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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not discourage, if not actively encourage, my 17 year old to have sex

165 replies

avenueq · 29/09/2018 23:15

She's in a relationship with a boy her age. They're both really into each other. They've been together three months. Of course I'm not saying "you should do it" but I asked her if she wanted to go on the pill and I'm happy for him to stay over. My thinking is why not now when she is in familiar environment rather than at uni where everything's new and you might rush into things. Am I wrong?

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 29/09/2018 23:20

I would definitely discuss contraception and take her to get it, I don't think that's encouraging it if you do it alongside a message of 'remember no type of contraception is fail safe and that you can't take it back once you've done it'. I would think about when/ how frequently it's ok for him to stay over and place a limit on it if you don't want him over every night.

Original poster
avenueq · 29/09/2018 23:23

It will only be at weekends

OP posts:
ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 29/09/2018 23:23

What makes you think they're not already having sex? At that age I was at it all over the place Blush

BackforGood · 29/09/2018 23:28

Well, I don't know if YABU or not, but it certainly isn't what I would be / am / was encouraging my 17 yr olds to do, no.
Spend a long time getting to know people before you move the relationship to a sexual level is my advice. Understand that that first rush of lust emotion is all well and good, but dealing with unwanted pregnancy effects you the whole of the rest of your life - however you respond to it.

Pushing a school pupil into thinking "this is what all teenagers are doing", isn't a road I'm going down.

Original poster
avenueq · 29/09/2018 23:30

With the right contraception though it should be ok? How long would you advise to wait?

OP posts:
TeeniefaeTroon · 29/09/2018 23:30

My daughter is almost 17 and I would do the same if she had a boyfriend. My parents let my BF stay over when I was 17 so I'd be a hypocrite not to allow her the same.

madeoficecream · 29/09/2018 23:31

YANBU it should be about what your daughter feels and nothing else. I think that is the best advice you can give a daughter. To trust her own instincts and never do anything sexual that she doesnt want to just because someone thinks she should, and vice versa. Instilling confidence to say yes and no as she sees fit rather than telling her what your own standards are is great.

gylly · 29/09/2018 23:32

I think 17 is a perfectly good age to have sex. However you are over invested in your daughters sex life. Your daughter is over the age of consent whether she has it now or at uni is absolutely none of your business.

SpoonBlender · 29/09/2018 23:36

Much better for them to get it on in a supportive and safe environment. I was lucky enough to have that with my first, it was excellent. And yes, condoms had been quietly supplied!

SpoonBlender · 29/09/2018 23:37

Correction for clarity: First sex wasn't excellent (though it wasn't awful!), I mean the environment was excellent :D

Chocolate50 · 29/09/2018 23:48

YANBU - your relationship with your DD sounds lovely, you are being realistic and she trusts you, I have a 17 yr old, her bf stays over sometimes, they've been together a year but he was staying over after a few months, its normal and healthy as long as they are doing other things like going out etc and enjoying life, you sound like a lovely caring mum

RoseByAnyOther2 · 29/09/2018 23:48

My mum did similar at that age, I had no intention of having sex so we didn’t, just cuddled up together in bed and fooled around a bit. The question is, will him staying over make her feel pressured by him to have sex?

AnoukSpirit · 29/09/2018 23:51

Three months.

Well, if she wasn't feeling peer pressure she will be feeling it from you now instead.

Or did you have the discussion about there being no rush and choosing not to is equally valid?

Did you have any discussion that wasn't just on providing contraception and a location?

Three months.

BrokenWing · 29/09/2018 23:54

With the right contraception though it should be ok?

It is so much more than just contraception. As pp said you sound way over invested in your dd dtd. You've told her about contraception and I assume you have spoken to her about her about the emotional side of relationships and consent. Now it's time to back off and let her get on with it when and where she wants, or not. She might already be sexually active but just not want you to know yet.

Missingstreetlife · 29/09/2018 23:55

Why will people not let young people do things in their own time.
You should have had the safe sex, emotional care talk ages ago. If you are so cool she will know she can approach you if she is ready, stop rushing her and back off. Just let her know wher you keep the condoms and mind your own biz

zzzzz · 30/09/2018 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caoraich · 30/09/2018 00:02

I think you're doing the right thing. I am forever grateful to my lovely sensible mum who made sure that my high school boyfriend and I had privacy and I was able to access contraception. It meant that my early sexual encounters were relaxed and at a time I was comfortable with.

Although we didn't last past going off to different unis, I felt no pressure to sleep with anyone when I went to uni just to "get it over with", which a number of my flatmates did. I was also already comfortable with and confident in using contraception and there were absolutely zero unprotected sex incidents.

MagnaDoodle · 30/09/2018 00:03

I think you’re weirdly invested in your daughters sex life, in all honesty Confused

MagnaDoodle · 30/09/2018 00:04

Makes me think of that “cool Mum” from mean girls who stands by watching her daughter fooling around with the boy asking “can I get you kids Anthony? Juice? Snacks? Condom?”

ReanimatedSGB · 30/09/2018 00:04

You've made sure she is informed about contraception, you've made sure she's informed about choice, consent and boundaries (you have emphasised the latter more than the former, haven't you?).

Your job's done. The only thing you need to do now is be available to listen if she wants to talk, but steer clear of poking your beak in.

MagnaDoodle · 30/09/2018 00:04

Anthony 🙄 anything

DaniC18 · 30/09/2018 00:04

I agree that talking to her about contraception is sensible but I wouldn't be comfortable having a boy stay over with my daughter. Plus imo 3 months a long time to get to know someone before having sex

Jaguarana · 30/09/2018 00:05

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but your daughter's sex life is her own business and absolutely nothing to do with you. I suggest you back right off.

SeaToSki · 30/09/2018 00:10

Talk about STDs as well as contraception

MrsZB · 30/09/2018 00:13

This is such a weird post.

Yes - offer to help with contraception.

Anything else- leave it up to them!

This feels a bit creepy to be honest.

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