To tell OW to stay away at school?

[Sassyk]

My DP of twelve years had an affair with a activity teacher of my dc and furthermore she works at the school my dc have just started at. The level of betrayal was pretty awful (going out for late night ‘walks’ to her house, taking my dc there for playdayes etc) and was devastating. He actually moved in with her for about a week and then came home. Professing that he had made a massive mistake etc. We are trying again and hand on heart, we had some issues although I am by no means excusing it as he almost caused me to have a breakdown.
But that’s not really the problem. I’ve not been in touch with OW as I’ve had no need and quite honestly trying to forget it and work on how we heal. However we live a few streets apart and we’re likely to bump into each other. It was my dc birthday this last weekend and the OW gave her daughter and friend a present to give to my dc at school. I was devastated when my dc came home with this gift it seemed so manipulative (unfortunately they had started the affair whilst taking my dc to her house to play) and like it was trying to remind my dp of her existence. I sent her a polite but clear message to stay away from my dc including her daughter both of which are primary age. Her daughter knows about the affair which is mortifying as do the teaching staff at the school as Ow told them.
OW messaged me back essentially saying she was furious to be asked her to stay away from my dc. Now I’m questioning my demand (I didn’t demand tho) am I being unreasonable? I know they did a dreadful thing...they both did...but I’m giving my dp another chance so should I think it’s ok for her child to play with my dc and for her to play with my dc. I don’t want to have the constant reminder but I also don’t want to be unreasonable although part of me thinks I can be if I want to give our relationship the best chance.

Oh yes, the 'I'm not surprised as you get on so well' comment- take no notice of it. The head's wife probably meant, 'no one is shocked to hear this as your behaviour was so blatant, you schemers'. I did once say to an ex friend 'you belong together' after she had an affair. That wasn't me being swept up in romance, I simply thought they were both twats who deserved each other!

It's insane the OW thought it was appropriate to give the child a birthday present under the circumstances. And then to defend herself .

This isn't normal behaviour. At all. I am speechless there is anyone defending it. Her child is also four years older than the OP's child, they aren't 'friends', their mother was trying to play happy families with them all but that is over.

The woman doesn't care about boundaries. I am not sure the next step is a restraining order in this case and normally I would not recommend going to the school but in this case, if it is in fact true her daughter is your daughter's mentor etc I think it is right that this is ended. I wouldn't be going into any more details of the situation, just that you'd be grateful for her to be assigned someone else.

Of course your DH is accountable, blah blah blah. But there is no need to normalise seriously unsocial behaviour. Which this is.

I also think she's extremely out of order.

She may have really liked your daughter and been looking forward to playing happy families with her and your husband. It may well have been a gift that she bought ages ago, when she thought she'd be a part of your daughter's life. However she should not have given that gift now her relationship with your husband is over. The fact that she engineered giving the gift and linked it to the mentor, combined with the fact that she reacted angrily when you told her off clearly shows that she had no intention of backing off and walking away.

Your husband had treated this woman badly (even though she's got a lot of blame too). He started an affair with her, dumped his family, moved into the middle of hers, then promptly walked back out and left. She is probably hurt and annoyed. It sounds like she is as in love and ready to forgive him as you were. If he really wants your relationship and your family to work he needs to tell her firmly that he doesn't want anything to do with her and tell her to leave the children alone. If he can't do that for you, I really don't see why you're with him.

Also, I can't see why the OW isn't protecting her own children from further harm. To address the point raised above about how upset they must be the OPs DH moved out when they "thought they were going to be a family."

Someone worried about her DCs feeling hurt wouldn't engineer further contact, she'd do her best to keep them away from each other.

She is using her child to keep a foot in the door/cause the OP harm. She doesn't have the OPs child's interests at her (or her own for that matter.) It's really shocking behaviour she would play all of this out at her workplace too.

Agree with the most recent post by honeyroar. If your dp is a complete twat he will be really enjoying what he might think is two women fighting over him. He needs to spell it out that there is no chance of him having anything whatsoever to do with OW again. No play dates, no birthday presents. It’s as if she doesn’t exist to him or to any of you (as far as is practical). I know you don’t want to take it any further with the school or to move, but I personally would do both.

If the OW's daughter's friend is the mentor, not the daughter herself, and OW provided the gift, then she is dragging another child to whom she has a duty of care into the whole sordid situation. I would hit the fucking roof if a school employee used my child in that way, it's completely inappropriate.

Just a couple of things, DP didn’t move in as part of the family he stayed in the spare room as OW didn’t want to confuse her daughter. It was when he finished with her that her daughter found out. He has told her he has no interest in pursuing a relationship with her but I’m not sure she is taking no for an answer and to be fair to her he gave her very mixed messages

He told you he stayed in the OW’s spare bedroom? And you believe him?

Why is it in these situations the husband who has been taken back is always the one who ended it with thr other woman, never he was dumped, and the other woman is always the crazy who won't accept it.

I suspect there is his version, her version and thr truth.

Can I be another that suggests you gently let your DD know about what has happened.

The other children at the school will find out and the gossip will travel round all of the other students. That’s not the way for your DD to find out.

I would suggest your partner tells her with you there obviously but I really think it needs to be him that had to explain.

Yes I believe him due to some of the circumstances which I won’t put on here. I’m not denying they weren’t sleeping with each other.
And this isn’t about my decision to have him back or to give it an other go

Moved into his mistress's spare room? Heard it all now. If you seriously want to stay with this man I think unfortunately you will have to move your daughter from the school. She will cope at 5 and it will be less stressful than her parents splitting up. Its one thing avoiding the OW in the street but quite another to have to deal with her at school.

Do you also believe him he ended it? And do you also believe she won't take no for an answer?

Yes I believe he slept in the spare room. Gods sake I know they were sleeping with each other it really doesn’t make a difference does it. This thread isn’t about if I should’ve given it another go.
It’s about trying to work out the best way with this situation. Lesson learnt don’t post in AIBU!

I can pretty much guarantee this affair isn’t over. It might be on hiatus because he feels bad, he might very well want it to work with you at the moment, but it isn’t over for her, and she isn’t going to walk away. She has firmly and clearly nailed her colours to the mast.

I feel so sorry for you going through all this. All your memories of your little girl starting school are going to be tinged with this betrayal. The school can’t really do anything. I would suggest that you find somewhere else for your daughter to do her activity, hold your head high and be very clear about what your boundaries are for your marriage going forward. It is massively unfair, but that is the only control you have.

OP the best way forward is to move house and schools. You have every right to try to work on the marriage but this situation with OW being a part of your lives like this isn't going to allow that.

Yabu about the child. It's not her fault.

Yanbu aboyt the women. Don't know how you'd enforce it. Presumably the school won't enforce it.

@Sassyk please read my post about telling your own child about the affair in your own way!

The OW may well get her child to tell yours to spite you and get her version of events!

Don't let her have that power.

Christ, people are vicious on this thread! Why be so nasty? Clearly this is all still very raw.

OP, I would arrange a meeting with the head and explain what is going on. Your husband should go with you, as you really need to show a united front. Hopefully, they can keep your child away from this woman. But longer term, I would try to move schools or move away. It will be difficult to repair your marriage in this kind of environment.

She sounds like an utter bitch.

@Sassyk

As a teacher, I can tell you that what she has done has breached teacher standard of professional conduct, which have been tightened up in recent years.

Two people having a consenting relationship is not the issue. Teachers can have relationships with parents. But they cannot behave immorally and manipulatively with a parent. The head will want to know, especially as it will be playground gossip and may cause issues with other parents and their attitude to this teacher.

While they have both behave reprehensibly only one have them has done so in their work place, abusing their position of influence over a child/ children. That present thing does not sit right with me. It is really the worst thing from a teacher/ student point of view. She has behaved very stupidly in doing this.

Report her. She deserves it. I'd say your DH's part is awful in all this, but you know that and it isn't the question you asked.

Good luck.

YANBU

And she's got a screw loose.

Firmly hold your ground.

OP, you can't actually separate your DH's behaviour from this issue with the OW.

She is effectively marking her territory because she still thinks she has a chance with your DH.

Until, and unless, your DH gives firm, no nonsense messages that it's over, she's going to be hovering and waiting for the affair to resume.

Yet your DH seems to be happy to let you be the one telling her to go away, and she isn't taking any notice. You have to ask why. You don't have to spell it out on here, but you need to take a good hard look at him. What is he doing to repair the marriage? Counselling? Or is he just sitting there expecting you to do all the work.

He's the one who had an affair, and he's the one who needs to make it very clear to the OW that it's over. Don't fall into the trap of the Pick Me dance.

OP can you just clarify whether the OW is an actual teacher at the school or not? I read that she was the teacher of an 'activity' so not a qualified teacher per se? She could be a dinner lady or a TA for eg.

Absolutely you need to approach your DCs class teacher and inform them that your DC may have been affected by your DP's dick wandering, and all about her mentor being friends with the OWs DC who is passing gifts through her. She needs a new mentor if the one she's got is friends with the OWs DC, who knows her mother and the OP's DC's father had a romantic relationship. You know 10 Yr olds talk and can be nasty, especially if OW shows upset to her DC - she may take it out on OP's DC.

If you remain at this school your DC will find out I should Imagine.

Much sympathy OP, but you do realise as your DP, he hasn't made any vows to you yet and may do it again. Having an affair is never a mistake, it's only a mistake when it's discovered. He also knew your DC would be attending a school where his bit on the side would be working so there would be daily contact between all of you? Honestly .

For what it's worth, I think you were right to give it another go. Where at all possible, mend it, don't end it. If he does it again at least you'll know you tried. I know this isn't true for everyone, and not everyone has the capacity to forgive but if you can forgive it and move on then why shouldn't you?