for not wanting to be my Bridesmaid’s Bridesmaid?

[MrsEfff]

Apologies if this is a little long, I’m feeling ranty This is a bit about the above and a bit about social expectations around this kind of thing in general.

Background: My friend just assumed that I would be one of her bridesmaids (I found out when I got informed what day we were going BM dress shopping!), and I have gently advised that it won’t be possible. Despite how rude I found her assumption she is ordinarily a very well-intentioned person and I didn’t actually want to hurt her. She has other bridesmaids already so I’m not leaving her devoid of assistance.

I know for some the answer will be an automatic ‘YABU’ - I’ve had that reaction from most people already. This is why I’m asking really, I am aware that I’m considered quite selfish with my time and energy (bonafide introvert) but I didn’t think my opinion on this particular topic was so unusual?! Men and women alike have GASPED in horror when I said I didn’t want to be my bridesmaid’s bridesmaid.

I’d happily never be a bridesmaid again to be honest, but also I’m only a few months out of my own wedding and just want to enjoy being a newlywed with no damn ‘wedmin’ to deal with.

I also saw a comment on a wedding/baby thread yesterday (not meaning to offend anyone involved with this reference) implying that the friend wasn’t good because ‘they probably felt they’d done weddings’ - and I thought, well yes, she has done her wedding and she is under no obligation to ‘do’ anyone else’s?? Traditionally bridesmaids were unmarried women, acknowledging that married women were now onto the next chapter of their lives! I’m not saying it should have to be that way, but when did prioritising your own next chapter become wrong?

I expect that friends will generally be happy for me when I announce that something I want is happening, but I certainly do not expect them to go bananas or be involved. If I invite them be involved I’m content with being turned down. I decided to have a bridesmaid for practical purposes and I asked only what was necessary of her as I feel that being a bridesmaid is doing someone a real favour, she also got a choice in everything, which we paid for, for the same reason.

Is this really so odd? To believe that no one is obliged to dedicate themselves to your life event unless they are literally involved (eg; your fiancé)?

I’m delighted for her, looking forward to the wedding (if I get an invitation now!), have said I’m happy to offer advice, have thought of a great gift etc, but I just don’t want to be a flippin’ bridesmaid and I don’t see why that’s such a scandal.

Thoughts?

....and don't hold out on the invite, if you do get one, it will only be through etiquette - side note - go look up "etiquette"

I do think I’m being UNSELFISH in turning her down, she should absolutely have BM’s who can commit to her wedding in the way that she wants and needs.

No. Do you not see that that makes you selfish. If you’re a proper friend you would commit to her wedding in the way that she wants and needs. You’ve had your day, it’s not about you anymore. It’s about her. YABVU and very selfish.

This has absolutely got to be a reverse, no one could be this socially unaware without realising how absurd they sound.

@RangeRider where does it say that the friend's wedding is going to be a big fancy one?

@RangeRider agree about another posters language, horrendous word that I don't think can be justified under any circumstances.

Perhaps it is the way in which OP has conveyed things that has resulted in the majority of responses she's has received.

Personally, I never really leaned on my bridesmaids for anything other than dress fittings, and making sure they were happy with them (I was then asked to be a bridesmaid for one of them, I didn't want to do it, but I sucked it up and wore a dress in a colour that did not suit me, nor I liked, and donned a hairstyle that did nothing for me either, but I happily obliged because it was her day, not mine)

Can’t think of anything worse than loads of full grown women dressed up

If it was ok for the op then a few months later there shouldn’t be a problem for the friend.

I think if op goes forward with this sort of attitude then she can be a bonafide introvert all on her own then she won’t have to put herself out for anyone ever again.

Presumably your dh was looking forward to celebrating this wedding. What is his view on not being invited.
Or in the future only going out with friends on his own because his wife has alienated herself from everyone else because she can’t be arsed to put herself out.

Oh get over yourself. Honestly. All that spraff over your inner thoughts about this. Do what you like. I’m sure you will anyway.

I think weddings are far too over the top these days and expect too much of people. There will be the invites to wedding fairs, the expectation you go to an extravaganza hen do ( probably weekend), the expectation you pay loads for what you wear and hair and nails, all dictated by the bride...the list goes on. I can totally understand someone not wanting to be a bridesmaid. Whatever happened to people just having a couple of cute little ones as bridesmaids /pageboys?

How much time does being a bridesmaid actually take up? I've never been an adult bridesmaid, but I imagine its not more than a few days of your life for dress shopping, hen party and the actual wedding. Maybe a few mornings for dress fittings etc.

All in all probably no more that 6 or 7 days max.

Jeez, people, she's turned down being a bridesmaid. She's not shagging her mate's fiancée or taken a dump in the MOTB's hat.

OP, if you don't want to be a bridesmaid, don't be one. It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a person with your own boundaries and a grip.

Unlike most of the PPs on this thread

Slatternsdelight Same thing crossed my mind too.

OP, I think YANBU to say you won't be your bridesmaid's bridesmaid. You can do what you feel is right for you.

Of course, YWBU to expect no fall-out - whether on this thread, or from your friend, or both.

The way OP tries to intellectualise her selfish behaviour reminds me of the nauseating Carrie Bradshaw essays from SATC

PollyFlinderz: "This has got be a windup based on the use of language in the opening post."
Ha! Funny you wrote that. I thought it's so unnatural, it has to be a creative writing exercise. Posdibly on the theme of 'smug marrieds'.

I don’t think you’re selfish. I think it’s fine to set boundaries that prioritise your mental health/stage of life/convenience. Mumsnet is full of threads where people assert that ‘no is a complete sentence’.
You haven’t left the bride without help. You haven’t kicked a puppy or abandoned someone in crisis. You crack on, Love.

When I read posts, I always try and consider both sides instead of running with my initial first reaction.

But I'm sorry I cannot sympathise or agree with anything you have said in your post. You are being outrageously selfish and self centred.

Yes you have recently got married but it's not all about you.

YABVVU but to be honest it’s probably no great loss to your friend if you decline, because you sound like a real piece of work!

She spends time, money and brain space supporting you through every single life change but gets nothing back, because by the time she does all these things you are ‘over it’ and on to the next stage of your life? Nice!

Leave her to it and get on with your life. It will be a very lonely one if this is how you treat your ‘friends’. Don’t dress it up as being an introvert, you’re a selfish cow!

Not RTFT as meant to be doing something else and not be on here )and yes I'm a speedy typer ), but does your stance mean that you won't be there for any of your friends 'big events' if you've already been there and done it? All your energies go into your big day and you ask people to support you in it, but come theirs and you remember that you're an introvert...

I consider it quite an honour to be asked to be a BM.

Your wedding might have been low key and in your eyes she didn't 'do much' but she still did it, for you. Because you asked her and she is your friend.

Now, she gets to choose her wedding and she want you to help her in her special day. Just because her day will be different to your day and not what you would choose matters fuck all, because it's her choice.

' I want to concentrate on my life as newlywed' just basically says 'I have had my day and don't give a shit about you'. What if roles were reversed and she had been first?

Incredibly selfish and self important

I am interested to know how a day out dress shopping, organising s hen do, the hen itself all detract from your life as a newlywed? Or are you expected to be chained to the kitchen sink like a good little housewife?

‘I’m an introvert’

No you’rw just a really shit and selfish friend.

You wanted an adoring crowed of wedmin bitches for your own special day, but you can’t be fucked to do anything for your friend.

And BTW I am a 46 year old woman, married for 24 years and last week I was a very proud and happy Bridesmaid for my sister in law.

I don't think you're selfish. Life doesn't have to be 'tit for tat', you can show support to your friendship in other ways. Your friend shouldn't assume that you would do it.

I don't get it, the usual mn verdict would be 'a wedding invitation isn't a summons' but yet somehow being a bridesmaid is?

OP, you are selfish, you are being told that you are selfish by people who know you in RL. If that's what you want to be, then continue with that. But I've never seen it have a happy ending.

For those of you that aren't doing 'being married' right. Theses pieces of advice were given in books in the Victorian times;

"""From the wedding day, the young matron should shape her life to the probable and desired contingency of conception and maternity. Otherwise she has no right or title to wifehood."""

Advice for your early married days.

""This bud of passion cannot be forced rudely open. Its development must be the work of time. If the young wife is met with violence, if she finds that her husband regards the gratification of his own desires more than her feelings — and if she be worn and wearied with excesses in the early days of her married life, the bud will be blighted.""

So you should be still getting over the shame of finding out what your DH expected from you and practising, it carefully, so you aren't over alarmed. You just must be a 'Coarse' lot and not entitled to be a Wife.

No doubt the OP is also embroidering and sewing to add to her 'bottom drawer', which will now start to include Baby items.

All that's come through for your post is that actually you can't be arsed.

You don't want to be a part of a friends wedding?? A friend who put themselves out for you in exactly the same way. Totally shit friend sorry

don't get it, the usual mn verdict would be 'a wedding invitation isn't a summons' but yet somehow being a bridesmaid is

Only if you they have been bridesmaid for you.

I don’t get why op can’t just go bridesmaid dress shopping with the friend and turn up on the day.

Or would that be too much and mean she couldn’t concentrate on being a newly wed.