To have told DH to stop talking?

[seasidewitchtits]

He's been out all day having a 'much needed creative day' - visiting museums and meeting a friend for lunch.

I've been at home with 4 month old and autistic 4yo (and PND) all day, where the only break I got was 20 seconds to urinate before the 4mo kicked off and the 4yo started crying for me. I ate my lunch whilst constantly agitating a bouncer with my foot. It took four separate attempts to hang out one load of washing.

DH has just said 'Ooh I am tired tonight, today's been sooo busy' and, while I have often thought about telling him to shut up in similar situations, tonight I actually did!

He's huffed off to bed now and I'm downstairs waiting to dreamfeed the 4mo. I feel like I've done something wrong, but I don't feel a bit guilty or like apologising. AIBU to feel this way?

OP - are there any other issues? Is he a good father? Sorry but your thread makes him sound utterly useless except for the fact he earns well. You need more help if anything, especially now your son has been diagnosed. Burying his head and ‘not accepting’ it is stupid and childish. He be a grown man your husband, with responsibilities, not a child. Hope you’re feeling ok OP, but I hope you manage to find someway to change, I fear he will only get worse (your husband)

OP use Home-Start, that is what it is there for.

When you do the nursery drop off, do you take the baby as well? Could you leave the baby at home with DH?

OP you ARE a single parent.

He doesn't parent, he occasionally stands I na swimming pool with your eldest.

If you split and he got EOW he'd have to learn to cope or would he just never see your eldest with you? And he'd have to financially contribute

Pick a child and take them out for some alone time for a couple of hours. Next time take the other one. Then take neither.

I think you need to talk to him, and try to establish some firm expectations with him.

That he has to step up and learns how to parent his children, both when you're around and on his own. Whether he wants to or not, he still needs to do this. Set a timetable of how he can start practising every day.

That he has his job, but outside of his working hours, then you are both EQUALLY responsible for looking after the children.This also means that it's ok for you both to have some time away - but it has to be EQUAL, and negotiated.

He could work more flexible hours too, and do some childcare during the day, as well as the nurery runs. He could then catch up on his work after the children are in bed. Make sure he is also involved in the morning chores as well as other times. He has to start interacting with his children MUCH more, so they see him as their carer too. Your oldest will then begin to be more comfortable with him

I would also talk to him about finances. If you only have child benefit, and no access to any other money, this sounds financially abusive! How come he gets to spend on lunches/days out, and you don't have access to money to do the same? What makes him so worthy, and not you?

TBF I think you're going to struggle to effect any meaningful changes from him, as he seems very happy to treat you like a servant. I don't say this often on here, but he sounds like a right cunt. Maybe you need to consider marriage counselling together to address some of these issues? Ultimately, you're probably going to decide how much of his selfish and controlling attitude you are willing to tolerate in the long term, or whether to separate may be healthier for you. Individual counselling may be a way forward for you.

Oh OP. He's only behaving like this because you're enabling it.

Is this really how you want the rest of your life to be?

I kicked my DH out for 6 months when he was an absent father. Soon gave him a kick up the arse and sorted out his priorities, I can tell you.

Why are so many people incredulous that OP had a second child with him, and that she’s not planning to LTB? It’s not always the easiest option to uproot yourself and your child in the hope of a better life. Sometimes it seems like the better option to work with at the relationship you have, and to have the children you want with the partner you’ve chosen, even when it’s a bloody slog and sometimes miserable. Moving house, taking a drop in income, dealing with the stress of shared custody, making that your child’s new normal, that’s a really huge decision to make. It’s perfectly rational to think that your relationship, or your partner’s behaviour, might improve with some help and support and time.

OP, please be encouraged by the unanimous UANBU here. I think your best option here is to make small but constant changes to the amount of time your OH has the children to himself. Give it some time, keep pointing out what is reasonable, keep asking for the specific bits of help even though you shouldn’t have to ask each and every time. If things really don’t improve, well then you’ll know that splitting up truly is the best option.

Sat in the car having dropped DS off (leaving sleeping baby and husband in bed) and so tempted to drive off and leave everyone to it for the day.

But I can't. So I'll call in at Tesco on the way home, pick up an almond croissant and head back into the fray.

Give yourself an hour with a hot drink

Do start making changes, do start making your H do things for DS eg the drop off everyday. Tell him if he's still crying at the end of the academic year you'll take it back over!

Certainly you need to have equal access to money.

Ok, so.... he is a ‘creative’ type and presumably sensitive, and his work is presumably paid by the day rather than by project if him helping for the day means that he earns nothing that day. You say he is well paid, so buy in the help you need. Cleaner, gardener, support worker. Then you might be able to reduce stress if not totally take time for yourself?

He drives off without so much as a backwards glance, OP. He needs to be left with them for a day and you need to stop feeling guilty about it. He is actively rejecting parenting and becoming financially abusive, too.

Call in at Tesco, sit down with a coffee and a croissant and give yourself 45 minutes peace ffs!

I get that things are hard, but honestly if you have a kid with ASD you are going to have to grow a thicker skin. If you were offered homestart it's because you need it. Take it. If you need your husband to step up you're going to have to push harder to make that happen -- today is a perfect example of time you could take. You also need to have a really hard conversation with DP about the ASD. It's not uncommon to find parents/grandparents who go into complete denial about a diagnosis, but you don't have to play along with it.

OP take an hour out and go an sit with a hot drink and a newspaper along with that almond croissant.

And if he rings tell him you're having a creative hour to recharge your batteries.

Reading your thread and feeling immense sympathy for you OP. I have a child with autism and it's tough enough parenting a toddler but negotiating autism is really tough. I feel like when I had kids that I became an adult, like the burden of all that responsibility was mine and it has changed me. Reading your thread I wonder if you used to also have a nice creative job, that you used to share a special connection with your DH and you both thought parenthood was going to be different - fun, crafty, free, creative? And then you have a child who can't fit into that mould and instead needs something completely different - structure, routine, rigour? I'm sure your DH has some great qualities and maybe just can't get with this new programme especially since you're 'coping'. He needs to know you're not just tired and that you desperately need support.
I refused HomeStart too - partly for your reasons but also I had a husband working from home who would actually drop work and parent. Take any support offered even someone to jiggle the bouncy chair while you put out the washing is a start. Sorry that's all a bit garbled, it's resonated with me on lots of levels.

Ffs I'd have told him to shut up the moment he said he was off 'on a creative day' what the fuck is that anyway!!
He's taking the piss
You need to arrange some time to yourself, I understand this may be hard whilst breastfeeding though. I didn't bf so I'm not sure how it works, maybe you could grab an hour or two this Saturday and tell him your off for a creative coffee !!!

He needs to start taking the 4yo out and looking after him. He may cry but he will never get used to it otherwise and the problem will get worse and worse

For goodness sake.

There's no point in repeatedly saying "why did you have a second child after seeing his behaviour with the first" because she's done it. It can't be undone and OP loves her kid so it is an upsetting, unhelpful thing to say.

But OP, you need to take on board the actual advice. You need to make him step up. Even if that does mean you need to write out specific instructions and leave him for 1 hour, then 2 hours, then 3. And keep doing it. Don't let him away with sulking. Every time he silks, or huffs or complains you say "these are you kids. Stop sulking and do your share." Make it clear that you don't expect him to take on half the childcare since he works, but when he is not working he needs to contribute to their upbringing. And if he says he can't possibly because he 'creative' tell him that is bullshit. I'm creative, I've built a business empire on being creative and I'm also a single mum to 2 kids with no nanny or cleaner. He can do it. He needs to do it. But he won't bother if you continue to sit back and allow this to happen.

To be honest I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Why don’t you tell him you’re having a day off at the weekend if you’re so annoyed about it? I think it was rude and quite selfish to refuse to listen to him talk about his day. Obviously if he’s having a creative day every week that’s different, but you haven’t said this is a regular thing. I understand it’s tough for you, but presumably no tougher than any other day your OH is at work?? Don’t take your frustrations out on him, just tell him that next Saturday you are going out for the day and he can look after the kids. Hopefully when you get home he will be polite enough to listen to what you’ve done and not tell you to shut up.

Take an hour this morning OP. Small steps

You say 'He can't cope with the meltdowns.'
He can cope with the meltdowns. He just doesn't have to because you always do. Let him cope. Let him learn how to be a good dad to both his children.Let him find his own strategies for soothing DS. It won't be easy, I know, but it will be fair.

A few points here

So he can take a ‘creative day’ and lose a days wages ‘but he’s not prepared to lose a days wage so he can look after his own dc’

Any health professional, midwife, social services, health visitor will tell you it’s vital you get time to yourself to recharge your batteries

He wouldn’t spend £50 for a pram, yet he earns money, but you have to take it out of child benefit

Ffs just tell him you are taking 1 afternoon/day a month out to do whatever you want - he will NEVER, NEVER get used to looking after the dc, and your dc will never bond with him if you don’t give them the chance! You are becoming part of the problem. Seriously you just have to bite the bullet and do it!

If you do decide to separate, your husband will have to learn to co parent in his access time.
I totally get that all you want now is an opportunity to vent but you should try to take on board the sensible advice you have been given. Try to be reasonable, don't make an enemy of your husband but give him very specific jobs to do.
In the short term the pp who mentioned couch to 5k, is making a really practical suggestion. Half an hour to an hour each day for some exercise in the fresh air would do you a lot of good. That is doable. Explain what you are going to do and stick to it. Before you know it will have become the norm. Just go for it.

Wow that's a cf right there.Tell him you'll be taking a day off in the near future and that he is babysitting.

I'd have said much worse to him! IMO you were restrained and polite...

Wait. I just realise the "your money" thing. So you have about £100 a month in child benefit. Is that all? What about the family money he earns? Is that all his? I assume he pays the bills and then keeps the rest to himself, even though the reason you don't work is because you both decided to have children?

No. No. No.

ALL the money needs to be in a joint account. Bills come out, including all expenses for the children. Then you split what is left.

I don't understand how you've ended up in this situation. Two children with a man who doesn't look after them and won't share his money.