

companylovesmisery · 02/10/2018 13:02

swg1 If the SM hadn’t been so rude, I doubt the op would have posted at all.

Some of us are going by what the opening post says. Others are making things up to justify their sticking the boot in.

companylovesmisery · 02/10/2018 13:05

swg1 And it’s not ”Am I being unreasonable (I know I'm not because only I was there to hear the exact tone of voice used when my stepmother used what, in itself, is a fairly innocuous phrase)" are we?” because I wrote the post to which you are referring but you are STILL blaming the OP for it!

You really have it in for her for some reason.

Quartz2208 · 02/10/2018 13:06

I am going by what the opening post says in that the OP is unhappy that her suggestions are not being followed without really thinking through why the SM is doing it.

You are right in that only the OP knows but its one of two things:

  1. there is a massive backstory as to why the SM has always been unpleasant in which she did sneer and is awfuk or
  2. She is trying to protect the OP from the reality of how bad her father is and is also trying to make everything run as smoothly as possible

The use of the word weird to be indicates that this isnt normally how it goes so its entirely likely its all down to number 2. Weird means that this isnt how she normally is

Bluelady · 02/10/2018 13:10

I don't think anyone's blaming OP, just pointing out the possible reasons for her SM's choices.

swg1 · 02/10/2018 13:11

You do realise the OP can be wrong without lying about it?

It's the bitch eating crackers phenomenon. Once you're in the mood to get pissed off about something (She vetoed the flights I suggested and she doesn't want to share a taxi and they're going into the airport lounge without us) everything else becomes much more likely to be viewed in a negative light (and when she told me, she laughed, that utter bitch, clearly it was a dig!)

companylovesmisery · 02/10/2018 13:11

quartz There are a load of possibilities, not two!

RibbonAurora · 02/10/2018 13:11

swg1 did I say the phrase was fine, I said the laugh was gratuitously rude and yes, petty i.e. an added, unneeded slap to the way it was worded. Not sure what your point is here. You can surmise it was done in a 'rueful, what can you do' way if you like but, unlike you, the OP knows the sm and is probably better placed than you to determine tone and intent.

I get the SM has it difficult, I said that in my post, but there is still no need to be like that with people who are doing you a favour.

spacemobile · 02/10/2018 13:13

You do realise the OP could be entirely right!

Bluelady · 02/10/2018 13:20

Thing is OP isn't doing SM a favour, she's doing her dad a favour. This in all probability won't be a holiday for SM, she'll be doing the same caring in a warmer climate. Possibly with the added stress of having to watch him all the time and deal with the extra confusion caused by being away from home.

OP, if you're still reading I hope you all have a very good time. I suspect this holiday is going to be a bit of a revelation to you.

stevie69 · 02/10/2018 13:24

No, I wouldn't. I'd mix it with the rest of the travelling party.

I expect that opinion will vary here.

user1andonly · 02/10/2018 13:26

In this situation, I'd be a little pissed off with her but I'd let it go for my Dad's sake.

Drop them at the lounge, go for breakfast somewhere else and meet them at the gate.

If I was with a group of friends and I was the only one with a pass, I doubt I would use it (except maybe to nip in to the presumably posher toilets!) but I think your Dad deserves the best experience he can have and I wouldn't want him to know I was remotely bothered.

spacemobile · 02/10/2018 13:27

I think it is so patronising to say it will be a revelation for the OP! We have no idea what the OP knows or does not know about her father’s condition.

Some bitter people on this thread.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 02/10/2018 13:27

It won't be a proper lounge. The official airlines business and first class lounges do not allow you to pay to enter. The lounge she is so high and mighty about will be terrible. Your not missing out.

Xenia · 02/10/2018 13:30

Ribbon, thre are often 7 or 9 of us travelling, all my 5 children are adult and I am paying for a luxuty holiday for all of them. The least they can give me is one hour in some scruffy lounge whilst they get better food and service outside of it half the time. They know I love being on my own anyway. no one is offended by it.