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Original poster

To ask if you would bail your kids out financially

154 replies

harrietthehare · 01/10/2018 19:46

My adult step son has mounting debts and struggling to pay them off. He does work but not in a very well paid job.

His debt is all of his own fault i.e living above his means, He does not live with us but is now being threatened with debt collectors.

He is very upset and crying all the time and has sunk into a depression. He has taken some time off work and we are worried he will end up losing his job altogether.

Should his dad (my DH) and I bail him out? He would need about £7k to clear his debt. We have money in our savings account and can afford it.

OP posts:
Ignoramusgiganticus · 02/10/2018 06:30

7k isn't a huge amount over the last 10 years and given the recent upsetting events in his life and his depression, I'd help one more time on the proviso you set up a repayment plan.
It's too great a risk not to.

ivykaty44 · 02/10/2018 06:34

Seville I doubt that the money he earns is more than a pocket money amount, the ski season is badly paid and king hours not sure about the summer season

Op are the debts in credit cards? Is it interest on top? Can you get him to cut credit cards up? Etc ask him how he is going to prevent it reoccurring?

Mickeysminnie2 · 02/10/2018 07:57

So you have previously bailed him out, then he went bankrupt and now he is in debt again? All by the age of 32? I think you would be a fool to bail him out. I would offer for him to move home for 6 months where you will pay for room and board and he can get a job and channel all his money into clearing his debt.

Fairylea · 02/10/2018 08:03

There is no way I’d pay this off. I’d help him in terms of emotional support and help to find out the best way to tackle this (set up appointments with debt agencies etc) and I might even help with making sure he has meals / heating etc BUT I wouldn’t pay off the debt. Otherwise he’s just going to get into debt again because he won’t learn from it.

I was the son (albeit a female!) in this situation and it’s taken me till 38 and having no one to bail me out to actually start worrying about how I’m going to pay my debt back.

DeadCertain · 02/10/2018 08:13

I'd offer it as an interest free loan with monthly payments to be made rather than just bailing out without consequence for your son.

I'd also make it clear that it is the only time that this will happen and would ensure that he comes up with a solid plan to avoid ever getting into this mess again that he can show you.

AgentJohnson · 02/10/2018 08:31

No. Support him in setting up and managing a repayment plan but a 32 years old, haring been previously bailed out and declared bankrupt he is banking on you being financially responsible for his fecklessness.

If you want him to act him like an adult then expect him to act like one, responsibility is the price of independence.

DaphneduM · 02/10/2018 08:39

I would definitely pay off this debt for him. Yes, of course it's disappointing for you that he isn't more responsible with money. Of particular concern is the bankruptcy - such a cop out and an abrogation of his financial responsibilities. But, he is in this situation now and has come to you for help. I would make it clear that this is the very last time you will be stepping in. Personally, I would make it a gift, if you expect him to pay it back and he defaults, it will just be extending the agony for you. Been through this with my child, bailed out due to excessive parking fines and also gifts of money. It was just a phase and now grown up (nearly 30) and financially prudent. At 32 your son needs to have the facts gently pointed out to him. Giving him the money gives you the right to do this.

WhoLetTheCatsOut · 02/10/2018 08:41

I would definitely help out.

This will have been a very hard lesson in budgeting but also if you or his dad sits down with him and looks at his incoming and outgoings you might find building up the debt was almost unavoidable anyway. You could also see if he has any career progression or any courses he might like to do that could assist in a better paid job?

PartAnd · 02/10/2018 08:58

Do you have other children? If it's just him then I think it makes it easier.

Original poster
harrietthehare · 02/10/2018 09:11

Yes I have 2 other children - neither DH nor me brought him up- he was an unplanned pregnancy when his parents were teenagers themselves. His mother had mental health problems and he doesn’t get on with her. He was brought up by living between his 2 sets of grandparents and my DH who contributed massively financially- so just mentioning it’s absolutely nothing to do with me how he was brought up as a PP implied.

He’s just someone who is and I feel always will be crap with money- it’s not difficult to budget - I think anyone can learn that skill, but I do feel he will never grow up.

He’s a lovely person but can’t seem to think ahead and plan. I’m not sure that’s a skill you can learn? He has no idea about the future and doesn’t seem interested in settling down or having a family - which of course is fine, that’s his choice.

Despite this ‘crapness’ with money - it’s just horrible to see him suffer like this. I don’t think though he will ever change- some people don’t do they?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 02/10/2018 09:14

with your update it sounds like hes been let down his whole life and youre still surprised he didnt turn into a well rounded efficient capable adult by magic? His mother had MH problems. Whats your husbands excuse?

mummyhaschangedhername · 02/10/2018 09:24

I was going to say yes, help him, because it sounds like he is losing it and you are in a position to help without hurting yourselves.

Then the update and it sounds like he has had an extremely poor start to life, people develop poor coping strategies. I would definitely not hesitate to help him.

I would look at way to monitor him, make agreements you feel comfortable with. Ask to see all his finances, close down accounts that you clear etc ... but I would help if it were me.

AbsentmindedWoman · 02/10/2018 09:25

Ah, your recent post explains a lot.

He's probably still emotionally about 17. He's not had a solid foundation to grow into adulthood. That's not his fault. However, in order to have a future he needs to start his own plan to develop adult skills. It's shit and unfair that he has to do this basically himself, but he needs to, when he's ready - hopefully he's ready now. But that will depend on the severity of his mental health issues.

Don't write him off as "he will never change" he CAN, but it will be a tough learning curve and he will need lots of support - emotional, financial or a mix of both.

RedDwarves · 02/10/2018 09:31

No. I wouldn't.

I have seen this go wrong too many times in my family. My grandmother bailed her two daughters out several times, because they would never learn when their debt was never their own responsibility. Even now, my grandmother gets debt collector letters relating to my aunts - and she has been no contact with them for over a decade.

Aside from that, I would expect that they would repay me - obviously smaller amounts and without interest - but there is no guarantee that they would do that, especially if they've not been able to make a dent in their own debt reliably. I would at least expect to see a pattern of repaying their debt before I'd consider lending them money to clear it.

So, no.

irunlikeahipoo · 02/10/2018 09:37

My sons car broke last year . It was on finance so not fixing it wasn’t an option
It’s was over 3 k
I put it on my credit card. Got son to pay £75 a week until it was paid
When he paid £2000 I let him off the rest and I paid it
He has kept up with the £75 a week direct debit into my account which I save for him
He lives at home though so minimal bills

Original poster
harrietthehare · 02/10/2018 10:01

Branleuse - my husband doesn’t need an excuse - he did the best he could which is a lot more than can be said for his mother

OP posts:
twiglet · 02/10/2018 12:20

OP budgeting and planning ahead is most definitely a skill anyone can learn at any age with the right support. I used to teach budget management to people majority of which once learnt didn't go back to previous ways. It needs patience and for them to want to and the right tools to do so.
To say he can't change is giving up on him without giving him the opportunity to.

Stompythedinosaur · 02/10/2018 12:52

I would bail them out if I could.

I might not if it happened repeatedly.

Branleuse · 02/10/2018 13:55

well the best he could was also abandoning his child to live with his grandparents, so thats a pretty low bar.
and now you judge his son for being financially irresponsible. I think hes lucky his son has anything to do with him at all

Laureline · 02/10/2018 14:03

Could you get him interested in the Dave Ramsey plan as a condition of helping him out?
It’s very American, but quite engaging (I like to listen to the podcast even though I’ve never been in debt).

Beaverhausen · 02/10/2018 14:22

My parents never helped me out with money, my dad always said I took care of you till you were 21, provided you with the tools you need to live and adult life. If you mess it up or get yourself in debt then you get yourself out of debt. My parents were always there with advice but would not help us out financially and it is right.

OP you know the answer to your question, if you fall for it again this time in another 10 years you will be bailing him out again. Like you said he is a 32 year old man this is not the first time and if you do not put your foot down now he will never grow up.

amicissimma · 02/10/2018 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lovetherisingsun · 02/10/2018 14:59

Let him go bankrupt. How else is he going to learn, except from starting all over again? My mum was the same - couldn't budget, refused to budget, spent everything and anything she got on wine and crap from catalogues. We ended up being hounded by debt collectors for several years, having to cower behind a sofa at 14 isn't fun. She still can't budget perfectly, but going bankrupt certainly gave her the kick up the ass she needed to start bloody well learning how to manage her money. Plus we had to sleep on various friends sofas for a few years, which she doesn't want to go back to.

Or, if you can't be that harsh, maybe offer to pay half on the proviso he either gets counselling, some sort of help, or SOMEONE sits down with him to go through his finances and help him learn to budget.

crapface · 02/10/2018 15:06

Personally, I wouldn't. Help him a little perhaps but I wouldn't pay it off.
Step Change are a wonderful charity that will take everything into account and arrange repayments with his creditors and he makes one monthly payment to them and they forward the payments on. They will do an income and expenditure with him so it will be affordable for him.
I am going through step change currently to pay off 20k my ex left me with. They are fantastic and I couldn't recommend them enough.

My opinion is that he got himself into it so he should work to get himself out of it. He'll never learn if you guys step up and pay it all off for him.
It's lovely that you want to help him, but in the long run, he needs to learn from it.
Good luck x

overagain · 02/10/2018 15:25

No, but I have debt management training and know that it is a very rare occasion when debts being magically cleared solves the issue.

I would look at budgeting with him, setting up agreements with his creditors and possibly some arrangement where by I match his payments.