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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you use your lounge pass if rest of your party didn’t have one?

298 replies

Havabiscuit · 02/10/2018 04:48

We are going on holiday with my Dad and Step mum. Df has early Alzheimer’s and wants to visit his favourite restaurant in Spain. We have a timeshare out there. Glad to help out.
However Sm has been weird, she is a bit of a controller I know but now dreading whole thing. I originally wanted to book early morning flights. They are silly o clock but cheap. She thought this was too much for df so we booked more expensive flights 10am. Today, when suggesting joint taxi to airport it turns out she wants to go early and use her lounge passes for breakfast. “Unfortunately” she laughs “we can’t get you in as guests, you will have pay £25”
I’m fuming and don’t want to go. ( or at least don’t want her to go)

OP posts:
cheesefield · 02/10/2018 09:47

If this is likely to be his last holiday then i'd probably just let it go.

She sounds like a bit of a rude twat though considering she's getting free accommodation.

MatildaTheCat · 02/10/2018 09:51

Off topic but may be helpful: if your df has requested special assistance ( which I recommend if he’s frail) the airport staff will collect him pretty early from the lounge to get him to the gate. So their breakfast may end up being rather quick.

The lounge is the best place for your df. I would jump in their taxi and then see them through check in and security ( if he has special assistance the whole group can go through with him). Then nip off to Pret and have a peaceful read before meeting them at the gate.

No need for fuming.

NonaGrey · 02/10/2018 09:52

"Funny SM, you are 'guests' in our timeshare and that is costing us WAY more than £25... but you do whatever you think best

Hissy is this something you would really say to your own Mum? Or to any guest of yours?

It’s not exactly calculated to start the holiday off well now is it?

No wonder there are so many threads on MN about people falling out with friends and family if this is how they really deal with minor conflicts.

Redcherries · 02/10/2018 09:52

Lots of comments on the sm staying for free, none mention Df is also, would people expect sm to be paying the accommodation in these circumstances? It would never occur to me to expect her to pay, or stay elsewhere.

StaySafe · 02/10/2018 09:53

“Unfortunately” she laughs “we can’t get you in as guests, you will have pay £25”

This is the bit that would get me. I can understand her wanting to go in a separate taxi, and perhaps the desire for them to have a leisurely breakfast together but to speak in this way, and suggest OP and her DH pay for this themselves is just not on.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/10/2018 09:53

I don't think this is a big deal. If you want to pay for the lounge then you can join them. If you don't you can do your own thing at the airport and see them at the gate. It would be different if a husband used his pass leaving wife to ferry 3 kids through airport but for two adult couples to be briefly separated is no big deal.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 02/10/2018 09:54

Just re-read your OP. She doesn’t want to share a taxi. I suspect this is because she doesn’t want to be under pressure getting your DH organised. I know how this feels, any distractions and you start losing things like bags and passports. Let her do things her way. Arrive at the airport when it suits you and meet them there.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 02/10/2018 09:56

Honestly I don’t think she’s done anything wrong at all. You were pretty controlling yourself by booking early morning flights!

This isn’t going to go well if you are intolerant of your SM. She’s going to have to nurse your father through Alzheimer’s. That’s no picnic! Give her a break. So what if they don’t share a taxi or eat breakfast in the lounge. They are both willing to share a holiday with you, and you won’t all be doing stuff at the same time in the same way. So what?! Isn’t the most important thing that you all love your father, he’d want these precious months before his disease takes away much of himself, to be relaxed and harmonious.

companylovesmisery · 02/10/2018 09:57

holidayshopping It’s the OP’s place. As she says in her post she is glad to help by offering it.

diddl
People can only tell you what to do if you let them though & Op probably is happy to put sm up for her father's sake.

Yes you’re right and she’s allowed to vent about it when the SM starts controlling the holiday. Whether the SM is doing it because she has the OP over a barrel (and as someone suggested could withdraw contact if not obeyed) or whether she is doing what’s best for her husband and has no manners or social skills, who knows. The result is the same though, she’s being rude.

EssentialHummus · 02/10/2018 09:57

Due to your DF's circumstances I would let it go. However, this is really bad etiquette (need a less posh word) on her side.

I used to travel loads and DH and I had passes into most lounges on a reciprocal basis. I would never, ever be so crass as to leave one on my rellies outside. Being in a lounge is a really nice experience. It is great to people watch and feel like you are getting something for free and it is a great start to your holiday. I wouldn't sit easy knowing someone I cared about was outside in a Starbucks queue whilst I was in 5-star luxury. I have in the past paid for my rellies or told them to go in on my pass or as my DH's guest whilst I sat outside

Totally agree. DH and I have lounge passes, but I'd never use them if I was travelling with someone else who couldn't. Sometimes when funds allowed I've bought an extra one-time pass for whoever we're travelling with and just pretended that it was a guest pass that I was entitled to for free. I couldn't enjoy the experience if I knew my friend/relative was just hanging around the airport!

companylovesmisery · 02/10/2018 09:58

Redcherries Thd father isn’t the one being rude, his wife is. The op says she’s happy to help them out by providing accommodation.

companylovesmisery · 02/10/2018 10:00

StaySafe Exactly. It’s her attitude when the op has done something to help them that is galling.

mamaslatts · 02/10/2018 10:02

I suspect its her attitude that's pissed you off rather than her attitude. If she had said 'Sorry, DF takes a while to get ready these days and an early flight just isn't practical. Can we go for the slightly later time to avoid the stress? Also, I think it would be difficult in a busy unfamiliar airport for him so I have booked us into an airport lounge. If you want to join us its £25 if not we can meet at the gate if that's easier.'

This may have been more tactful of her. There seems to be very little seating in airports now so if there is hanging around/delayed flights you might even find somewhere to sit difficult. Ithink the poster who said you won't remember the £25 but will remember the time with your dad was right though. I hope you have a nice time and just try and remember the 'long road'. SM could have years of exhausting care ahead of her, this little spate will seem nothing in comparison.

theonlywayisdown · 02/10/2018 10:04

nona it’s not the OP’s “mum” 🙄

MegMez · 02/10/2018 10:05

Share a taxi anyway then do your own thing at the airport. You don’t have to do everything together for the whole holiday. It’s a treat to have a shop coffee and read your book in the airport isn’t it? Or even treat yourself to a Bloody Mary or a pre flight prosecco – breakfast drinking’s fine on holiday! Have a mooch around the shops. Relationships and family dynamics can be complex, I’m sure there’s more to all of what you’ve mentioned that’s built up but in this case, rise above, let it go and enjoy your holiday. You’ll have the whole break to enjoy your father’s company.

bigKiteFlying · 02/10/2018 10:06

What she’s said does across as her being rude - but I wonder if it's just that she been focused on what's best for your Dad and hasn't communicate that very well.

You still have the option of going later and then meeting up.

theonlywayisdown · 02/10/2018 10:07

Bananasinpyjamas11 the op didn’t book early flights, you’ve made that up to try and make her look bad haven’t you?!

TeddybearBaby · 02/10/2018 10:09

She doesn’t sound nice. I’d have defo offered to pay for you. My family all do that sort of thing for each other though so maybe that’s why I feel like that.

She’s probably going to irritate you on the holiday too, try to stay focussed on your dad otherwise it’ll drive you mad! 💐

diddl · 02/10/2018 10:11

I've just read the OP again & yes she does say it in a thoughtless way, but that's all imo.

Op-when she didn't want the early flights,did she demand that you change to suit her & your father, or did it just not occur to you at the time to book what you wanted regardless of them?

Sparklyfee · 02/10/2018 10:14

As adults then yes, you should pay for your own breakfast. She's just giving you the heads up that they will be in the lounge.

You choose whether to pay or not. Seriously, chill out. Just be glad you've got this time with your dad. Your step mum knows better how hard it is caring for him day to day and it's only going to get worse for everyone.

Enjoy your holiday and relax. She's not doing this to annoy you, she's worried about looking after her husband

SummerStrong · 02/10/2018 10:21

Perhaps you should have booked the earlier flights for your family and met them there?

Now you have had to fork out £ for later flights as well as pay £25 for the breakfast.

Why don't you just say you'll meet them at the gate, make your own way to the airport and sort your own breakfast out etc.

Unless travelling to the airport, breakfast there etc. is all part of the trip for you?

It would be silly if her not to use her pass as it will be much easier for your DF, but she handled it badly and sounds like she is insensitive, rude and controlling (which is probably the problem here, more than the actual breakfast on this one day)

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2018 10:21

You choose whether to pay or not

Exactly, I genuinely don't know any adult who would say:

Ah me and your dad will meet you there, we will go a bit earlier and have breakfast in the lounge as we have a pass. Sorry we can't take you in, but it's 25 quid a head and you'd have to pay 50 quid.

Oh, well that's very unreasonable, you should either not go and pay extra to have breakfast in the main airport, or pay the fifty quid for us to have breakfast in there, or at least sub us.

I mean who says that?

Normally the response would be, no worries we will text you where we are, meet you at the gate.

girlywhirly · 02/10/2018 10:29

It’s worth remembering that everything takes so much longer at airports than it used to, with all the security measures and the sheer numbers of passengers. So stepmum runs the risk of dealing with DF’s luggage, getting through security with possible searches, and making sure he doesn’t disappear and lose track of time. Also she will have to keep a close eye on the departures board as a lot of airports don’t use public address announcements to inform the gate number and boarding.

I think if she wants to have her breakfast in the lounge let her if it will be less stressful for DF. I would just get yourselves to the airport and fed, and meet up with them before going to the boarding gate.

I will say, while you are on holiday, defer to your DF when stepmum starts managing what everyone does, ask him clearly if that is what he wants to do.

Geraldine170 · 02/10/2018 10:30

Geraldine170 you think the SM will withhold contact if the OP doesn’t do as she’s told?

No, I didn’t say that did I? When a relative starts needing care, you do have to accept that this isn’t really going to be a holiday for the carer, it’s more like work. This isn’t going to be some lovely jolly holiday for her, she is doing the OP a favour agreeing to go on this holiday to support him.

If the OP responds to that favour by kicking up fusses about adjustments that she needs to make in order to care for him, do you think SM is going to be inclined to do it again?

You’ve obviously never cared for anybody and don’t realise how much meaningful contact with family members depends on the ability and willingness of a carer to facilitate it - they are quite within their rights to say ‘No, if you want to see your father you come around to our house where it is convenient for us.’

That’s not limiting contact. That’s being assertive about not being put out and inconvenienced for someone who is obviously ungrateful. The only possible appropriate response in this situation is ‘you do what you need to do to look after Dad and we’ll sort ourselves out.’

No carer is going to carry on facilitating this sort of thing if the people going don’t behave in a supportive way.

Geraldine170 · 02/10/2018 10:32

Anyway OP, I expect this holiday is going to be a big learning experience for you. I doubt you’ll come back with the same attitude to your SM when you see how much she has to do. Not if you’re a halfway decent person anyway.