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Original poster

Would you use your lounge pass if rest of your party didn’t have one?

298 replies

Havabiscuit · 02/10/2018 04:48

We are going on holiday with my Dad and Step mum. Df has early Alzheimer’s and wants to visit his favourite restaurant in Spain. We have a timeshare out there. Glad to help out.
However Sm has been weird, she is a bit of a controller I know but now dreading whole thing. I originally wanted to book early morning flights. They are silly o clock but cheap. She thought this was too much for df so we booked more expensive flights 10am. Today, when suggesting joint taxi to airport it turns out she wants to go early and use her lounge passes for breakfast. “Unfortunately” she laughs “we can’t get you in as guests, you will have pay £25”
I’m fuming and don’t want to go. ( or at least don’t want her to go)

OP posts:
ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 02/10/2018 10:33

If the SM is genuinely as unpleasant a person as the OP alleges then I can guarantee this will be no holiday for the SM as I doubt she'd voluntarily choose to spend time away with a hostile adult stepchild (deservedly hostile or not) whilst being carer for their dad. It's the dad who wants this holiday, not her, yet some people are talking like the SM's being ungrateful for a free holiday. I doubt very much she's going of her own choosing.

diddl · 02/10/2018 10:34

I think if you don't stop feeling so bad about this Op, you'll be seeing slights where there are none & creating an atmosphere.

TomHardysNextWife · 02/10/2018 10:37

To be honest, I do think it's a bit rude. If you are going on holiday together, that means spending time together in the airport and if it were my DC we'd pay for them to join us without blinking.

But given the circumstances I'd make your own way, and join them on the plane. She probably just wants to enjoy the experience with your DF while he's still able to travel and if they've got passes it's silly not to use them. It's going to be really hard on all of you in the future, I think I'd let this one go.

NonaGrey · 02/10/2018 10:39

theonly I know that it’s not the OP’s Mum.

I was asking Hissy if that’s how she would address a similar problem with her own Mum (ie older woman married to her Dad) or in fact any guest.

Because even if this woman is her Step Mum, and even if they don’t get on, it’s her Father’s wife, a guest in her home and a lady who is dealing with an increasingly difficult life as her husband’s condition worsens.

And no, that doesn’t make her a saint, and it doesn’t excuse all bad behaviour but it does mean it’s in the OP’s best interests (not to mention her Dad’s) to maintain a cordial relationship with her SM and politely and amicably resolve minor disagreements rather than go to war over every little comment.

The SM was at best thoughtless at worse rude. It’s easily resolved though and some of the advice you are getting here OP is really, really bad.

A PP put it really well, in years to come when the OP looks back on this holiday with her Dad will an disagreement over airport breakfast still seem worth potentially ruining the holiday over?

Sleepsoon7 · 02/10/2018 10:45

You can often get one off lounge passes for cheaper than £25 if you search online. A word of warning to your SM though as we have seen people with lounge passes through one of the schemes turned away because the lounge is “full” if they haven’t paid extra to book and secure a place (happened at Stansted). One of the Amex cards gives 2 free passes if you wanted to try that. We generally get passes as we want somewhere guaranteed to sit down before flying where we dont have to watch our hand luggage as vigilantly as in the main concourse. They are often nothing special really - some don’t have toilets in them so again something to check for your DF as he may need someone to take him out of the lounge and bring him back so he doesn’t get ‘lost’. From memory Luton does, Stansted doesn’t, Heathrow - the terminal we were in didn’t, Edinburgh doesn’t. When we go away in December we are going to pay for our adult DC and partner to come in the lounge with us and our younger DC, as we want to travel together and enjoy the start of our journey as a family.

Bluelady · 02/10/2018 10:49

It's pretty clear who's travelled with an elderly parent with dementia and who hasn't. Flying in this situation is a complete bloody nightmare.

Berating a full time carer who's doing her utmost to make her husband as comfortable and stress free as possible is quite unbelievable. The journey will at best be a trial for her, at worst a nightmare from hell. She's very sensibly taking practical steps to minimise the difficulty.

The road ahead for this woman is a tough and heartbreaking one which is just going to get harder and harder until the dreadful end. If she's being treated like this at the beginning what support can she look forward to at the end? Cut her some slack, OP, her future is crap.

companylovesmisery · 02/10/2018 10:50

I’ve never been in a lounge without a loo?! Heathrow’s BA has showers, a spa and plenty of loos!

TheDarkPassenger · 02/10/2018 10:54

If someone was letting me stay in their timeshare damn right I’d buy them lounge passes!

In this sort of situation I tend to pretend I’m not listening/can’t hear and when they eventually get through to you they’ve usually lost their shitty tone and I’ve calmed down and I can just say yeah that’s fine, bye

BMOT · 02/10/2018 10:56

I havent read all the thread but the thing that struck me was you said your Dad has Alzheimer. I know from experience how difficult busy noisy places can be for people with this condition and would absolutley have no problem with him and my Step Mum taking themselves off to somewhere away from the hustle and bustle

MrsEricBana · 02/10/2018 10:57

Dh has a pass and can take one person in. He always takes one of our (teen) dc in with him while the other dc and I enjoy a coffee elsewhere. It's a treat for them and I've never once thought they shouldn't do it. Let them get on with it and enjoy your cuppa in peace. Hope your df enjoys his trip.

Geraldine170 · 02/10/2018 11:03

Exactly bluelady, OP might have to learn that the hard way but she will have to learn it.

It’s very difficult to get used to the fact that your Superhero DF who could catch the highest balls and jump the highest fences and win the fastest race now needs to sit somewhere quiet and have his hand held. But unfortunately that’s the way it is. We can’t change it and fighting it isn’t helpful.

JacquesHammer · 02/10/2018 11:10

Does it honestly matter OP? In the grand scheme of things, and especially with the reason for the holiday?

Don't bother giving it headspace - it isn't a big deal.

Sleepsoon7 · 02/10/2018 11:16

Company - the airline run lounges are different (travel goals - only ever been in one of these when going on honeymoon many years ago). I was referring to the ‘ordinary’ ones which anyone can pay to go in.....

Redcherries · 02/10/2018 11:33

Company, my point was people are fixated on the free accommodation, which op has ‘gladly’ offered. If it’s been offered by op in order for them all to support her df I don’t see why it has merit in the lounge/ rudeness debate. I have also never been in a lounge without their own toilets, I would not be happy with that if I’d paid to get in! Did have a shock on discovering an internal Thailand lounge that had no alcohol, I need a couple of glasses pre flight to be able to board, there was a panicky run to the airport shop pre boarding 😳

swg1 · 02/10/2018 11:34

Here's the thing. Being chronically ill is expensive. Having a partner who is very ill is expensive. It means running hither and yon to hospital appointments, paying hospital parking, not being able to meal plan properly, not being able to work if she still is. At some point it may mean paying for specialist care.

Would it be nice if she offered to pay you into the lounge? Yes. But she might well be already peering into the future and biting her lip at what it's going to mean in money terms. And she has to do that alone because your Dad isn't going to be able to discuss how they're going to cope financially with her.

Let this one go and at some point you need to have a very gentle and honest conversation about whether they're going to need financial help.

DarlingNikita · 02/10/2018 11:37

swg1, for a lot of posters (including me), the issue isn't whether she should pay for lounge passes for the OP; it's the way she laughed about the OP having to pay for the lounge. Comes across as though she's gloating/rubbing her lounge membership in the OP's face.

swg1 · 02/10/2018 11:42

Yeah but that's all in context isn't it? It's the whole bitch eating crackers scenario. From her point of view it might well have been a sheepish/apologetic laugh but the OP was set up already to be pissed off because she had to get a different flight than she wanted so she was in the mindset to see it as being unkind.

DarlingNikita · 02/10/2018 11:47

She doesn't sound very apologetic. She could easily have phrased it differently, as someone else suggests: 'I think it would be difficult in a busy unfamiliar airport for him so I have booked us into an airport lounge. If you want to join us its £25 if not we can meet at the gate if that's easier.'
Much nicer.

Quartz2208 · 02/10/2018 11:51

I have re read it too - and it comes across that actually before this the relationship was ok - SM was a control freak but nothing to bad.

If that is the case perhaps this is her way of shielding the OP. I read it as she doesnt want joint taxis so has said they are leaving earlier to get into the lounge. I wonder if she is aware of how difficult getting him into the taxi and through everything is and would rather it was just the two of them. But she also is aware that neither the OP or her father are prepared for it to be spelt out like that just yet

The OP seems to think every suggestion she makes is shut down - it is but probably for very valid reasons

Bluelady · 02/10/2018 11:54

Why should she be apologetic? She has nothing to apologise for. She's prioritising OP's dad's comfort and wellbeing. And she's going to be doing that for potentially a very long time. Caring for someone with dementia does turn you into a control freak, it has to.

DarlingNikita · 02/10/2018 11:57

Why should she be apologetic?

She doesn't have to be. Just tactful would be nice.

swg1 · 02/10/2018 11:57

She could! And if she were a Mumsnet poster and reading from a Miss Manners book and aware her every phrase was being criticised maybe she would!

But she didn't, which is entirely human.

Context: Have just watched my mum pass through a terminal illness. And I wasn't the one living with her and the family member who was carer absolutely was occasionally blunt enough when I was asking too much that I got upset. But it didn't mean she was wrong. It meant she was stressed and not over-analysing every phrase out of her mouth. Welcome to life.

Hissy · 02/10/2018 12:00

Caring for someone with dementia does turn you into a control freak, it has to.

And RUDE too?

No, didn't think so.

If someone laughed and sneered at me in the way SM has done, I would get a wee comment in, it wouldn't be a snap, more of an observation, but I wouldn't let that past no.

If I had passes, I'd either pay for the others to join me as a THANKS for providing the accommodation and making it all possible, and to start the holiday off with a bit of a treat/celebration

OR,

I'd not use the passes at all.

To do so and laugh at someone in the way she did it WAS crass and rude. Even without the accommodation provision.

swg1 · 02/10/2018 12:08

I think we're back on the mumsnet magic moneytree!

Guys, she's not on a delightful joint holiday because she fancies some winter sun. She's doing a holiday on the cheap with free accommodation for OP's father because it might be the last time he can do it. This isn't a situation where you can do the mumsnet approved waiting until you can afford it. You do it RIGHT NOW or you don't do it. She may not have fifty pounds to spend to "be polite".

And “Unfortunately we can’t get you in as guests, you will have pay £25” is not an offensive phrase outside of the world of tinkly laughs. Not being what you want to hear doesn't make it rude.

Bluelady · 02/10/2018 12:09

Yes, being stressed can make you perceived as rude. OP hasn't said she sneered. SM is putting OP's dad first. If I were OP I'd be doing the same.

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