Would you use your lounge pass if rest of your party didn’t have one?

[Havabiscuit]

We are going on holiday with my Dad and Step mum. Df has early Alzheimer’s and wants to visit his favourite restaurant in Spain. We have a timeshare out there. Glad to help out.
However Sm has been weird, she is a bit of a controller I know but now dreading whole thing. I originally wanted to book early morning flights. They are silly o clock but cheap. She thought this was too much for df so we booked more expensive flights 10am. Today, when suggesting joint taxi to airport it turns out she wants to go early and use her lounge passes for breakfast. “Unfortunately” she laughs “we can’t get you in as guests, you will have pay £25”
I’m fuming and don’t want to go. ( or at least don’t want her to go)

Where would you be having breakfast if the lounge question hadn’t come up?

I don’t know a lot about your fathers illness, sorry, but I would say that the lounge is so much more relaxing if you find the whole flight process stressful.

We’ve used our lounge passes on several occasions when people we are flying with haven’t, I’m not going to pay for the pleasure of eating in a overcrowded airport when I can sit in peace and quiet for free and drink champagne with my breakfast 😳 I fact I have 3 different lounge passes, ba Gold, dragonpass (natwest) and a general one that covers the paid for lounges in most places as I am a very anxious flyer and this is one of the reasons I’m calm at the airport.

I do think it's mean not to contribute towards you joining them and/or not to ask if it's ok. It's not being very inclusive given that it's the start of a joint holiday!

Jeez, you wouldn't want to pay it yourself but think grown adults should be paid for or contributed towards. They have breakfast paid for, why shouldn't they go in, the ops an adult, why should her father and step mother pay for their breakfast.

The entitlement of some folks.

YABU.

I say this kindly as I have experience with caring for parents with dementia. It takes time getting someone with Alzheimer’s organised to do anything, so the later flight was a necessity. She is right to try and avoid rushing and to take advantage of a calmer environment like the lounge.

As far as paying for you is concerned, £25 per head is a lot if you are expecting her to cover the cost of everyone travelling. You don’t have to join them, but if you do you ought to pay for yourselves.

Expect to have to help out a bit on holiday too, and be glad you won’t be the one dealing with him day to day.

If your dad has early Alz. a (hopefully) relatively quiet lounge will be less confusing for him than the rest of the airport. Personally I would just let her get on with it, have your breakfast elsewhere. And I do think it brave to take anyone with Alz. away - a change of surroundings/routine can be very confusing/disorienting for them. It may not be possible to do it at all in future so don't let annoyance with your SM - yes, she was certainly thoughtless - spoil it.

I do hope it all goes well, for everybody's sake.

companylovesmisery idk, when I have guests come and visit I don't tend to dictate what we're going to do when. If we all want to do the same thing great, otherwise we'll compromise or just make separate plans. Not a big deal.

I'll act the same when I'm a guest. We often used to go to my in-laws holiday home and would rarely take the same flights. No-one cared although I acknowledge the situation could be different for OP if, for example, her step mum needs help with her father.

Due to your DF's circumstances I would let it go. However, this is really bad etiquette (need a less posh word) on her side.

I used to travel loads and DH and I had passes into most lounges on a reciprocal basis. I would never, ever be so crass as to leave one on my rellies outside. Being in a lounge is a really nice experience. It is great to people watch and feel like you are getting something for free and it is a great start to your holiday. I wouldn't sit easy knowing someone I cared about was outside in a Starbucks queue whilst I was in 5-star luxury. I have in the past paid for my rellies or told them to go in on my pass or as my DH's guest whilst I sat outside raided the duty free

I'm not really understanding why you didn't take the cheaper, earlier flight if they would have suited you better & leave them to take the flight that suited them tbh.

Jeez, you wouldn't want to pay it yourself but think grown adults should be paid for or contributed towards. They have breakfast paid for, why shouldn't they go in, the ops an adult, why should her father and step mother pay for their breakfast.

The entitlement of some folks.

The SM is using the OP’s holiday home! Unless she is being charged for the privilege, the least she could do is not tell the OP that she has to pay if she wants breakfast with her father.

Yes the lounge will be preferable but the woman was rude is putting it as she did. In my opinion it is the SM who is acting entitled. She is a guest of the OP.

it doesn't bother any of us. I have one and just go in if there is time - sometimes it is worse and more crowded and worse food in there than outside it by the way. Don't assume they are all wonderful luxury havens in there. I leave the teenagers out and go in on my own and no one bothers. One of my older children has a pass and if they are with me they go in there with their family and if we're all in a rush we don't bother.

Surely it's a plus point to have the dementia inflicted poor elderly parent going in separately and early and then in there safely away from others. You are not missing some major treat!

Also people have different views on what time to go so we tend now to meet through or even at the gate so those who like to do a last minute rush job can come later and risk missing the plane which will not affect we earlier birds.

*Jeez, you wouldn't want to pay it yourself but think grown adults should be paid for or contributed towards. They have breakfast paid for, why shouldn't they go in, the ops an adult, why should her father and step mother pay for their breakfast.

The entitlement of some folks.*

I should clarify, as I agree with your sentiments in principle/applied to almost any other circumstances!

I wrote my post from the perspective of seeing that SM and DF are getting free accommodation on this holiday due to OPs generosity. In that case, I'd expect a bit of give and take... I feel it's entitled of SM to expect to use a timeshare for free but not contribute in other ways.

Sorry, posted too soon. Bearing in mind, these coming months might be the last months you spend with your DF whilst he is still recognisable as himself in his own personality, do you really want to spoil these months with petty arguments about where you’re eating for breakfast?

You’re making a rod for your own back anyway. No matter what petty battle you win this time you will have ultimately lost the war. Being unhelpful and insensitive to a carer and the needs of the person they care for is the best way possible to have your relationship with both of them limited.

When you care you make decisions on what you are going to do, how hard it will be and if it’s worth the inconvenience and work. If you make things difficult for DF and SM and are unhelpful you are going to go straight on the list of people who can visit them at home, but can’t be depended on as supportive for holidays and days out. I hate to break it to you, but DF is going to be less and less aware who is around and what they are doing so very soon it won’t be a great bother to him and it’s you who will suffer most.

By all means take Companys advice if you wish, but if it leads your SM to believe you are incapable of understanding your fathers needs or taking care of them, don’t blame us if you only get to see your father for a cup of tea in his living room and are consigned to the group of people written off as ‘don’t understand, not safe’.

I know that if that happened in my family, someone refused to empathise that we had different needs for eating, flight times, etc, etc, we would not do things in future that needed support from our companions to work.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, it’s not a personal attack. Just I know from harsh experience there is little time to waste giving people second chances to be supportive and the fallout from travelling or going out with unsupportive people too great to risk many times.

She booked her tickets separately, thinking of comfort for your father I expect - and probably added in the lounge passes as a nice touch. There wouldn't have been the opportunity to add extra people in as part of her booking. If you were happy to get the cheaper early flight she probably assumes you're not as fussed about the trimmings.

I'm not sure why you're upset about this in particular, - yes you're doing a kind thing and no you won't get a posh breakfast out of it unless you pay for it yourself, but at the end of the day it's about your father and his comfort.

I hope it turns out to be a nice visit. Focus on the positives.

KinCat The SM dictated the leaving time and the amount of money spent (more ) to go to the OP’s holiday place. The OP sucked that up and changed plans to later. The SM now tries to dictate the time they leave again (earlier this time) and the amount of money they spend on breakfast if the OP wants to eat with her father.

She’s being controlling. She’s a guest. The OP didn’t have to invite her. It’s a treat for her father from her yet SM is calling the shots. SM is rude.

Geraldine170 you think the SM will withhold contact if the OP doesn’t do as she’s told?

On the assumption that she is staying at your timeshare for free I think she could pay for your breakfast! Or she could have said that as theirs is free, they would at least go halves on yours.
Perhaps you need to have a chat about how expenses will be divided whilst you are all away? Will you have a kitty where each couple puts a certain amount in or will you divide costs between you as you go along? Who will pay for shopping, hire car, etc.?
I suggest that you have the chat before you go. You could start the conversation by saying that your chat about paying for breakfast at the airport made you realise that it would be sensible to chat about a kitty or whatever before you go, just so that everyone in on the same page.

" The SM now tries to dictate the time they leave again (earlier this time) and the amount of money they spend on breakfast if the OP wants to eat with her father."

So Op doesn't go along with this then!

I agree with pp that it's nice for Op's father.

They are about to all holiday together-one missed breakfast won't hurt!

companylovesmisery yes, step mum clearly didn't want to compromise (for valid reasons I think). Doesn't mean OP has to go along with it. If I was her I would for the sake of family harmony but that's me.

Ugh, I do feel sorry for your SM and dad in the above. She’s trying to do what is best for your dad and you’re acting like a bit of a diva about it.

If you want lounge passes, buy them yourself! You’re an adult aren’t you?

She sounds horrible. Waving her privilege in your face. Laughing about it

But it's simple. 'We'll sort out breakfast ourselves and see you for the flight.' End of. Don't let her wind you up.

YABU. By the sound of it, poor SM is probably just there to look after your DF. She's not being controlling at all - this is the kind of thing you have to think about when travelling with someone who has Alzheimer's. You said the holiday was a treat for your DF so if you weren't helping in the airport, there was nothing stopping you taking different flights and you can get your breakfast anywhere.

Shot across the bows was what was needed.

"Funny SM, you are 'guests' in our timeshare and that is costing us WAY more than £25... but you do whatever you think best"

I assume the OP’s annoyance isn’t with the fact she’ll miss out on (unless it’s the First lounge) a serve yourself breakfast that’s been sat under a heater and coughed on by everyone! It’s the attitude of the SM calling the shots. I can imagine how frustrating it is having someone tell you what to do when they are going to be a guest in your home.

Lounge breakfasts are awful misses point entirely

" I can imagine how frustrating it is having someone tell you what to do when they are going to be a guest in your home."

People can only tell you what to do if you let them though & Op probably is happy to put sm up for her father's sake.

Things may have got off on the wrong foot, but they don't have to stay that way for the entire holiday.

Whose timeshare is it? Yours or hers/your dad’s?

I would have just for the earlier flights and gone separately or don’t share a cab.