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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to want to rehome 1 of our dogs before baby gets here?

152 replies

WaveEquation · 30/09/2018 08:44

So, we’ve got 3 dogs and our first baby on the way (due in January). Dog 1 is an ancient old bull terrier mix and the gentlest animal on the face of the earth; he was diagnosed with kidney failure two years ago and has held on with a modified diet but probably won’t make it until the baby comes. Dog 2 is a 9yo rescue greyhound and the absolute omega of the household; a very easy dog who just wants to be in the same room as you, preferably lying on the floor impersonating a carpet. Dog 3 is a lurcher we got a year ago to replace Dog 1, who seemed to be on his last legs even back then. We were told by the rescue charity that he had been a stray and had been rehomed once but was returned after 1.5 years due to destructive behaviour in the house, but needed a home with other dogs. It quickly became clear Dog 3 had been abused, as he was extremely fearful of my father-in-law (nipped him on the wrist when he tried to pet him) and cringes when you raise your arm, etc. He is also extremely aggressive towards dogs he doesn’t know well and lunges & barks ferociously on walks unless we actively avoid other dogs (and he’ll attack if any dog gets within range). Most of the time he likes Dogs 1 & 2 but he has drawn blood from them on about 6 occasions due to resource-guarding—food, toys, his bed, the sofa, and most recently the kitchen bin, which he sometimes gets into despite our best efforts to remember to keep the kitchen door shut. We’ve made huge efforts already to “fight-proof” our lifestyles by not having the dogs around our food, supervising who goes in which bed, etc., but it’s impossible to remove all the things he guards (I mean, poor old Dog 1 needs a bed for his old bones!). He absolutely adores people (except older men until he trusts them) and has been good with kids that he’s met, though he’s never met any under the age of about 5, and of course by that age they’re taller than he is so he clearly can see that they’re higher in the pecking order than he is.

My fear is that when the baby learns to crawl/walk, she’ll try to climb on the sofa or in his bed, or take a toy from him, or walk too close to the kitchen bin, etc., and he’ll bite her. My husband loves this dog to death and thinks we can just teach the baby not to do those things and “be vigilant” but I just don’t think that’s realistic—even one second of lack of vigilance at the wrong time could be a disaster! ...Or he might love the baby and have no issues because all his issues are with dogs. But how will we know unless we try, and how can we take that risk?

I’m all for rehoming the dog (the charity we got him from promises to take a dog back if needed, and I have 2 friends who’ve met the dog and would be willing to go through the charity to adopt him), or if my husband really won’t agree, crating the dog when the baby is around (though I feel this isn’t fair to the dog, who’s a lovely pet in the right circumstances).

What do you think? AIBU? Should we see how it goes? I don’t want to be the one my husband blames for making him give up his dog.

OP posts:
WaveEquation · 30/09/2018 11:03

I should add, we would always do all this through the charity. We know them well and have a good relationship with them, having volunteered there for a while as dog-walkers before we were able to get dogs of our own. It is important to us both not to violate our agreement to go through them.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/09/2018 11:04

As usual plenty of nastiness.

Plenty of people TTTC for over a decade!

Hindsight is a wonderful thing probably 90% of dogs for rehoming with that initial description would have been great unfortunately DDog3 is just too unpredictable and would more like flourish in a different environment.

He's from a no kill rescue and there is time to find him a more suitable home where DDog will be happier.

Thanks
WaveEquation · 30/09/2018 11:09

Didyouseetheflaresinthesky He has growled at me once when I gave him a lovely raw bone from the butcher and then tried to take it from him a while later. I was able to take it off him by distracting him with another treat. Other than that one time, no. But I remember that one time! Like the other PP with the rawhides, he hasn’t had a bone like that since (and neither have the others)!

OP posts:
Gabilan · 30/09/2018 11:13

Thanks Cantfindname.

Pebblespony · 30/09/2018 11:17

You will never have peace of mind unless you rehome him. And it sounds like he'll go somewhere good. I wouldn't hesitate in these circumstances.

Snowymountainsalways · 30/09/2018 11:18

Rehome your dog if there is even the very smallest chance you think he will be unsafe around your baby. The risk is too great. Someone else will love him and care for him.
It will be hard but better than dealing with an injured baby

SleepingStandingUp · 30/09/2018 11:19

OP baby isn't here yet, and won't be crawling til possibly this time next. I'd hold off. See how he is one she's here. None of the dogs should be in a room with baby without an adult. If it looks like dog is struggling with the baby or if you feel he'd lurch and go for her once she's mobile then take him back next summer. It'll be easier for DH too

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 30/09/2018 11:20

I am a huge soppy git when it comes to dogs but this is not a viable situation. Your husband needs to be realistic. You won't just need to be 'vigilant'. You will need to never take your eyes off baby/dog for a millisecond. What kind of life is that. I feel.sorry for dog 3, and also for you as it will obviously be an emotional decision. But he will probably be rehomed. You have to put yourselves first in this instance.

LittleMissMarker · 30/09/2018 11:29

Talk to the charity. Tell them the whole story - the amount of effort you have put into "fight-proofing", the attacks so far on people, the attacks on the other dogs, the biting and guarding.

It is not the dog's fault but this is not a safe dog to have around your baby. And you will get ill trying to keep your new baby and the rest of the household safe. You wont be able to maintain vigilance when you have awake all night with the baby.

You know what you need to do, and it would be much better to do it now. Maybe someone from the dog charity will talk sense into your DH.

HEIGhtstiAeR · 30/09/2018 11:30

Congratulations, OP. I've just had my sticky baby - pregnancy number five, baby number one. I know so much what you mean about the constant 'what if I have a baby' calculation and how miserable it is to live in waiting.

My daughter is only six weeks old, and my dog dotes on her. But we still have to constantly play cabbage with them.

My daughter was lying in bed kicking her little feet against our dog the other day - and while our dog didn't mind, other dogs might.

Our dog is visibly tired and a bit grumpy after we've had a bad night with the baby, and it's very clear to him that he's getting less cuddles and attention because of her.

You won't need to wait until your baby is a toddler for your dog to be a danger to her, so if he has a history of aggression I think you're making the right choice to rehome him.

Angrybird345 · 30/09/2018 11:31

Not worth the risk ...baby comes first, dog gets rehomed

LittleMissMarker · 30/09/2018 11:32

(PS I meant rehoming not anything more drastic!)

Branleuse · 30/09/2018 11:36

Id rehome the dog. It will be kindest for the whole family including the dog.
A dog needs a suitable home where its needs can be met. This doesnt sound compatible with your busy home. Of course it would be be better if youd have known a lot of this information before you took dog3 on, but you didnt and circumstances are about to get even more stressful for him, so I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to let one of your friends have him via the rescue.

Its not surprising some of the replies you have had here, because there are a lot of people that feel like dogs are equal in the household hierarchy and would probably give up one of their own kids before a dog, and of course you cant reason with that sort of mentality.
Do what you need to do

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 30/09/2018 11:44

Well OP , the way I see it (as a dog rehomer myself two years ago) is that if you have 2 friends more than willing to take Dog 3 , the go for it . I assume as well you would still see Dog when you visit said friends ? Does your DH know these friends ? He could still see Dog 3 if he would miss him so much .

It is hard OP, and I truly feel for you but you know it makes sense . I rehomed my dog to a relative who lives near the coast and who has 2 other dogs (one the same breed as my ex dog) and it was the best thing I could have done for her . She has a lovely life with her "pack".

Booboostwo · 30/09/2018 12:40

This is a very difficult situation but I think you are right to consider rehoming.

When DD was about a year old I got another puppy, we had two other dogs at the time. The puppy was difficult from the beginning in a way I have never seen before in a puppy (I have trained and competed dogs all my life). She took an immense dislike to one of the older dogs and kept attacking him for no obvious reason. She also resource guarded food away from the older dog. She wasn’t never aggresive towards humans but she bit me twice because I coincidentally got between her and the other dog as she lost the plot.

I tried for two years, with behaviourists and vets, and in the end rehomed her. She, and we, are much happier. A toddler cannot be safe around a dog that needs many special adaptations. You are lucky you have a good rehoming option, take it.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 30/09/2018 16:34

I think rehome, OP. You aren't proposing putting him down. Sometimes, it's just one of those things. It's all very well saying a dog is part of the family but sometimes a family doesn't work and it's not for lack of trying. How good a life can he possibly have under constant guard? How good a life can you have, trying to supervise 24/7 and always aware of where one or both of them are?

You'll all be happier with him living elsewhere and it's not out of a lack of love on anyone's part. Your current set up isn't sustainable.

straightjeans · 30/09/2018 19:15

It would be kinder to rehome the dog. You clearly don't have the right environment. He needs to be the only dog in the house, end of.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 30/09/2018 19:22

and of course by that age they’re taller than he is so he clearly can see that they’re higher in the pecking order than he is.

With respect, this sentence makes me think your knowledge of dog behaviour is limited at best.

As an absolute minimum I'd get a qualified and accredited behaviourist in (ask your vet for a referral) and go from there

Saltedcaramelcake · 30/09/2018 19:45

Get rid of the dog, anyone who has a dog around a small baby are gambling whether it has nipped or not. It's an animal at the end of the day, why would you risk your newborn being mauled to death?

My Aunty had a dog for years, very placid, we played with him as children. One day out of the blue he took a chunk out of her arm. Unprovoked. He was pts, she loved him but she cried that it could have been a child he'd done it to. Knowing that such a gentle dog could do that, I can't understand how people can trust dogs around babies and children.

Themidnightcircus · 30/09/2018 19:52

We put our dog down when the dc were small. A cocker... she went crazy. Couldn't trust her from snapping and it was a non starter. Pts.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 30/09/2018 19:54

YADNBU. If you're in even a fraction of a doubt the dog has to go. Even a cry could startle him and make him snap. It's certainly not unheard of for dogs to maul babies. Oh don't get me wrong He could surprise you and be fantastic with him/her.
However it's not a risk worth taking.

Wheresthel1ght · 30/09/2018 20:33

Op, I haven't read all the posts but I have read all of yours. A couple of things stand out.

You say a friend with a child is happy to take on the dog after staying with you and the dog and child bonding. Does that not offer you any reassurance of how the dog would react to your own child? Or more to the point do you not have the same fear rehoming him to a house with a child?

I sympathise, we took on a rescue dog in November 2012, a month later I discovered I was pregnant. Absolutely not planned,a very happy failure of 2 lots of contraception and 2 decades of being told I was infertile. The dog was very reactive, had attacked my dp when he tripped over its bed. However, she was as soft as shite with my dsc. That didn't stop me having a very bug wobble about whether we should keep her or rehome her in light of the baby.

After lots of agonising we decided to take the risk and keep the dog. Her and my dd were the best of pals. She never once harmed dd, in fact she used to sleep under dds cot and if dd murmured would come in and paw at us or bark to alert us.

We had to make the very hard choice to have the dog pts earlier this year. She had developed dementia and was attacking shadows, our younger dog and generally became to big a risk to everyone. The vet offered to have her rehome but I couldn't out another family at risk.

Only you know what you cam live with. But maybe don't class it immediately as the only option. You have admitted it was good with your friends son. What makes you so distrusting of it around a baby?

Hayles88 · 30/09/2018 20:37

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Oliversmumsarmy · 30/09/2018 21:06

Saltedcaramelcake So everyone who has a dog should ged rid of it when they have children.

Mine was a lovely girl who was the gentlest thing. I couldn’t even consider children if I had to get rid of my dog

Did your aunt not find out if there was something wrong with the dog or did she just jump to puts

1000channelsofcrap · 30/09/2018 21:07

Not RTFT as Mountaingoat has pissed me right off with ‘it’. Angry

Call you an “it” and dismiss your being, shall we?!

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