for not wanting to be my Bridesmaid’s Bridesmaid?

[MrsEfff]

Apologies if this is a little long, I’m feeling ranty This is a bit about the above and a bit about social expectations around this kind of thing in general.

Background: My friend just assumed that I would be one of her bridesmaids (I found out when I got informed what day we were going BM dress shopping!), and I have gently advised that it won’t be possible. Despite how rude I found her assumption she is ordinarily a very well-intentioned person and I didn’t actually want to hurt her. She has other bridesmaids already so I’m not leaving her devoid of assistance.

I know for some the answer will be an automatic ‘YABU’ - I’ve had that reaction from most people already. This is why I’m asking really, I am aware that I’m considered quite selfish with my time and energy (bonafide introvert) but I didn’t think my opinion on this particular topic was so unusual?! Men and women alike have GASPED in horror when I said I didn’t want to be my bridesmaid’s bridesmaid.

I’d happily never be a bridesmaid again to be honest, but also I’m only a few months out of my own wedding and just want to enjoy being a newlywed with no damn ‘wedmin’ to deal with.

I also saw a comment on a wedding/baby thread yesterday (not meaning to offend anyone involved with this reference) implying that the friend wasn’t good because ‘they probably felt they’d done weddings’ - and I thought, well yes, she has done her wedding and she is under no obligation to ‘do’ anyone else’s?? Traditionally bridesmaids were unmarried women, acknowledging that married women were now onto the next chapter of their lives! I’m not saying it should have to be that way, but when did prioritising your own next chapter become wrong?

I expect that friends will generally be happy for me when I announce that something I want is happening, but I certainly do not expect them to go bananas or be involved. If I invite them be involved I’m content with being turned down. I decided to have a bridesmaid for practical purposes and I asked only what was necessary of her as I feel that being a bridesmaid is doing someone a real favour, she also got a choice in everything, which we paid for, for the same reason.

Is this really so odd? To believe that no one is obliged to dedicate themselves to your life event unless they are literally involved (eg; your fiancé)?

I’m delighted for her, looking forward to the wedding (if I get an invitation now!), have said I’m happy to offer advice, have thought of a great gift etc, but I just don’t want to be a flippin’ bridesmaid and I don’t see why that’s such a scandal.

Thoughts?

So you don't want to do 'wedmin' which seems to indicate there'll be more to this than just wearing the bridesmaid dress and accompanying her down the aisle. Will you have to organize a hen do for instance? Did she do that for you?

I'm sensing that you expected - and got - a lot more input in your 'wedmin' from her than just wearing the dress and walking down the aisle so you know she's going to want the same. I mean that wouldn't be an unreasonable expectation from her would it? If so, I have to agree with everyone else that you are a cf; it sounds like she put herself out to help make your wedding special but you can't be bothered to return the favour.

If you want a get out clause (and check with your DH he's happy for you to say this), you can turn her down by saying 'We're hoping to TTC so I really am not sure how pregnant I could be and wouldn't want any difficulty in fitting the dress and ruining your photos'

Op I agree with slatternsdelight.

You have apparently completely misunderstood the social ettiquette here.

It is meant to be an honour to be asked to be a bridesmaid. It's never rude to ask someone to take on this role. The fact that your friend "assumed" you would be doing it is because that is a very common tradition - you ask closest friends to be your bridesmaids and they ask you in their turn. You don't seem to have understood this at all.

You may well have inadvertently hurt your friend's feelings and have made a huge social faux pas - because it's a honour to be someone's bridesmaid, turning it down (outside of absolutely exceptional circumstances) is not the done thing. Turning it down in the immediate aftermath of your friend having just been YOUR bridesmaid compounds that faux pas. As you see from all the responses, it looks very bad. It looks rude and like a snub.

I don't think you meant any of that because from the tone of your OP you find it hard to decentre and look at things from a social understanding point of view. To you it's logical and justified. From a culture and ettiquette perspective, it's rude and hurtful. Like slamming a door in someone's face.

If I were you, I would scrub completely any idea that the way she asked you was rude. It's not rude it unusual to assume your close friend who you have recently been bridesmaid for, will expect to be your bridesmaids. In fact most people would have thought it rude if she didn't assume you would be one. That was your mistaken interpretation . If you really don't feel you can be there for her, then you need to understand that she will probably be put out and hurt, and that a cooling off of your friendship is likely because of that. It's possible that losing her friendship is worth it so you don't have to bridesmaid. However I have a feeling you might be sitting here in a year's time wondering why she isn't such a good friend now and feeling bewildered.

The reason will be, that your misunderstanding of social ettiquette has caused it.

Had to comment as I think it was my post you mention in your OP (Not RTFT)

I’d be so hurt if I was your friend. She supported you through your big day and you can’t be arsed to do the same for her? That’s really really really shitty. And unkind.

Friendship isn’t a one way street you know. And I think you’ll find that if you treat all your friends in such a ‘you scratch my back but I won’t be scratching yours’ way you’ll end up being pretty devoid of friends at some point.

And I say that as an introvert.

Shitty shitty shitty.

I'm with slatternsdelight afterschoolworry and oldbirdy... may well be more to the OP than she or a lot of you realise.

How many people calling the OP a psychopath, CF etc watched Chris Packham's documentary on ASD? Remember the bit where his stepdaughter is trying to persuade him to go to her graduation? He just doesn't see any logical reason to do it. It's a social rule that not everybody gets or feels obliged to follow.

My mum told me that when she and my dad got married they ended up with 5 bridesmaids because the only bridesmaid she wanted, my dad's sister, refused to do it on her own. My aunt is an extreme introvert and I think probably autistic (like my sibling and my DS - strong genes in our family). Again the social rule wasn't "respected" but my parents changed their plans to accommodate my aunt and all was ok.

Yes the OP might just be a CF. But she might not. Very grateful my DS was born at a time when he could have an early diagnosis and be able to explain differences.

Unless there is a hidden back story ie the bride wants overseas hen dos and weekly meetings with agenda or 'concentrating on being a newly wed' means that you are having trouble conceiving and embarking on a stressful IVF route, YABU.

Your reasons for turning her down couple with your username suggest a 'smug married' who wants to continue with the attention you had of being the bride and you want the focus to remain on you not your friend.

You're not "oddly reserved", OP, and you'll stand a better chance of maintaining your friendships when you stop finding yourself so quirky and fascinating and realise that all you are is oddly self-absorbed. It's not a good look and it won't serve you well in the future.

It’s out of order not to reciprocate the support she provided to you and you 100% know it.

Being an introvert should not be taken as a euphemism for being a hopeless friend as all types of people have long term successful relations together as friends and more.

You do realise that the idea of marriage is that it can last a lifetime right - so hurting a close friend for a few months of wedmin free bliss. If you treat all you’re relationships in the same way can’t see you having that life long marriage either. We reep what we sow.

Are you saying you cannot do this due to social anxiety? If if it social anxiety i completely understand but if it is because yiu cba then yabu.

Also what reason have you given her/have you explained?

YABU, and mean. Your friend was there to support you on your ‘big day’, she wants you to be a part of hers, so she obviously values your friendship for her to ask, you don’t seem to feel the same about her.

Also, the felt you needed to mention in your OP that your own wedding was only a few months ago, makes me think there’s perhaps a bit of jealousy that your day is over and now the attention is on someone else and their day! It’s a shame you are being petty about this and can’t be there for your friend, I imagine this is quite upsetting for her. how would you have felt if she’d refused to be your BM because she couldn’t be arsed and her own wedding was only a short time ago... sounds selfish when you look at it from another perspective doesn’t it?

Look, I get you. I’ve (respectfully) turned down 3 requests to be bridesmaid in my life (and accepted 3 when I was younger). I truly am not cut out for it, and think it’s kinder to say no and let them ask someone else who is likely to fulfil their bridal dreams.

But when I got married, I did without bridesmaids. I would have felt hypocritical. I actually just followed the same policy throughout. No one needed to put their own life on hold as some kind of proof of friendship, and I was more than uplifted by all my friend’s delight on the day- no need for maidservants!

Your policy change comes after you’ve had the benefit of it, and you’re going to get creamed for your hypocrisy. The only way out of this one in our current culture is to get pregnant fast- preferably with twins!

Give over with the social anxiety and the asd. I bloody hate that about mumsnet. If that were genuinely the hang up here how the fuck did the 'bonafide introvert' OP get through her own wedding? This woman helped her. She can't claim not to know the reciprocal social etiquette and cultural mores here since she outlines them in her OP. She just doesn't want to do it.

I have a friend who had a bridesmaid who gave birth the day before and still showed up ...
Have a think about that.
You don't sound a good friend.
Friendship works both ways.
If this is you in day to day life I'm unsure why she would choose you to be a part of the wedding anyway

I don’t really see what’s ‘putting your life on hold’ about being a bridesmaid tbh.

Organising a hen doesn’t actually take that much time, obviously attending a hen night/weekend does but they are usually a good laugh, not a chore. I’ve been on hen dos that weren’t to my taste but was pleased the bride to be enjoyed them.

The wedding is one day, again hardly anything to put your life on hold for.

And the rest is maybe a few hours dress shopping and maybe offering opinions on decor and shoes but I wouldn’t call that kind of support time consuming. It’s mainly done by text in my experience anyway!

It’s just a lovely thing to do to support your friend whose big day it is.

ribbon
Many, many autistic women are undiagnosed. Most, in fact. Many of whom are married. Many of whom will have alternative explanations for their difficulties (true introvert, for example) and coping strategies to manage daily life.

Some of us recognise patterns of communication.
Can't be certain, of course, online. But not inventing the idea from nothing. Don't be so quick to dismiss.

You're a horrible friend, what a selfish reaction. My wedding is done now, I got what I needed, I'm not engaging with your celebration! I bet you'll want them there for a baby shower etc. This woman would be better off without you in her life.

Please don't lecture me oldbirdy, it's people using it as a a catch-all excuse for any and all poor behaviour that is dismissive and offensive to people who are on the spectrum. If the OP is undiagnosed and managed to come up with coping strategies for the far bigger and more involved task of arranging her own wedding there is no reason she wouldn't be able to do so for her friend if she wanted to. She says herself it's the 'wedmin' she can't be arsed to do.

You sound very selfish.
Its sounds like this person does not matter at all to you.

Of course you are being selfish. Your friend is perfectly entitled to be disappointed in you, and to reconsider your friendship.

The question for you is : Do you care? If you don’t, then own your selfishness, accept that the friendship is over and get on with your life.

Your weird! 🥊🥊

Bring an introvert is not a ‘get out of jail free’ card for being selfish

Pmsl at 'wedmin'. Is this a thing?

Apologies if this has already been said, but I think you are looking at it completely the wrong way - you are not being your bridesmaid's bridesmaid, you are being your friend's bridesmaid. You seem to using bridesmaid as a derogatory word for someone who is unmarried? What does this 'new chapter' of your life involve that means you can't be an inside part of your friend's wedding?

ribbon lecturing goes both ways.
People aren't using autism as a catch all excuse for poor behaviour on this thread. No one has excused the OP. Everyone - almost literally - has told the OP that their behaviour was rude and selfish. None of the few of us who have wondered if the OP may be on the spectrum have said "it's ok OP, perhaps you might be autistic, of course you need not be her bridesmaid, it's a marvellous excuse". Autism isn't an excuse to do whatever the heck you like. That is indeed offensive.

Based on the theory that one possibility is that OP genuinely doesn't get it, there have been a couple of posts explaining the social ettiquette involved. Of course it's possible that op is just a selfish git. In which case those posts won't be helpful.