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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you use your lounge pass if rest of your party didn’t have one?

298 replies

Havabiscuit · 02/10/2018 04:48

We are going on holiday with my Dad and Step mum. Df has early Alzheimer’s and wants to visit his favourite restaurant in Spain. We have a timeshare out there. Glad to help out.
However Sm has been weird, she is a bit of a controller I know but now dreading whole thing. I originally wanted to book early morning flights. They are silly o clock but cheap. She thought this was too much for df so we booked more expensive flights 10am. Today, when suggesting joint taxi to airport it turns out she wants to go early and use her lounge passes for breakfast. “Unfortunately” she laughs “we can’t get you in as guests, you will have pay £25”
I’m fuming and don’t want to go. ( or at least don’t want her to go)

OP posts:
Ruperbear · 03/10/2018 17:48

What a lovely thing you are doing for your Dad. I would focus on that. Anything else isn’t important. Have fun and make some memories.

Shell4429 · 03/10/2018 18:02

Your SM will have a lot to contend with as your Fathers illness gets worse. You will be grateful to her then, so giving way to her at this moment in time is the most graceful way to handle it IMO.

Canuckduck · 03/10/2018 18:09

You’re fuming over this? It really isn’t a big deal.

BigHoofs · 03/10/2018 18:12

YOUR FATHER HAS ALZHEIMER'S

Of course you are being unreasonable. Do you really have to ask?

Alzhiemer's sufferers can get very disorientated and distressed by unfamiliar environments and airports are horrible at the best of times.

Comfort for him v £25 for you? Or a couple of hours mooching around on your own? Come off it.

If this is a real question, I think you really need to take a hard look at your attitude to your father. Alzheimers is a terrible disease.

ilovegin112 · 03/10/2018 18:17

If you have so much trouble with your stepmum why didn’t you suggest giving her a break and take him yourself ? You could have got the earlier flight and not bothered about the lounge

Enthymeme · 03/10/2018 18:19

I like toomuchtooold comment viz ‘classy’. Couldn’t agree more. You can show your class by rising above it (for the sake of your dad),learning from it, filing it away and not making the same mistakes again. No matter how much you do for some people their behaviour will always fall short of classy.

abacucat · 03/10/2018 18:27

I suspect those saying YABU have had experience with someone with Alzheimers, and those saying YANBU have not. Making things as easy as possible for your dad can be the difference between the journey being fine, and him having a meltdown as he gets disorientated and upset. I would not normally pay for lounge access, but in this case it seems like a good idea.

abacucat · 03/10/2018 18:28

Also you will have a lot of communication with your dads partner in the future as he deteriorates, so it is important to have good relations. Don't sweat the small stuff.

ferrier · 03/10/2018 18:32

I'm not understanding why dsm can get there early enough for the lounge pass breakfast but not for the earlier cheaper flight?

spacemobile · 03/10/2018 18:35

This isn’t about the OP’s dad’s illness or breakfast. This is about the attitude of the SM calling the shots on a holiday the OP is arranging for her father.

The SM originally said no to cheaper way morning flights... but then said she was going in early to use the lounge. Rude! If she was really concerned about the early rising being a problem for her husband she wouldn’t be going in early.

Read the thread people!

spacemobile · 03/10/2018 18:36

ferrier exactly!

spacemobile · 03/10/2018 18:37

cheaper way morning = cheaper early morning

abacucat · 03/10/2018 18:37

Except the flights were very early. Getting a breakfast does not require getting in that much earlier.

ManInTheMoonMarigold · 03/10/2018 18:50

It's not just about the flights being too early, though. It's also about having time to break up all the things they need to do into calm, manageable stages that the OP's father can hopefully cope with, rather than rushing and agitating someone who may get easily confused.

They do the first part, then they can rest and recover and regroup calmly in the lounge for an hour, before moving on to the next potentially stressful part.

Starlings27 · 03/10/2018 19:24

@ferrier, has OP stated the actual timings of the earlier and later flights? If not, I’d assume the early flights meant getting to the airport at say 7am for a 9am flight, and the later flights are at 11.30, and the stepmum wants to get there for 9 instead of 9.30 or something similar. I doubt she’s planning on getting there at the crack of dawn, just a bit early to make everything a bit less rushed.

Tistheseason17 · 03/10/2018 19:34

I don't want to be all doom and gloom but please keep an eye on your SM.

My uncle's wife siphoned off all his cash and then divorced him once his Alzheimer's got too bad. It was desperately sad as he cared so deeply for her but she did not feel the same. Not all stepmums are like this but just watch out. Equally, she may be a good egg and need some help from you, too

nannykatherine · 03/10/2018 19:35

your father has alzidmers and your whining about a lounge pass 😧
travelling can be disorienting for Alziemers sufferers .
my mother wanted to go to one of her faveorite places so obviously i took her only for her to say it wasn’t the right place and we had to drive all the way back home again .
have you actually thought this trip thro ??

nannykatherine · 03/10/2018 19:37

and also yes
discuss with your father power of attorney ..
and cars homes for when he needs it .
good ones are expensive .
better to have this conversation with him
now while you can .

Original poster
Havabiscuit · 03/10/2018 20:15

Thanks again all. Reading with interest. Just for clarity I am not in the least bit worried about getting in the lounge. Been there, done that as husband was very frequent flyer when still at work. I’ve paid to go into this lounge when flying with friend - it’s worth it for a mid afternoon flight for the booze and snacks. It was, as some have said, the attitude. SM is just like this. She can barely have a conversation with someone without dropping in the house in Florida ( it’s being sold) the Mercedes ( she never calls it the car) so she does wind me up but in an amused way usually. Just got to me this time.
I am involved with caring for my dd but I am equally aware of the bigger burden she carry’s. We don’t get on badly and I know she appreciates my help but we are not natural friends if that makes sense?
Both me and Dh know this will be a trip where we have to bite our tongues. As others have said it’s for my Dad.
Yes. Sm has siphoned off quite a bit of cash. They are quite wealthy. My ds and dB know this but we also know she looks after him well so our attitude is, sort it out later!

OP posts:
Original poster
Havabiscuit · 03/10/2018 20:37

Been thinking that Sm is probably very conflicted.
Dads illness is stepping up. In the past she has been able to lord it up over us quite a bit and we have been quite rude about her. Not to her face usually. Now she realises she needs our help. We are going to have to pull together.
Have decided I am going to be a bloody saint and not get cross. because as others have said, who knows where we will be next year.
I love my Dd. Someone up thread said something about the man who threw you up in the air which made me choke up a bit. I remembered a flight ( must have been BOAC😂) with him when I was about 4. It was cold, sleeting and dark we were walking to a taxi rank. I cried because my fingers were so cold. He took off his coat and wrapped me up. Carried me on one shoulder and my bag and his big suitcase in the other hand. I remembered it all because the other day we were out walking and hit some rough stony ground. I hadn’t realised how bad his balance had got. I had to hold both his hands and walk backwards in front of him until we got back on the path.
What a shitty illness this is.

OP posts:
Blackoutblinds · 03/10/2018 20:40

Hugs xxxx

Bluntness100 · 03/10/2018 21:08

Well maybe op, just maybe, you could remember op, that he loves this woman, he chose her, and she's supporting him through it. I have no idea what you mean about syphoning off cash, it's clearly a theft accusation, and I'd maybe think about just where you're going with this.

Original poster
Havabiscuit · 03/10/2018 21:18

I do know that bluntness. They have had a great life together. God knows why he chose her but he did. We have some proof of this siphoning money from Dads old business partner who brought it to our attention. Just decided to do nothing about it. Not upsetting dd more important.

OP posts:
Sb74 · 03/10/2018 21:20

I hope you have a lovely holiday and can rise above any issues for your dads sake. In terms of your sm, it sounds as though there have been problems between you and they’re money-related? As post above, she is his wife so technically it’s her money too. How do you know what’s been happening with their money? It this important in the scheme of things? Is your perception on her being a gold digger in some way the real problem here??

Strongmummy · 03/10/2018 21:31

On the basis this trip is about your dad and it’s more comfortable in the lounge either pay the £25 or go and do some shopping. Don’t make a big deal of it

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