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Original poster

To ask if you would bail your kids out financially

154 replies

harrietthehare · 01/10/2018 19:46

My adult step son has mounting debts and struggling to pay them off. He does work but not in a very well paid job.

His debt is all of his own fault i.e living above his means, He does not live with us but is now being threatened with debt collectors.

He is very upset and crying all the time and has sunk into a depression. He has taken some time off work and we are worried he will end up losing his job altogether.

Should his dad (my DH) and I bail him out? He would need about £7k to clear his debt. We have money in our savings account and can afford it.

OP posts:
PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 01/10/2018 20:33

Sorry, but 32 year olds should not be getting bailed out by their folks because they see impressing the ladies and looking flash as more important then staying in the black. I initially had more sympathy with him when I assumed he was 19 or so.

QuimNiceButDim · 01/10/2018 20:33

It’s a tough one but, in these circumstance, I would. If he’s depressed, I hate to think of him doing something stupid for the sake of £7k that you have afford to give.

I know you can’t have someone holding that over you but, if it was me, I’d bail him out.

MrsStrowman · 01/10/2018 20:34

Just saw you've already bailed him out once, he needs to stand on his own two feet this time and stop living it up when he's working abroad. Might be time for him to consider changing jobs/lifestyle.

Japonicaisstillahorsygirl · 01/10/2018 20:34

I would suggest debt management support otherwise if you bail him out it seems likely to happen again

genivert · 01/10/2018 20:34

with the extra information, i've changed my answer - absolutely not, nothing indicates that he's going to change.

it would be kinder and more practical, helpful in the longer term of offer unlimited support and zero money.

as in, you'll help him get an appointment at CAB... support him on a StepChange call... drive him to a DMP meeting... let him use your computer and printing and wifi to write out debt arrangement letters to creditors..and so on.

but NO CASH. just love and support and a kind ear to help him get out of this mess.

MattBerrysHair · 01/10/2018 20:35

I would probably work with him on a plan to pay off, maybe with CAB advice. This would include selling any assets that would help, reviewing outgoings reducing to basics (phone contracts, TV packages) etc. Then loan enough to keep the wolves from the door and make sure he keeps to the plan.

I would not pay it all off as it would just be a clean sheet for him to build up again, he'd need to learn from it.

This ^^

I wouldn't pay it off, especially in light of your update. He needs to learn how to manage his money like an adult and bailing him out is no incentive.

AngelSlides · 01/10/2018 20:35

I’m sure he’s learnt his lesson. Please, be the parent that helps, I wish my dad would help me with mine. I’ve been struggling to pay it off for 12 years. He could have cleared it easily but hasn’t for whatever reason. Which is fine obviously, it’s his money. But, it hurts and I am very low due to continual financial struggles

Allthewaves · 01/10/2018 20:36

No don't clear his debts. Do sit him down and work out a plan. Contact all his debtors and work out debt management plan. He needs to wake up and manage his life. I would help by buying food, help g with rent etc

Allthewaves · 01/10/2018 20:37

A friend cycled like this and his parents bailed him out every time. It only stopped when he moved in with his gf and she stopped him taking his parents money and made him sort himself out.

Zerrin13 · 01/10/2018 20:42

OP if you can afford it and want to do it that is entirely your call but he knows if he spends money he hasn't got you will foot the bill. He is 32 not 18! He has been bankrupt so he didn't honour his debts that time and you say you have given him money before when he couldn't understand that he spent more money than he earned.
Why ask what we would do? What does it matter? You have obviously powered his bum for him his entire life. Asking your parents to pay your debts at 32 is ridiculous and shameful. Maybe you should tell him to get a better job.

BadderWolf · 01/10/2018 20:44

Deliberately haven't read any posts after the first one...

I'd loan (not give) the money required on receipt and commitment to a payment plan (and overall budget to show how this will be achieved). I'd charge nominal or zero interest and expect them to be grateful.

He's got to learn he can't live beyond his means. I see parental role (if affordable) as a safety net, not to absolve kids from life's responsibilities.

If you hadn't said the debt was his fault then I'd have paid it.

Hushnownobodycares · 01/10/2018 20:44

If bankruptcy hasn't drummed the lesson home yet another bailout isn't going to. IME bailouts rarely end well anyway. They just give a clean slate for the debtor to continue on their merry way.

He's an adult. Time for him to step up to the plate and sort out his own mess. My advice would be to point him in the direction of Stepchange, Payplan and/or CAB and step back.

FullOfJellyBeans · 01/10/2018 20:46

I would yes (unless my child was under the influence of an addiction etc.) They could then pay me back but without the extortionate interest rates.

Bumbumtaloo · 01/10/2018 20:50

My initial response was going to be yes, of course I would. But unfortunately your update changes that for me, although it would be incredibly difficult to not help.

We got into some serious debt, we were both working - DH full time and me working 12hr night shifts on Friday and Saturday nights (occasionally a Sunday if it went into a bank holiday) because of childcare. I then became ill and because I would push myself to go to work, I either fainted or was sick through pain on numerous occasions in the end I accepted I couldn’t work and went onto long term sick. SSP was a huge drop in wage for me and eventually it stopped altogether. DH then had to give up work to be my carer, I was to ill and unsafe to be left with the children on my own. Eventually we managed to get benefits in place and the pressure started to ease but before that we exhausted money in every way we could and at points were so skint we had to use the food bank.

My mum lent us the money to clear all of our debt and honesty I will be eternally grateful to her. We have paid the majority of the money back - she said that she didn’t want anymore payments so I have put that into a savings account and will hopefully find a way to give her the rest back. We do have one credit card with a £500 limit, we never use it it is purely for absolute emergencies.

twiglet · 01/10/2018 20:53

Yes I can also understand not wanting to bail him out as said mine is from personal sad experiences. But there maybe a middle point as others have suggested.
Support in facing up to it and managing it with the companies/debt management support but a token amount to get the debt collectors off.

That way it puts him back in control in a managed way so that he won't feel like everything is spiralling and help his mental health but your not bailing him out of everything.

Original poster
harrietthehare · 01/10/2018 20:53

Yes I agree that he should have learnt from the last time, He did sort his act out for several years and was quite sensible.

I think he went off the rails a bit recently his step brother (from his mums side took an over dose) his uncle has been in re-hab, his grand dad (mums dad) has dementia and not in a good way. He's been 'drowning his sorrows' on nights out and 'comfort spending'. (retail therapy)

I just feel really shit saying no, but I think we will have to.

Don't think it's a viable option to change jobs - all his qualifications are to do with his current job and he actually really enjoys his job.

OP posts:
Sparrowlegs248 · 01/10/2018 20:58

I would pay off some of his debt and help.him to make an arrangement for the rest, that is affordable. It would ease the pressure and still leave the responsibility with him. You could even, if you wanted, offer him incentive to stick to his payment plan. Say if he agrees to pay £100 a month off the remaining 4.5k, once he's paid £1000 off you'll pay another £500 or something. And make it very clear that it's the last time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/10/2018 21:01

Aquamarine1029 is very sensible here, as so often.

I agree that if bankruptcy didn’t sort him out then you really would be throwing good money after bad to do it again. He has a job. He’s taking the piss by spending beyond his means then crying to mum and dad to bail him out at 32 FFS!

This won’t be the end of it OP. He’s keeping you as his back stop and to do this again he’s really abusing what he thinks of as your weak position.

He clearly hasn’t angel. He’s buying things he doesn’t need with money he doesn’t have. By making him responsible for his actions OP is being a parent. This is an able bodied employed man in his thirties who has been very stupid, again, and his parents won’t help long term by throwing cash at the problem.

PipeTheFuckDown · 01/10/2018 21:10

My Grandparents bailed me out 13 years ago. I was incredibly mentally ill - undiagnosed bipolar. In and out of hospital. Wasn’t paying my bills, was either manic and out on the piss all the time or depressed and not moving out of bed for weeks at a time. It was the worst time of my life. It was about 6K. They’ve never allowed me to pay them back. I repay them by taking my meds, going to therapy and keeping myself healthy.

For a long time we all thought I’d never live a remotely normal life. I spent years in recovery. But as it stands now, I’ve just started a Biology degree as a single parent with 3 D.C. in tow.

I have no debts, I refused a student overdraft and credit card and have only taken standard SF loans.

However they would never have bailed me out if I was just being a dick.

ruthieness · 01/10/2018 21:12

Personally I would bail him out and it would be a gift not a loan, because if you make a loan then you become the problem in his life and not someone for him to turn to. If it is to be a gift then hopefully the joy of giving will be the full reward.

He may have a problem with self esteem if he feels the need to buy stuff to impress - is there any way to help with this?

What about any other children - can you afford to give them the same amount? they may not "need" it but that would be fair and it would make him realise that he is paying a price for his spending.

Biologifemini · 01/10/2018 21:12

I’d pay off 90% of the debt so he does have to manage something himself. And then help a little with groceries etc until he gets back on his feet.

Stupomax · 01/10/2018 21:22

He works as an outdoor activities instructor - it's difficult to sit down with him and work out payment plans as he lives a long way from us (when he is in the uk) - most of the year he is in different countries - either working at ski resorts or somewhere hot where he works on beaches with other various outdoor activities including sailing instructor.

What a lovely job - I think we'd all like to do that but we can't afford to.

Lynne1Cat · 01/10/2018 21:46

Yes, I've done so before with my son. He, too, works, had debt, has depression, lives apart from his children. Husband had inheritance, so we gave our son £3k to get sorted out. We pay when we go out for meal, have paid some household bills, etc., too.

He is now sorted, mental health fine too.

brokenharbour · 01/10/2018 21:51

Hmm update does change things. He other issue is if you pay his debts off it makes his credit rating look a lot better and lenders will be dying to lend to him! Sounds like he needs to be in a position where he can't actually get any credit for a while.

thecatsthecats · 01/10/2018 21:56

Those who kill themselves due to debt tend not to be able to see or manage their way out of their problems. If you bail him out 100%, he won't have the tools to fix it next time - and there will be a next time if he doesn't have to endure the consequences.

He needs to know that he has the power to fix his current situation and learn to prevent it happening in the future.

Sit down with him, find out which debts can be consolidated, which are priority, and work out a payment plan AND look at his overspending. As tempting as it is to solve the situation with money, you're only kicking it into the long grass if you pay it off.

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