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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not discourage, if not actively encourage, my 17 year old to have sex

165 replies

avenueq · 29/09/2018 23:15

She's in a relationship with a boy her age. They're both really into each other. They've been together three months. Of course I'm not saying "you should do it" but I asked her if she wanted to go on the pill and I'm happy for him to stay over. My thinking is why not now when she is in familiar environment rather than at uni where everything's new and you might rush into things. Am I wrong?

OP posts:
Beesandfrogsandfleas · 01/10/2018 23:20

If you love someone - the loveliest experience I've had was holding our first baby together. Better get her to crack on doing that then too?
Doesn't she have enough time for this later? Healthy relationships need space

Missingstreetlife · 01/10/2018 23:42

Solid relationship at three months? Just leave her alone, she seems more sensible than a lot of grown ups.

owabno · 01/10/2018 23:59

I think it's a really dick move tbh.

At 17 her safe space should be at home. You should be her defence, not her encouragement.

SpareASquare · 02/10/2018 00:07

..They're both really into each other. They've been together three months

Ok, OP. You win the 'Coolest parent EVAH!' award Confused

I do allow partners to stay over so actually have no issue depending on circumstances. You just seem a little too try hard OP.
Also can't get behind any parent who doesn't promote, heavily, condoms.

Friendlylynn · 02/10/2018 00:17

If you and her have already had a discussion over this delicate subject and both listened to one another, then do as others suggest and learn to stand back and let them enjoy their relationship hopefully in a relaxed no pressure way with good memories.
That could also apply to other things in her life too.
Talking about things may do more harm than good and make her feel that she has to conform when perhaps not ready for it as yet.
There is also the scenario where they discuss such topics in groups at college and university, so do not need long chats over it with what they may see as older interfering parents.

Original poster
avenueq · 02/10/2018 05:26

He's not moving in. We're takking once a week at most.
I'm really surprised there's so much resistance to this here. Again mumsnet and rl seem worlds apart.

OP posts:
Auntynumber3 · 02/10/2018 06:08

I don't know, OP. You seem to be wanting/expecting MN to be congratulating you on your open-mindedness.

We will be taking a different approach to you. If our kids want to engage in sexual activity as teenagers, they will need to find somewhere else other than their bedroom in the family home. They know we regard sex as having religious/spiritual significance and not to be undertaken lightly. They can choose to adopt a different philosophy of course, but they will need to abide by our approach when living in our home and being supported by us. This puts me firmly in the oldfashioned prude camp I suspect, but so be it.

Original poster
avenueq · 02/10/2018 06:11

So you'd rather they do something of spiritual significance somewhere outside/risky than in their own home?

OP posts:
Auntynumber3 · 02/10/2018 06:22

No, I wouldn't rather that, but we have done our best to bring up our children (boy and girl - our approach applies equally to both) to take sex and intimate relationships seriously. At the moment I would trust them both to make sensible decisions about when and where to have sex and who with and to make arrangements appropriately (ie, with condom and somewhere comfy and not risky). But i can't make those decisions for them I can only say what is acceptable in our home.

Camomila · 02/10/2018 07:07

3 months doesn't seem that long.
Just because she's a teen doesn't mean she wants to jump into bed with him....me and all my mates (started having sex in 6th form) thought 6m was a good amount of time to wait because losing your virginty was a big milestone! Tbh I wish I'd waited longer.

Equally I know lots of girls who felt 'too young' and didn't have sex till half way through uni.

Please, in your well-meaningness, don't make her feel she should be doing something she might not feel ready for.

Yogagirl123 · 02/10/2018 07:27

Of course at 17 your DD can have sex, but that’s private to her. But why encourage her? She may not be ready yet.

ittooshallpass · 02/10/2018 07:49

I'm clearly really old as I just don't get that parents allow their teenagers to have sleepovers. This whole thread is weird. Talk to your children about contraception but you really don't need to put the petals on the bed for them...

Original poster
avenueq · 02/10/2018 08:16

Talk to your children about contraception but you really don't need to put the petals on the bed for them...

I feel there is a happy medium between these extremes.

OP posts:
FermatsTheorem · 02/10/2018 08:21

I'm going with "mind your own business unless she asks."

PortiaCastis · 02/10/2018 08:23

Her sex life is none of your business

Lweji · 02/10/2018 08:27

The only problem with telling her, without her asking, that he's allowed to stay over (and asking her if she wanted to go on the pill) is that she might construe it as being expected.
I'd have let her ask first.

Still, I'd also have had discussed contraception way before she got a boyfriend and might just remind her of it.

Besides, the pill is not the best at this age. There are loads of STDS going round and she'll be safer in that respect with condoms.

Lweji · 02/10/2018 08:29

Speaking of STDs, it looks like she'd be better off talking contraception with a specialised clinic than you, if you think talking contraception is asking her if she wants to go on the pill for a first boyfriend.

Original poster
avenueq · 02/10/2018 09:38

Yes I accept the advice about contraception

But apart from that I am amazed at some people's uptightness on here

OP posts:
Sethis · 02/10/2018 09:50

Some people are judgemental as hell when it comes to sex. Ignore them.

From my point of view if you discussed the pill and discussed condoms, and made sure that she felt able to tell the guy what she does and does not like to do in the bedroom, I think that's pretty much all you have to do apart from make sure she knows she can come to you with any problems.

You aren't pressuring her into anything. I think anyone suggesting that needs to wind their neck in. Teens have sex. Your daughter is going to be having safe sex in the context of an existing relationship. That's pretty much the best possible outcome at the age of 17. Certainly it's preferable to drunk sex with strangers, or telling her "No, you shouldn't have sex until you're in your 20s, or married, or at any other arbitrary milestone, fingers in ears, lalalalaalalaaaaaa".

If you want to get her something to read in her own time I can strongly reccommend "The Guide to Getting It On". Pretty much a bible for good sex and good relationships that answers pretty much any question she could ever have in a positive and often funny manner.

owabno · 02/10/2018 09:51

But apart from that I am amazed at some people's uptightness on here

You are mistaking 'uptight' and protective.

Like I said before, you are supposed to be your daughters defence, not her encouragement.

I'm not against sex for teens, perfectly normal part of development. But your approach seems to be 'cool parent' rather than 'parent' which is what your daughter needs.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 02/10/2018 09:53

Ooooh super creepy. I was well on the road to exploring my burgeoning sexuality at 17, but would have died a thousand deaths if my Mum had tried to talk to me about doing it in a safe, secure, living environment etc etc. Make sure she’s clued up about pregnancy and STDs and how to avoid both and then step waaaayyyyyyyyyy back.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 02/10/2018 09:54

Loving not living.

user1457017537 · 02/10/2018 10:32

I wouldn’t be happy about my 17 yo DD shagging under my roof and neither would DH. If they are old enough to have sex they can find themselves somewhere.

owabno · 02/10/2018 10:42

wouldn’t be happy about my 17 yo DD shagging under my roof and neither would DH. If they are old enough to have sex they can find themselves somewhere.

I don't understand this attitude towards teenagers.

They ARE old enough to be having sex.

I'm of the opinion that I would rather my teens have a comfortable, relaxing and safe place to have sex. Just as I do. My home is my home. It's also their home. Sex at home is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

I just don't agree that OP seems t be proactive in encouraging sexual relationships that her DD may not actually want to have.

But your attitude is to the other extreme.

Weenurse · 02/10/2018 10:43

When my 16 going on 17 year old met her boyfriend, we had a chat about 6 months in about condoms and contraception. I work in sexual health so not an unusual conversation for us.
When she was 17 she asked if he could stay the night. Given that he lives an hour away by public transport. We said yes, in the spare room.
At 18 we allowed them to share a room.
We made it all about being open and receptive to questions and concerns. At 21 and 22 they are still together and very supportive of each other. Also they are quick to come to us for advice as they know they can discuss anything with us.
I think you are coming from the right place, just maybe a bit too soon. Let them set the pace of their relationship.

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