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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would bail your kids out financially

154 replies

harrietthehare · 01/10/2018 19:46

My adult step son has mounting debts and struggling to pay them off. He does work but not in a very well paid job.

His debt is all of his own fault i.e living above his means, He does not live with us but is now being threatened with debt collectors.

He is very upset and crying all the time and has sunk into a depression. He has taken some time off work and we are worried he will end up losing his job altogether.

Should his dad (my DH) and I bail him out? He would need about £7k to clear his debt. We have money in our savings account and can afford it.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/10/2018 20:00

I would do it, but I agree he needs a repayment system which would leave him enough to live on but which would not be ridiculous, eg £5 a week.

DaphneDiligaf · 01/10/2018 20:01

I would but I would need reassurance that wouldn't take it as an opportunity to do it again.

BrokenWing · 01/10/2018 20:01

I would probably work with him on a plan to pay off, maybe with CAB advice. This would include selling any assets that would help, reviewing outgoings reducing to basics (phone contracts, TV packages) etc. Then loan enough to keep the wolves from the door and make sure he keeps to the plan.

I would not pay it all off as it would just be a clean sheet for him to build up again, he'd need to learn from it.

blueskiesandforests · 01/10/2018 20:03

Yes.

But only once.

They'd then arrange to pay it back at a manageable rate ( would cancel the debt once I'd seen they showed willing) and I'd help them make a budget, seek cheaper accommodation or whatever.

DramaAlpaca · 01/10/2018 20:03

I would do it once.

brokenharbour · 01/10/2018 20:05

If it's making him so depressed he can't get out to work I would definitely do it. People kill themselves over debt. There's the story of that poor 19 year old boy who had a parking ticket that escalated out of control.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 01/10/2018 20:08

I would, particularly given the worry of it seems to be making him ill. Even if it has come about due to living beyond his means, presumably he's learned his lesson? If you can't afford to give it then you could consider loaning the money to him with an agreed (manageable) repayment plan.

I just can't imagine being in a position to help and not doing it, unless he has form for this.

BlueJava · 01/10/2018 20:14

It depends on what he'd spent it on and if I thought he was just going to continue after I'd wiped the slate clean! If it's drugs or drink or similar.. how do you know he won't be in the same position in a few months' time? I think a better way is as Glum says - get him to get a debt management plan in place himself otherwise he'll have learnt nothing - other than you can bail him out.

genivert · 01/10/2018 20:14

i would, but only if i was certain that 2 conditions had been met:

  1. I could afford to write off the debt as a gift if i wanted to in the future i.e. i didn't rely on it for paying my own bills.
  1. i thought it was going to be of genuine help, not an enabling action. by that, i mean, there was a genuine remorse for finding themselves in the debt, it hadn't been run up on truly wasteful materialistic things (there's a difference between a DD on maternity leave in an abusive relationship getting into debt to get out vs. a DD who's been splurging on new handbags way above the income level).

the 2nd is probably more important to me.

i've seen a LOT of family, friends, people in my social circle bail each other out for various reasons (being fired, gambling debt, redundancy), and only in a few cases has it resulted in an epiphany in the debtor...

so my default stance would be not bailing out ANY family member, son daughter, parent, whatever - it has to mean something, prevent a repeat occurrence... in so many cases, it doesn't.

ivykaty44 · 01/10/2018 20:14

My dd moved back home and paid of her debt, she got a second job for about 4 months and worked some long days.

Dd also managed to get the interest frozen and as she was worked such ling hours, managed not to spend much and paid of the debt within 6 months

I think she learnt a lot through this

Original poster
harrietthehare · 01/10/2018 20:15

The reason for the debt is not for every day costs such as food and bills. He has a job where he has his accommodation and food included, but then a small salary to live on.

His debt is purely due to going out, trying to impress girls, expensive clothes etc.

He has never been particularly sensible with money and of course our head says no he is an adult but our heart says we can't see him in this state - imagine if he did something silly :(

He is 32 so not a youngster - has always bee crap with money and declared himself bankrupt about 10 years ago after me and DH bailed him out (can't remember the exact amount but it was a few thousand).

So he's not got a great track record, but we love him and we can afford it so maybe we should just clear it for him - but I can't help feeling like a complete mug, this is the dilemma.

I am sure he would make every effort to pay is the money back - but to be honest that is not our biggest concern - it's the fact that he can't seem to learn how to budget even at the age of 32! which suggests there will be a time and a next time .......

OP posts:
ilooovechristmas · 01/10/2018 20:17

I would bail him out BUT both sign a written contract saying he will pay you back the full amount at say £150-£200 a month?? He can't keep having it all and this will teach him HOPEFULLY to grow up and budget!!

ny20005 · 01/10/2018 20:18

It doesn't sound like he's learned any lessons since you bailed him out before.

He's also not a young adult so if you choose to bail him out again, this probably won't be the last time this happens

ivykaty44 · 01/10/2018 20:21

So if he loses his job he will then lose his home?

Could you sssist him in sorting out a debt relief plan through step change ?

Does he work as a chef ?

glivupa · 01/10/2018 20:23

I was going to say bail him out but then I saw you have bailed out before and he has not learnt his lesson. Tough one.

Shoobydooby09 · 01/10/2018 20:25

I think there are a few things you might want to consider. If you and DH pay off his debts do you think its a one off? Will he have learned from this experience? Is it likely to happèn again?, you say he has lived beyond his means. Has this situation changed? Would he expect you to help out again? Would you help him out again?
If he can just about survive on his wages with no debt to pay, can you afford to lose £7k if he can't pay it back to you?
I think as other PPs have said it may help him more to pay it off himself through a debt management plan or something similar. A friend of mine had help from Stepchange a couple of years back and she is well on her way to clearing her debts.

twiglet · 01/10/2018 20:25

Personally I would but I've also lost 4 male friends aged 25-35 to suicide, 2 of which debt and money problems was a major contributing factor.

That's not to scare monger just to explain my personal decision about helping and I would have as others suggested of an agreement etc and also find a charity that can help with budget management course on the agreement that he went.

flamingofridays · 01/10/2018 20:26

Nope. If you bail someone out once theyll expect you to do it the next time and of course you would if its your child.

However i would (if they wanted) go through their finances and help them get it sorted and ring the companies and agree an affordable amount to repay.

Rarfy · 01/10/2018 20:28

I don't know if i would and i speak as somone on a dmp.

My financed spiralled out of control from a young age and i lived by the motto that i worked hard and deserved it. I never had any excessive spending. Just clothes and haircuts really. Maybe the odd night away. Before i know it i had racked up about 17k. Ended up on maternity leave months earlier than expected and i was skipping bills as couldnt afford. I contacted stepchange and got on a dmp. That has been the best thing for me. I have slowly seen my debts come down and i can't actually got anymore credit which is great. So refreshing. I have to live within my means now. My roots are huge but i accept it!

Original poster
harrietthehare · 01/10/2018 20:29

He works as an outdoor activities instructor - it's difficult to sit down with him and work out payment plans as he lives a long way from us (when he is in the uk) - most of the year he is in different countries - either working at ski resorts or somewhere hot where he works on beaches with other various outdoor activities including sailing instructor.

We had this big conversation 10 years ago when we bailed him out about budgeting and not living beyond his means, but sadly here we are again. My DH and I said at the time we wouldn't do it again, but of course it's heart breaking (especially for DH) to see his son in this state.

So difficult - neither me or my DH are walk overs - but we feel if we do this again that's exactly what we will be - a mug or doormat

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2018 20:30

He's 32 and this will be the SECOND time you've bailed him out. He's both ungrateful and a slow learner.

Bluelady · 01/10/2018 20:30

I would make an interest free loan to pay it off on condition that he learns some budgeting skills, and cuts up his credit cards and closes the accounts. The repayment plan should be realistic and he should set up a direct debit for it. And impress on him that this is the last and final time.

Shoobydooby09 · 01/10/2018 20:31

Just seen your update OP i think I would be more inclined with getting him on a DMP to learn to live within his means. You're right there will be a next time and a next time and before you know it your savings account balance is £0. You may need your money for anything unexpected.

MrsStrowman · 01/10/2018 20:32

That's a lot when I was at uni, a housemate maxed out two overdrafts (interest free) and about £1000 on a credit card, her dad paid off her cc so she wasn't accruing interest/charges/bad credit, but then made her work full time fruit picking all summer to pay him back and clear her overdrafts before second year started, she never did it again. He's older and hasn't accrued this debt through unfortunate circumstances, OP had said he's lived beyond his means. At most you should clear it and set up a payment plan (in writing) so he pays you back, and make it clear it's not something you'll do again.

Original poster
harrietthehare · 01/10/2018 20:32

twiglet - that's awful :( see when I read how people have taken their own life because of debt it sends a shiver down my spine, especially as we can afford to clear his debt.

But as many other PP's have said - it's not the first time and sadly probably won't be the last

OP posts: