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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to want to rehome 1 of our dogs before baby gets here?

152 replies

WaveEquation · 30/09/2018 08:44

So, we’ve got 3 dogs and our first baby on the way (due in January). Dog 1 is an ancient old bull terrier mix and the gentlest animal on the face of the earth; he was diagnosed with kidney failure two years ago and has held on with a modified diet but probably won’t make it until the baby comes. Dog 2 is a 9yo rescue greyhound and the absolute omega of the household; a very easy dog who just wants to be in the same room as you, preferably lying on the floor impersonating a carpet. Dog 3 is a lurcher we got a year ago to replace Dog 1, who seemed to be on his last legs even back then. We were told by the rescue charity that he had been a stray and had been rehomed once but was returned after 1.5 years due to destructive behaviour in the house, but needed a home with other dogs. It quickly became clear Dog 3 had been abused, as he was extremely fearful of my father-in-law (nipped him on the wrist when he tried to pet him) and cringes when you raise your arm, etc. He is also extremely aggressive towards dogs he doesn’t know well and lunges & barks ferociously on walks unless we actively avoid other dogs (and he’ll attack if any dog gets within range). Most of the time he likes Dogs 1 & 2 but he has drawn blood from them on about 6 occasions due to resource-guarding—food, toys, his bed, the sofa, and most recently the kitchen bin, which he sometimes gets into despite our best efforts to remember to keep the kitchen door shut. We’ve made huge efforts already to “fight-proof” our lifestyles by not having the dogs around our food, supervising who goes in which bed, etc., but it’s impossible to remove all the things he guards (I mean, poor old Dog 1 needs a bed for his old bones!). He absolutely adores people (except older men until he trusts them) and has been good with kids that he’s met, though he’s never met any under the age of about 5, and of course by that age they’re taller than he is so he clearly can see that they’re higher in the pecking order than he is.

My fear is that when the baby learns to crawl/walk, she’ll try to climb on the sofa or in his bed, or take a toy from him, or walk too close to the kitchen bin, etc., and he’ll bite her. My husband loves this dog to death and thinks we can just teach the baby not to do those things and “be vigilant” but I just don’t think that’s realistic—even one second of lack of vigilance at the wrong time could be a disaster! ...Or he might love the baby and have no issues because all his issues are with dogs. But how will we know unless we try, and how can we take that risk?

I’m all for rehoming the dog (the charity we got him from promises to take a dog back if needed, and I have 2 friends who’ve met the dog and would be willing to go through the charity to adopt him), or if my husband really won’t agree, crating the dog when the baby is around (though I feel this isn’t fair to the dog, who’s a lovely pet in the right circumstances).

What do you think? AIBU? Should we see how it goes? I don’t want to be the one my husband blames for making him give up his dog.

OP posts:
Pissedoffdotcom · 30/09/2018 09:56

Not calling you stupid btw OP. Usually these posts are written by idiots who want to rehome the dog for stupid, selfish, irresponsible reasons. This one i agree 100% with; your dog is too unpredictable to have around a young baby.

MauraIsles · 30/09/2018 09:57

I don’t think you can take a chance here OP, rehiring is the best option. My parents bought home a rescue dog when I was around 5 yo, she’d been abandoned and knocked over and the RSPCA found her, nursed her back to health and we adopted her, she was a lovely jack Russell cross and we adored her, she had a lovely temperament and never showed any aggression until one day I went to stroke her, she lunged at me and bit me on the face. We doted on her, and my P’s were distraught at what had happened, but decided that now she’d shown aggression towards a child (they had to also take into consideration my younger DS who was around 2 at the time) they couldn’t trust that it wouldn’t happen again, so she was taken back to RSPCA! Even though I was young at the time I can still remember it, it affected me and I was terrified of dogs for years after that! I think you are making the right decision to rehome OP, you just don’t know what will happen, our dog never showed aggression, but bit me, your dog has a previous history of aggression so I think you’re doing the right thing!

Rudi44 · 30/09/2018 09:59

Get rid of it
How vile, this is a living creature. You don’t need to use such emotive language.

Whilst I am normally an advocate for sticking with it I really think in this situation it would be in the dogs best interest to be placed in a new home. I am not convinced that he should be in a home with other dogs and he may be happier being the only dog in the home

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2018 10:00

No way would I have a previously abused rescue dog around a baby or young child. Fils dog had to be kennelled when we visited as I didn’t trust it. It was frightened and unpredictable.. Dd loved dogs and out old dog loved dd and I wasn’t putting her in danger as a baby or even a 6 yo.

You chose a dog, which clearly wasn’t a match in the first place. I’m glad to see you’ve educated yourself on dog behaviour since then. Unfortunately all of your dogs are collateral damage in this situation. The two elder for being bullied and the younger for needing to be rehomed again.

Before relinquishing him to the dog sanctuary, I think you should talk to them. They may have rules about the number to times a dog can be rehomed. If you send him back he may be stuck there. In which case I would do this privately and pay for a private dog behaviourist to assist on the rehoming.

I understand you have been through a very emotional time with multiple miscarriages and I’m not going to pile on judgment. You made a costly mistake and now you want to rectify it.

Good luck with your pregnancy. Flowers

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 30/09/2018 10:02

I'll say first off , I am very much a believer that when you get an animal you keep it until it draws its last breath.

But the life your (very misguided , I would actually say stupid) DH suggests would be grim for that poor dog .

Keeping him away from basically everything , crating him.
His life would be so restricted .

Definately contact the Rescue and get your friends who will take him on to contact them.
They might be willing to transfer him from you-to-them as a foster ? Might avoid him the stress of going into Rescue again.

You're getting a load of flack, but it is commendable that you're thinking ahead.

Kim1010 · 30/09/2018 10:03

Definitely re home to the charity for the dogs sake as well as your baby's .
The dog should get a home without children and they will hopefully have the time to give the dog the settling and training he may need ...

Oysterbabe · 30/09/2018 10:04

You can't keep the dog, you know that.

adaline · 30/09/2018 10:08

Normally I'm of the mindset that a pet is for life.

But you can't keep an unpredictable dog in the house with a newborn. It's not fair on either you, the baby or the dog. You'll spend your entire life worrying about the dog and you won't enjoy your baby.

I think rehoming is the best decision for everyone. This dog has a history of biting - is your husband really willing to take that risk with his newborn?

Chesterfieldsofa · 30/09/2018 10:09

You made a commitment to look after this dog, you're probably it's 5th or 6th home - (puppy, home/stray, rescue, home, rescue, you). I can't believe you're thinking of passing him back to the rescue, to be re-homed for a 7th/8th time. Show some responsibility and be brave enough to take the consequences of failing to care for him adequately and call a (female) vet out and have him PTS. He is your problem, deal with it, don't pass him on again.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/09/2018 10:10

Ask this to be moved to the dog house OP. You will get sensible and honest advice, of course you were only going to get the majority of posters saying get rid posting in AIBU!

mama17 · 30/09/2018 10:11

My dog was similar to the dog your describing. He was a rescue and badly abused and had never (that I know of) been around babies. I now have two children and he has been absolutely brilliant with them they are now 1 and 3. It's hard because you really don't know how the dog is going to take it. If I was you I would try and keep them separate and introduce slowly, then the dog will get used to your child. Good luck x

Thesearmsofmine · 30/09/2018 10:12

I would contact the charity and look into rehoming him with your friends. You have time before baby arrives so it can be a gradual process.

Your DH has very unrealistic expectations of babies and toddlers and it sounds like it would be a miserable life for the dog if you kept it.

Gabilan · 30/09/2018 10:19

Are some people missing this bit? (the charity we got him from promises to take a dog back if needed, and I have 2 friends who’ve met the dog and would be willing to go through the charity to adopt him)

I would contact them and talk it through OP. The other thing I would suggest is finding some more up to date sources on dog behaviour and shifting away from viewing it as dominance within a pecking order. Those ideas have been discredited for a good 20 years, if not more. That aside, I would be aiming to rehome. I would not risk a baby around this dog. We can argue about whether or not you should even have taken him on, but by now that's beside the point. He's a potential risk to your child - it just isn't the kind of thing you gamble with.

bertielab · 30/09/2018 10:25

If your friends want to rehome the dog - why not just rehome to them -you can still see her. End of problem. I love my dogs -but my children come first. Any aggression they would be out. Having said that there is a dog bed in each room (huge ones that they can all pile into to and sleep together) -when on the dog bed - no child is allowed to touch them. You call them off. No growling would ever be tolerated.

RussellTheLoveMuscle · 30/09/2018 10:27

You have a fearful dog here. A dog who needs walking seperately to the other dogs while his dog reactivity (fear of other dogs) is worked on. A dog who is fearful of losing food/comfort resources (understandable when he may have had to fight for them in the past). Fear of people/men approaching or trying to touch him (understandable if he's been abused).
You need a qualified behaviourist who will explain why "rank reduction" techniques and the need for humans to be "dominant" over their dogs is outdated, incorrect and probably making an anxious dog even worse.
If you join Dog Training Advice And Support on facebook which is run by qualified behaviourists they will advise you and can put you in touch with a local behaviourist.
Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

cantfindname · 30/09/2018 10:27

Gabilan

The most sensible and reasoned post so far.

LuvSmallDogs · 30/09/2018 10:29

My friend adopted a mixed breed (cough, possibly part Pitt cough) from a shelter, then had to return it after a few months. It started off okay, then got more and more protective of its things, got snappy, bit her Aunt’s dog, and with her 4 y/o she decided it wasn’t worth the risk.

From what I’ve seen, dogs from shelters can come with issues that only start to really come out as they settle into a territory that’s really their’s. I don’t think I would ever adopt a big dog from a shelter for this reason - if a middle aged Yorkie tries to maul me, that’s very different to a middle aged rotti giving it a good go IYSWIM.

Rehome your dog, it’s not worth the risk. It’s hard enough with your first baby without the constant worry over what will happen if you forget to close a stairgate due to sleepiness.

Feefeetrixabelle · 30/09/2018 10:30

I think you should regime him temporarily with your friend who have offered. And then have him visit and see how he reintergrates once the the baby has arrived.

I’m glad your taking a responsible approach to this, dogs need the right home for them as much as they are part of the family it wouldn’t be fair on anyone if the situation goes wrong. But with planning and training it could work.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 30/09/2018 10:31

If your friends want to rehome the dog - why not just rehome to them -you can still see her. End of problem

That might be an option OP

Though morally and legally when you adopt from Rescue they are will always maintain the final say and you're not allowed to rehome without them approving .
I suppose its to prevent an animal changing hands over and over and end up God knows where. (Or you might find him dumped back on your doorstep )
But if you do contact them they might do a home check and approve it?

When you say a couple of friends is it two different homes that have offered or one house/two friends?.

Pissedoffdotcom · 30/09/2018 10:32

please ignore advice from a pp suggesting you rehome this dog privately. Private rehomes are a shitty idea for even the most placid of dogs, let alone a dog with such intricate issues!!!

Aprilislonggone · 30/09/2018 10:33

Op we fostered a Lurcher, had some issues similar to yours, got him a place in a recsue after much support from mn. He was rehomed and unfortunately nipped one of the dc on the face and she sent him back. He then had an emotional breakdown - so they told me as I had kept in touch regarding his progress - they had no option but to pts. Broke my heart tbh.
I would suggest your poor dog will meet the same fate. He has simply been through too much already.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/09/2018 10:33

If you fear that the dog will be dangerous and attack your baby for doing what babies do, and you cannot have eyes at the back of your head, I would rehome.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/09/2018 10:34

The environment might have suited your lurcher at the time, but throw a baby in the mix, it won't be the right environment anymore for an abused and nervous dog.

Sipperskipper · 30/09/2018 10:35

I agree you should try and rehome him. I love my dog so, so much, and he is the most gentle, loving soul you could meet, but I still found it stressful when DD was born, as I was so worried about them being alone for a split second.

I think rehoming this dog will be the best thing for everyone, as hard as it may be for you all.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/09/2018 10:35

Dogs Trust, or a local dog rescue would be ideal.