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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for not wanting to be my Bridesmaid’s Bridesmaid?

298 replies

MrsEfff · 30/09/2018 07:35

Apologies if this is a little long, I’m feeling ranty Grin This is a bit about the above and a bit about social expectations around this kind of thing in general.

Background: My friend just assumed that I would be one of her bridesmaids (I found out when I got informed what day we were going BM dress shopping!), and I have gently advised that it won’t be possible. Despite how rude I found her assumption she is ordinarily a very well-intentioned person and I didn’t actually want to hurt her. She has other bridesmaids already so I’m not leaving her devoid of assistance.

I know for some the answer will be an automatic ‘YABU’ - I’ve had that reaction from most people already. This is why I’m asking really, I am aware that I’m considered quite selfish with my time and energy (bonafide introvert) but I didn’t think my opinion on this particular topic was so unusual?! Men and women alike have GASPED in horror when I said I didn’t want to be my bridesmaid’s bridesmaid.

I’d happily never be a bridesmaid again to be honest, but also I’m only a few months out of my own wedding and just want to enjoy being a newlywed with no damn ‘wedmin’ to deal with.

I also saw a comment on a wedding/baby thread yesterday (not meaning to offend anyone involved with this reference) implying that the friend wasn’t good because ‘they probably felt they’d done weddings’ - and I thought, well yes, she has done her wedding and she is under no obligation to ‘do’ anyone else’s?? Traditionally bridesmaids were unmarried women, acknowledging that married women were now onto the next chapter of their lives! I’m not saying it should have to be that way, but when did prioritising your own next chapter become wrong?

I expect that friends will generally be happy for me when I announce that something I want is happening, but I certainly do not expect them to go bananas or be involved. If I invite them be involved I’m content with being turned down. I decided to have a bridesmaid for practical purposes and I asked only what was necessary of her as I feel that being a bridesmaid is doing someone a real favour, she also got a choice in everything, which we paid for, for the same reason.

Is this really so odd? To believe that no one is obliged to dedicate themselves to your life event unless they are literally involved (eg; your fiancé)?

I’m delighted for her, looking forward to the wedding (if I get an invitation now!), have said I’m happy to offer advice, have thought of a great gift etc, but I just don’t want to be a flippin’ bridesmaid and I don’t see why that’s such a scandal.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
SheWoreBlueVelvet · 30/09/2018 10:13

sitranched more that the reason was shit. Especially that friend has just done the Ops one.
No one would have said she was unreasonable if she was going through trauma or had too much at work on or even pregnancy . Op has no reason other than she doesn't fancy it.

bridgetreilly · 30/09/2018 10:13

I definitely think she should have asked, not just assumed, but tbh, I think it's pretty rude not to accept in the circumstances.

batshitbetty · 30/09/2018 10:24

Yes you are definitely being unreasonable - you have basically just said you can't be arsed to support her but expected her to support you at your wedding? How bloody selfish

Gazelda · 30/09/2018 10:24

I read this as 'My friend was involved with my life event, but I don't want to be involved with hers because I've done with that wedmin stuff now.'.

What about when you have a baby first, won't you want to be involved with her pregnancy and trials and tribulations of having a baby?

Or if you are Ill, she supports you, drives you around, cooks casseroles, gives tea and sympathy. But you don't want to return the favour if she is ever ill.

Or a relationship breakdown. Or a bereavement. Or, or, or ....

Cos that isn't how friendships should work.

mothersanonymous · 30/09/2018 10:30

If I were the friend I'd be hurt, but I wouldn't want a bridesmaid who didn't want to be there.

twoundertwo54321 · 30/09/2018 10:38

Call me crazy but I thought it was an honour to be asked to be a best friends bridesmaid? Also how crazy have weddings got that it's such a big effort - I've been a bridesmaid five times and all I have ever had to do was wear a nice dress and get pissed and have a good time at the party. Get over yourself!

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 30/09/2018 10:39

YABU and extremely selfish. You are pretending to be her friend, when really you’re not at all interested in putting in any work. You used her for your own shindig and now you’re dropping her when she needs you.

Awful behaviour from you, OP.

Thatssomebadhatharry · 30/09/2018 10:42

Concentrate on being a newly wed. You mean you don’t want to focus on someone else’s wedding as this means everything isn’t about me anymore. You are right nobody gives a fuck about your wedding anymore in fact some of the people who attended didn’t either. Get over it.
Tbf you are doing her a favour saying no maybe do her a bigger favour and don’t be friends anymore, I bet your me me me attitude is really draining.

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 30/09/2018 10:42

The OP doesn't have to be bridesmaid or even to want to and decline, but a good friend wouldn't be indignant or annoyed at being asked.

That's how her opening post sounds, very me me me. I did this, i feel this, she should have known better then to ask me I'm annoyed at her presumption, I'm a busy person in a different stage of my life..

Had her op just been 'aibu? My friend was my bridesmaid and has asked me to be hers, i want to decline because i dont gave time to commit to it and give her the support she deserves.' Then i think the majority would be yanbu, however OP made it all about her and her annoyance at being asked, as though it were an imposition to have someone request. Its not like the bride threw a wobbly and screamed at her demanding.

thecatsthecats · 30/09/2018 10:44

don't get it, the usual mn verdict would be 'a wedding invitation isn't a summons' but yet somehow being a bridesmaid is

And that is why that unnuanced declaration is bloody meaningless.

If OP had come here giving reasons such as my bridesmaids have above - e.g. father seriously ill hundreds of miles away, doesn't feel able to take part etc, she'd have great sympathy and suggestions about how to explain it.

Instead she smugly declared that her newlywed life was more important than contributing anything to her friend's wedding, and she seems rather self satisfied in her talk of the bride 'assuming' she'd be bridesmaid to her.

Think about it. OP means enough to this woman that she thought it was so obvious that she'd want her as a bridesmaid that she didn't need to ask. Unfortunately, she's discovered that she means less than a couple of shopping trips.

Ohluckyme · 30/09/2018 10:44

Nothing wrong with not being a bridesmaid. It’s all nonsense anyway. Bridesmaids do fuck all but get pissed at the hen party and walk down the aisle.

Feb2018mumma · 30/09/2018 10:45

I've been married a year and a half, being a newly wed is exactly the same as having a boyfriend? Am I missing something? I am sorry if I am but I am just so confused? I was a bridesmaid with a new baby within a year of my wedding so I am not in the same position I don't think? It's such a nice thing to be asked as you are so important to your friend, too late now but it is a honor in my eyes :)

EK36 · 30/09/2018 10:51

MawkishTwaddle
Completely agree with you.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 30/09/2018 10:53

don't get it, the usual mn verdict would be 'a wedding invitation isn't a summons' but yet somehow being a bridesmaid is

This is always in response to a potential wedding guest who has very legitimate reasons not to attend a wedding (e.g. it's an expensive wedding abroad, they're likely to be in labour, the bride punched them in the face etc.).

If someone said my best friend is getting married but I'd rather stay in and watch Netflix because I'm not going to be the centre of attention at someone else's wedding you wouldn't get the same response.

If someone asks you to do a favour you don't have to say yes if they're not a close friend or it would be very difficult for you etc. If someone does you a favour then asks for you to do the exact same favour for them and you have no particular reason not to of course you say yes.

TheBeatGoesOnandOn · 30/09/2018 10:54

It all depends how you came across telling her no. If you said 'Thanks for asking me I'm honoured but I'd like to focus on X and myself settling down at the moment. If you fancy a chat or ideas though I'm happy to help and of course would love to see you both get married!' I don't think YABU. Obviously if he flatly said no, why would I want to etc thenYABU as you'd be being rude without reason.

She probably thought that you'd love to do it as she was your only bridesmaid and therefore thought it's only right to return the favour.

Flyaway78 · 30/09/2018 10:54

This has got to be a joke. No-one is this horrible.

Matilda15 · 30/09/2018 11:02

You sound less introverted and more incredibly selfish.

At least I can now pinpoint what ended my marriage. I didn’t stop everything to concentrate on being a newlywed and sometimes still spent time with friends so thanks for the enlightening.

Thisimmortalcurl · 30/09/2018 11:09

Yep you are being selfish ... and you know it!

Bond0O7 · 30/09/2018 11:49

Sorry but you are a major CF 🤣 and if she did this to you at your wedding how would you feel if she just couldn't be bothered!?

AGHHHH · 30/09/2018 11:53

You sound really selfish. :)

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 30/09/2018 11:57

I'd understand a single women not wanting to be a BM due to jealousy and possible inferiority. However you've had your day so
Yes YABU

loveka · 30/09/2018 12:00

All you have to do is be suportive on the day and put a nice frock on, surely?

Or did you expect more than this from your bridesmaids?

I think you are being at best selfish, at worst ratherr mean.

SerenDippitty · 30/09/2018 12:06

I think you are being a bit selfish. I would have been delighted to be maid of honour for my bridesmaid but I wasn’t even invited to the wedding. Still stings a bit after all these years.

VimFuego101 · 30/09/2018 12:12

YABU for saying 'wedmin'.

I snorted at 'I want to enjoy being a newlywed'... I'm imagining you sitting in a messy house refusing to clean anything or go to work because you're too busy enjoying your newly married status.

I don't think you are obliged to be a bridesmaid but if she was for you, you do owe her some help and support in the lead up to her wedding. You sound a bit precious.

TheCakeCrusader · 30/09/2018 12:13

Did you actually write your thread OP with any real interest to a possible change of heart should the majority of posters wrote that ywbu?

Somehow, I get the feeling that you don’t actually give a toss if you’re told yabu, you appear to have already made your mind up with no intention of changing that perspective other than to potentially bask in the very very few posts that say you were being reasonable! (and even most of those still say you’re a crap friend!).

Whilst you are entitled to say no to being a bridesmaid, your rubbish excuses for not being one for your friend given that she supported you on your wedding day are very poor.

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