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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wait until the end of the year to TTC due to school year

187 replies

florapomandalexander · 01/10/2018 20:47

DC 1 will be 2 in December and we are thinking about timing for dc2 as we are both really keen to have another child. We had talked about starting to ttc soon as not sure how long it will take etc, the only thing putting me off is that if I got pregnant over the next couple of months the potential baby would be among the youngest in their school year and this could put them at a disadvantage? I just feel like just turned 4 is so young to start school and there is such a difference between some of the older and younger ones at that point.

DH thinks it is not that big of a deal and shouldn't be a factor in our decision, we have family members who are summer born and it has not held them back etc but it just worries me a little. But then again we would prefer to not have too big an age gap and no idea how long it will take.

What would you do and wibu to wait just so they were in a different school year?

Thank you

OP posts:
brookshelley · 02/10/2018 09:20

Why would being the youngest and smallest affect their self esteem?

It certainly can, particularly for boys. My DH was youngest in his class and he was fine until teenage years, when he was trying to keep up with his more classmates and got into a heap of trouble that he wasn't mature enough to cope with. So between DH and my brother's experiences, I believe it can be a challenge.

If you have a choice, which OP does short of some catastrophic fertility issues which mean her only chances for conception are between now and Christmas, then there is nothing wrong with trying to time the pregnancy. In fact there is no reason not to try and time a pregnancy for any reason (e.g. avoid summer in a hot region, work commitments) if that's what works for the couple.

wineandcheeese · 02/10/2018 09:24

The last 3 US presidents are all summer born Grin

glintandglide · 02/10/2018 09:25

The American education system is different though (and not very good compared to many)

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 02/10/2018 09:44

Or maybe being youngest and smallest could affect a child's confidence and self-esteem?

What about birth position in the family? They will always be younger and smaller than their sibling. How will that affect them?

There will always be someone stronger, smarter, faster than them, that's just life. If you think their month of birth is what's going to define them as a person then you're being a bit close minded.

For what it's worth I have an August baby and she's developed much more quickly than her May born sister and November born niece. I think the biggest factor in her development has been that the three of them are very close in age so she has always been determined to do everything the two older girls are doing.

Namelessinseattle · 02/10/2018 09:47

I was aiming for a summer baby to spread out Xmas and birthdays - feeling a bit thick now- and I was the eldest in my class.

Also feeling a bit sad my dh is summer born- one of the smartest and most successful people I know. If he was only a few months later imagine what could have happened Grin

I did think I could plan my second after conceiving my first so easily. I have learned that lesson for number 3 - hopefully.

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 02/10/2018 09:49

Oh and in terms of being 'small' and how it affects your self esteem - I am September born and was always the smallest/shortest in my class. I grew up, went to Hendon to become a police officer and guess what, I was still the bloody smallest in the class!

So September born means nothing to me

brookshelley · 02/10/2018 09:52

There will always be someone stronger, smarter, faster than them, that's just life. If you think their month of birth is what's going to define them as a person then you're being a bit close minded.

Did anyone say that?

I don't get why timing TTC for a slight advantage in school (from a statistical perspective this is true although varies from person to person obviously) is so terrible.

No one is saying if you already have a summer born you should just crumple in despair. The child doesn't exist yet. OP can shag whenever she likes. She's not being unreasonable!

Talith · 02/10/2018 09:53

I've mixed feelings:

It depends on the child tbh, my eldest is one the youngest in the year and it's not done him any favours. he'd have been better off being the year below. He's immature and "silly" compared to his more sophisticated peers and it's caused problems with friendships and academically he's not been able to shine.

My youngest however is a wise old soul and prefers the company of older children and academically is much more able and so he's bored rigid being one of the oldest in his year!

I conceived my elder child after a loss when I was desperate to conceive and didn't give a shit about when - I was very relieved to conceive at all and that's still my overriding feeling and I know when you're out in the world these things don't matter, and in time he will have benefited from being stretched more than his little brother..

So I can see where you're coming from, give it a try but don't jeopardise your fertility over it if it's not happening "at the right time"

OutPinked · 02/10/2018 09:54

I think people with this attitude are incredibly lucky and should be grateful that this is even a factor. So many people struggle to TTC and would take any baby born at any time.

I have two summer babies and it hasn’t affected them whatsoever. I’m just pleased they’re healthy and, well, alive...

OutPinked · 02/10/2018 09:56

FWIW my mid August baby is one of the tallest in the class and on the highest reading band. That’s not a weird stealth boast, I’m just trying to make it clear that being born in August hasn’t held her back in any way. Height and quite often intellect is down to genetics, not when you were born.

eeekwtf · 02/10/2018 10:00

summerbornchildren.org/home-2/
This site should help anyone wanting to get their summerborn in Reception at age 5. So they're the oldest in the year.

Thehop · 02/10/2018 10:02

It would factor in my decision now

One of my boys was an August baby and really struggled...still does.

My daughter arrived in September

brookshelley · 02/10/2018 10:32

Thehop I think when you know someone who has struggled because of it, you can see the logic.

BumDisease · 02/10/2018 10:38

Glad I didn't go to school in England or else I'd be pretty much written off for being born in July!

shitholiday2018 · 02/10/2018 11:15

I had a summer baby who I deferred but she was prem and had health difficulties. I see an awful lot of summer babies struggle In reception because they are so young, some can barely talk or even hold a pencil when they start. It’s supposed to be a play year but it’s really not these days, they learn all their phonics, how to read, writing and basic numeracy. So if you’re not ready to learn at just age 4, you are necessarily behind your peers, find it hard going, get put off learning and potentially get known as the naughty one because you simply aren’t ready. It’s really hard to see. I do see some summer babies who buck this trend but it’s unusual.

That said, I wouldn’t stop ttc for this date, because you never know. But yes, in an ideal world being one of the older ones is a significant advantage to being a younger one, certainly til years 3/4 when things have evened out but some kids haven’t caught up because the whole system has put them off.

SuperMonster · 02/10/2018 11:22

My little summer born has just started reception and is at no disadvantage to the rest of the class.
Surely it just depends on the child? She was 100% ready for school despite only just turning 4.
Out of my group of friends 4 were summer born, one is a GP now and one is an architect.

CaramelAngel · 02/10/2018 11:27

I didn't have the option of this due to fertility issues, so i needed to maximise my chances, but if you have the option I'd wait. Dd1 hasn't struggled academically but i think it affected her social standing within the class in the early years and she didn't really shake this off til year 7/new school

shitholiday2018 · 02/10/2018 11:53

Super monster, you’re right, it does depend on the child. Your 4 year old may be ready but the majority are not and this affects them long into their school life. And yes, sociallly it’s relevant too, it’s not just academics, it’s feeling like the smallest, the least able, the one who finds things more difficult. It’s nothing to do with ability, it’s simply that developmentally the difference between 4 and 5 is massive, and the closer you are to 5, the easier you find it. The converse of that is that the closer you are to 4, the more difficult you may find it. There are exceptions, I know a summer born who was no different to their peers, though I know many many more who struggled. I also know autumn babies who don’t shine academically or socially, but again, many many more who do. Not innately brighter or more confident, just bigger and better when compared against th spectrum of your average class.

What happens now is quite different academically. The Tory governments have pushed acihievement right down, so what you are expected to achieve now in reception was previously a benchmark expected in years 1 or in some cases even year 2. When I was at school, the reception or nursery year was exactly that, and you learned to read and write proper in year 1. That’s not the case now, so the ever increasing pressure put on schools to deliver on results is necessarily pushed onto the kids, some of whom are just not ready, and the majority of thOse not ready will be summer born.

The problem is with academic expectstiokns, and front loading education, and how this makes these tiny people feel about education. If your first year of school life is spent struggling to do even the smallest of tasks, your confidence and attitude to learning can be permanently damaged.

klondike555 · 02/10/2018 11:55

Or maybe being youngest and smallest could affect a child's confidence and self-esteem?

Anything could affect a child's confidence and/or self esteem, not just their birthday/school entry date.

My son and another boy share the same late in the school year birthday, and were always quite small for their year. It never affected their confidence or self esteem.

Thank god it's not the norm in other countries to send children to school at age four. It's absolutely ludicrous.

glintandglide · 02/10/2018 11:59

I think the people who keep guilt tripping over infertility are being unfair actually. FWIW I have a close friend who delayed IVF by a few months twice to avoid this. The IVF was happening anyway, so what’s the difference between delaying that to influence birth month and delaying TTC naturally to influence birth month?

It’s almost like the show stopper- how dare you have these conversations because INFERTILITY. It’s unreasonable

AssignedNorthernAtBirth · 02/10/2018 12:11

Well first of all if I were certain I wanted to try and have a Christmas term child, I wouldn't TTC at the end of the year. I know a few babies who had due dates in Septembers then were 37 weekers and came in August! So I'd hold fire until Jan or Feb.

As for the idea itself, the data on summer borns is fairly clear (I have an early July child myself who's fine but anecdote, data etc) so I can see why a parent would want to try and avoid it. As you're 31 and no fertility issues previously, delaying TTC for 3 months at this point isn't a particularly big risk. It's true you can't know if and when it'll happen but equally, there are lots of us out there who conceive on the first month of trying.

Sunnymeg · 02/10/2018 12:13

DS is a July baby. We had been trying to concieve for many years, when I finally fell pregnant and I was just happy to be finally expecting. He took his GCSEs this summer and had the second best set of results in his school. The top student was a June birthday, so not that old in his year either. If they are in a good school, they will learn and reach their academic level. I made sure that DS could do physical things like dress and undress himself before he started primary and he was fine

JustDanceAddict · 02/10/2018 12:15

DD is summer born - no issues academically but socially she would’ve done better to wait a year really.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 02/10/2018 12:20

It's almost like the show stopper- how dare you have these conversations because INFERTILITY. It’s unreasonable.

I don't see it that way. I see it as offering a bit of perspective, which many posters on here could clearly use.

glintandglide · 02/10/2018 12:22

And plenty of people already have that perspective. You’re being presumptuous