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Original poster

To not discourage, if not actively encourage, my 17 year old to have sex

165 replies

avenueq · 29/09/2018 23:15

She's in a relationship with a boy her age. They're both really into each other. They've been together three months. Of course I'm not saying "you should do it" but I asked her if she wanted to go on the pill and I'm happy for him to stay over. My thinking is why not now when she is in familiar environment rather than at uni where everything's new and you might rush into things. Am I wrong?

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 30/09/2018 20:19

Its better than starting for the first time while blind drunk on freshers week. I think that it's a good thing for young people to start having sex within a loving and respectful relationship. It sets them up to be more sexually confident re enforcing boundaries etc when they leave home. Three months seems a bit soon to me but definitely offer to sort contraception.

HolyForkingShirt · 30/09/2018 20:20

I actually think it's nice you can talk to her about it. If my mum had done the same, I wouldn't think it was overstepping.

We never talked about sex, and the first time we did was when I had a boyfriend of 3 months. She asked if we'd had sex and I said yes - she thought it was the first time. I could never tell her there were actually 2 people before that

More parents should be having these convos, sex shouldn't be taboo.

Original poster
avenueq · 30/09/2018 20:20

That's exactly what my thought process was

OP posts:
BunnyColvin · 30/09/2018 20:20

And that's fine, but if they are up for it why should they be stopped/made to feel it's wrong?

Calling BS on this thread now

Original poster
avenueq · 30/09/2018 20:21

Why?

OP posts:
BunnyColvin · 30/09/2018 20:22

Speculating on whether or not your kid is 'up for it' three months into a relationship? Please.

gothefcktosleep · 30/09/2018 20:22

Are you like Edina Monsoon?

Original poster
avenueq · 30/09/2018 20:24

I'm not! I mean in general! I haven't asked if they've had sex or are planning to. I have only discussed contraception and said it's fine for him to stay over

OP posts:
SoyDora · 30/09/2018 20:25

Maybe they’ve already had sex.

Original poster
avenueq · 30/09/2018 20:26

Maybe, no intention to find out

OP posts:
Bluelady · 30/09/2018 20:27

It's overstepping because involving yourself in your children's sex lives is massively invasive. It's private, ffs.

topcat2014 · 30/09/2018 20:30

@gothefck to sleep - I was thinking about abfab too!

MsHopey · 30/09/2018 20:33

I was 17 when I got my first boyfriend.
I've always had my head very screwed on but I think I might've done it a little bit soon. But we used condoms, then got STI checks (I was a virgin but it was only fair) and I moved on to the implant.
Both our parents let us sleep over at each other's houses and we did have sex.
I think it would have probably happened even if we weren't given access to each other's rooms but would have been less constable.
(As a bit of a prude I dread to think where we would have ended up).
A few months down the line my mom did ask if I'd done it and if I was safe, which I embarrassingly told her yes and yes. That was the end of it.
I'm now 26 and married to him, my first boyfriend, I think my mom's knows my personality and that it was serious for me and I don't think she'd have let a different bloke every other weekend kind of situation happen.

Original poster
avenueq · 30/09/2018 20:38

Are you actually reading what I'm saying!?! I am not asking her about her deeds or intentions, the ONLY thing I've done is discuss contraception and say he can stay over.
On HERE I am speculating about the rights and wrongs, but this is an anonymous discussion forum ffs

OP posts:
Pannalash · 30/09/2018 20:39

For a parent to say they’re both really into each other yuck just yuck if this is real you’re completely over invested

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 30/09/2018 20:39

'And how have we moved on in society if we say to girls you can't explore sex while still at school?'

This is your daughter. Not an anthropological test case. You do understand your only role here is to ensure she understands contraception and consent. What she chooses and where she chooses to do it is her business.

I find this all a bit sleazy. Sorry. Confused

Original poster
avenueq · 30/09/2018 20:42

Seriously? It's yuck? Hmm I meant they're clearly very much in love, what's yuck about that?

OP posts:
Bluelady · 30/09/2018 20:44

They're not sleazy, you are. Very.

DoinItForTheKids · 30/09/2018 20:48

I look at it from both the point of view that you don't want to think of them shagging in an alley or whatever (we all get that but on its own this is NOT a strong enough argument to give young people carte blanche to have as much sex as they like straight away), but at the same time, if you say to them "your BF can sleep over in your bed if you want" you might without realising it be putting a DD in a difficult spot such that she feels she can't say no to the offer you've made OP.

So I feel that any time you offer something like this it should not be in isolation. You MUST temper that offer to allow the BF to stay with "you don't have to take me up on this offer" and "it will be important for you to decide in advance whether you want to have increased sexual contact with him and to what extent and you need to be very clear about that" and "you need to think about what if he presses for you to do something particular and you don't want to, how will you handle that" then to explain the practice of coercion - if you just say yes your BF can stay go on the pill if you fancy it is missing some of the most important factors that you SHOULD be discussing.

And those conversations don't even cover discussion about the personal side effects - someone dumping you is bad enough but if you've already been enjoying a sexual relationship it can be a lot worse and they need to think about that.

In effect what worries me about all this 'yeah do it if you want, just crack on and get on the pill' is that you could be pushing her into something that she may necessarily not even want to do.

DParse · 30/09/2018 20:57

@Anoukspirit, so well said.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 30/09/2018 21:01

I am one of those mums who is very open about how valuable and important contraception is.I preach (says my son!) in a very matter of fact way, I however would not have entertained anything of the staying over bits at 17.Well I lie, I would if say they had been out to a concert or an event and it made sense not to travel late anymore than necessary then I would, but not just cos it was a random normal day.I think it might have made it uncomfortable for the rest of the family,but I am slightly old fashioned in my views.

ICantFindAFreeNickName2 · 30/09/2018 21:02

I don't think the op is doing anything wrong and I would feel the same way.
I would prefer my dd's 1st time to be in a relatively long term relationship, not a drunken one night stand at freshers week. My dd is 16 and not really into boys yet but lots of the girls in her year group have already had sex.

How long did you all wait to have sex with your boyfriends, 3 months seems fine to me.

MemoryOfSleep · 30/09/2018 21:12

Yikes. Personally, I would talk about contraception and maybe even help procure it but would stop short of giving permission and would never give the OK to stop overnight unless the lad was on the sofa. I can't be in the house all the time, so daresay it would happen eventually (and if not in the house then somewhere else), but I would not enable it. Call me old-fashioned.

HolyForkingShirt · 30/09/2018 21:18

, but I would not enable it.

Thing is, if teenagers want to have sex they will do it.

People at my school had sex at house parties, in cars, oh and one girl lost her virginity in an actual forest. My best friend lost his by the side of a B road! So it's probably better to just let them do it in the house...

Italiangreyhound · 30/09/2018 21:19

avenueq I think you are getting a hard time on here. I feel sure your intentions are good. You are kind and considerate. I hope I will be the same. I am a bit of a prude and for me 17 is young but my children will decide for themselves.

I think one factor is that sometimes young people might want to use a strict parent as an excuse, just as someone else said up thread.

But I think OP you have got very good intentions and most young people would be really pleased to have such an open parent. Thanks

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