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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DH to stop talking?

237 replies

seasidewitchtits · 01/10/2018 22:04

He's been out all day having a 'much needed creative day' - visiting museums and meeting a friend for lunch.

I've been at home with 4 month old and autistic 4yo (and PND) all day, where the only break I got was 20 seconds to urinate before the 4mo kicked off and the 4yo started crying for me. I ate my lunch whilst constantly agitating a bouncer with my foot. It took four separate attempts to hang out one load of washing.

DH has just said 'Ooh I am tired tonight, today's been sooo busy' and, while I have often thought about telling him to shut up in similar situations, tonight I actually did!

He's huffed off to bed now and I'm downstairs waiting to dreamfeed the 4mo. I feel like I've done something wrong, but I don't feel a bit guilty or like apologising. AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 01/10/2018 22:22

He needs to learnt to look after his own children. The only way to do that is, to do that.

You need time off.

Does he 'believe' in PND? Have any understanding? Empathy? I'd be rather tempted to get someone else to shock him into touch on that, by outlining the potential consequences of it going unsuccessfully or insufficiently treated.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/10/2018 22:24

And I think you need to discard some empathy. You need to care a lot less about how he feels.

serbska · 01/10/2018 22:25

Was he any good with the first baby or has he only recently become a useless lump?

I’d probably not go for a second child with someone who can’t be a father.

Original poster
seasidewitchtits · 01/10/2018 22:26

Well consider my wrist slapped @serbska - do you feel better now?

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 01/10/2018 22:27

He really does sound like an incredibly pretentious tosser. Are you breast feeding? Would you trust him to look after them successfully for a whole day by himself?

Original poster
seasidewitchtits · 01/10/2018 22:29

No I wouldn't @MsVestibule - it'd be a selfish act because of the effect on the kids, not him

OP posts:
Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 01/10/2018 22:30

Invent a crisis which you must go help with (if you’re doing bottle and breast) then take yourself away for at least 6 hours. Come home and say how tired you are. Then give him hell if he says his day was hard because that’s your normal day.

Singlenotsingle · 01/10/2018 22:30

Surely every time he has a "creative day" (a day off) you should be entitled to one too?

gothefcktosleep · 01/10/2018 22:31

Men are really good at this.

Man does something to irritate woman. Woman explains what’s annoyed her. Man acts wounded and strops off.

YADDDDDDDNBU

Shoxfordian · 01/10/2018 22:31

@serbska has a point
Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Original poster
seasidewitchtits · 01/10/2018 22:32

No @Shoxfordian, @serbska doesn't have a point, unless time travel is a real possibility

OP posts:
nowifi · 01/10/2018 22:32

I am surprised he didn't feel guilty for leaving you, he must have his head in the clouds! Only time me or other half go out is when DD is in bed asleep so we don't feel so bad! You must have the patience of a saint OP!

ArcheryAnnie · 01/10/2018 22:35

I had an ex like that.

He's now an ex. This is not a coincidence.

PartOstrich · 01/10/2018 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LannieDuck · 01/10/2018 22:36

I feel like I really NEED DH to see what a whole day with sole responsibility for both kids looks like

Yes, you really do. Arrange a hair appointment. Then the next weekend go to the local library to get some books. Then the next weekend arrange to meet a friend for a long lunch.

If you build up to it (not too slowly!), it won't feel passive aggressive. It'll just be totally normal that you sometimes go out and he looks after the kids.

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 01/10/2018 22:36

You know, OP, he might find that being kicked good and hard in the nads by you, wearing your stoutest boots, might turn out to be more of an aggressive act that having to pull his pants up and parent his own children now and then.

gothefcktosleep · 01/10/2018 22:37

I feel like I really NEED DH to see what a whole day with sole responsibility for both kids looks like, but I feel like if I tried to take a day he'd view it as an aggressive act.

You must be exhausted. I don’t really like to husband bash v often but it does sound like you have 3 children, not just 2.

Sending you hugs, flowers, chocolate and a rather large glass of wine!

ShovingLeopard · 01/10/2018 22:38

You could fake an illness - migraine or back spasm or something - that meant you had to take to your bed for a day.

It wouldn't have the merit of getting you out of the house away from the grind, but it would mean he would need to step up, and you would be in earshot of any really awful disasters to step in.

Assuming he wouldn't be barging into the bedroom every 5 minutes to ask what to do...... it would have to be a migraine so you had to sleep quietly in a darkened room.

tootiredtospeak · 01/10/2018 22:39

Dont enable him seriously unless you think he will actually harm your kids in which case thats worrying leave him with them on his own. Start small, I am going to have a bath I will be an hour whatever happens you do not come and get me use earplugs if needed.
Then work up an hour, 2 hours an afternoon a day. Once a week or once a month whatever saves your sanity. Please dont be a martyr and dont let him think working whatever creative masterpiece it may be is more important than what your doing. He can look after his own kids, he really can.

Blackoutblinds · 01/10/2018 22:40

I too had an ex like this. Note the ex in that sentence.

EK36 · 01/10/2018 22:40

Why don't you book yourself to have your hair done or a massage at the weekend, and ask the hubby to look after the children. Even if it was just for an hour walk every day. You need time to yourself.

RavenLG · 01/10/2018 22:40

It's not important for my creative juices to flow because they don't earn us any money or help children to stay alive.

Apart from the fact that you’re clearly the only parent to these children and your mental health is suffering so how are you going to keep the children alive if you have a bloody breakdown?

You need to leave the kids with your useless nobhead husband for the day and make him realise what a shit parent he is and how hard you’re working. The children won’t be mentally scarred for life if you leave for a few hours.

Rebecca36 · 01/10/2018 22:41

You must have some time to yourself, insist on it. Just because you are not earning money at the moment doesn't mean your job isn't extremely demanding.

Tell him you're going out for the day (when you plan to do something), leave him with the kids. Perhaps then he'll understand what it is like for you all the time.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/10/2018 22:42

You’re worried he might see it as an aggressive move...and so the fuck what. I’d see it as a sanity saver that might prevent the ‘aggressive move’ of strangling him in the night.

They are HIS children too, working does NOT absolve you of all parental responsibility.

The kids will survive a day with him (unless the baby is ebf I guess), it’s not selfish to take a day out and leave the money all to it.

You have to make him see that YOU are NOT 24/7 parent and 0 self...and he needs to take some responsibility beyond earning money

🌷🍫.

LittleBookofCalm · 01/10/2018 22:44

bit rude to call him pretentious Hmm

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