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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for not wanting to be my Bridesmaid’s Bridesmaid?

298 replies

MrsEfff · 30/09/2018 07:35

Apologies if this is a little long, I’m feeling ranty Grin This is a bit about the above and a bit about social expectations around this kind of thing in general.

Background: My friend just assumed that I would be one of her bridesmaids (I found out when I got informed what day we were going BM dress shopping!), and I have gently advised that it won’t be possible. Despite how rude I found her assumption she is ordinarily a very well-intentioned person and I didn’t actually want to hurt her. She has other bridesmaids already so I’m not leaving her devoid of assistance.

I know for some the answer will be an automatic ‘YABU’ - I’ve had that reaction from most people already. This is why I’m asking really, I am aware that I’m considered quite selfish with my time and energy (bonafide introvert) but I didn’t think my opinion on this particular topic was so unusual?! Men and women alike have GASPED in horror when I said I didn’t want to be my bridesmaid’s bridesmaid.

I’d happily never be a bridesmaid again to be honest, but also I’m only a few months out of my own wedding and just want to enjoy being a newlywed with no damn ‘wedmin’ to deal with.

I also saw a comment on a wedding/baby thread yesterday (not meaning to offend anyone involved with this reference) implying that the friend wasn’t good because ‘they probably felt they’d done weddings’ - and I thought, well yes, she has done her wedding and she is under no obligation to ‘do’ anyone else’s?? Traditionally bridesmaids were unmarried women, acknowledging that married women were now onto the next chapter of their lives! I’m not saying it should have to be that way, but when did prioritising your own next chapter become wrong?

I expect that friends will generally be happy for me when I announce that something I want is happening, but I certainly do not expect them to go bananas or be involved. If I invite them be involved I’m content with being turned down. I decided to have a bridesmaid for practical purposes and I asked only what was necessary of her as I feel that being a bridesmaid is doing someone a real favour, she also got a choice in everything, which we paid for, for the same reason.

Is this really so odd? To believe that no one is obliged to dedicate themselves to your life event unless they are literally involved (eg; your fiancé)?

I’m delighted for her, looking forward to the wedding (if I get an invitation now!), have said I’m happy to offer advice, have thought of a great gift etc, but I just don’t want to be a flippin’ bridesmaid and I don’t see why that’s such a scandal.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
GingerFrogs · 30/09/2018 09:22

@Doilooklikeatourist that's fine to not want adults as bridesmaids. But op herself had adult bridesmaid! So that reason can't really wash with her.

Singlenotsingle · 30/09/2018 09:22

You should be flattered that she thinks so much of you that she invited you to be a bridesmaid! I get the feeling that you are getting a bit of a buzz by turning her down. "I'm so busy and much too important to spend my valuable time helping you!" Biscuit

toomanyeastereggsurghh · 30/09/2018 09:23

Of course YABU! And very selfish! Do you understand at all what it means to be a friend? She was your friend and agreed to be a bridesmaid for you and did things the way you wanted (maybe she wanted to throw you a hen do but knew you didn’t want one), but you are not prepared to put yourself out just a bit to be her bridesmaid? because you’re “done with weddings”?! You are really not a good friend!

If I was this woman I would see you in a whole new light because of this. Don’t expect to have a close friendship after this.

Tahani · 30/09/2018 09:23

yes you can say no, however, you've have your all-about-you time, and now its time for her

if you say no, prepare to lose her as a friend, as you dont deserve her

Whisky2014 · 30/09/2018 09:25

Yabu. Would you have been her BM if she was first to be married?

LotsToThinkOf · 30/09/2018 09:26

Of course you can turn down the role of being a bridesmaid, but this situation is not as straight forward as that.

She's just been your bridesmaid, she supported you in moving on to the next chapter of your life. You say that your wedding was low key but clearly not that low key if it's made you sick of weddings.

By all means tell your friend that you want to enjoy being a newly wed, you're busy etc etc. It doesn't matter which way you put it though, each of your reasons sounds like 'I can't be arsed' or 'I won't be the focus of attention so I'm not doing it'.

And then do your friend a favour and leave her alone to enjoy her wedding preparations with her real friends. If she hadn't just supported you then you could probably be forgiven, but absolutely not in this situation.

burnoutbabe · 30/09/2018 09:26

I get what you are trying to say. For example it could be that
You had a bridesmaid who just had to turn up on the day and you arranged a dress.
She wants a whole bride tribe who have to attend many wedding pre events, big expensive holiday abroad, have to do lots of crafting for the bride and buy their own dress. If that's the case I see why you don't fancy that and it's not the equivalent of what people did for you. (A lot of people would want to turn down that second sort of role but only know it will be like that once accepted and far down the line)

househunthappening · 30/09/2018 09:26

Your friend has supported you for your wedding and now she would like the same support for hers. I would be really upset if my friend did that to me.

I only had one adult bridesmaid who isn't married, but if she does get engaged I'd be only too delighted to be able to do for her what she did for me.

jackio2205 · 30/09/2018 09:27

I totally get your point of view, I think there are a lot of people deep down feel like that. Truth be told though, just because that's how you feel doesn't mean you should act upon it, that is being selfish and you've said you know it. It might be the thing you want to do, but it's not what you should do, especially to a friend. But then.... do you consider her a friend? Even if you don't consider her a friend, to cause upset for someone in the run up to their wedding.... that would be just spiteful, just suck it up, give your friend the best day that every bride deserves and that I'm sure you had! Xxx

PollyFlinderz · 30/09/2018 09:28

This reply has been deleted

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BewareOfDragons · 30/09/2018 09:29

I decided to have a bridesmaid for practical purposes and I asked only what was necessary of her as I feel that being a bridesmaid is doing someone a real favour, she also got a choice in everything, which we paid for, for the same reason.

So it was ok for you to have a bridesmaid for 'practical purposes', but you refuse to do the same for your friend (in an otherwise reasonable wedding scenario ... not huge expenditures out of your own pocket, far away expensive destination that requires you to use up a lot of holiday time, etc).

You don't sound very nice, tbh. Even with your update. It comes across as 'I got mine, but fuck you getting yours. But I still want to come and dine and party at your expense.'

thecatsthecats · 30/09/2018 09:29

Getting married in six weeks. Iust be the worst according to the OP, because my bridesmaids comprise:

  • a (gasp) newlywed
  • a woman whose father was diagnosed with leukaemia early in the process
  • my increasingly pregnant and now first time mum sister

Funnily enough my first bridesmaid on the list squeezed in the time between being a newly wed to express awe at how well the other two are managing to balance their own lives with their wedding duties.

I am supporting them, they are supporting me. I haven't asked much - pick a dress each, do the hen. They ask for more tasks, more responsibility, more involvement than I can think up to give them.

You may regret giving your support when you have something in life you actually need to deal with.

Starlight345 · 30/09/2018 09:29

Are you planning to become a stepford wife ? Otherwise I fail to see what you have to do that means you can’t find time to support your friend.

Yabu and very selfish.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/09/2018 09:29

What exactly would you have to do as a bridesmaid, other than turn up, put on a dress, make a fuss of the br ide on the d ay? Maybe shopping with her once or twice?
There are other bridesmaids so whatever it is won't all be down to you.
If you want to retain the friendship then you'll have to go along with it, but it's not really such a big ask.

EK36 · 30/09/2018 09:30

Traditionally bridesmaids aren't supposed to be married. Think it's okay to turn it down on that basis.

C0untDucku1a · 30/09/2018 09:31

Yes society has social expectations. That’s what makes societies work. People not doing what is expected of them in society is what causes problems. And why we have laws and consequences; to encourage those people to do as expected.

My sister stated planning a wedding shortly after i got married. I turned down being a bm because i was ttc and her date i expected to be heavily pg. she wasnt arsed.

Your reason just sounds... a little...
I’m now superior.

user1483387154 · 30/09/2018 09:31

Very selfish and not a good friend. Being an introvert has nothing to do with your poor attitude

Starlight345 · 30/09/2018 09:32

Yes@thecatstgecats what if you want support and she is newly wedded?

Allineedyoutodois · 30/09/2018 09:33

YAbu. If you a had a really good reason, like Gavin a holiday booked for the date of the wedding then that would be fine. Bit not being arsed after she has don’t the same for you isn’t on.

LifeInPlastic · 30/09/2018 09:33

YABU and very selfish. You can’t be arsed to do ‘wedmin’, but expected her to do it for you? You are coming across as a bit of a cow.

shockthemonkey · 30/09/2018 09:34

It really was not rude of your friend to assume you’d be BM since for most people it is an honour rarely bestowed and the usual reaction would be glad and immediate acceptance.
Now that you’ve turned her down, the damage has been done and even though the idea of refusing makes most people cringe, you could not now salvage the relationship by going back and saying “yes well on second thoughts I’ll do it”.
So YABUnusual but there’s nothing much to be done about your friendship now...

PecanPastry · 30/09/2018 09:34

YABU I'm also quite surprised that you asked someone to be your bridesmaid whom you wouldn't feel comfortable in reciprocating - not that that should ever be an automatic assumption, I hasten to add.

I think that, unbeknownst, you have taken the shine off of the duty she fulfilled as your bridesmaid.

If you really value this friendship then I'd work hard on damage limitation, as you will already have put some oil in the ointment.

You've acknowledged that you are already seen as being quite selfish with your time and energy, in fact you sound almost proud of this - these are not attractive qualities, I think you need to work on this.

You also sound very self absorbed, your wedding day was all about you, it's great to be caught up in newlywed bliss, but this should be something shared between you and your Husband and not used as an excuse to not do things, you need to know when to stop milking the cow - I've a friend who got married 6 months ago and every week, month, thereafter she has posted on Facebook that it's been 1 week, 1 month, etc. I'm thrilled for her she was so happy but I fear we are going to have these updates up until the 1 year anniversary and beyond....

thecatsthecats · 30/09/2018 09:35

EK

And that is why the word tradition is banned in my wedding. Traditions around weddings are the very definition of made up, antiquated and usually misogynistic shite and using either tradition or aesthetics as a reason to make someone feel bad is the definition of shitty, unimaginative behaviour.

AnoukSpirit · 30/09/2018 09:36

Lol, traditionally weddings were about one man transferring ownership of a chattel to another man.

So unless you followed that tradition you can bore off with using tradition to justify shitty behaviour.

RangeRider · 30/09/2018 09:37

I do think I’m being UNSELFISH in turning her down, she should absolutely have BM’s who can commit to her wedding in the way that she wants and needs
I actually agree with this. I can't see the problem if OP explains it to her friend. Friend's wedding is obviously going to be a big deal to her and if she's going for a much bigger, fancier one and needs that much more BM input then surely it's better to go for people who are better suited to throwing themselves into it and who enjoy that kind of thing? It wouldn't be much fun for friend if she had BMs who just weren't that type of person - OP could fake it but it would still be obvious because there's a difference between it coming naturally to you to being all singing, all dancing type of people and not all but trying hard types.
Word it right and I can't see the problem. But then I'm not the traditional MNer who likes to jump in en-masse and give someone a good kicking just because they can. There are ways of saying you disagree politely and a lot of people on this thread have missed them by miles. And as for calling OP a cunt, well I think that says rather more about that poster's character than it does about OP. Hmm