To ask if you would bail your kids out financially

[harrietthehare]

My adult step son has mounting debts and struggling to pay them off. He does work but not in a very well paid job.

His debt is all of his own fault i.e living above his means, He does not live with us but is now being threatened with debt collectors.

He is very upset and crying all the time and has sunk into a depression. He has taken some time off work and we are worried he will end up losing his job altogether.

Should his dad (my DH) and I bail him out? He would need about £7k to clear his debt. We have money in our savings account and can afford it.

[Darkstar4855]

If you have bailed him out before and he didn’t learn then I wouldn’t do it again. I ran up some debt in my twenties, my parents bailed me out the first time but I didn’t learn and got myself into a mess again.

The second time I didn’t feel able to admit it to my parents so instead I went to Payplan and got on a debt management plan - they contacted the creditors and arranged for all the interest to be frozen and set up an affordable monthly payment based on my income and expenditure.

It took me just over six years to pay it off and I had to curtail my spending (no luxuries) but I learnt my lesson and have been very careful with my finances ever since.

Honestly I think you will not help him by bailing him out. Instead I would point him in the direction of debt management charities and help him to sort out his own mess - at 32 he needs to learn how to do this as you won’t be around to bail him out forever!

[AlexanderHamilton]

I’m 44 and to a certain extent my parents have just bailed me out (Dd gets a grant based on our income for a specialist course & after we were assessed dh went on long term sick due to potentially career ending health issues) so they paid our fee contribution this term.

If he’s still off sick by the end of the year we can be re-assessed but it’s meant we could afford to go private to speed his diagnoses & start treatment earlier. (He’s been off work since June & next NHS appt not until January).

[Glumglowworm]

Alexander I wouldn’t say that’s bailing you out, or if it is, it’s through unfortunate circumstances not your own bad decisions. I think most parents would want to help their adult children in genuine cases of unforseeable misfortune if they can afford to do so.

OP you’ve already bailed him out once and he’s not learned his lesson. If you bail him out again he’s just going to learn that there are no consequences to his bad choices, because you’ll always be there to bail him out.

Help him to get himself out of the situation he’s got himself into.

[MsWinters]

Yes I'd bail him out.

[EvaHarknessRose]

I think more than once, and its like pissing money away. Offer practical help and if needed a roof over his head where you can.

[Beaverhausen]

Be very careful that this does not become a regular occurrence if you bail him out this one time.

I would also ensure that he sets up a standing order to pay you back a set amount every month. and that this will be his first and only time that you help him out or he will never learn.

You do know he can have that debt consolidation thingie done where he pays a minimum every month. Might be an idea to arrange a meeting for him with CAB and get the ball rolling, that might save you £7k because you know you will not be getting that back.

[AngelSlides]

Op. What do you think is the right thing to do? What is your gut telling you?

[genivert]

His job sounds like one long neverending gap year.

Or is it more stable hours than you'd think, e.g. a fixed term contract that he takes on another job alongside if it's in off-season? How does that work OP?

[tootiredtospeak]

If it were my son and I could afford it I would but on the provision he gets some help to deal with the stuff you said and debt counselling. At what age do you stop helping your kids. If he were battling an addiction or had MH problems people would be more sympathetic. It really depends on him and only you know him.
Is he a pisstaker running it up knowing full well mum and dad will bail him out. Or a troubled young man thats seems incapable of managing his day to day finances

[Stillme1]

I have bailed out my DC several times. I have bought things for them. They are still in debt. They have non working partners who are not even keeping house. There is a load of alcohol being consumed. Maybe other things too. I have noticed that things bought for them or DGC often disappear. There have been times when I realise that I am purely a financial, We also have the situation when DC have said that I have not spent enough on presents for birthdays,
I find it a bit pressurising and persistent but I have to stay strong and put a stop to the constant demand for money. This of course lead to my not being able ti see the DGC. It is their way of registering their "power"

[HouseworkIsASin10]

Under those circumstances, no.
He is a hairy-arsed grown man.
We all live by our means, pay our bills. Why is he any different? Why should you use your savings on a man child?

[blue25]

No. His mess. He sorts it out. People have to learn that their behaviour, in his case living beyond his means has a consequence. What is he learning if you just pay off all the debt for him?

[starzig]

I would say pay it off but set up a plan to pay you at least some back even if it just a token amount within his means. But on the proviso that he gets rid of any high value credit cards (may be change to a lower cap one)

[llangennith]

Haven't rtft but yes I would pay off his debts if I had the money.

[LolaPickle]

Yes I would without hesitation

The RED LIGHT here is that he has sunk into depression

You are sitting on 7k and can afford it

Not sure what you are waiting for OP

This is having a massive effect on his life and mental state.

[BMW6]

32??!!!!
When is he going to get a grip of his finances?
In this instance I would not give him money, but would offer to help budgeting, Stepchange etc.

[LolaPickle]

It sounds as if he has mental health issues running through his family tbh OP..and you know this...and appear to be planning to say no, even though you have the cash sitting in your bank

[LolaPickle]

Some people never get a grip on their finances. Over spending is a habit of the mentally unwell.

It is a regular occurance,many people with mental health conditions are in debt

[Branleuse]

I would, and my mum would for me im sure

[LolaPickle]

But what i don't understand is folk who have the cash, who will sit back and watch (and judge) this landslide..whilst it is happening

[Blessthekids]

I would bail out my kids plus I would insist he goes to his GP to seek help with the depression as this obviously has a part to play in causing this situation. I would also sit him down to discuss his finances and draw up a budget then I would take his credit cards off him. Schedule a weekly phone call to discuss that week's budget. There is no easy fix. Good luck

[Branleuse]

I certainly wouldnt watch my child have bailiffs at the door and sinking into huge depression if i could give them practical help. I know where it can lead.

[LemonysSnicket]

My mum would, she would also ask me to set up a realistic direct debit to slowly pay her back, even if it took 10 years x

[RedOrange21]

Yes but only as an interest free loan as others have suggested.

[LolaPickle]

For my input so far, my parents would not have helped.

My Dad gave me £300 when I was in trouble with council tax - almost 20 years ago now.

I still have not heard the end of it

It is still brought up on a semi regular basis ''that time you got yourself in trouble''...Oh the shame

Yes I was a single parent, on min wage, and I paid you back 15 years ago....