Son gone to Uni - I've gone to pieces.

[daffodillament]

Took our Eldest up to London yesterday for Uni. Oh my god, I am feeling bereft ! Never known anything like it, I am wandering around the house in absolute floods, but pretending that I have an awful cold in front of my other two kids ( obvs they know how I feel but I can't just keep breaking down in front of them! ) Does this really get better ? Have highlighted all the holiday periods and planned trips to visit as well as he has planned trips home. It's not so bad, about 150 miles away and I know he's made friends already but really, never expected to feel quite so emotionally traumatised by this event ! Can anyone relate and help me get myself back in check ?

I think visits are fine if it's about him, and not about you.

MorrisZapp

I think teens need guidance.

Endless lifts, but also emotional support- I have helped DD with University appliications, visiting open days, preparing her for University interviews. Picking up from late parties, endless shopping trips, and generally being around for my teens.

surely the problem with making plans to visit them is that they may want to be flexible as they make plans with new friends! IF they are out at a big party on friday - they really won't want parents turning up the next day, however much they thought they would on day one.

I think they really need to be left alone for the first term to build a new life...let them call you and arrange a visit when they feel like it.

My MIL (DS's nan) was over for dinner last night so we had a ten minute facetime chat with him. That was really helpful. It's been four weeks since we dropped him off and we visited last weekend for parents weekend.

It does get easier.

I remember being in a boy’s room at university and his parents banged on the window

They had turned up unexpectedly for a visit and back in the 80s no mobile phones for prior warning...

MorrisZapp I agree teens need a lot of emotional support, but it is a lot more freeing than having an 8 year old! I am so glad I live in a city as well, so my children use public transport and walk into town as well as getting the never-ending lifts. They do need support but also go out a lot with friends, and spend time alone, so if that's what you are looking for, or time to go jogging, or even a night out, then a 17 year old will be a heck of a lot easier timewise than a 8 year old. If you are not able to go out and leave your average 17 year old occasionally and live your own life, something's gone wrong somewhere...

Leaving DD at Uni was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It does get better, honest, but you have to actively plan things to do with your time or you'll end up ringing them which they don't want.
Having said that mine still wanted regular pictures of the dog so most don't want to be cut out altogether, just digital communication not calling.
Good luck!

The eldest is the worst but yes it hurts
But they come back
With partners
And then grandchildren ( hope not quite yet for you)
What's App is your friend

MIL admits she was an absolute wreck when DH and BIL left home for university.

She also struggled when they got married and started families etc, in fact she was a bit of a nightmare (although doesn't admit to this so much!) Luckily she has calmed down. Think part of her reaction was also to do with other things going on in her personal life at the time.

She has told me I need to have other interests etc so that I will cope when my DS leaves home (only child so will be a complete empty nest when he goes). Think DH will also suffer from empty nest syndrome as he struggled more than me whilst DS was away on a residential camp during the summer holidays!

“and we visited last weekend for parents weekend.”

Universities now have parents’ weekend?

I only have one child so I only had to go through this once.
It started around the age of fifteen or sixteen, when school holidays began to fill up with courses and visits to friends.
Don't expect your child to be home in the holidays. Really. They'll have other plans.
Twenty years later, it's ok. We're in touch most days. Everything is fine. But you need to make some kind of life for yourself.

Oh, also, the person you get back (infrequently and not for long) isn't the person you've just left at university. They change. But that's ok. We adapt.

DC went to boarding school whilst we were living overseas so we were quite used to not seeing them for 6 weeks at the time apart from Skype.
Youngest DS has just gone off to university and we are back living just 2 hours away.
However, both DH and I miss him like mad. He's only been gone one week and we have to literally stop ourselves from driving up to see him.
At least when he was at school we always knew where he was. Knew his friends and teachers, what he was eating and where he was playing rugby.
Now we never know where he is, who his new friends are. My DH worries that he doesn't go to lectures and is just out drinking every night and not eating properly.
Think we wont get through the next weekend without going up to see him. Will try and bribe him with a nice dinner.

My son has just gone back for his third year, it has flown by so quick I remember taking him to the halls for the first time like it was yesterday. I thought I would cry but I held it together. When he comes back he carries on living like the stereotypical messy student and it drives me mad ! He came home quite a bit the first 6 weeks (various social occasions) and I did really worry he wasnt settling in, but after that we didnt see him for ages. Its just a case of you getting used to not seeing him constantly you will be surprised how quickly you adjust.

Yeah it gets better.

Took me a while, maybe 6 months. I missed my daughter TERRIBLY when she went to uni, and I felt bereft, and sad, and really quite low.... But by the end of her second semester there (so say, by around March/April,) I had got used to it, and so had her dad (my DH.)

This was 7 years ago, and she has never lived at home since... She now lives with her boyfriend in another town 25 miles away, and we see her 2 or 3 times a month. (She visits us once a month and we visit her twice a month.)

We have a wonderful relationship, and love each other to bits, and we speak on the internet (twitter/facebook etc) 2 or 3 times a week..... But she has moved on with her life, she is a fully fledged adult, she has a long term relationship with someone she now lives with, she has a busy, successful, professional career, and a busy social life, and lots of friends, and I could not be more happy for her.

You will feel the same @daffodillament Maybe not by tomorrow, or even by next month, or even by Christmas, but it will get better soon, and you will learn to love the freedom, the lack of responsibilities, not being 'mum's taxi' anymore, having to do a lot less household chores and cooking, and the quiet and tidy house.

Also agree with the posters saying don't visit your son at uni!!!

I mean, if he ASKS you to - that's a different matter, but don't just turn up uninvited and unexpected.

@scaryteacher my sentiments exactly! DS1 has just returned from uni, having had an Erasmus year in between. Any visits or contact was initiated by him most of the time. In fact, we spent 2 Christmases in his uni town as he was working and studying and had to work on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day.

Now he's back we're having to negotiate house rules for him. He does have a job, thank goodness, but won't be able to move out for quite a while. DS2 has now moved out for an apprenticeship, further away than DS1 was.

OP please comfort yourself with the thought that this is what you've been encouraging DS towards. Let him go and spread his wings. Only go and visit at his instigation and don't go too often.

I am genuinely surprised by all of the posters saying don't visit unless DC suggests it. I would never have suggested it to my parents but I LOVED it when they visited every now and again! I think the secret is to keep the visit short and sweet and to bribe with nice food, money and treats.
I intend to visit DD when she goes next year - probably once, maybe even twice a term, depends how far away she is and how busy I am, and to take her out for shopping and nice treats. I am pretty confident that she will be happy to suffer the visit.

I was like you five years ago when DD1 went off to uni. I managed to hide it from her as we dropped her off but once back in the car and out of the uni grounds I was so glad that DH was there to drive as I would have made such a hash of it. I was in tears for much of the way home. I find it hard to explain. I was excited for her, happy for her, but sad about the hole she would leave at home now that she was, correctly, spreading her wings.

It does get better, I promise. The way you are feeling is totally natural. Your child has shared your life for 18 years at least. We found services such as WhatsApp absolutely invaluable, especially when DD went to spend the third year of her course abroad. There is no need to actually be out of contact at all if you don't want to be. Just be careful not to come across as clingy or too needy and you will be fine. Our messages were supportive and chatty as necessary. I so wish that something like that had been available in my own student days.

By all means look forward to the holidays and the occasional term time visit if that is what you and your DS want. Take your cues from him though.

My DD graduated last summer and now has a good graduate job in London. She now shares a flat near her work with a good friend she made at uni.

My DD2 did not go to uni and is still at a local college. DD3 will more than likely go to uni in another couple of years. I like to think that this time I will be much more prepared for it as I will have had practice. Who knows though? I am sure that the youngest leaving home will have some effect.

IloveJudgeJudy As we supported ds financially through uni, he had to call at least once a month to provide proof of life, as otherwise no allowance was forthcoming.

We popped in a couple of times in passing from Brussels to Devon, as he was just off the M25 for a pee and a tea, and I lefty my car outside his digs when I had marking meetings in London, and was combining that with bringing him home at the end of the academic year.

we did go and see him in June this year for a night as we were doing a whistle stop tour for our summer leave and took him out to eat. Apart form that, I've been to his digs for drop off/pick up, and to his university for his BA graduation.

He was back in the UK for sixth form, so university wasn't an issue, as we'd already made the leap. That was OK too as he went where I had been for sixth form, and he loved it as much as I did.

Chocatoo, I am surprised as well.

When I was a student I relished any visits I got from my family. There weren't many, but they were much appreciated. I was also not discouraged from going home for a weekend whenever I wanted to. In reality, I did leave it about a month before my first one, but I really couldn't wait to do it and would have been upset if I had been told not to. My parents' message was "you are welcome in this house at any time". It still is now, and I am 52.

We made two or three visits to DD1 at uni. Her younger sisters went to stay independently occasionally too. DD1 liked that, as did we all.

We also visited her in Paris during her year abroad. Why on earth not?

Times change! I got dropped off in Glasgow aged 18 and didn't come back til Christmas. No mobile phones then so maybe a couple of calls from the payphone a month and I think there might have been a couple of letters too.

My mum repainted my bedroom that night!

Thanks for the reassurance re my eight year old. I don't drive and we live on a major bus route so no taxi required. I know I'll be needed emotionally and financially, but I do look forward to having the luxury of time.

MorisZapp my room got painted as well. I came home at Christmas to "the spare room" and i have to say I was pretty devastated.

I am planning to redecorate DS's room, but I'll leave it until he's properly settled, and maybe even until his second year. I'd hate him to come home and feel like that

I think it depends on the child, like other posters have said. I have twins, and they may both be off to uni next year.

One is more extrovert and is always out - at sleepovers, parties, holidays with mates etc etc. I'm used to her not being around that much. Her sister is more of a homebird so I think I will miss her more as I'm used to her being around a lot more.

For you OP I was upset when DD1 started college in central London, not because I would miss her (of course I did but I was happy she was doing what she wanted to do) but because I was anxious she would be okay and would cope. As her halls were in a rough area quite a distance from college (5 tube stops) we had planned to do a dummy run on the tube on the Sunday we moved her into her digs, so she would know where she was going on the Monday. Frustratingly the Jubilee line was closed for maintenance work, so we walked - 45 minutes each way from halls to college and back! She didn't know a soul and students at her digs were from many different colleges, so she had no one to walk with the next day. We've always lived rurally so it was a shock for her to be thrown in like that. I had written her a card and slipped it under her duvet, just saying how proud we were of her and to make the most of all the wonderful opportunities that would present themselves. We were all in tears when we said goodbye, and then later she texted to say she had found the card and was in bits! The first couple of weeks were rocky but she settled and had an amazing time in London. We always joke she cried when we left her there and she cried when we brought her home!

Second DD is year 3 at Cardiff now. She's a big personality so the place is quiet without her, but to be honest DH and I love having the place to ourselves. The holidays come around quickly, and are very long, so we hardly have time to miss her, and we pop down to see her every now and again.

I do know parents who dread their DC leaving for uni' because it means they and their partner can no longer hide behind the children, and have to face their relationship with each other. Infact one friend is actively discouraging her DC from going to college in another town as she dreads being left alone with her DH!

I miss DS loads but I'm also so pleased that he has made it to Uni, that this outweighs my missing him emotions. I'm actually gobsmacked sometimes that he's made it!

We chat away on the phone, on snapchat, instagram etc - so i don't feel like he's gone forever and I'll never hear from him again.

I still have DD at home and I know in 2 years time, when it's just me, it will feel super weird BUT I'll be more pleased for them than I am sad for me - if that makes sense.

Plus I can smell freedom and I have so many plans for what I want to do outside of work, that I'm a bit excited for myself too!