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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell OW to stay away at school?

229 replies

Sassyk · 01/10/2018 06:59

My DP of twelve years had an affair with a activity teacher of my dc and furthermore she works at the school my dc have just started at. The level of betrayal was pretty awful (going out for late night ‘walks’ to her house, taking my dc there for playdayes etc) and was devastating. He actually moved in with her for about a week and then came home. Professing that he had made a massive mistake etc. We are trying again and hand on heart, we had some issues although I am by no means excusing it as he almost caused me to have a breakdown.
But that’s not really the problem. I’ve not been in touch with OW as I’ve had no need and quite honestly trying to forget it and work on how we heal. However we live a few streets apart and we’re likely to bump into each other. It was my dc birthday this last weekend and the OW gave her daughter and friend a present to give to my dc at school. I was devastated when my dc came home with this gift it seemed so manipulative (unfortunately they had started the affair whilst taking my dc to her house to play) and like it was trying to remind my dp of her existence. I sent her a polite but clear message to stay away from my dc including her daughter both of which are primary age. Her daughter knows about the affair which is mortifying as do the teaching staff at the school as Ow told them.
OW messaged me back essentially saying she was furious to be asked her to stay away from my dc. Now I’m questioning my demand (I didn’t demand tho) am I being unreasonable? I know they did a dreadful thing...they both did...but I’m giving my dp another chance so should I think it’s ok for her child to play with my dc and for her to play with my dc. I don’t want to have the constant reminder but I also don’t want to be unreasonable although part of me thinks I can be if I want to give our relationship the best chance.

OP posts:
Ninoo25 · 01/10/2018 11:41

It’s not just a teacher who bought a kid a present though is it? It’s the woman who had an affair with, and briefly moved in with the OP’s husband, who is apparently now trying to get her innocent child on side. She has then also reacted badly when the OP has understandably told her to stay away. It’s bad enough trying to take her husband away, but now trying to ingratiate herself with her child? I’d be furious and question why she just won’t stay away (and before you say it, yes I realise her husband is also at fault, but this woman seems determined)

MorrisZapp · 01/10/2018 11:45

Trying to take her husband away? The husband is an adult. By all means, the op will be discussing this with her close friends but taking it to the womans employers is an act of insanity. Any complaint would have to have the husbands backing anyway which he clearly isn't going to give.

Your basically suggesting that employers should prevent adultery. The only people who can prevent adultery are the adults who committed to be faithful.

SomeKnobend · 01/10/2018 11:51

The school haven't done anything because you haven't complained or asked them to. I'd be talking to the head. This is totally inappropriate behaviour on her part, involving your dd in her affair with her father. Grim as fuck. Kids should be looked after by people with some sense of what's appropriate and what's in the children's interests.

YeTalkShiteHen · 01/10/2018 11:51

I wouldn’t think involving the school about the affair is relevant no, BUT if she continues to use her position at the school to engineer contact with anyone (OP, her DD or her husband) that is a matter for school, if she’s used her job to do it.

Ninoo25 · 01/10/2018 11:56

She shouldn’t complain to the school about the affair, but about giving her child gifts and then most importantly flying off the handle when she was told to stay away (the affair should be mentioned as background to this only).

Ninoo25 · 01/10/2018 11:56

Fully agree SomeKnobend

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/10/2018 12:04

Erm. The you made your bed comment was meant for ops husband.
Read things properly little miss wade in.

SalemBlackCat · 01/10/2018 12:15

@MorrisZapp Have you even read the OP and the replies on the thread? This is not simply a teacher buying a student a present. Also, as I said, I have seen this type of thing play out in real life, close up. In the case I know, the OW took advantage of every ability to reach out to the family/husband, and didn't take no for an answer. In OP's case, her OW was furious that her offer was met with no enthusiasm and rather than show embarrassment and keeping her head down, she feels she is doing nothing wrong by giving the child of the man she had an affair with a gift. Her attitude is a warning sign.

As I said, I have seen a very similar situation in real life, and threats of a restraining order by the police needed to be deployed. So please don't deem my post hysterical unless you have had personal experience with this, because until then you do not know what it's like.

Charlie97 · 01/10/2018 12:22

@Sassyk does your daughter know about the affair?

If not I would strongly suggest you tell her!! If the other DC knows it will come out and it's better you've told her yourself.

Good luck

Inertia · 01/10/2018 12:29

If OW’s daughter is your child’s mentor ( which could well have been engineered by OW volunteering her daughter- already know the family, familiar face etc) then I’m sure the school would arrange a swap under the circumstances.

While you are having that conversation with the head, I would ask for clarification of their policy for staff buying presents for children ( outside of the realms of their own children attending birthday parties etc). Many schools include this sort of thing in their safeguarding policies, to avoid the risk of individual children being singled out for special treatment.

MorrisZapp · 01/10/2018 12:30

Salem, I am sorry your friend ended up having to get a restraining order, I have no doubt the whole situation was traumatic.

But this isn't your friend, its people you don't know. Its one instance of giving a kid a birthday present. If the op thinks otherwise, she should get her DP to tackle it.

He created this situation and he's the only one who has any agency to deal with the fallout.

Havaina · 01/10/2018 12:38

Its one instance of giving a kid a birthday present.

No, OP said the OW gave her DD a present to give to OP's DD.

The nuance is important here.

Alaaya · 01/10/2018 12:42

I sort of read it as the OW's DD gave OP's DD a present as some kind of friend thing but of course it had to be bought by the OW. I might be confused though.

sliceofcheese · 01/10/2018 12:45

I actually think this is important.

He actually moved in with her for about a week and then came home.

So basically they had an affair. Both to blame on that one. Affairs are never right but it takes two etc. However he then promised her he would leave you and he did. This made her trust him.

He then MOVED IN to her home, presumably with her kids. Allowing this is a massive step for a family. He then says "oh sorry I changed my mind" and runs back to you a week later.

How do you think her kids felt about this? Of course the kid knows about the affair since your husband MOVED INTO THEIR HOME. However brief his stay presumably the kid was told he would be living there, they would be a family etc.

Did it ever occur to you that he has been an absolute asshole not just to her but to her kids as well as to you? He's basically stomped all over two women and two sets of kids because he can't keep it in his pants ffs.

The gift could be:

Her kid misses yours. They had play dates etc and could have built up a friendship. Don't forget her kid also thought your families were going to be joined. If this was suggested over a long period of
Time they could have begun to see your kid as a new sibling. You don't know the relationship between them through the older kids eyes.

She wants to send a message to your partner that she was accepting your kids (and him) into her family and she's still here.

She wants to piss you off so you kick him out.

Personally I think that whatever the reason for the gift he's much more of a threat to your happiness than her since he feels it acceptable to treat people this way.

Robin2323 · 01/10/2018 12:54

Come on!
This ow is angry she was dumped and is looking ti cause
Trouble.
Glad to see a lot of women have got her number.
Op work on your marriage like you have been doing.
You did the right thing calling her on her nonsense.

TeddybearBaby · 01/10/2018 13:08

I’ve been really really thinking about this and actually I think you should do nothing. I think she wants attention and drama and I think you should give her NONE. Keep your head held high. Stay strong and treat her like the irrelevance that she is.

I’ve been in a shitty situation and I acted ladylike and with dignity and I gave away nothing about how I felt. I just had this determined / ladylike persona going on. I look back and feel proud of myself. I know it’s easier said than done but it’s what I would try to do 😘

MorrisZapp · 01/10/2018 13:09

MN is sane and sensible on everything except parking and OW.

I'm whistling in the wind here. Good luck op, hope you get peace in your life soon.

TeddybearBaby · 01/10/2018 13:09

In fact I wish you’d sent her a thank you card for the gift. She’d have been seething 😂 x

MorningsEleven · 01/10/2018 13:13

I'd contact the school. Just to y'know give them a heads up that your kid had a fucked up summer and might need extra support. You're not complaining or telling tales, you're just protecting your child.

Juells · 01/10/2018 13:15

I’ve been in a shitty situation and I acted ladylike and with dignity and I gave away nothing about how I felt. I just had this determined / ladylike persona going on.

Tried that for a while, and it didn't work. Then I turned into a bitch out of hell.

Juells · 01/10/2018 13:16

I'm whistling in the wind here. Good luck op, hope you get peace in your life soon.

I suspect that's because you haven't been in the situation of dealing with an OW who has a grudge against you for 'having her man'.

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 01/10/2018 13:18

I'm not sure whether or not YABU, but I know my reaction would be the same as yours OP and I wouldn't care if I were BU or not.
OW has no regrets and wants to rub your face in it. Horrid situation OP Flowers

WillowKnicks · 01/10/2018 13:18

How do you think her kids felt about this? Of course the kid knows about the affair since your husband MOVED INTO THEIR HOME. However brief his stay presumably the kid was told he would be living there, they would be a family etc.

I doubt the OP gave a flying fuck how the OW's kids felt! I presume she was too busy trying to console her own young daughter whose Dad had all of a sudden moved out!

TeddybearBaby · 01/10/2018 13:19

@Juells really difficult isn’t it!! But so satisfying especially when you know someone is trying to get a rise out of you...... sorry you’re getting zero attention from me x

StarsHollow123 · 01/10/2018 13:33

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this OP Thanks YANBU.

I don't think it's helpful to derail this thread but focussing on the blame of your DH as that isn't what this post is about and you sound well aware of his culpability already.

Your op is about the reaction of the OW, to what is a perfectly understandable request - her responds is quite frankly appalling. She has behaved in a awful way and has already compromised herself professionally by carrying on an affair with a pupils parent and bringing the name of the school into disrepute. The way she has continued to seek access to your child and the response she gave to you when asked to stop really does show a total lack of judgement on her part. I would second a PP who said her bosses likely don't know the full story. I don't think you'd be at all out of line to speak directly to the head and request she doesn't have contact with your child.

I wouldn't give a moments thought to the comment by the deputy heads wife - she was likely desperately clutching at straws for something positive to say. Let's face it - congrats on your lies, deception and trying to break up a family doesn't quite have the same ring to it.