To not discourage, if not actively encourage, my 17 year old to have sex

[avenueq]

She's in a relationship with a boy her age. They're both really into each other. They've been together three months. Of course I'm not saying "you should do it" but I asked her if she wanted to go on the pill and I'm happy for him to stay over. My thinking is why not now when she is in familiar environment rather than at uni where everything's new and you might rush into things. Am I wrong?

well this is weird

If she wants to tell her boyfriend I won't allow staying over I'm more than happy to go along with that

Thumbs up for that. Support DS in all things, even if it means you have to play Nasty Cop.

you sound fab OP.

Thank you!!

@holyforkingshirt Yeah, I know they'll do it anyway. I was once a teenager whose parents didn't allow it in their house. Did me no harm.

Did me no harm is kind of the floor standard though isn't it? Did it help you develop better relationships?

I'd much rather my child felt comfortable discussing their sex life with me if they needed to and if they are going to have sex do it after careful thought in their own home.

NO teenager is going to be open with their parent if they hold ridiculous attitudes like "I know you're having sex but you can't have it in your own bed you have to sneak around instead".

I'm surprised so many people have such prudish ideas about sex still. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a mature 17 year old having sex with her boyfriend if she wants to.

Exactly, if and when she wants to, not when her mum thinks it's ok.
17 is still young and impressionable, don't let them think it's all easy, a nasty breakup in the middle of your a labels is no joke. They will do what they want, they are old enough to consent but I think you should caution being careful with your emotions. Don't put your daughter on a plate, let them find their own pace. Many a girl has been dumped after having se, it's not nice and emotions run high at this age

Did it help you develop better relationships? I've certainly had no issues with relationships. I do think, and always felt, it's a bit icky and a mood-killer to have sex while your parents are in the next room at any age. And it did encourage me to move out when I could rather than treat my parents' home like a b and b into my mid twenties, like some of my peers (not that there us anything wrong with that if all parties are happy with the situation and not that all those whose parents let them have sex in their homes end up not moving out). I don't judge those who do allow their kids to freely fornicate under their roof but I don't think it's the only way to go about it or that not allowing it is somehow damaging.

I'm surprised so many people have such prudish ideas about sex still. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a mature 17 year old having sex with her boyfriend if she wants to.

This!!

It's not prudish to think a mother shouldn't take a prurient interest in her daughter's sex life.

And again: I haven't asked her about any details or intentions. I have only discussed contraception and allowed him to stay over. How is that "prurient"?

You don’t know for a fact that he is a virgin and you only think your DD is one because that is what she’s told you, she might not be! Perhaps they are already having sex, she just doesn’t make her mum privy to that .

It’s important to discuss contraception of course but definitely don’t discourage condoms! They are a vital part of any new relationship and it’s best to get used to using them from the off.

You do seem overly involved with it, back off a bit and let her live.

It's not prudish to think a mother shouldn't take a prurient interest in her daughter's sex life.

I don't think the OP was suggesting she wants to know the salacious details but surely every responsible parent is interested in when their teenage children are beginning to form relationships and have sex. I would think it was very weird not to take an interest in such an important part of your child's life. OP isn't demanding her DD tells her everything but she's created an atmosphere in which her DD can talk to her if she wants to. How could that possibly be a bad idea?

I think a lot of the negative responses are a bit of an irrational old fashioned reaction of "yuck my child is having sex let's not think about it".

Of course it's uncomfortable to think of your child becoming sexually active but since it's going to happen I'd rather they felt they could come to me if needed. (Cultures that are more open about sex tend to actually have children who start having sex later with lower levels of unwanted pregnancy).

Losing your virginity is not such a case of lets get it over and done with before uni! Just let her live her own life and experiences. She may decide to wait until uni (or she may not) and it might be a better time for her then. I think you might need to get some hobbies before she leaves for uni. I mean that in a nice way because you are thinking way too much about your daughter's life.

Just leave her to it, with the knowledge that you have discussed contraception and that she can talk to you if she wants to. Other than that, her sex life isn't your business.

You really do not have to worry, I am not using my daughter for cheap thrills

Op- why would you allow your daughter's bf of three months to spend the night over ?? Does he live quite far???! I am genuinely
Asking !! Do you think it's necessary ?

I dunno - why wouldn't I?

Because he can sleep in his own bed in his own family home.

OP - I'm with you. I think that if they're in a solid relationship, there is nothing wrong with experimenting with sex if they're both ready for it. That's the only proviso I would add - that maybe your DD should ask you, rather than you making the suggestion. But it sounds to me like you're being very supportive and promoting an open relationship between you and your DD, where she feels she can talk to you. I agree with some of the advice being given here about boundaries, and also what PPs have said about condoms.
I think a lot of PPs are correlating issues which have no real relationship, such as adult children living at home, with being open and honest about sexual relationships. I wouldn't allow my (17 year old) DS to bring home girls he picked up at parties (he doesn't do this, btw) but he and his girlfriend stay over at each others' houses fairly regularly and have been together for a year now. We don't pry into their sex lives but he has come to me with some problems and questions, which I think is really great as it shows he knows he can talk to me. If I'd said she couldn't stay over, I don't think that would have happened.
OP, I think you've been on the receiving end of some unwarranted and unpleasant comments. Fwiw, I think you're going about it the right way.

Thank you very much Captain Nelson.

Re staying over - if you love somebody one of the loveliest things is falling asleep and waking up together. Why should a 17 year old not be allowed to experience that?

Re staying over - if you love somebody one of the loveliest things is falling asleep and waking up together. Why should a 17 year old not be allowed to experience that?

Oh come on OP, I thought as a parent you'd come up with a more mature reason than that! Sounds like a justification from a 17 year old who's trying to convince her mom to have her bf sleep over !!

They don't have to experience waking up together at 17, there's plenty of time for that ! They won't be missing out on much tbh!! Whatever happened to the two of them enjoying fun things like the cinema , ice skating , picnics, shopping, trips to the museum ?!!!! Gush I feel ancient and I'm only 30!

Surely they can do and enjoy all those as well as spend the night together?