To have told DH to stop talking?

[seasidewitchtits]

He's been out all day having a 'much needed creative day' - visiting museums and meeting a friend for lunch.

I've been at home with 4 month old and autistic 4yo (and PND) all day, where the only break I got was 20 seconds to urinate before the 4mo kicked off and the 4yo started crying for me. I ate my lunch whilst constantly agitating a bouncer with my foot. It took four separate attempts to hang out one load of washing.

DH has just said 'Ooh I am tired tonight, today's been sooo busy' and, while I have often thought about telling him to shut up in similar situations, tonight I actually did!

He's huffed off to bed now and I'm downstairs waiting to dreamfeed the 4mo. I feel like I've done something wrong, but I don't feel a bit guilty or like apologising. AIBU to feel this way?

Only relation is Dad and he's 120 miles away and doesn't have any space in his house for us now. Also, he's lovely but a bit crap. I don't want to leave my home anyway.

I don’t understand why in your conversation about how tired you were you didn’t go on and say
“So from now on I’m going to have two hours every whatever-day for a yoga class and a coffee”. (Or whatever you’d like) - “I need to recharge my sanity and calm just like you need to recharge your creativity.”
Seriously, just choose something and do it. Regularly. Without compromise.

If he is left alone to look after the kids he will have to step up and do it right. But you have give him the opportunity to do it.

When you are there you are a safety net to take over when it becomes too much.

Leave him even for half a day to do it all himself. Make sure it includes a meal time and nap.

I'm probably going to get flamed here, however surely it's OK for men to want a break too? No, they aren't at home all day with the DC. However, he's been at work all day, and then home to the dc and in this case to a wife with PND.
I think it's hard for the DH in these cases too, and I say this as someone who suffered with it. It's important for everyone in the family to take a break occasionally.

But Martagon when does the OP get a break? She can't even go to the toilet and leave the DC with her DH without him falling apart.

OP does your 4 year old go to nursery/school? Does he cope without you then?

DS goes to nursery and loves it. I do all the drop off/picks ups. DH could do them, because he's at home a lot, but says 'he'll just cry for you the whole way' - therefore perpetuating the issue with DS.

Seriously op, make him step up or leave. At least then you'd get some time to yourself. Why do women put up with this bullshit?

What a tosser. He sees these as your children not his, he's checked out of parenting. Leaving the kids with him would be an act of aggression would it? I'm afraid I'd be showing him what aggression really looks like, and it wouldn't be that. Men like this make my blood boil. Seriously OP, what on earth are you getting out of this relationship? Your kids aren't getting anything that's for sure.

As hard as you might feel this may be on your DS you need to force your DH to spend some one on one time with him or he will never forge a bond with him. Some dads are quite frankly a bit useless with young children and babies but unless they practice and get to know how to deal with them it won't improve. Whatever excuse your DH gives about not wanting to spend time with him you need to force the issue. Also slightly worrying that he sees children equipment as being something you should pay for. Do you work or are you planning to when your baby is older?

I emotionally checked out of this thread when you said he wouldn't spend 50 quid on a second hand pram for your baby.
What a useless fuck.

What's the point of being with a selfish arsehole with a good job if he won't even give you money to spend on the kids.

No thanks. And you still say he's lovely

The only think creative I can see about your DH is how creative he is in shucking off his responsibilities!

Time for a serious talk..

OP I am very sorry about your situation and I hope my humourous outrage at your husband did not make you feel any worse.

OP isn't saying she hates her OH or he is abusive or that she wants rid of him. She is looking for a way to make him realise the enormity of her situation.

But she can't make him realise anything. She can try but she might not succeed. Sure, she doesn't want rid of him yet. But in the long run that depends on whether she can make him realise the enormity or not.

OP could he also be slightly autistic?

I wouldn't be totally surprised, it does run in families. But it wouldn't help the OP, apart from telling her that he isn't going to change, which by now she knows. She has three children to look after, not two, and in the long run she may be better telling the oldest child to leave home.

It's important for everyone in the family to take a break occasionally.

Yes it is very important, and he got a break for a whole day, then came home and complained he was tired. The OP doesn't even get a 10 minute toilet break. So what is your point?

And the OP has depression, sure, but it's probably not just PND. She has depression because she is living in an untenable situation.

He can't cope with the meltdowns.

Oh yes he can. He just doesn't want to and doesn't think he should have to. I mean what does he have to do except stand there til DS gets over it? It's embarrassing and unpleasant (btdt) but it's not hard.

DH thinks he's a hero for taking DS swimming every Saturday, but I do all the grunt work: packing the bag, driving everyone there, sitting poolside with the baby, getting DS changed, getting him dry, driving us all home. DH literally just gets into the pool with him for thirty minutes.

DH does not take DS swimming. You take the whole family swimming.

he's lovely but a bit crap.

So, your family "normal" is men who are a bit crap and women who look after them?

Sorry OP and I know it's hard for you but you are enabling your husband here.

It seems that there is quite a lot that he could do that doesn't entail him having sole charge of the 2 children all day if that scares the living daylights out of him.

When a baby is born both parents are equally inexperienced. You have to learn how to care for them. You have to learn to become experienced. I think often the mum shoulders this burden and allows the dad to perpetuate his inexperience.

When our son was born neither of us knew how to change a nappy, bathe him, dress him. We both had to learn. We were both nervous. We both got it wrong at times. If one or the other had taken over the other one would never had learned. I think this is what has happened here. Your husband was nervous and so you stepped in. Instead of letting him learn how to cope you excused him from having to deal with situations he felt uncomfortable with.

Maybe start letting him pick son up from nursery. If he gets upset he will soon be back home with you and maybe he will get used to being with dad and not so dependent on you. If you carry on doing it this way nothing will ever change and your husband will never learn to cope. You have to step back a little so that he can step forward.

Your updates are doing your DH no favours OP. I know you're really just posting for a moan and sympathy - I have 2 suggestions though. If his creative medium is writing could you write him a letter to share everything you need to? Also is there a Home-Start near you? They might be able to help.
The comment about the buggy was worrying though. He doesn't sound like a keeper at the moment.

Start small and build up if it seems easier. Maybe a half hour bath, then an hour to go out at the weekend, then a few hours for a hobby.

I was referred to Home Start but I was too ashamed to accept their help after attending one of their meetups and seeing the families that they help, which was mainly single parent families living on the breadline - I just felt ashamed of my stupid middle class problem around them and like I was leeching vital support away from them.

Show him his thread.

Discuss with him.

Hopefully he will want to step up and parent with you. At which point you need to let him.

Most men are perfectly capable of figuring it out if allowed to without interference from us women.

He mag not find it easy...or fun...all the time...but so what.

He may not 'parent' in the exact same way you would do it...but so what.

You need a break as much (If not more) than he does.

Jeez, OP - he doesn't parent, he doesn't contribute financially, he doesn't help you emotionally...

What is he for? You are NOT in a relationship. Or at least, HE isn't.

OP he doesn’t help and he makes you pay for a buggy from child benefit

Op I have a small baby and want to cry sometimes as it's relentless - hats off to you for having two to deal with. My dp is self employed and never stops working. I went a bit mental the other week and handed the baby over for a while as I was at breaking point. Yes he moaned the whole next day but I felt amazing and was better with baby as I wasn't a zombie anymore.
He now has the bbay for 30 min X 3 a week as I'm doing couch to five k. It's not long as baby is bf so needs me to eat but it's time for me and doing something which helps my pnd (for me anyway). It's making a difference but I had to.tell him he was doing it rather than ask. Honestly your DP will learn to cope but he has to be given the chance to learn

@seasidewitchtits if you were referred to Home-Start then you have as legitimate as need as anyone else. Take the help you've been offered. They are a wonderful organisation. When times improve for you you can pay it forward.

I find it so irritating when my husband Does that when he comes back from work let alone a 'creative day' to himself!

Selfish. Don't apologise!

I was referred to Home Start but I was too ashamed to accept their help after attending one of their meetups and seeing the families that they help, which was mainly single parent families living on the breadline

Home Start help all sorts of families and the makeup at any one time varies a lot. OP you have a DS with an ASC. I had my DS in some groups with some violent kids from abusive homes, and did the parenting groups with their carers, for all that we're naice and middle class ourselves. They were excellent groups and we all benefitted. You don't get referrals for no reason, so don't allow pride or shame to prevent your family from getting the support that you need to care for your DS and stay healthy yourself.

OP, if you were offered Home-Start then take them up on it. You need help. I imagine it's extremely frustrating that you're effectively a single parent. Your h is useless, isn't he? Selfish fecker who's also tight.

What will your life look like in 5 years? Think about that. Think what would have to happen fofr you to be happier.

How about you and dh making a timetable of when you both 'work' - so he does 9-5, say, and you do pretty much 24 hours, then TELL him this is unfair and he needs to do a, b and c to take some of the load off you.

And this should start with him taking your older dc. Sure, he'll cry to start with but otherwise your h will never get used to looking after him and before you know it, he'll be 18 and his father will never have looked after him! Start now.