To have told DH to stop talking?

[seasidewitchtits]

He's been out all day having a 'much needed creative day' - visiting museums and meeting a friend for lunch.

I've been at home with 4 month old and autistic 4yo (and PND) all day, where the only break I got was 20 seconds to urinate before the 4mo kicked off and the 4yo started crying for me. I ate my lunch whilst constantly agitating a bouncer with my foot. It took four separate attempts to hang out one load of washing.

DH has just said 'Ooh I am tired tonight, today's been sooo busy' and, while I have often thought about telling him to shut up in similar situations, tonight I actually did!

He's huffed off to bed now and I'm downstairs waiting to dreamfeed the 4mo. I feel like I've done something wrong, but I don't feel a bit guilty or like apologising. AIBU to feel this way?

You aren't unreasonable to need some down time

Suggest he takes the 4 year old for the day occasionally op.

Your wellness and mental health DO keep the children alive. They need you to be OK, to be energetic enough to think of ways to entertain them, to be patient with them, to feed them, to be a role model for them, to be their advocate and their main parent.
He does not get to avoid being a true parent because he works.
What would he do, after all, if you broke a leg? If you split up and he had them every other weekend? if you were ill in hospital for weeks like my DH was once?
How will he have a meaningful relationship with his DC if he cannot take a 4 year old out for a day?
How will he have a loving family if he is so callous when you are suffering?
Leave the kids with him for at least a couple of hours every weekend, build it up, and keep explaining that, in fact, they all need you to be well.
Or LTB.

He doesn’t have a clue, does he? Yes, you’re going to have to spell it out to him. Taking your 4 yo out for the day is a good idea. That should be achievable and gives you some time with to rest with your baby and just sleep when the baby sleeps.

Do you have anyone, who could help out sometimes? Could you afford to pay anyone?

This thread makes me sad for women. I am older and thought younger men might be more hands on and less bloody selfish.

OP, it's not you, it's him, he's being a self centred arse who clearly sees what he does as more worthwhile and important than you raising the children. You must make a stand or you will be in for a lifetime of this shit.

Well you need to state in as plain as simple words as possible everything you are feeling, what you want to change, the controlling blackmail about him working needs to end and that you need time off too. Its shit you need to do this but clearly trying to have an adult discussion and him picking up on your hints isnt being heard so now you need to be completely clear so he has no excuses.

This makes me sad for women too. Somehow, so many people implicitly or explicitly think this is normal, so many men don't take parental leave, so many families fall into this pattern.
How can we still, as a culture, think that mothers don't have any right to a public life, to equal (or even any!) time for creative/ sports/ replenishing / etc days? But men get to decide what they are doing, and the childcare falls to the women? It's 2018. Not 1818.
"Creative day?" -bullshit.

My ex was like this too and when I did finally manage a day or couple of hours out he would call and text all the time telling me he couldn't cope/had a headache etc. His mum made it worse as she believed I was selfish for leaving my children as what was the point in me having them.

I tried and tried to get him to see they were his responsibility too but gave up in the end and now I'm a single mum of 3 and have realised other than money life is much easier without the resentment of him coming home and doing nothing.

From the little you have said about your OH's work it sounds as if you are well provided for in the financial sense. Could you afford a part-time nanny? Even for a couple of afternoons a week? It would give you the break you so desperately need.

I think all the 'he is a wanker' and similar comments are totally unfounded. OP isn't saying she hates her OH or he is abusive or that she wants rid of him. She is looking for a way to make him realise the enormity of her situation.

OP could he also be slightly autistic? He seems lacking in any empathy.. he literally does not understand what your role involves. Nothing is going to change fast but I think you must stop enabling him; encourage him to look after one of the children.. maybe take the 4yo out to play in the garden.. and gradually increase the time he spends with them. Even if he is the one to sit with one foot on the bouncy seat it is doing something towards teaching him that parenting is a two person job.

I do feel for you. My first OH was much the same.. only his 'creative days' involved coming home as drunk as he could manage. He never lifted a finger to help with the children and the day I had to leave him with three of them due to an emergency he was totally shell-shocked when I got home after a couple of hours! However it did seem to open his eyes a bit and he managed to be a tiny bit more helpful after that. The sad thing is he loved them (as I have no doubt your OH does) he was simply brought up to believe it was a woman's job and he shouldn't have to be involved. My situation did escalate badly after we split up due to the drinking and he had them for weekends. He had no clue and the list of accidents grew so long and so fast that I had to remove both myself and the children from his reach (think accidents, and stitches, and fires.. and unattended serious cuts and bruises)

Plan in your mind what you need him to do and then sit him down again and try to explain. Instead of emphasising how bone-tired you are try focusing on how much he is missing out on by being uninvolved. Tell him you understand how stressful he finds parenting and remind him that you do too.. and also possibly remind him that they are his children and he has to play his part. If you had wanted to be a single parent then that is the route you would have taken, as it stands you are together and you want to be a family of two parents and two children.. not one parent, two children and a man-child.

Why did you have a second child with him? asking this as my ex was the same and I vowed to never have another baby with him.

He is lot better now that we split but he is the type of man who could not handle having a young family full time, no patience and too selfish. Your husband sounds the same.

This thread makes me sad for women. I am older and thought younger men might be more hands on and less bloody selfish.
*

There are quite a few posts on here about feeling sorry for women, this is not the time to feel sorry for women.

We have power here, no one was forcing OP to have a SECOND child with this man. No one is forcing OP to stay in this relationship.

Men can act badly but we are not powerless in this situation.

By going out on the Saturday he dictated what your Saturday was (caring for DC).

Tell him you will not be dictated to like some sort of domestic slave.

Ultimately, so what if you have to tell him specifically what you need and how to care for his own DC? Just tell him in words of 1 syllable. Write a list and stick it on the fridge. Take baby and go out for the morning. The 4 yo will cope with daddy day care.

It takes 2 to tango and the resentment you are stuck in is blinding you to your own power to enforce change.

Does he typically work Mon-Fri? What are his typical hours?

I suggest you start to establish Sat mornings (or whenever works for you) as your time to get things done without the kids (hairdressers, seeing friends etc). That way he can't claim you're preventing him working.

I like the idea of him spending time with your 4yo by himself too. Maybe he could take the 4yo out somewhere on Sundays? My OH used to take DD1 out on a bus trip to a cafe when DD2 was little. DD1 absolutely adored it.

And what does he do after work on his work days? How is that childcare/housework split?

You have my sympathy. I have three kids and two are autistic and I work as well from home. It’s exhausting. Your dh needs to step up. Saying he’ll not be able to work is an excuse to box you into a corner. Just leaving him with the kids when you go out will be awful and you’ll feel guilty probably but you need to do it. You’re not his domestic slave. The kids are as much his as they are yours.

Nothing is more likely to stimulate the creative juices that having to find a way to stop a crying baby while juggling making lunch, cleaning the mess off the floor, figuring out what will they will eat this day (because it sure as hell won't be what they ate yesterday) and so on and so on.
What an awful attitude he has

The four year old has ASD and panics when I'm not there. There's usually a lot of crying involved. So DH never does anything alone with him. Has taken him to the park alone for an hour maybe three times since the baby was born. He can't cope with the meltdowns.

DH thinks he's a hero for taking DS swimming every Saturday, but I do all the grunt work: packing the bag, driving everyone there, sitting poolside with the baby, getting DS changed, getting him dry, driving us all home. DH literally just gets into the pool with him for thirty minutes.

The non main carer is not going to understand until they have to do the childcare, man or woman. Mine thought I was a bit of a bad mum when I asked for a 10 minute break just to walk around the block with music in when my high needs baby was 6 months old or so (I was the main carer as tied to a breast pump and he had to go back to work full time). Queue subsequent extra kids and again, each time, he didn't understand until he actually had to look after them himself (I get a day off about once every 4 to 6 months).

Make him take care of them, then he might understand. Otheriwse you were def nbu.

I left him for ten minutes to have a shit on Saturday. The baby got hungry and cried. DS started to cry. DH freaked and sat in a semi comatose state for ten minutes because of how 'intense' that was.

Actually spat my coffee out laughing at this. He is an actual real life joke.

Very manipulative of him to claim you'll be poor if he looks after his own kids. If he has 2 days off per week he can spend 1 looking after his children.

I had one of these useless twats. Life is much easier without the hope of help or the sulking because he's expected to parent. Plus I get EOW to myself. Point out he'd have EOW to parent alone if you kick him out.

Well done you @safetyfreak - you win. Seriously enjoying everyone pointing out how stupid I am for having my (delightful, currently grinning in my arms) baby.

Oh and for the record FUCK OFF DAILY MAIL YOU DO NOT HAVE MY PERMISSION TO USE THIS THREAD (as if that makes any difference)

Op - I feel for you. However you are going to need to spell out what you want rather than waiting for him to read your mind. Decide what time each week you want to yourself (eg one night and 3 hours on a Saturday morning) and explain to him that in future he needs to manage the kids at those times as you will be out. And then GO OUT. Join a gym, go to the cinema, have lunch with a friend. You really need this time for your sanity and your kids need time alone with their dad. If you can’t do it for you, do it for them - do you really want them to have a remote relationship with a distant dad who has no clue how to look after them? Giving them time alone with their dad will pay off for everyone in the long term.

Hey, Seaside. Sorry you’re getting a
rough time at home and indeed here. Your husband sounds pretty useless and it is very galling of him to be whining about being tired.

You do need someone to help you. It doesn’t sound as though at the moment it’s going to be him. So, is it possible to buy in some help? Even send the washing out for a service wash. And maybe next time they’re swimming, pop off and get a coffee/change the baby’s nap put, something, anything.

A PP asked if he believes in PND. I’m also interested in whether he accepts the autism diagnosis. We have a newly diagnosed child and although my DH has always been great with him, it’s me who’s doing
all the reading and the courses. He’ll read stuff if I pass it to him and he listens well to stuff I pass on from
courses and remembers but it’s tiring having to be the font of all knowledge. Good luck.

I've known DS was autistic for a long time, but the recent diagnosis hit DH like a tonne of bricks.

He's been avoiding looking after DS for over two years, mainly because of the work involved but also because (and this is the armchair psychotherapist in me talking) he is avoiding dealing with the reality of our son's condition in a subconscious level.

Many are asking about hiring in help. DH got into some trouble a year ago with an unexpected tax bill. We're ok now, and slowly digging our way out of it. He's learnt his lesson about sorting out his finances properly. But it's made him jumpy, and obsessive about spending. I bought the baby a new buggy for £50 on a selling site as ours wasn't fit for purpose and he said 'I hope this has come out of your money' (child benefit, that's all the money I have) and I said 'Yes. But heaven forbid you should use your precious wages to purchase a piece of vital equipment for your own child' - that shut him up. Maybe I need to be more assertive with him, but I can't stand the sulking.

Be careful he doesn't become financially abusive. Make sure you have access to all money. It's family money and by god you're earning it! He was the one who fucked up with HMRC so he's not allowed to punish you for his stupidity.

He sounds really awful. Is there anything you like about him? Can you go and stay with your mum or sister for a bit?