Son gone to Uni - I've gone to pieces.

[daffodillament]

Took our Eldest up to London yesterday for Uni. Oh my god, I am feeling bereft ! Never known anything like it, I am wandering around the house in absolute floods, but pretending that I have an awful cold in front of my other two kids ( obvs they know how I feel but I can't just keep breaking down in front of them! ) Does this really get better ? Have highlighted all the holiday periods and planned trips to visit as well as he has planned trips home. It's not so bad, about 150 miles away and I know he's made friends already but really, never expected to feel quite so emotionally traumatised by this event ! Can anyone relate and help me get myself back in check ?

If you want to know what not to do, OP, let me tell you about the moment my DM reached her embarrassing mother zenith whilst I was at uni.

When I was doing my final year research project she came into the department, couldn’t find me, and handed over a plastic bag of groceries to my supervisor with the words, ‘Can you give this to Outwith, I don’t think she’s feeding herself properly!’

Cringe!

If you can just restrain yourself from going quite this far, OP, you’re doing fine in my book. The sadness you are feeling is testament to the bond between you and your DS. Had you ushered him merrily out the door without a single pang - as if he were no more to you than a big fat bluebottle - that would have been worse.

My Dd went to uni a month ago. She’s been back overnight twice and a day trip as she had the hospital.

It’s felt odd at times and on Saturday night I felt completely lost and missing her. But I was poorly and dh and ds were out.

I look forward to when I do see her as it means a great catch up and an excuse for coffee and cake.

She was dreadfully homesick the first week but now with lectures, workshops and a job she is finding her feet now!

I think you get used to the changes but it doesn’t stop you missing them.

DS has gone today so I’m still feeling wobbly. Glad to know it starts to get better, I’m so glad he’s gone off to university and just hope that he’s ok. It’s definitely easier to keep in touch nowadays so I hope he embraces the whole experience. He is the last of his friends to go so it’s felt like a long wait!

Ahh! Bless.

Its normal to feel emotional when your baby leaves home. I forced myself not to phone any more than once each week and we agreed for my daughter not to come home for six weeks. This may seem cruel but all the kids going to uni are in the same boat. They will all be anxious to make friends. If you encourage your child to come home at weekends he will miss out on those vital first weekends of going out with other freshers and this is when friendships are formed. If you keep going up or encouraging him to come home in first months he will miss those opportunities and then it will be harder to make friends once groupings are already formed. If you ring him too frequently it will make him feel homesick, hence once a week best. I did send care packages with Lemsips and Soothers etc. when she got a cold and that made me feel still needed and her feel cared for.

@daffodillament

Hoping you are starting to feel a little better today.
Out of interest, do you work (whether FT or PT)?
If so, I'd imagine you will start to feel a bit better once you are in your usual work routine.
If not in work I would perhaps encourage finding something (even if only volunteering for a charity, as opposed to paid work) in order to build a new routine and social circle - just because if you are at home all the time thinking about how much you miss your son then that will not help you.

I have done that wrench. A few times. It’s hard. But you have two left at home. Concentrate on them. Wait til the last one goes! Although you’ll be a pro by then! And they do have a habit of returning, both in hols, which are basically half the year, and when they graduate. Harder bit for me was when they nested full time with a partner. Just have to accept you’ve done your job. And take any time together as a lovely bonus. They are borrowed etc...Good luck with it

I can’t wait for mine to go...they are only 9 and 2. They might not go of course, but I’m hopeful they will at least move out. Maybe somewhere far away.

dancingforthedog What a fab post, thankyou. Some of these messages make me feel so much better. I do work part time and I did feel fine at work, a brief moment in the staffroom when some colleagues asked how it went on the weekend had me for a moment but I soon got myself back in check ! Spoken with my ds this eve and it all sounds amazing ! I do worry about him not being so streetwise as others, he is a real homebody, goes out to play footie or go cycling with friends but has never been one for the pub/club scene (yet) considering I am a girls night out regular. But all will be fine. It's a fab Uni, he's raving about the place already, frequent free scoff (they are all being treated to a big chinese later..I'm almost jealous)But all in all I think I am doing ok (for those that asked ) BUT...I might be one of those parents turning up and knocking on windows, or with bags of groceries (that did make me laugh)...His visits will always be highlighted on my calendar, will be the same for my other two boys too, don't care what anyone says !

hoardernomore

Harder bit for me was when they nested full time with a partner. aaaaarrrggghh !

Totally normal, OP & for those saying overinvested, have a heart!

Just as we all parent differently, we all react differently to our child flying the nest, no right or wrong way just how we are !

Lots of good tips on here OP, but do whatever you have to to shake off this bereft feeling that you/some of us do get. Treat yourself to a bit of luxury whatever your tiple/indulgence is & hopefully some hugs from the other members of the family.
It does get easier & when they come back you will have a slightly different relationship but a nice one, they grow up a lot & I love the adult relationship I now have with my 2 (still look at the various pics from when they were younger though & have a wobble occasionally, but it's more wistful than a real boo-hoo)

As needed

PS Second sending a package of goodies from home -in this internet age it's still fun to get an old fashioned parcel & Freshers 'Flu often kicks in this first few weeks. Too much booze, too little sleep or proper food too so some comforts will help!

OutwiththeOutCrowd that's hilarious!

I agree a 'cold/flu' parcel with Otrivine, throat sweets, paracetemol and a little treat would be very welcome this time in the term. My class was full of people sniffing/coughing and quite a few away due to colds already.

Oh and I meant to say, have you thought of the old fashioned route - my Mum used to write to me occasionally - a letter or a card. So nice to receive something in the post (especially if it contained a fiver).

@babdoc how dare you suggest she is overinvested! It’s her child of course she will be upset. What a pointless and mean thing to say.
Op my eldest is going next year and I’m onin bits already

If you have sent your DC off with the skills they'll need to transition to
successful independent, adult life: knowing how to cook, clean and do own laundry then well done, as your DC lives will be made easier.

Nothing worse than house sharing with a spoilt toddler man whose doting mummy does it all or who expects their partner to take over from mummy!

mummypeepee Thanks for your support. It's bloody hard but taking on board a lot of what's been said, it MUST get easier. prettyvase I have never expected any of mine to cook, clean and do own laundry. I do encourage them to try out some cooking from time to time, they do occasionally clean ie. empty dishwasher/fill it wipe down worktops etc if I ask them to. They are bright kids, my eldest will figure out the laundry room in no time and at No time will they ever expect a partner to take over 'mummy duties' !

My DH and I cried in the car every time we dropped our two at university - even the second one and even to the third term so don’t feel you are unusual.

It does feel a a bit better as time goes on. The youngest, my DD moved out and bought a house with her now fiancé but lives 20 minutes away. The eldest, the DS, still lives at home as he cannot afford to rent or buy.

Is it weird to love one’s offspring? I am even a bit soppy about the fiancé now! They are all so lovely.

I think it depends on the individual and has to be their personal choice if they want to come home to visit.
If I was you, I would not be making unrealistic plans that you set your heart one and then feel so hurt, when they either refuse to do as you have planned or actually just want to come home occasionally and unwind in their space.
To them you are still home and just being at home is what they want, not plans, visits to do things like when they were younger or seeing people.
You have to slowly start to accept that they need to feel that their life is away from you and organised their way.
I had to learn all of the above and then got pleasantly surprised when my Son would come home for a long weekend which included having a house full of his friends.
Due to my disabilities however he chose to commute for years two and three as he could then drive and was worried about me coping during his freshers year.
He was also unhappy with the drunkenness and drug taking that had occurred in his shared flat in year one and wanted to live back at home and be away from that type of culture.

It does get better over time take my word for it. My children are still little so I have no experience but I can share some advice.
Be happy for your child. Remember that this is a opportunity for them to experience independence too. Keep in touch with him via Facebook and phone calls. Let him make the best of it. Find a new hobby that does not revolve around your family either. Or take up a sport.

One of my jobs as a mom of twins is to teach my children about independence from the outset. Not to spoon feed them. For about six months I forgot this goal however I was too busy bonding with my children. But I’m glad I remembered. I felt the same way the day I walked out of my apartment last year leaving both babies at home for 2/3 hours a day.
We had hired a childcare provider for them part time as I needed to return to work. It was so difficult at first but now it doesn’t even bother me anymore because I’m busy at work.
Plus I love what I do for a living. For me personally it’s the newborn baby stage that was so hard. I kept making plans for the future that only ever made sense inside my head.

OP, what’s clear is that you love your son very much and there is nothing wrong with that. I remember going to university myself and how upset my mum was each time I left home at Autumn term although she tried to hide it. Her visit toward the middle of my first term was a lifeline, I missed home a lot. She raised us girls to be independent and in the end I lived out my life in another country and my life has been full. I know she missed me and I missed her especially in the early years. I still have her letters to me while I was at University, there is so much love in them and I think knowing that she was there and would come if I needed her set me up for independent adulthood. In the first term or two I was pretending everything was fine, the truth was I felt homesick and a bit lost. My mum saw through my act and visited even though it was far away. Don’t listen too much to others, it seems to me only you can judge your relationship and your son, add a pinch of common sense, read the signs and you will work out what’s right.
I’m sure the shock will pass for you and you will cope. There’s no shame in how you feel right now though.

Yes, it gets better. But both mine are now in their thirties and I still feel nostalgia for the days when I was spending hours driving them round and we went on holiday as a family.

I was amused when my younger son told me that he and a friend at uni had compared notes and decided their parents weren't doing too badly compared with other parents they'd heard of!

My advice would be just to let yourself feel it, don't try to feel better than you do. I remember the first year the younger one was at uni I watched Friend on E4 every day at 5.00 pm because that was what he used to do when he was doing his A levels, feeling very melancholy that he wasn't there watching it too!

There are huge pluses in watching your kids grow up and gain confidence as young adults, it's not such a close relationship day to day, but most grown up children still need plenty of advice and support. xxx

OutwiththeOutCrowd, I can top of food parcel dropped round at Uni. My first teaching job wasn't far from MIL's house and one afternoon I got a tannoy message to go to the school office where I had a visitor. There she was with a loaf of bread and a pack of sausages!

My only DS who is a product from a single parent went to uni two weeks ago. He is local, granted but living in halls... I thought I'd hate it and it has taken some getting used to but I know he is loving it and that makes me so happy. Therefore I'm loving life and have got lots of stuff planned, I've always been close to my boy but have always known that he will fly the nest as I did. Holding on to your kids is not healthy, letting them go free is good parenting. My son had been home twice (has a car) for mum's cooking which I've loved but I can't say I've not enjoyed the freedom