To not discourage, if not actively encourage, my 17 year old to have sex

[avenueq]

She's in a relationship with a boy her age. They're both really into each other. They've been together three months. Of course I'm not saying "you should do it" but I asked her if she wanted to go on the pill and I'm happy for him to stay over. My thinking is why not now when she is in familiar environment rather than at uni where everything's new and you might rush into things. Am I wrong?

100% agree with JamieVardysHavingAParty "Don't encourage your teenagers to avoid condoms."

I think you need to be realistic that even if she is his first girlfriend, and even if he is a virgin (the two things not necessarily being synominus) there are no guarantees he won;t sleep with someone else while dating your daughter. So I;d teach my child the only way to stay as safe as possible from STDs is condoms and any boy not respecting that doesn't respect your daughter.

I'd also want to make sure she actually wants him to stay overnight, has she asked? She may not want that.

I'm well aware lots of people have sex for the first time quite young, but I think 17 is still quite young.

Plus if she goes on the pill now and doesn't come off it until she wants a family, that could be 10 or even 20 years.

This article suggests it is perfectly safe...

www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/body/health/a10316912/contraceptive-pill-how-safe-to-take/

but contains the phrase...

"Being on the pill is a balance of benefit over risk, and while the combined pill does come with some risk thanks to the oestrogen it contains - which can slightly increase a person's chances of getting a blood clot or developing breast cancer - for most people that risk is so minimal that it doesn't outweigh the contraceptive benefit."

These are things a young person will need to understand before just starting on the pill, surely. Making such decisions as young as 17 doesn't seem right to me, unless the person is mature enough to take it in and make a fair decision.

Anyway, these will be her choices, sex is an adult thing so if she is adult enough to have it, she should be able to make her own choice where and when and how it happens.

Ok good point about condoms.
Surprised at opinion that 17 is young - I know it's not late but I don't think it's that young either

With the right contraception though it should be ok?
Tell that to the sister of a friend of mine who got pregnant despite being on the pill AND using condoms....
you might rush into things
And jumping into bed after 3 months when they're only 17 isn't rushing?

Of course contraception can go wrong, but on the other hand that can't stop you forever.
I'm not sure when they'll actually go for it and it's none of my business, I'm just saying I won't put up any barriers.

on the other hand that can't stop you forever
No, but she's only 17. If she got pregnant at 17 it's a bit different to pregnant when she's finished school & got some qualifications....

We struggled with this issue. Allowed sleepovers. We are now grandparents and they are teenage parents.

No. Not because I'm a prude but because I always want my home to be my children's safe space. If, god forbid, they were ever feeling the pressure to have sex and get into a relationship with someone coercive and abusive, I always want them to know when that there always somewhere safe. My first boyfriend was hugely into putting the pressure on me, if my dad allowed him round for the night I am pretty sure I'd have lost my virginity in less than ideal circumstances. I just said to my boyfriend sorry my dad doesn't let me have boys round over night. He continued to pressure
Me in strange places till I finally had the strength to dump him.

I might be being dim but where can teenagers go to have sex if not their house?
And how have we moved on in society if we say to girls you can't explore sex while still at school?

Over anything I think consent over contraception, importance wise and agree with PP about added pressure of him being able to stay overnight. Parents are there to put barriers, 17 is very young and 3 months is an awfully short amount of time to get to know someone. Plus EVERY lad was a so called "virgin" at 17, along with "you're the only one I'm seeing, you can trust me and I won't tell anyone".

You said you talked about contraception and there have been some good points about STDs by PP.

However, if you let her boyfriend stay over I would make sure to talk to her about consent and emotional aspects of sex as well beforehand. My parents never did that and I think it would have massively benefited me. I felt a lot of pressure to 'perform' well sexually as a teenager, did it before I was ready and did a lot of things I wasn't actually comfortable with because I thought girls are supposed to satisfy their partners. I don't think pop culture (or readily available porn) has changed for the better since, in contrary...

Trying to play a role in who your dd looses her virginity too is pretty bloody weird. Let her make her own decisions. She's probably already having sex but understandably doesn't want to discuss it with you

Education about contraceptives isn't just for now, it's for the entirety of your daughter's life. Encouraging the use of condoms is good because it will teach her how they are to be used correctly. It also gives her the ability to insist they are used with future partners who probably won't be virgins and may put her at risk from infections. Nor is the pill 100% effective.

All this and only 3 months in. Certainly the possibility is there that she will have sex but I'd also like to think of it was my daughter that she will be focused on other 17 year old pastimes. You're running the risk of encouraging this if you speak much beyond contraception. It's up to her when she has sex, you really don't need to involve yourself if you have raised her to be sensible.

I'm not trying to play a role in that
I'm just not doing anything to stop it happening if that's what she wants.

But why would you? She is 17.

This thread is very strange.

I agree it’s strange.
Your role is to make sure she knows about contraception, about consent and that she knows you are there if she needs you. That is all. You don’t need to be thinking about the logistics of them having sex.

Well exactly, but as this thread shows plenty of people think you should

You would be mad to not encourage condoms, to be honest. Absolutely mad. It's the best habit you can get into, especially as a young adult who's likely to have several partners.

Of the people I know who started out without them, then weren't used to them and didn't ask their partner to use them/didn't like them/couldn't put them on/thought they killed the mood, several have ended up with STDs or pregnant.

Then again I'm biased as I avoid hormonal contraception with a bargepole, we've used just condoms for almost 3 years and never had any accidents. But for us a pregnancy wouldn't be a disaster like it would for a 17 year old, so tell her to use both methods.

Yeah absolutely weird. Not every 17-year-old is gagging for sex
Amazingly, some 17-year-old's lives are occupied with other things and they'll get around to sex in their own time thanks.

Yes, taking that on board x

Condom advice that is

I can’t imagine ever wanting to encourage my 17 year old daughter with a fairly new bf to have sex.

• I’m so old fashioned though 😊 so accept I’ll be in the minority on this one.

or olds' maybe? [grammar fail]

Honestly? It's absolutely none of your business. MN is rife with people complaining about their boundaries being breached, this is the most blatant over step ever. Nothing to do with you AT ALL. It's really distasteful.

And that's fine, but if they are up for it why should they be stopped/made to feel it's wrong?

What boundaries have I overstepped by having a conversation about contraception and saying he can stay over?