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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wait until the end of the year to TTC due to school year

187 replies

florapomandalexander · 01/10/2018 20:47

DC 1 will be 2 in December and we are thinking about timing for dc2 as we are both really keen to have another child. We had talked about starting to ttc soon as not sure how long it will take etc, the only thing putting me off is that if I got pregnant over the next couple of months the potential baby would be among the youngest in their school year and this could put them at a disadvantage? I just feel like just turned 4 is so young to start school and there is such a difference between some of the older and younger ones at that point.

DH thinks it is not that big of a deal and shouldn't be a factor in our decision, we have family members who are summer born and it has not held them back etc but it just worries me a little. But then again we would prefer to not have too big an age gap and no idea how long it will take.

What would you do and wibu to wait just so they were in a different school year?

Thank you

OP posts:
CountessVonBoobs · 02/10/2018 05:27

I guess I'm the selfishest of all selfish bints, but I just wanted a baby too much, and had seen other people struggle too long, to pass up any chance of a given month working out.

Fatted · 02/10/2018 05:36

I personally wouldn't want a September baby, purely because I wouldn't want to be heavily pregnant in the summer months!

As much as you try, you cannot really control any of this. I know of plenty children who were September babies who turned up early and ended up being summer babies anyway.

It took me 9 months TTC with eldest but only the first try with youngest but I still wouldn't wait if I was trying again. You don't know how long it takes or even when baby will arrive.

BrandiAlexander · 02/10/2018 05:52

Am I really reading this?!

Let's put it this way, let's imagine you didn't already have your first child and you'd been trying to get pregnant for years but every month, you don't. Then you find out you're infertile. You'll never have a child.

Would you care then, if by some miracle, you found yourself pregnant with what will be "a disadvantaged summer baby"? Would that be as awful as you're making out?

I just can't believe what I've read..... What?

glintandglide · 02/10/2018 06:45

I have to say though I was thinking about this the other day- if significant numbers of July/ August children get held back won’t the disadvantage just move to June/ May borns? Someone has to be the youngest.

Not that it would make any difference to my child, I would personally keep them back if possible (which would mean another years childcare although would be the same if they were September born anyway)

Blou of course you have a good go at controlling your babies birth month, by not trying for a baby in October/ November/ December. Of course that’s 3 months you’re not trying.

What you can’t control is how long it takes you to have the baby overall, if at all.

glintandglide · 02/10/2018 06:46

ALso I’ve just seen my October born nephew take the 11+ and in such a high competition situation, that makes a difference. Some exam boards do adjust slightly for age but many don’t.

Tigger85 · 02/10/2018 06:49

My son was born 31st August, he missed the cut off by one hour. I am very worried about him starting school a day or so after turning 4. You have the legal right to delay until compulsory school age and request a reception start but you can be denied the reception start and your child will go straight to year 1. My area (monmouthshire) state on their website that delayed summer borns will go straight to year 1 unless there is evidence of severe sen. I joined the flexible admissions for summer borns group on fb and it seems most are denied a reception start initially, some eventually having it granted after a huge, long lasting battle. If you do secure a reception place you then run the risk of your child being made to skip year 6 and going straight to secondary school, this is rare but it does happen. They are supposed to be bringing the summer born admissions up in parliament and hopefully changing it to allow reception starts and staying with the adopted cohort, but Brexit has delayed it and I don't think it will change in time for my son.

Blou2 · 02/10/2018 07:14

Brandy - yes, and secondary infertility is a thing too. Don’t count your chickens and all that....

user1471426142 · 02/10/2018 07:21

The downside of a September baby is an extra year of childcare to pay. I’ve got a summer baby and I periodically worry and did so a lot when I was pregnant but at 2 1/4 I’ve stopped worrying. She can easily hold her own with the kids a year older than her, has always been quite emotionally mature (shares nicely, takes turn and has empathy) and confident for her age seems to be exceptionally strong physically. I think for her she’ll be more than ready for school at 4.

I’ve got friends who are already thinking about deferring and I think that’ll be right for them as the children just seem younger. I think so much must depend on the individual child. I know a lot can change in the next 2 years but some of the differences seem to be personality based and emerged when the kids were babies. Mine has always been desperate to be independent and that seems to be the thing that drives her.

Oysterbabe · 02/10/2018 07:25

YANBU. We definitely had this issue in mind when ttc ours. We have 2 winter babies.

BlackberryandNettle · 02/10/2018 07:29

December is only two months away op (for TTC a September born) so I'd wait. Spend the two months drinking only max 3 days per week, plus vitamins and early nights and exercise. I'd say the biggest factor for me with TTC was cutting down drinking to only 2 or 3 nights.

AriadnePersephoneCloud · 02/10/2018 07:29

I have two summer babies and agree that they are at a disadvantage. I'd wait.

PiperPublickOccurrences · 02/10/2018 07:33

I firmly believe that summer borns are at a huge disadvantage in England/Wales as you don't have the deferral system we have in Scotland.

DD is an end of August child and the fact she'd have gone to school at just 4 was a factor in our move back north. Not the only factor, but definitely considered.

randomsabreuse · 02/10/2018 07:43

My just turned 3 year old is an August birthday. She's chronologically the youngest in pre school but is coping fine in preschool and has always been confident/ cocky in mixed age groups- she would not suit being the oldest in the year in the slightest!

ilooovechristmas · 02/10/2018 07:46

We are waiting till after Christmas for this exact reason, my DD was born early sept, so she will turn 5 her first week of school. I personally think it would break my heart watching my just turned 4 year old walk into school 5 days a week! So we decided to wait! I also want my daughter to be 3 though before the new baby arrives so it's not the only reason for waiting....

InTheNavy · 02/10/2018 07:49

YABU.
Utterly ludicrous. How sad for your potential child to not come up to your standard- before they even exist. What other factors will you consider unacceptable in them?

Zebraantelopegiraffe · 02/10/2018 07:54

As a midwife please don't have your baby september/October......there is enough of them already! Grin

TheLovelyOtherDinosaur · 02/10/2018 07:56

The people I know who were born in August have gone on to be very successful and respectable people. More so than other friends really. Think surgeon, accountant, pilot, Dentist etc.
I think it’s a load of rubbish. My very close friend (accountant) says that she can’t remember ever not liking school and the only thing she didn’t like was having a birthday in the summer holidays when everyone was away.
Just crack on if a dc2 is so desperately wanted.

glintandglide · 02/10/2018 07:58

Imagine how much more they might’ve achieved had they been September born though TheLovelyOtherDinosaur

PinkFlamingo888 · 02/10/2018 07:58

I think I have different priorities to other people. I always wanted summer babies so they could have outdoor birthday parties! I was winter born so was always jealous of my brothers’ bbq and paddling pool parties!

brookshelley · 02/10/2018 08:02

Utterly ludicrous. How sad for your potential child to not come up to your standard- before they even exist. What other factors will you consider unacceptable in them?

Or maybe being youngest and smallest could affect a child's confidence and self-esteem?

hormonalhorrorshow · 02/10/2018 08:06

I have 2 August born kids in close family and they're doing fine. On the other hand, one of their younger siblings is the oldest in the year, and therefore although the age gap is just over 2 years, they are 3 school years apart. Longer wait before they are both at secondary. So I feel in terms of maturity they are a bit further apart than the actual age difference might be. Just another way of looking at it 🙂
Also I'm sure others have said, you don't have a lot of control over when you conceive anyway (coming from someone with very contrary fertility). Life is what happens when you make other plans 😉

Angelil · 02/10/2018 08:55

@LyndaLaHughes' post is the best one here.

InTheNavy · 02/10/2018 09:05

Why would being the youngest and smallest affect their self esteem?
I was a summer baby. I have a summer born child of my own. Yes- he wasn't academic "top dog" when he started school- but he didn't know that so how could it affect his esteem?!?!?!!! And he soon matched his peers.He wasn't even the smallest- he comes from tall parents- not that being the smallest would be damaging any way!!!
Some children just aren't the cleverest / tallest/ most confident whatever time of year they are born- Autumn borns might have a temporary superficial developmental advantage but that's all it is. Some summer borns may lack the character to deal with not being the best in class - but that's their character/ personality/ upbringing. It's nothing to do with being summer born. Plenty do very well.

MumW · 02/10/2018 09:11

I did this with DC2 as I felt strongly that I didn't want to send a barely 4 year old to school.

Pickupthephone · 02/10/2018 09:20

It’s a fair point OP. I wouldn’t do it myself (and won’t - TTC now). There are just so many unknowns when having a baby that it just seems bizarre to me to try to control this one thing.

My parents thought they were expecting a lovely late September/early October baby. They got a placental abruption and a late July baby. I think they were just relieved that their late July baby survived rather than worrying about the school year.

On the plus side, having a July birthday is brilliant. Always sunny, often on holiday for your birthday, BBQ or beach birthday parties...