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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if you would bail your kids out financially

154 replies

harrietthehare · 01/10/2018 19:46

My adult step son has mounting debts and struggling to pay them off. He does work but not in a very well paid job.

His debt is all of his own fault i.e living above his means, He does not live with us but is now being threatened with debt collectors.

He is very upset and crying all the time and has sunk into a depression. He has taken some time off work and we are worried he will end up losing his job altogether.

Should his dad (my DH) and I bail him out? He would need about £7k to clear his debt. We have money in our savings account and can afford it.

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 01/10/2018 23:14

I would help him to help himself by getting him bring you all the documents he has, write it all down and then add it all up. Then I would point him in the direction of a debt charity like Stepchange. They will work out a budget for him and what he can afford to pay back. I suspect his debt is worse than he thinks. He needs to face up to it and take control. You can guide him. He needs to know nothing bad will happen - nobody goes to debtors prison anymore.

MinaPaws · 01/10/2018 23:19

Yes. I'd help them sort out a plan to get out of debt asap and stay out.

I'd let them live at home, expect them to work two jobs or long shifts with over time, and to study money management. But I'd pay off the debt collectors first and then expect them to pay me back and save some regularly. And look for all sorts of ways to enjoy life without overspending.

I got out of debt in my twenties by working two jobs until the debt was cleared and it's one of the things I feel proudest of. My parents didn't help, so I had to grow up and sort myself out. I would help DC but definitely expect them to work as hard as I did then to pay the money back. But life is way more expensive these days. Are you sure his debts aren't just caused by crazy rental costs and bills, if his wage is quite low?

HouseworkIsASin10 · 01/10/2018 23:20

But how will he change? He will have exactly the same lifestyle, like being on a permanent holiday.
How will he suddenly become responsible? It will never happen.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 01/10/2018 23:27

I would bail my DC out because they are hard working and responsible. I always say I'd meet them half way any day of the week. But not if they take the piss and don't put any effort in.
In your case, DS lifestyle is not sustainable with the job he is in. Long term a decision will have to be made.

LolaPickle · 01/10/2018 23:29

Maybe he is incapable of change

Maybe it is a result of a mental health condition, and the situation will not go away as mental health conditions can be LIFE LONG

Maybe he is a vulnerable adult (my opinion)

OR

Maybe he is just an asshole

People often mistake ''mental health conditions' for 'being an asshole' = it is easier to write someone off - than put the foot work in to try and help / understand

Poshjock · 01/10/2018 23:30

Your update is interesting as I was wondering if depression was at the back of his problem.

We bailed out stepDD when she overspend during a new house purchase, on the proviso she paid back - she did and has learned from it. All good.

We also helped out a good friend who got into debt during a deep depression episode. He was in his 50s. He absolutely deserved the help. He also went into a debt management plan which gave him the tools to recover both financially and eventually, mentally. I did fear for his safety at one point and we only helped enough to keep the wolf from the door - he needed to help himself.

OP your Stepson managed well for 10 years, recent events appear to have caused a severe mental load and perhaps depression? which does put a different light on his debt. It may not just be down to negligence.

WWID? Absolutely help him - not a full bail out, but some practical and financial assistance and also professional help to realign his debts and give him the tools to sort out his own financials which will, in turn, help with his mental state. Sounds like he needs support right now.

JaceLancs · 01/10/2018 23:31

Yes but with help to budget and stop it happening again
I would also expect a repayment plan

Jasmineforever · 01/10/2018 23:37

I would help if you can afford it but draw up a formal repayment plan with him. If you think there's even the slightest chance that he may do something to hurt himself then £7k is worth it to save his life. I think you'd regret it forever if anything happened. It would irritate the mice out of me to have to bail him out but I would do, even with the risk of a repeat in the future.

MissHavershamssis · 01/10/2018 23:37

I absolutely would help out - thankfully my son is the opposite of me being careful with money and has a few thousands in savings (he's 25)

I would give my last to him - for all the sanctimonious posts on here I'd much rather have my close knit family who pull together no matter what - I was that irresponsible daughter who didn't realise the importance of money and just bought what I wanted on credit - thankfully my parents did pay it off otherwise I really would have been up the creek - I was very, very young and held no value to money, just spent on make up, hair, etc.

Jasmineforever · 01/10/2018 23:38

Not sure what mice have to do with it!!🙄😂 "Irritate the life" that should read!

Beezly · 01/10/2018 23:38

Hell yeah! If it was the other way round my child would bail me out and clear my debts in a heartbeat.

JulietteGrimm · 01/10/2018 23:40

From your updates it sounds like the debt is a symptom of depression rather than the cause of it. So I'd pay it off as an interest free loan on the proviso that he gets help for his depression.

GabsAlot · 01/10/2018 23:48

maybe pay it but he has to pay u back monthly amounts via standing order and get him tro sign something to say hes going to do this

theoldtrout01876 · 01/10/2018 23:52

I am in the middle of doing this. My adult son has MH issues, couldnt get help as he wasnt sick enough. He got in trouble with the law and had a breakdown. He was then sick enough for treatment. I have been paying all his court fees and fines. I have been paying all his out of pocket medical expenses. I have been paying all his Uber costs to get to work as he lost his license.

He lives alone and has a decent job. He has continued to pay all his normal bills but could not afford all the rest. He was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Since he started getting treatment and admitting how bad things have been its come to light he has run up large debts on his credit card. He has taken a second job to try and clear them.

There is no way I would not have helped him, he was a mess. Adult or not he needed help to clear the mess he made when he wasnt well.
Now he is much better he realizes the mess he was in and is taking what steps he can to fix them.

He would be in jail if I hadnt agreed to pay his court costs and fines. He would have lost his job if I didnt say Id pay his Uber. Then he would have lost his apartment. The state he was in at the time I reckon he would be dead now.

buttontin · 01/10/2018 23:55

My mother bailed out my sister every time. MIL bailed out SIL. Both are back in debt and as my mother died and MIL lost her job, they are in real trouble. They never learned how to stop spending and start saving. They didn’t need to, easy come easy go. When SIL had her house repossessed she just moved back in with MIL, she didn’t care.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 01/10/2018 23:57

Yes with the condition that he learns how to manage his money. Either through a formal course or through learning himself. He needs to understand he can never allow himself to get in this state again.

LadyCassandra · 02/10/2018 00:19

I would in a heartbeat.
People saying he hasn’t learned, it’s 2 instances in 12 years. One when a student. If you have it and can afford it and you know he is struggling with depression then do it. You can tell him it’s the last time.

DelilahandDaisy · 02/10/2018 00:21

Without a shadow of a doubt. I think it is harder for our kids than for us, so I would not hesitate.

Rebecca36 · 02/10/2018 00:51

Yes I would. You can't take it with you and as long as you still have money left, there's no reason not.

Young adults (& some older ones!) often get themselves into a financial tangle, living beyond their means, mismanagement etc. However they generally outgrow that.

If you and your husband do give your stepson the money it has to be a gift, never mentioned again & don't tell anyone else. What you both could do at the time of giving is talk to him seriously about his spending and how he got into the mess, try and help him to manage and tell him the gift will be a one off because you can't afford to bail him out again. Then end of.

You sound really nice. I've known parents who wouldn't lend their child £20 until she got paid and she was a single mother, needing just a little help in order to buy food! I can't understand that attitude. Different if they hadn't got it but they were comfortably off. I've often seen great generosity from people who don't have much and it's heart warming.

Uncreative · 02/10/2018 00:57

My husband and I have been bailing out my step daughter. She is in a very difficult position but doesn’t seem to want to help herself. It has got to the stage that our help to her is pissing off the other children who do manage to look after themselves. We estimate she is overspending by about 1000 a month based on what we have given her and her mother has given her. I’m not willing to support her any more and my husband is one more money request away from agreeing with me.

The reason we have supported her this far is that we recognise that she is in a really tough position (divorce) and we worry about her kids. I am certain she is suffering from depression. However, she is still going out for cocktails with her girlfriends and buying lots of clothes for herself and the children. She even bought a pedigree dog a few months ago. And yet she can’t afford to pay her electricity bill and mortgage. When we pay it for her, we are essentially subsiding her luxuries. We can’t do it indefinitely so in the next few months she is going to have to crash and burn. We’ll be there to pick up the pieces but it will be really tough for her (and unfortunately her kids). And it will also have an impact on her mental health, I am sure. But I don’t see any other way to stop it.

Stupomax · 02/10/2018 01:16

Don't think it's a viable option to change jobs - all his qualifications are to do with his current job and he actually really enjoys his job.

I have a good friend who was an outdoor activities instructor till she was about 32, then she realised she didn't want to be broke and living in work accommodation for the rest of her life, so she retrained for an NHS job and is quite a bit better off.

What's your stepson's long term plan for earning enough money to do things like live in a property of his own, and maybe even have a family?

Maybe he could retrain to do something else like teaching, police force, adult training...? Just throwing some ideas out there. Although you say he has some very specific qualifications, his skills like teaching, managing groups, motivating people will be transferable.

ohtheholidays · 02/10/2018 01:30

Yes I would,so far I've bailed out my 2 grown up sons,my parents in the past,my big brother and SIL and my Bestfriend.

Only one of them ever paid me back and that was my bestfriend but I was fine with that.

I think in your DSS case being as you've bailed him out in the past I'd make a proper arrangement with him,he pays you back so much every week or month without fail(which ever is easier for him)and he starts saving money and facing upto the mistakes he's made with money in the past and gets help with that.

bowdownbeforelokitty · 02/10/2018 03:03

I feel for you because you've basically raised an ageing teen living beyond his means in a seasonal/transient employment with a history of bankruptcy and prior bailouts. I've no doubt you will bankroll him this time and most likely in the future, but what happens to him when your no longer around?

Penners99 · 02/10/2018 03:07

Never

BarbaraofSevillle · 02/10/2018 03:53

How much is his 'small salary'? If his job includes food, accommodation and pay as well he should have savings not debts.

I know someone in a similar job and she's building up thousands in savings, so if she does the job for a few years she will end up with a great house deposit when she wants to settle down.

Obviously there are mental health issues here but it's hard to say whether he is genuinely ill or if he is just a spoilt man child. Agree that plain bailing him out is likely to be just throwing money into a black hole.

The MoneySavingExpert.com guide to mental health and debt might be useful for you and him. There's a link on this page

www.moneysavingexpert.com/debt-help/