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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would bail your kids out financially

154 replies

harrietthehare · 01/10/2018 19:46

My adult step son has mounting debts and struggling to pay them off. He does work but not in a very well paid job.

His debt is all of his own fault i.e living above his means, He does not live with us but is now being threatened with debt collectors.

He is very upset and crying all the time and has sunk into a depression. He has taken some time off work and we are worried he will end up losing his job altogether.

Should his dad (my DH) and I bail him out? He would need about £7k to clear his debt. We have money in our savings account and can afford it.

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 01/10/2018 19:48

Absolutely I would. When my dc are grown up I will help them all I can, I won’t ever see them struggle if I can help!

catpooproblems · 01/10/2018 19:48

I’m maybe a bit mean but I would pay the debt off and make some repay me a manageable monthly amount.

I always think if you’re bailed out at the drop of a hat then you’re not really learning any lessons

PurpleMac · 01/10/2018 19:49

It's a tough one - perhaps offer to pay on the condition he seeks advice on how to stop his habit?

Or pay half? £3.5k worth of debt for an adult isn't going to be entirely worth stressing over if he works full time.

catpooproblems · 01/10/2018 19:49

Btw I would help my kids out with things like deposits for houses or if they really needed something but repaying debt is a bugbear because I don’t live beyond my means and I’m clear with my kids about enjoying themselves within the realms of what they can afford

AbsentmindedWoman · 01/10/2018 19:49

What age is he?

Is he on min wage for 20 year olds or similar?

Is he trying to live independently?

When you say 'living beyond his means' is it realistic that he can pay rent and bills and buy groceries on his wage - is he putting basic living expenses on credit cards?

Or is the debt a result of too much spending on luxuries?

I think more information is needed.

MamaHechtick · 01/10/2018 19:50

I'd pay the debt off but as a previous poster said then arrange for him to make an affordable payment back to you.
That way it keeps him from getting into serious problems and hopefully he learns from it.

Aprilislonggone · 01/10/2018 19:50

My ds has similar debts. Way beyond my help - he got a scheme that included all of the debt and he pays one amount a month. I have paid off a few small utility bills and do some food shopping now amd again but not much. In ds's case he would get into debt again if I bailed him out. Managing his own payments reminds him to work hard and get it paid.
Imo you shouldn't pay.

Softkitty2 · 01/10/2018 19:50

I think you need to help him contact the debt management service offered by the government and set up a payment plan. This will often stop interests etc accumulating.

Or contact each debt and explain the situation.

If you bail him out he will think the same for next time.

MissusGeneHunt · 01/10/2018 19:50

Yes, because my mum did this for me and I would hate to see my DS go through it. BUT - I would do what @catpooproblems says - get a scheme between you, for him to pay you back, in manageable amounts. He'll thank you for it in the future, believe me.

Good luck OP, tricky old situation. Flowers

covetingthepreciousthings · 01/10/2018 19:50

Speaking as someone who was bailed out by family in a similar (though not to the point of debt collectors) position, I'd like to say that once I was bailed out I managed to keep out of debt ever since (now around 10 years). No credit cards, over draft or loans.

If I could afford to, I would bail out a DC in similar position.

MatildaTheCat · 01/10/2018 19:51

I would help but with a formal plan to repay at least half the money and a clear message that this was a one off.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 01/10/2018 19:51

Yes. I wouldn't throw money at them willy-nilly but if it was affecting their emotional and mental health, then I'd absolutely bail them out on the condition that it was an absolute one-off. I'd also make it a condition of the bail-out that they seek some kind of support (either from us or elsewhere) to learn how to manage finances properly.

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 01/10/2018 19:53

Pay it off. He will be throwing money down the drain with interest and late fees. So pay it off. Get him complete clear of debt (and make sure he doesn't hide anything).

Then have him pay you back at affordable monthly payments. And, if you don't mind being so involved, all sit down and teach him to budget. Make him understand that you will not bail him out again.

Spudlet · 01/10/2018 19:54

Hmmm, my parents bailed me out, but to a much smaller degree, and mine wasn't so self-inflicted (it was someone else's error exacerbated by my own scatterbrainedness). I would bail ds out, but he would need to pay us back, at a manageable rate, and he would need to learn from the experience. I did.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/10/2018 19:54

Is this the first time it’s happened?

I ask because my DM has got into the habit of bailing my DB out and it never helps as there’s always a next time. I used to help him with things here and there, there was always some sort of drama or emergency. He didn’t care about my financial situatuon and got into the habit of relying on the bail outs. I had to stop and the reaction was awful, tears, shouting, “what am I going to do NOW?!”

He’s more settled and responsible now than he was but my mum is still digging him out of holes even though he and SIL both work ft. No amount is ever enough and the sob stories are so exhausting.

Leeds2 · 01/10/2018 19:54

I would, probably, but I would expect them to have at least agreed a repayment schedule before handing the money over. I would also give the money to whoever it was owed direct, and not to my DC. Would also expect DC to get another job to increase their income - eg a bar job a couple of nights a week, both to increase their income but make them realise that their actions have consequences.
I have a friend who has just done this for her son, who had run up huge gambling debts. She is in her sixties, and he has cleared her savings. He hasn't once said thank you, or made any attempt to pay her back, not even the occasional £10, She rather wishes she hadn't bothered,

Popc0rn · 01/10/2018 19:55

No. Not if the reason they've got into debt is because they've been living beyond their means. My parents have bailed one of my siblings out for this reason...for the last 10+ years. It has caused friction with my other siblings, as they see it as unfair that one sibling gets so much.

Sit down with him, work out what all his debts are and it he can move it to a 0% interest credit card or something. Offer to pay all or part of it if you want, but on the condition that he pays you back, because otherwise you might find yourself in the same position as my parents (who are too nice for their own good!!).

Perfectly1mperfect · 01/10/2018 19:55

As you have said that you can afford it, then I think you should help him. I would do it on the condition that he goes through all his finances so that you can advise him how to not let this happen again. He needs to be willing to change as obviously he can't keep living above his means.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2018 19:56

So very often our good intentions of "helping", (especially when it comes to money, and especially when the money problems are the result of shit decisions and irresponsible spending), it completely backfires.

The only message the financially irresponsible person gets is that no matter how badly they mess up, somebody ELSE will come along and deal with it.

Your step son needs a reality check and a kick up his arse to grow up and face the consequences HE created.

Perfectly1mperfect · 01/10/2018 19:56

That was meant to say, I would do it on the condition that he goes through all his finances with you....

Wonkydonkey44 · 01/10/2018 19:57

Pay it off , I’m experiencing financial difficulties at the moment and my parents have been amazing and given me money to keep me going until it resolves .
As my dad said we are your parents we want to help you. I am truly grateful to them . Please help him if u can .

TheBeastInMsRooneysRoom · 01/10/2018 19:58

Pay it off and sort out financial counselling moving forward. Don't try and be in charge of his money in return for clearing the debt, just make sure he knows how to avoid it in future. CAP is run by lots of churches as a completely free financial counselling service. Private, confidential and empowering. A family member suffering with what sounds like quite severe depression (he's stopped attending work!) over a circumstance that's fixable is a no-brainer to me. It's not time for tough love. Also, if debt collectors are involved I'd suspect he's getting shafted on interest rates and late fees. Make sure you know the WHOLE figure and wipe the slate clean, if it's possible for you to do so.

sunshinemantra · 01/10/2018 19:58

Yes, if it is affordable then yes I definitely would.

Glumglowworm · 01/10/2018 19:59

I think it would be more use to him to help him get in touch with a debt management charity and get a debt management plan in place. They usually get interest and charges frozen, help him come up with a budget, and agree affordable repayments with the creditors.

I’m my 20s I made stupid choices, lived way beyond my means and took out pay day loans and credit cards to pay for it. Getting a debt management plan is the best thing I ever did and I’ve now paid off all my debts.

CherryPavlova · 01/10/2018 19:59

Yes we would, if necessary but on proviso we were allowed to help set a revised budget for them.

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