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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to want to rehome 1 of our dogs before baby gets here?

152 replies

WaveEquation · 30/09/2018 08:44

So, we’ve got 3 dogs and our first baby on the way (due in January). Dog 1 is an ancient old bull terrier mix and the gentlest animal on the face of the earth; he was diagnosed with kidney failure two years ago and has held on with a modified diet but probably won’t make it until the baby comes. Dog 2 is a 9yo rescue greyhound and the absolute omega of the household; a very easy dog who just wants to be in the same room as you, preferably lying on the floor impersonating a carpet. Dog 3 is a lurcher we got a year ago to replace Dog 1, who seemed to be on his last legs even back then. We were told by the rescue charity that he had been a stray and had been rehomed once but was returned after 1.5 years due to destructive behaviour in the house, but needed a home with other dogs. It quickly became clear Dog 3 had been abused, as he was extremely fearful of my father-in-law (nipped him on the wrist when he tried to pet him) and cringes when you raise your arm, etc. He is also extremely aggressive towards dogs he doesn’t know well and lunges & barks ferociously on walks unless we actively avoid other dogs (and he’ll attack if any dog gets within range). Most of the time he likes Dogs 1 & 2 but he has drawn blood from them on about 6 occasions due to resource-guarding—food, toys, his bed, the sofa, and most recently the kitchen bin, which he sometimes gets into despite our best efforts to remember to keep the kitchen door shut. We’ve made huge efforts already to “fight-proof” our lifestyles by not having the dogs around our food, supervising who goes in which bed, etc., but it’s impossible to remove all the things he guards (I mean, poor old Dog 1 needs a bed for his old bones!). He absolutely adores people (except older men until he trusts them) and has been good with kids that he’s met, though he’s never met any under the age of about 5, and of course by that age they’re taller than he is so he clearly can see that they’re higher in the pecking order than he is.

My fear is that when the baby learns to crawl/walk, she’ll try to climb on the sofa or in his bed, or take a toy from him, or walk too close to the kitchen bin, etc., and he’ll bite her. My husband loves this dog to death and thinks we can just teach the baby not to do those things and “be vigilant” but I just don’t think that’s realistic—even one second of lack of vigilance at the wrong time could be a disaster! ...Or he might love the baby and have no issues because all his issues are with dogs. But how will we know unless we try, and how can we take that risk?

I’m all for rehoming the dog (the charity we got him from promises to take a dog back if needed, and I have 2 friends who’ve met the dog and would be willing to go through the charity to adopt him), or if my husband really won’t agree, crating the dog when the baby is around (though I feel this isn’t fair to the dog, who’s a lovely pet in the right circumstances).

What do you think? AIBU? Should we see how it goes? I don’t want to be the one my husband blames for making him give up his dog.

OP posts:
mountaingoats93 · 30/09/2018 08:50

Get rid of it. I don’t care what the ‘how could you DO something to an animal like that?!’ brigade says. Mumsnet is full of people who believe you should keep dangerous pets around your children because they’re a life long commitment!!Confused

It’s too unpredictable to be around a baby.

AdoreTheBeach · 30/09/2018 08:55

That’s a tough one. I had dogs when my first was born. The dogs had never been around children let alone babies. The dogs, though, had no issues and all went wonderfully well. Think dog toys taken out of the mouth of the dogs. Climbing on them etc.

It will be massively difficult to manage watching the dog and baby all the time no matter how vigilant you are. Of course you could adopt the wait and see approach but that may mean something serious happening to the baby. So, unfortunately, however very sad about the dog and his history of already being trained, this may be the safest option

I would suggest speaking with the charity and seeing if there is some type of behavioural assessment they can do first or behavioural modification. Involve them now as there is time to work on issues. If they ultimately suggest rehoming, you already have people who know the dog lined up therefore could be a gradual introduction to a new home to limit stress on the dog if this is the route suggested.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/09/2018 09:00

Get rid of it? What a horrible thing to say.
OP obviously you're concerned about what will happen once your baby is crawling etc which is to be expected but given the dog is fearful/aggressive of other dogs and has been generally very good with people ( apart from FIL ) I would say hold fire.

Obviously you would be watching your dogs like a hawk any way and wouldn't be leaving them unattended with your baby, by the time he/she is crawling you will know how the dog reacts to him/her.

I wouldn't give up on this dog right now, I know I'll probably be the only one saying this but I don't think is behaviour so far warrants it.

applesandpears33 · 30/09/2018 09:01

I'd rehome the dog. You don't trust him around small children and it wouldn't be practical to keep him in a crate all the time a toddler is awake. I'm often against rehoming a dog, but you know he would be going to good friends who would take good care of him.

Holidayfromreal · 30/09/2018 09:04

Trouble is if you regime it now chances are it won't get rehomed a 3rd time, I wouldn't rescue a dog that had been returned twice already for being unpredictable. I'm not saying you should keep the dog but you should think about what realistically will happen to the dog.

Whereismumhiding2 · 30/09/2018 09:06

Re-home the dog. Since the charity will take him back and two friends want to adopt him. He was more behaviourally distressed when you got him, than had been known, you've changed your lives to accommodate and love him, but now with baby on the way, it's not possible for after baby's born.

Moving babies can't be taught immediately not to climb etc it's a slow process to teach toddlers and young children, they make a lot of mistakes on the way.

I think you're doing absolutely the right thing. It's too risky not to with Dog3. It sounds to me the re-home plan is out of love and wanting the best for Dog3.

minniemummy0 · 30/09/2018 09:06

I’d rehome without a doubt. There are the issues of how safe he will be with baby, but also he sounds like more commitment than is feasible whilst looking after your first baby. My dog is difficult (though nowhere near as difficult as yours, he’s just an extreme barker and lead-puller) and I’m sure the stress of dealing with it helped contribute to postnatal anxiety for me.

To be honest, I’m fast starting to believe pets are quite a burden when you are dealing with a newborn baby, even if you love them. I wouldn’t get rid of pets if I didn’t have to, but if I knew I was TTC, I wouldn’t recommend anyone get any new pets (unless they are really experienced and couldn’t imagine life without a dog for example).

Rainbowqueeen · 30/09/2018 09:07

In the circumstances you describe, I think you are perfect,y reasonable ego rehome the dog. You have friends willing to take him and your DH is not being realistic.

My only concern is how will dog number 2 feel when your house goes from 3 dogs to 1 dog??

MeanTangerine · 30/09/2018 09:09

Rehome it. It's not even a question of 'when the baby is walking'. The animal is unpredictable, history of biting... It is simply not worth the risk.
My opinion is formed largely in the basis of a serious case review of an incident in which a previously well-behaved and much-loved family pet mauled a weeks-old baby. Dogs obviously can be loving and fiercely protective of family members, but they are animals driven by instinct, they don't have morals and they don't understand the impact of what they do.

minniemummy0 · 30/09/2018 09:09

Holidayfromreal I know it sounds cold, but I personally think a dog being PTS is a far better outcome than a dog mauling a baby and then being PTS anyway. It really does sound a very real risk from the OP. :(

C0untDucku1a · 30/09/2018 09:11

Id rehome in those circumstances.

ElspethFlashman · 30/09/2018 09:12

In other words, your husband wants to gamble.

Tell him he can gamble with whomever he wants, except his own baby.

We had to rehome our rescue dog less than a month after bringing home a baby. Like you we thought we could be vigilant, and hoped it would be fine anyway.... After all, he'd never been a problem with kids. But it was. Turns out if dogs want to get to a baby they will. Our child was unharmed but probably would have been harmed before another month was out.

We were told that retraining would take months and may never be successful, and every day of that time we would be gambling with our baby's safety. So we rehome to a house with no kids.

It's just not worth it. And the rescue who rehome him made the point that life would be less stressful for the dog too.

SharedLife · 30/09/2018 09:12

You've done your best by them, but it sounds like they are too damaged to live in a family home. Very sad, but of course the safety if your baby comes first.

SuburbanRhonda · 30/09/2018 09:12

Mumsnet is full of people who believe you should keep dangerous pets around your children because they’re a life long commitment!!

Sure it is.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/09/2018 09:15

I know it sounds cold, but I personally think a dog being PTS is a far better outcome than a dog mauling a baby and then being PTS anyway. It really does sound a very real risk from the OP. sad

Yes just kill it now Hmm he is dog on dog aggressive that doesn't mean he shows aggression to humans, quite the opposite as the OP has already said that he loves people and is very good with them, even men once he gets to know them.

Agentornika · 30/09/2018 09:16

Bollocks. Mumsnet is full of people that think when getting a pet they should consider every eventuality, me included. Why take on the dogs if you know you're going to start a family?

VillageCats · 30/09/2018 09:16

He has bitten a human. You know this dog. We don't. You don't trust him. A new baby can be very stressful. I'd absolutely rehome him now and not after a crisis has happened.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/09/2018 09:18

You should have put this in the dog house OP, your responses would have been more reasoned.

weaselwords · 30/09/2018 09:19

Do you think you can rehome it? You are clearly an experienced dog owner who has done a lot to rehab this dog and it is still difficult to manage. In your shoes, I wouldn’t want it around a baby either, but your options may be very limited for rehoming.

LovelyGirlNOT · 30/09/2018 09:22

The 'fur baby' brigade on here will tell you "I hate it when people just get rid of a fur baby when a human baby comes along! How cruel...."

But, I wouldnt take any chances.

We rehomed a dog after she started showing signs of jealousy and aggression when our baby DS arrived. She'd make the noises she made when she saw rabbits when out walking. And if she caught one I saw what she did to those rabbits. Not something I wanted happening to my defenceless baby.

We just couldn't get the jealousy under control and she had to always be kept separate from the baby. But she'd often be caught sneaking to try to get to him (we had wooden floors and her nails would make noises, so she started learning to walk slowly and lightly so we couldn't hear her walking into whichever room the baby was in, when she thought we weren't around to see).

In the end, when D'S was around 4 months old and I was tired of living on edge, and the dog clearly wasn't happy any more (she started pissing and pooing in the house) we contacted the Blue Cross who were amazing.

The dog stayed with us until a suitable new family was found (none with babies), so she wasn't left alone in a shelter. She then went on several visits and walks with the prospective new family to see if they gelled. When all that went well and the family said they wanted to adopt her the Blue Cross then checked the new family's home to ensure it was dog-friendly and also vetted their finances to ensure they could afford her care.

She went to an amazing family with two kids of around 12/13 yrs old. They were a wealthy family and had their own land and an orchard for her to run around as often as she wanted. I got updates for a couple of weeks after to let me know she was settling in well and happy, as I genuinely wanted her to be happy.

I know I did the right thing.

Even though I miss her still, she just couldn't handle our new baby... this creature that was weaker, smaller but had somehow ended up ranking higher in the 'pack' than her. It was too dangerous to just hope she'd get used to it.

Treacletoots · 30/09/2018 09:22

The dog hasn't shown aggressive behaviour towards a child before has it OP?

Dogs aren't stupid. They don't randomly attack people for no reason. It's clearly been abused by a male and now associates that with being attacked, so responds in a defensive manner.

I have a baby and a dog. The dog adores the baby and has been her protector from day 1.

It's obviously your call, had the dog ever seriously mauled anyone for no reason? It will be likely months before baby can even be move enough to get near the dog a d hopefully in that time you will have built up trust. If at this point though his behaviour hasn't improved then review it at that point?

SuburbanRhonda · 30/09/2018 09:24

So you got Dog3, became aware “very quickly” (your words) that he had been abused and had behaviour problems, then decided to start a family?

Just rehome - you’re going to anyway. You won’t be the first person the rescue has seen who rehomes when a baby is due.

WaveEquation · 30/09/2018 09:25

Well the rescue charity are strictly no-kill. Their motto is that one of their dogs is theirs for life. So he wouldn’t be PTS. He is a gorgeous dog and I think if people were given all the info someone would want him. We just didn’t know what he was like when we got him.

I wish now in retrospect that we had held off getting another dog because we were TTC, but we didn’t because we thought Dog 2 would need the company (turns out she’s a bit scared of him and I think would rather he weren’t here!). It did cross my mind not to get Dog 3 for that reason, but we’ve been TTC for years with multiple miscarriages... I don’t know if any of you have ever been in that situation but for me, I felt like I had to stop making decisions based around “if we have a baby” because it was seeming more & more remote a possibility. I had this vision of us getting to our 50s, still childless, with our lives structured around a baby that never came. So we went ahead and got Dog 3 and of course 8 months afterwards I fell pregnant with one that stuck! I’m definitely not sad about that! And if it comes right down to it, I will choose baby over dog every time! I think DH will be the same when she arrives but at he moment, like all 1st time dads I think, she is a total abstraction to him.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/09/2018 09:29

Oh fuck off with your "fur baby" nonsense. I'm sick of reading online about people who get a dog and then as soon as they have a baby they rehome it because it growled, or the child is suddenly allergic to it or some other rubbish.

Why take on a dog that you think might have issues with a baby before you start ttc?

Juells · 30/09/2018 09:35

@Agentornika

Why take on the dogs if you know you're going to start a family?

Exactly. And a dog that had already been re-homed, so it could be fucked over even more.

I love the airy 'rehome' as well, as if it's the easiest thing in the world to find loving homes for abandoned and abused dogs.