To not discourage, if not actively encourage, my 17 year old to have sex

[avenueq]

She's in a relationship with a boy her age. They're both really into each other. They've been together three months. Of course I'm not saying "you should do it" but I asked her if she wanted to go on the pill and I'm happy for him to stay over. My thinking is why not now when she is in familiar environment rather than at uni where everything's new and you might rush into things. Am I wrong?

Defence? So that is treating it as something dangerous that she needs protecting from - the boy as the predator who wants to take something precious from her. Maybe she wants to do it, maybe she doesn't, that's up to her and I want ask her or try to influence her. But if she wants to then I won't put up barriers

Defence? So that is treating it as something dangerous that she needs protecting from - the boy as the predator who wants to take something precious from her.

Absolutely not what I said or meant in any way.

By defence I mean you are her first line of defence, or should be, in every single situation. She should feel that she can come to you and you will protect her, look after her, be there for her. I don't mean by protecting her from sexual relationships, but by being there to support them. What you have spoken about is you encouraging her to sleep with a boy that she may not even want to sleep with. It's a ridiculous approach to try and be cool.

Freudian slip there op.
She should have carefree experience of dating without complications, plenty of time for all that angst later. You don't have to sleep with every bloke you go out with, he's unlikely to be 'the one'.

Of course sex can be dangerous! Pregnancy is dangerous for one thing. And however lovely this young man may be, there is likely to be another one after him, and your dd is likely at some point to meet a man who does not respect her boundaries and/or means her harm. So “defence” seems an appropriate word. If your mum doesn’t have your back, who does?

As long as pushing them together does not hamper her future aspirations. My aunt was a bit like 'cool mum' with my cousins and their boyfriends. They become so wrapped up in relationships from a young age, that they didn't really achieve anything else as they probably spent more time shagging after school than studying. Tbf it's not worked out too bad, one cousin is still with the bf she had at 14/15, she married at about 19/20, quickly had two dc, but you half feel it was all a bit too much too young iyswim.

As I said, I am not telling her she should, I am just not putting up barriers

I am well aware that my position on teens and sex is seen as uptight, and backward.

I don't actually care what other people think - these are my children, and DH and i will parent as we see fit.

But I'm not asking for accolades, or approval or even understanding.

But you, on the other hand, OP, seem to struggle with the idea that people might not think that your approach is the best one. And yet you asked the question - are you being unreasonable? I think you are, but why do you care?

I have taken on board the advice re contraception, but with regards to the general attitude nothing has been said that has swayed me. People keep saying I'm trying to be cool or to push into something she's not ready for, which is totally untrue. I am there for her in supporting any choice she makes.

Also possible his parents have some feelings on the matter, not that they trump his or hers, either

@Sethis Oh come on. The Guide To Getting It On suggests wrapping your lady bits in cling-film, and wanking with a courgette. I really wouldn't recommend it to a 17 yo. Though we did laugh about it at university.

wanking with a courgette made me laugh

People keep saying I'm trying to be cool or to push into something she's not ready for, which is totally untrue

Your thread title said 'actively encouraging'

Why on earth would anyone actively encourage this?

@DParse

Say you want a romantic weekend away in Rome. Because you're pushed for cash, you go Ryanair and only take hand luggage.

You/Your DP like using a toy in the bedroom.

Do you:

1. Take it with you in your hand luggage, knowing that the person watching the Xray will see it, and if you have to open your bag for any reason the security staff will find/feel it while having a good ol' rummage around, and waste a valuable 20 cubic centimeters of your allowance

or

1. Go to the supermarket when you land and spend 20 cents in the fruit and veg aisle, choosing a suitable size and shape according to your exact preferences, the whole thing acting as teasing foreplay before you even reach the hotel

?

Courgettes are totally fair game, but a condom is better than clingfilm, obviously, and make sure you leave the base free so you can get a good grip on the damn thing.

On a more general note, I would take TGTGIO as a source of reliable and useful information any day of the week over:

1. Gossip from friends
2. Porn
3. School delivered Sex Ed
4. What my equally clueless teenage partner told me
5. Stuttering and mumbling awkward conversations with my parents

It's also in something like its tenth edition I think, so they're good about keeping it up to date with more recent trends (internet porn, sexting) etc.

@Sethis I do seem to remember they tell you to ask your local greengrocer for advice.

PS IIRC, they don't advise using the cling film and the courgette simultaneously. I can't remember the point of the cling film (could it have been related to period sex?), but how we laughed.