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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have told DH to stop talking?

237 replies

seasidewitchtits · 01/10/2018 22:04

He's been out all day having a 'much needed creative day' - visiting museums and meeting a friend for lunch.

I've been at home with 4 month old and autistic 4yo (and PND) all day, where the only break I got was 20 seconds to urinate before the 4mo kicked off and the 4yo started crying for me. I ate my lunch whilst constantly agitating a bouncer with my foot. It took four separate attempts to hang out one load of washing.

DH has just said 'Ooh I am tired tonight, today's been sooo busy' and, while I have often thought about telling him to shut up in similar situations, tonight I actually did!

He's huffed off to bed now and I'm downstairs waiting to dreamfeed the 4mo. I feel like I've done something wrong, but I don't feel a bit guilty or like apologising. AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 02/10/2018 15:46

Neither clueless nor decent, I'm afraid. Decent people see someone who needs help and offer to help. Not every single time, maybe, but at least some of it. I think this is that definition of decent that means 'doesn't hit me or get drunk and scream at me'. You and your kids deserve a lot better than that.

Elasticity · 02/10/2018 16:40

LTB

Thebluedog · 02/10/2018 17:42

I’m afraid he’s not decent OP, he won’t even look after his own DC to give you some restbite

MinaPaws · 02/10/2018 17:45

I stopped enabling DH years ago. I got so effing fed up of the imbalance. especially when he lost his job and mooched around raging with wounded ego about being a misunderstood genius while I took on childcare and waitressing jobs at all hours of the day and night to bring money in.
I just stopped. Now he does half the work. I'm sure he thinks he does more than half. But he does half. Our marriage wouldn't have lasted if I hadn't just stopped enabling the male entitlement.

RoboticSealpup · 02/10/2018 17:48

Jesus wept, what a clueless asshole.

Squidgee · 02/10/2018 17:54

its probably not going to help, but I understand your pain. My eldest DC is autistic, and if i'm honest, I couldn't reliably leave him with ExH until he was 8 years old.

I know you know, but until he spends time with DS, DS is never going to get used to him and always want you, he has to work on it.

123bananas · 02/10/2018 17:55

I have a ds with asd too OP. If it is separation anxiety causing his crying then you will need to build up time when you are away from him to minimise his distress. He does manage away from you in nursery because he is familiar with it, he needs to develop this with your DH. The best way to do this is for DH to play more with him at home with toys that he likes. Then they will have a relationship and he will enjoy time alone with DH more.

With the baby he can change, hold, play and feed bottles just as well as you.

Your DH needs to start making the effort to do this. It is hard is not an excuse and you need to tell him that he doesn't get to opt out of being a Dad. If you feel he may not listen if you talk or you don't feel confident to then write it down either as an email or letter and let him have time to read it so that it can truly sink in, that way it will be less emotionally charged (you may have to write an angry version first and then edit it).

The money thing is also a problem as he sees it as his. You are a unit. Write down all the costs that he might not be aware of relating to the house, care of the children and what you need for you (money for you to spend on yourself like he does). If this is not affordable then his hobbies and days out aren't either. This is non-negotiable.

GeorgeTheHippo · 02/10/2018 18:06

I know this sounds terse OP. But others have said it all already.

You need to stop doing everything and letting him get away with doing nothing.

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 02/10/2018 18:13

He isn’t clueless at all. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

Flowers for you. I hope you took an hour out with a coffee (or two!) and that croissant.

Really, honestly, you are going to have to take control here.

He has no right to check out of family life. He can’t just abdiçate responsibility like that, and he needs to be made to step up. It’s not good for your son to perpetuate this lie that he cannot be and feel secure when he is with his father.

You are not going to apologise to him for ‘his’ money needing to be spent on his children. You are not going to continue enabling him to be a selfish, absent man. You are going to slowly claim back some time for yourself which will be good for you, but just as importantly is also good for your son, and for your husband (eventually). He needs to be dragged yelling and screaming out of his own selfish existence and be taught to look after his family and look after you.

Otherwise you would really be better off leaving him.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/10/2018 21:45

I'm sorry OP, but this prick is abusive. He is abusing you financially and psychologically, by forcing you to act as his servant and nothing more. He wants to be the person in the household, with you and DC serving as props to his ego and the image he wants to portray - the 'special' Creative Artist who is also a Happily Married Dad.

I would advise you to gather information and make plans as to how you would cope without him. Because there is a strong possibility of his abuse escalating to physical if you appear still to believe that you are a human being worthy of respect...

Candlelights2345 · 02/10/2018 22:09

Honestly .... I see it as an act of aggression on his part that he thinks he can bugger off for a full day to recharge his creative juices, or whatever bollox reason he came out with.
You NEED some time for yourself, start taking an hour, then 90 mins, then 2 hours. He is chosing to be seen not to be able to deal with the crying, he should start to learn, it’s hugely unfair that this all falls on you. Start to change this today OPFlowers.

applesin · 02/10/2018 22:21

The way he is treating you is not decent, and he's absolutely not clueless about that.

MistressDeeCee · 02/10/2018 23:28

So what if he has a creative job? So do I. Self-employed too. It doesn't make me more precious than anybody else does it.

I hope your creative, or wandering, or shopping day whatever you choose, is soon.

Yeah he needs to shut up alright

Happyhazad · 02/10/2018 23:36

Oh how we stage manage the feckless men in our lives and just get in with it .... up to a point

Stand up for yourself you deserve a life aswell you are not a second class citizen look after yourself xxx

Be ‘ creative’ at the local gin bar with some friends 😂

AhYeahOkayThen · 02/10/2018 23:40
  • Doesn't spend time with his kid's more than once a week.
  • Doesn't pay for vital items needed for his children.
  • Can't be fucked to form a real relationship with his kid's.
  • I'm guessing doesn't help around the house either.

It's not often you see a deadbeat Dad who's actually still in an active relationship with the Mother. He sounds like a Grade A Twat.

safetyfreak · 03/10/2018 05:52

He's decent. Just fucking clueless.
**

Total bullshit, this is just another thread about a woman who is moaning about their man, 'just being a man' you know.

You reap what you sow. What advice do you want OP? you have been given loads yet you still seem happy to settle and carry on.

Carry on, someone needs be with these sexist men.

Conseulabananahammock · 03/10/2018 06:01

@seaside I feel everything you've said.i have a 6 year old who is almost certainly high functioning asd but never been diagnosed as "it doesn't affect him" (don't even get me started),a 4 year old and an autistic 1 year old. My days are much like yours and my dp as much as I love him just doesn't fucking get it some days. Yes he works nights and yes he says he's tired,but he always gets a lot more sleep than me. And never ever does anything alone with the kids. I can't even pee in peace. A my sympathy to you. I know how exhausted you must feel. No advice just a sympathetic ear if you need one x

Conseulabananahammock · 03/10/2018 06:05

Also don't know your situation but have you applied for dla and carers allowance?always worth a look if your child struggles and needs more help and attention than other kids their age. I get it for my youngest.

SalemBlackCat · 03/10/2018 06:33

The four year old has ASD and panics when I'm not there. There's usually a lot of crying involved.

Well, how is DH going to be able to help then? You've said it yourself. Only seem to be able to parent the four year old because your DS won't have it any other way. Your DH certainly sounds to be missing a sensitivity chip and to be oblivious to the stress you are under, but it's a bit hard for him to look after the four year old if the four year old won't let him. I don't understand in that light, what you expect DH to do exactly?

SalemBlackCat · 03/10/2018 06:35

That should read Only you seem the able to …..

ciderhouserules · 03/10/2018 07:39

My Dh had a friend who was like this - the 'wifework&childcare' was 'too easy' for his enormous brain, and he thought that women were better at it and didn't get bored with it (like he did). At the same time he didn't do any of it because it was too 'hard/intense' (and because women were more suited to it Angry)

It was funny watching the twat tying himself in knots trying to explain why he was far too important to do such a hard job...

LittleMissMarker · 03/10/2018 07:48

Only [you] seem to be able to parent the four year old because your DS won't have it any other way.

Like other parents of children with ASCs, his parents (not just the OP!) do it by desensitisation and routine. The 4yo is fine with nursery because it's a familiar regular part of his week and if he throws a tantrum they don't just call in the mother to fix it for them. Either she leaves the house for short fixed periods at a regular time of day, her DH copes as best he can, she comes back. And rinse, and repeat. Or else her DH takes DS out of the house by himself for some regular enjoyable little outing. The swimming session would have been ideal but DS is now accustomed to his mother being there, so a weekly trip with Dad to the park or cafe or softplay instead, as part of a Saturday or Sunday morning routine.

The important thing is that no matter how much DS kicks off they are apart until the alloted time is over.

LittleMissMarker · 03/10/2018 08:05

And it might help if DS and DH had a "special" activity to do together while the OP is away - cooking or baking a cake, playing a board game or computer game, gardening, doing some artwork. Something that gives them both a bit of structure.

Conseulabananahammock · 03/10/2018 08:22

As lovely as the idea of the dh and ds spending time together is,speaking from experience it very rarely makes a difference. My son gets heavily distressed when apart from me and it would just make him worse spending time with his dad. Doesnt stop partners stepping up and helping elsewhere tho. And perhaps being more sensitive to the primary care givers day

Cottonsheets · 03/10/2018 08:35

Hi, tell him you had a think about what he said about helping. Write the lengthy list of chores (cleaning, batch cook, washing) that needs done for the/every weekend. One day off isn't going to help in the long run.
He will take the piss if you let him.
If you continue you will become absolutely exhausted and everything will be worse.
Good luck and hope you get a rest soon.

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