To have told DH to stop talking?

[seasidewitchtits]

He's been out all day having a 'much needed creative day' - visiting museums and meeting a friend for lunch.

I've been at home with 4 month old and autistic 4yo (and PND) all day, where the only break I got was 20 seconds to urinate before the 4mo kicked off and the 4yo started crying for me. I ate my lunch whilst constantly agitating a bouncer with my foot. It took four separate attempts to hang out one load of washing.

DH has just said 'Ooh I am tired tonight, today's been sooo busy' and, while I have often thought about telling him to shut up in similar situations, tonight I actually did!

He's huffed off to bed now and I'm downstairs waiting to dreamfeed the 4mo. I feel like I've done something wrong, but I don't feel a bit guilty or like apologising. AIBU to feel this way?

I feel like there’s some real understanding of the issues you’re dealing with here - and some unhelpful comments about what you ‘should’ ‘just do’ - nothing ever that easy is it? @bluestartthread you mentioned some of the things I was going to say because it feels like the first thing that needs working on is the relationship between you two - presume you were drawn to each other for a reason - you have to get back to yourself a bit in order to find that again. He’s not playing a team game right now and that is so hard for you. Agree with you (and I’m another armchair psychotherapist) that some of his reluctance to do the hard stuff with your son must be to do with accepting reality of diagnosis. But I wonder if there is a way you can together work on attitudes towards ASD - I know it’s so tough - but I always think that Prof Uta Frith FRS is so good on this - the way she talks about ASD and ‘difference’ is so inspiring. Maybe your DH would benefit from doing some exploring to help him deal with what might be a sense of loss or panic or denial whatever he may be feeling? On what you are experiencing, I would urge you to feel and acknowledge the anger - everyone here is helping you with that! - because you are justified in feeling it. But then maybe start to work on how you can get curious about what’s going on his head - my husband also finds the emotional aspect of parenting super intense and it is so difficult to sympathise with him when he looks so exhausted after 15 minutes of toddler wrangling! Take whatever time you can, feel totally justified in doing it and as your strength comes back maybe start to write down what you think you might need to make things better? The things you keep returning to over a few times will be the things to focus on and ask for - eg him packing bags for swimming etc while you focus on baby - no contempt or anger, just can you do it today I need to do this instead - and keep doing it - or whatever it is. Plus also more time away - put it in terms he understands- he needs a creative day, you need a restorative day or half day or whatever - ‘i need to do this, yes DS will cry when I am not there but you will comfort him and build your relationship with him and I think that’s so vital for you both - he needs you too’ maybe he needs to hear that? He’s in there somewhere - the man you fell in love with and married - he’s disappointing you at the moment and people do that - your decision how you move forward. From what you’ve posted you sound strong and capable and self-reflective and understanding. It’s gutting to have to ask for the help you need sometimes especially from the one you feel should be helping the most out of love, I feel that sometimes. Must be a human thing though. You sound lovely too and I hope you work it out and get some rest soon to enjoy your beautiful children. I watched a film called ‘Tully’ recently - slightly quirky offbeat film with Charlize Theron as a woman with PND and depression. I watched it with DH and we had interesting conversation about it afterwards. Wasn’t his cup of tea but it resonated with me and we discussed sharing of the household stuff and how to protect ‘couple time’. Sending you flowers.

Sorry that ended up really long and rambling! I thought bluestartthread’s comments were so thoughtful and understanding - just for clarity! Your post has resonated me for lots of reasons so hope you don’t mind the essay!

OP do you have access to a joint account?

If not, it's crucial to arrange this. If he objects, tbh I think you know what the next step is.

Re money. Currently claiming DLA. Hoping to get it, and CA. Paid to ME.

OP - you very kindly commented on my thread last night and I really appreciated your support.

We are similar in that I have a 5yo DS with ASD and a 7mth baby who is sometimes I total goblin. I’m currently on mat leave and mat pay earning in a week what I normally earn in a day. I’ve got PND, I’m exhausted and have a fragile mood.

However, I have a DH who cooks, splits housework, does bath times, bed times, overnights with either child, takes time off for sickness.

It’s still really hard.

You must be on your knees. I really feel for you. I know this is not helpful but I would not put up with this - I couldn’t. I’d have to end the relationship. He sounds awful.

Do you have access to other money? If he won’t help more he needs to buy in proper help for you.

Do you normally work and, if so, when are you going back?

Hmm yes. Forgot money bit. The tax thing must have been scary but definitely needs to be shared! Joint decision to have kids, joint account surely? 💐💐💐💐

OP, when I read your first post, I was going to say that him being tired doesn't mean you can't also be tired and support each other. My DH and I solved enormous numbers of issues between us once we stopped seeing one person expressing tiredness as dismissing the other's efforts through the day. We also had problems with defensiveness i.e. if I said I'd had a hard day, DH would see that as criticism as him not doing enough to help and would strop about how hard he was working, which I saw as criticism of me not working as hard... vicious circle.

However, having read more carefully and seen your updates, it clearly goes far deeper than that. Acknowledging the other person's feelings (without letting your own be dismissed) is a really good communication strategy - but it's not a communication issue, is it?

Life with an autistic DC and new baby must be so so hard. I can't believe he's making you do it on your own. Please tell him calmly but firmly that you need time to recharge and that he will just have to learn. So easy to say from an anonymous keyboard and I'm sure it feels an impossible step if you've not done this before.

But I hope you take heart from everyone saying that this is not unreasonable at all. You really need to look after yourself too, as your DH is clearly not going to offer to help. All of us strangers are saying to give yourself a break, I'm sure you'd advise a friend the same. Please care about your health and wellbeing in the way that you're caring about everyone elses.

Fingers crossed that things improve for you soon x

Op you have my sympathies. Your dh is a selfish lazy arse. But why on earth are you putting up with this behaviour? You don't want to make a fuss but you will end up frazzled by being a martyr. He should be doing the school run AND taking
the baby in a buggy with him to give you a break. If your older one is at school today let dh have the baby and just relax for a bit. Please stop being a martyr. You have PND. You absolutely need support and regular breaks. And Dh needs to parent his own kids.

I feel so frustrated reading your updates. You seem so passive. You're letting dh get away with doing nothing because you're scared of him sulking. So what? Let him bloody sulk. He's a bloody father now. He sulks because he knows it will shut you up. Well don't shut up. Tell him to step up and do his bloody share. You're only asking him to be a dad.

Ask him to give you equal access to family finances. Otherwise it's financial abuse.
You can take some of the power back.

Seaside, you are doing brilliantly at standing up to the naysayers on this thread - holding your own and beating away criticisms. You can do it! Now go be that ballsy to your DH and get what you need!!

Your problem is classless.

You are in a relationship which could make your life much easier than that of the single parents you met. It doesn't though, except financially (assuming he covers housing and bills). Time and support-wise you're not. That should give him pause for thought, not you.

The important thing is to accept any help offered. When you've slept better and had a little break or two, you'll feel better able to think and address the wider issues.

A tny thing but, stop packing the swimming bag for him. Let him organise his own 'superdad' activity (and book and pay for it and remember to re-book, obvs). If you want to stay at home with the baby, do. If you feel your DS will be happier if you're watching, spectate - but this is a great opportunity for gradual withdrawal, allowing the two of them to spend some time together.

Having had a similar experience with my ex, I found me being admitted to hospital for 3 days with suspected meningitis (turned out to be a v extreme reaction to Slapped Cheek Disease!) concentrated his mind rather effectively on what is actually involved in dealing with a small child and a reflux constantly screaming bf baby all day and night...

In fact, the experience scarred him so much he announced his was moving out the day after I got home! Strangely, that actually made my life a hell of a lot easier as I then had one less (man) child to look after.

Suppose you had to go into hospital? Maybe for a few days? Would he regard that as an aggressive act? He needs to learn, and get some practice in with the DC, in case it ever happens.

Obviously both kids are here and there's no time machine, but it's still a good question.

OP, did you plan to share the tasks in this way when you initially decided to start a family? How was he with the first baby? Has he ever engaged as a father?

Were you happy to have kids on the basis that it was entirely your responsibility to care for them?

I'm trying to work out if this guy is chancing his lazy arse but is decent and kind, or whether he just doesn't give a shit.

He's decent. Just fucking clueless.

OP, you are also doing a full time job, one with no days off, no holiday or sick pay and you are on call constantly. That is BEFORE having a child with special needs. You need to be as fit and well as your husband to do that job.

Please take the help you have been offered. It's not about whether you deserve it, it's about whether you need it and you DO!

This is important - your husband is gaslighting you with this "I am a delicate little creative who cannot cope with life the way ordinary people do" shit. I know, I am a creative also. I am also a full time mum. I know lots of other creative women with children and they all manage to do the nitty gritty bits of life as well as being creative, some of them are single parents. In fact, the ONLY creatives I know who faint regularly onto a chaise lounge at being asked to load a dish washer or parent their own fucking kids for the day, are men. Do NOT fall for it. If you need a day off, he works in the evening. That's the joy of being creative, it fits in around family life! I know plenty of people who sit down after a hard day of parenting, DIY, cooking, cleaning, school runs etc and start to draw or paint or write so that the money keeps coming in. Start walking out of the house, trust me, he won't stay semi-comatose for long once he realises you are not coming back to rescue him!

Lastly, you sound like a strong woman. The PND will be hitting you hard, confusing you, slowing you down. But that's not you. x

It's very self-serving of him to remain that clueless @seasidewitchtits
has he no eyes, brain, empathy? What creative industry does he excel in that he can be this lacking in observational powers. I thought they were a pre-requisite for being any good creatively.

So does he pay for everything in the house, all the bills and all the basics for the kid? Or do you support your kids out of your miserly monthly sum?

You really need to sit down and talk about how this arrangement isn't working for you. You have a 24/7 job and he swans off on creative days in a whim.

How open is he about money? If he's got into trouble before then you should be able to access proof he's paying all the bills etc with real money.

We don't have a joint account, it suited me not too before kids and I just payed a bit more in, and it suits me now we have kids and I just pay a bit less in. But he would hand over money in request if I asked.

He’s not clueless though - he WFH so must be aware on some level what happens on a day to day basis.

Someone clueless would be more involved but hapless.

How much of your time is taken up with him? What does he do if he doesn’t help with the kids? Does he clean? Cook? Do the food shopping? Is he out of his depth with the children but does other stuff?

I’m not saying my DH is a paragon but if I had to go in to hospital he’d be fine. Does school run, can administer medicine, knows where the doctor is etc.

I was readmitted to hospital 5 days after having my second baby leaving him with a newborn and our 5yo and he was fine.

You shouldn’t accept less.

OP I have a close family member with a severely autistic DS who is 16. Her DH is fucking useless. He has never parented his DS for all the reasons your DH has given. As a consequence her DS will now not stay in the house with his own father and she never gets a break. As he has got older her DS has become more and more difficult and violent and her respite options are becoming more and more limited. She is managing an adult sized child single handedly with no support from her own DH or external agencies. She is now at breaking point.

Her DH brings nothing to the household. He barely contributes financially and is now just another person for her to look after. I have begged her to leave him but she is so beaten down she just doesn’t have the strength.

Please OP, don’t become her. Either fight the fight with your DH now, support him and your DS to improve their relationship so that you can share the parenting burden with him or leave him now whilst you’ve still got the strength to do it

He might earn well but he clearly sees it as his bloody money! Saying I hope that came out your money with regard to the pram is beyond ridiculous.

Do you have access to his money OP?

Oh, I'd say he's pretty clued up. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Op. Please know that your dh knows exactly what he's doing. He's far far from being clueless. What he is, is selfish, inconsiderate, uncaring, unsupportive, and unwilling to parent his own children. He is this way because it suits him to be this way. If you divorced him he would HAVE to parent the dc at least part of the time AND pay maintenance. Remind him of this.

I'm sorry to say I hate men like this. They would never dream of treating friends or colleagues like this. When it comes to their partners and dc they are lazy and selfish shits. They need a grenade up their backsides.

If you don't have access to family money, he's not clueless

Also, that semi comatose thing? He puts it on so you don't leave him with his children.

OP you need to stop enabling him. Obviously it’s his fault for behaving how he chooses to, but at the moment, to fix the problem, stop enabling.

Example: Why are you packing the swim bag? Why are you even going to the swim class- can’t DH drive? Can’t he get himself and DS changed? I know you say DS struggles with DH, I’ve read the thread, so maybe DH needs to do bathtimes, so that DS gets used to him drying him? Then they can go swimming without you also needing to leave the house.

I’ve had a few “mental load” issues with my DH, and have tried to stop enabling him, and it has helped.

I really feel for you, it sounds very difficult.

Sat in the car having dropped DS off (leaving sleeping baby and husband in bed) and so tempted to drive off and leave everyone to it for the day.

But I can't.

Can't you? It would do your DH a deal of good. He'd have to figure out how to feed and change his own baby which would be quite a learning experience for him. Then you can pick up DS after nursery, come home and complain to DH about what tiring day tired you had.