To not discourage, if not actively encourage, my 17 year old to have sex

[avenueq]

She's in a relationship with a boy her age. They're both really into each other. They've been together three months. Of course I'm not saying "you should do it" but I asked her if she wanted to go on the pill and I'm happy for him to stay over. My thinking is why not now when she is in familiar environment rather than at uni where everything's new and you might rush into things. Am I wrong?

None of your business. And I'd be seriously creeped out if my mother started encouraging me to have sex with my boyfriend (or talking about my sex life in any way other than generally telling me to use contraception and protect myself).

YANBU. This is how my parents handled sex and I grew up with a very healthy attitude to it and, most importantly, always felt able to go to my mum if I needed any help or advice.

"My thinking is why not now..."

That really does sound like you want her to do it now. That sounds like you are directing her private life.

There are plenty of reasons for her to do it now or to wait. Maybe she doesn't want him to stay over, maybe she does. I'd really butt out or you may be adding to pressure for her to have sex when she may not actually want to.

I think people are misinterpreting the OP. I think you're doing a good thing. I don't imagine that you are actively encouraging your DD to have sex but merely saying that if it's on the cards then you're ok with her BF staying over. God, I think back to when I was that age and having sex with my BF... I would have loved it if my parents had been more open minded.

My thinking is why not now when she is in familiar environment rather than at uni where everything's new and you might rush into things.

The underlying thought seems to be "better that she fuck at home now than later, god knows where". Creepy.

I certainly don't go on about it, I haven't even said the word to her, I only spoke about contraception and said he could stay over.

What if your daughter doesn’t want to have sex?

Also, promote condoms as the pill won’t protect her from STIs. Plus it might screw with her hormones- it makes me depressed.

@avenueq my parents did this. I didn't feel pressured but felt secure that I could talk to them about things. They let me and my sibling do lots but always under their roof or close. We didn't rebel but respected them for it. You sound like an ace mum.

@magnadoodle but that name fitted so well to the scenario :)

Be like me, put off all that sex stuff till after university fail at life :)

I think you've handled it really well! I don't think you're oberstppeing or pressuring... contraceptives are really important to discuss and letting your daughter know her boyfriend can stay over is fine. You know your own daughter!

If she doesn't want to then I hope she'll tell him that, but would that be helped by me putting up barriers?
She's his first girlfriend so sti's not much of a concern, and pill more reliable?

Seriously. You are thinking of whether your daughter should be using condoms or the pill?

Your job is to make sure that your daughter knows about the options. Then SHE decides, and you don't discuss her sex life. That's it.

I was just told to promote condoms so I was giving my reason for promoting the pill instead.

And I don't discuss her sex life, I just talk about contraception with her and allow her boyfriend to stay over at weekends.

Why not just leave her to make her own decisions? You are over invested.
By all means talk to her about contraception/consent/STD’s but essentially it’s down to her.

"She's his first girlfriend so sti's not much of a concern, and pill more reliable?" That's pretty dangerous thinking isn't it? You're assuming they are both going to remain 100% faithful to each other.
You are too involved. She's 17 and will know all this stuff. To talk to her about pregnancy and STI's would be enough. You don't need to say "Oh by the way, come have sex here if you want".

She's his first girlfriend so sti's not much of a concern, and pill more reliable?

And this is how it all bloody starts. Couple one, Katie and Oscar, are virgins and sure they're STI-free so they don't use condoms. They split up and go onto relationship two. Our boy and girl have already got used to easy, spontaneous sex on the pill without condoms and starting to put them on seems like a faff. Katie is certain she has no STIs and new boyfriend Tyler has told her that she's his second girlfriend and he says he was his first girlfriend's first sexual partner. He was, but what he doesn't know is that his ex-girlfriend started dating her new boyfriend before she dumped Tyler...

So they don't bother with condoms after more than a couple of times. Meanwhile, at Oscar's new university, the same situation is happening.

Katie and Oscar are nice young people, but neither of them like condoms, and Katie in particular finds the idea of insisting on a condom like saying she doesn't trust her partner's word. Eventually, Katie grows out of this and becomes more assertive, but not before she's caught chlamydia.

I am a member of thestudentroom forums. There was one thread on there from one young man studying a medical degree who discovered he had caught HIV after the results of the entirely routine blood screening done on all medical students.

Don't encourage your teenagers to avoid condoms.

Here, read about the rise in Syphilis cases in the last year. www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-44384289

Have you not had this conversation long before now?

She's his first girlfriend so sti's not much of a concern, and pill more reliable?

How do you even know he is a virgin too? Get your nose out of their sex life and let them get on with it without mummy watching on. It's a bit creepy.

Allowing him to stay does give your daughter the security of being able to say no and not be pressurised into anything. Safe clean and private environment is always better than anywhere else teenagers find. My parents would never have been comfortable with that. My terms from day 1 were condoms all the time every timed non negotiable and I was on the pill. No form of contraception is 100% so I felt more comfortable ‘doubling up’.

I can only speak from experience that my mum left me to my own devices at 17 and it went well because I knew what I was doing thanks to resources.
I think the contraception brief (like which ones are available and where ect) and telling her you're okay with staying is perfect enough I would leave it at that :)

Allowing him to stay does give your daughter the security of being able to say no and not be pressurised into anything
See I think the opposîte of this. there are no limits placed on having sex - so every time he isn't in her room he may expect it. There can be a lot of abuse even in teenage relationship so and they can get too emotionally involved too soon. Her room should be a safe space.

IS in her room