To have told DH to stop talking?

[seasidewitchtits]

He's been out all day having a 'much needed creative day' - visiting museums and meeting a friend for lunch.

I've been at home with 4 month old and autistic 4yo (and PND) all day, where the only break I got was 20 seconds to urinate before the 4mo kicked off and the 4yo started crying for me. I ate my lunch whilst constantly agitating a bouncer with my foot. It took four separate attempts to hang out one load of washing.

DH has just said 'Ooh I am tired tonight, today's been sooo busy' and, while I have often thought about telling him to shut up in similar situations, tonight I actually did!

He's huffed off to bed now and I'm downstairs waiting to dreamfeed the 4mo. I feel like I've done something wrong, but I don't feel a bit guilty or like apologising. AIBU to feel this way?

He's obviously useless and sexist but if you're not going to force him to realise his responsibilities then nothing will change.

This is why women are crazy. It's not our fault.

I’ll bet you’re responsible for all the Christmas stuff too. Good news op, you need to go and do the Christmas shopping without the kids so it’s a surprise for them. It can take ages. And a lot of shopping centres are rubbish for phone reception.

Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet in these situations. Either he steps up or you ship him out. No need for him to act the child too. Might I suggest an evening or weekend job, when the baby is older? It’s amazing how well the men suddenly cope when they’ve no choice.

Hang in there, it will get better, one way or another.

This is bloody ridiculous. Talk to him. Explain you need a break and that he needs to learn how to cope with them both all day so you can refuel too. It's not an act of aggression, it's a very important part of family life. I think families are stronger when men properly bond with and take responsibility for their DC. He'll find his own ways to care for them and then he'll start to enjoy it. But if he doesn't - if he's shocked by it, then ask him to appreciate how hard you find it day in day out, how trappe dyou feel if he never gives you a break.

DH is a proper equal partner now but I still feel resentful if I begin to remember what things were like when DC were tiny. (And he thinks he was wonderful then because he helped out at all.)

OP you're the best! You can cope just fine but that doesn't excuse your DH from not doing his bit.
Make a plan, go off for the day and leave the kids with him. They'll all survive but it may make him appreciate you.

Why on earth did you have children with this useless sod of a man?

What is with this abundance of men who think women just exist to facilitate them? Who can't cope for any time with the kids but assume women just do it effortlessly? Where did all these useless sacks come from? What is with these Darwinian nightmares?

He'd view it as an aggressive act? So what?
Why don't you just have a day to yourself. What's he gonna do? Send you to bed with no supper?
Seriously though, you are both parents so maybe it's about time he tried being one. It's not all your responsibility. He's never going to volutneer for it is he? So just take your day and sod him.

Women are allowed to be aggressive when the situation calls for it you know. Even if men don't like it. I reckon you are nowhere near aggressive enough.

It should have been you huffing off to bed not him. More sleep is lovely.

Sit him down and tell him that if he doesn't start pulling his weight, you will stop supporting him. That means you stop washing and cooking for him, you don't keep the DC quiet while Daddy is wanking 'being creative and, if he still won't pull his weight, you will throw him out. (You're married and you have two DC, one with SN - you will get the house and he will have to leave...). However lucrative his job, that doesn't mean that you are his servant.

I don't get a creative day. It's not important for my creative juices to flow because they don't earn us any money or help children to stay alive.

And he believes that? Really? Well, on the other hand, a creative day for you might help your DH not end up under the patio. Just sayin'.

it wouldn't ever enter his head that I might go without the kids. And it would never enter his head that he should go with them

And you had a second child with this useless selfish twat? What possessed you? Has he got a sex technique to make your eyeballs squeak or what?

I feel like if I tried to take a day he'd view it as an aggressive act.

And if it was? In your situation I'd be feeling so angry with him I couldn't see straight.

Something is very wrong here. You're a very nice person with a strong sense of responsibility and he isn't. Somewhere along the line you've been totally taken for a ride.

It's not your responsibility to gently train him to be a parent, least of all when he's making no effort whatsoever. Seriously, what would he have done if after the first 10 minutes of having to look after the two children by yourself you'd said, "nah, too hard, not doing this" and sauntered off?

You deserve so much better, op, I'm sorry.

LTB!!!!

My husband could never be happy if I was miserable, and vice versa. Why are so many people happy to grind their supposedly beloved life partners and co parents into the earth?

Fucking hell, @seasidewitchtits - I think I would have murdered him by now.

Your husband sounds like a wanker. A selfish, dim-witted one.

Nope it depends on the topic. He’s being dumb. Sometimes men do not get it.

Sometimes men do not get it.

They get it well enough to know it's hard enough that they don't want to do it. They're men, not amoebas. Apparently.

YWNBU. He is being insensitive and also turning himself into the victim. I agree with the poster who suggested going out more and building up to it.

if he doesn't get left with them and go a bit mad he will never learn then how to deal with it(be a father and help them calm down).as a first time parents Im sure when you firs tstarted your felt overwhelmed a some points.but you then got into ur routines or just leanr how to be a parent.he needs to do this too.
because you sound tired op and im really sorry for you.
can you sit down and talk to him.tell him your worn out and overhwlemed and just need some time out.if he loves you he shouldn't see this as an aggressive act but simply for whatever reason his love needs help!we can get tired for many reason and should be allowed help never mind having to do wha tyour doing on your own.
could a friend or family come round and say im taking op out for the day.this would then not be your choice so he cant point the finger at you.
or if this is how he is going to be can you get help from outside sources.be it groups or parents or friends and family.you don't want to burn out hun,thatl never help and will impact you an the kiddies.
you deserve creative days.or toss that you deserve home help no matter what you do outside of being a parent.

Fucking snowflake.
He could at least take one small off your hands for a few hours
That's it. I framed a picture today, cooked a meal and spoke to my kids; both of them. I am exhausted so will need the day off tomorrow to recover.

I feel like I really NEED DH to see what a whole day with sole responsibility for both kids looks like, but I feel like if I tried to take a day he'd view it as an aggressive act.

Oh, come on! You sound like a right martyr here. And it sounds like he's got you right where he wants you... Fecking creative day my arse. he's laughing all the way to the art gallery.

So you had one dc. How was he with parenting then? Has he gradually got worse? Or has he always been useless??

Why haven't you called him out on it before now?

It's time to start reclaiming your own creative days and making him do his share of parenting, OP. Or else perhaps it might be time to rethink your relationship. What do you get from it?

Seaside, serbska (and others) obviously intends that you return the baby. Can’t you just do that?

He is being unfair though. It’s early days so if being charitable I suppose having 2 might also be an adjustment for him, but I’m guessing he was like this before?

Take the time you need - fight for it and claw it back in one hour increments if you have to, before this become the status quo.

He just doesn't have the foggiest does he?!

DH is now a SAHD, but previously when he worked ft one of the things he used to do was take our then 4 and 2 year old and young baby to the local park for a bit to give me a break or let me sleep. He managed and built up the time gradually as baby went longer between feeds/started eating solids (he was a sahd with the eldest for a while as baby/toddler so hands on).

He still had no idea how exhausting doing it all day, every day with several small children was until he was chucked in the deep end when I went back to work when youngest was nearly 1.

Get him to start giving the baby a bottle of milk then book yourself a nice spa day and leave him to it.

So before I went to bed I tried explaining his tired I was, and how much this was faking out of me. He told me 'I know you're tired, don't think I don't understand that just because I don't say it all the time'

But that was it. No 'How can I make this easier for you?' No attempt at trying to help. If I want help I have to ask for it, very specifically, because otherwise it never happens. And when I do ask for it it's often met with 'Well fine, I just won't work today and we won't get any money' and much huffiness.

I can't see a way out. I'm too tired. I need someone to help me sometimes.

You too keep your children alive by feeding them, caring for them, and looking out for them so that they are safe. Your husband would be taking time off from his paid work so that he can do his other jobs, caring for his wife and being a parent to his children.