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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - BF and Facebook

173 replies

HB2Me · 29/09/2018 10:28

I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. Our relationship hasn’t progressed to moving in or talk of marriage in that time. However, due to my family circumstances I have been happy to take things slowly.

We had what could be seen as a stupid argument last night. He is refusing to have me as a friend on his Facebook. Up until about a year ago his profile said he was single. Now that information is hidden.

He says that he sees me in real life so there’s no need to ‘add another channel of communication’. He also has all of his friends who he sees in real life on there (but apparently this is ok because he added them before he made a decision not to have any more friends on there). He also has his exes as friends and seemingly everyone else but me.

I appreciate FB is not real life but I find it very odd and hurtful that he won’t add me when he seemingly has no problems adding anyone else.

He thinks I’m strange and can’t understand why we need to be friends when we see each other in real life.

I asked him if he would be my friend (this sounds so tragic doesn’t it) and he said no.

AIBU and do I need to be handed a grip? I’d really appreciate some objective input. Smile

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 29/09/2018 10:30

That’s really odd. I’d be a bit suspicious about what he was trying to hide.

Waitingonasmiley42 · 29/09/2018 10:31

He is behaving very suspiciously. I would end the relationship because I couldn’t trust him.

NonaGrey · 29/09/2018 10:31

I don’t think FB itself is important but when out together with other things I’d have concerns.

I’d have particular concerns that you’ve been in a relationship for five years but he’s not prepared for that to show publically.

How old are you? Do you have time to waste like this?

LemonRedwood · 29/09/2018 10:32

My ex did exactly this. He is an ex because he was cheating on me repeatedly with anything that moved. Mostly through FB. We were together 6 years. Sorry.

NorthEndGal · 29/09/2018 10:32

2 things
Fb mighn't be real life, but it gets used to hide stuff in real life, so he's being hinky.

He knows it is upsetting you, but wont make any change. He only cares how he feels.

Both of these are reasons to take a good hard look at this relationship, and if it will go the distance.

BluebellsareBlue · 29/09/2018 10:35

I think the fb thing is just a snap shot of what might be fundamentally wrong in the relationship. I would honestly ask him "who are you hiding me from? Ir what are you hiding from me?". It's not specifically fb, it's what the fact he won't add you represents.

ChocolateOrIDie · 29/09/2018 10:37

Very very strange. Can you view his account or is it private to non friends? If so, does he have anyone as a friend that you could ask to take a look and see if there's anything suspicious on his wall etc?
I know you might sound paranoid or crazy doingthis but it is very weird that he doesn't want his gf of 5 years on his social media!

Original poster
HB2Me · 29/09/2018 10:41

I have asked him who he is hiding me from. He insists he isn’t and that he is just a private person.

He then gets defensive and tells me that he hates being pushed into doing things. I told him yesterday that his behaviour is hurtful and makes me feel excluded.

I do generally trust him but I don’t see the big deal in adding me as a FB friend. I’ve told him I hardly post anything and wouldn’t be messaging him on there. It just all feels blown out of proportion but he isn’t willing to compromise on anything. It’s his way or nothing.

If he’s like this over a FB friend request, what’s he going to be like over bigger stuff?

OP posts:
Original poster
HB2Me · 29/09/2018 10:43

I once looked at his public FB page and asked him why it said single. He hadn’t realised what could be seen and he then got his friend to make it totally private.

OP posts:
Celticlassie · 29/09/2018 10:48

It sounds like a far bigger issue that just fbook - especially the fact that as soon as he saw that you could see anything on it he locked it down. Add that to the fact that you're not even discussing living together or marriage and I think it's a LTB from me.

TeacupTattoo · 29/09/2018 10:52

I'm sorry but it does seem like he's keeping the truth of you from somebody. To not have you as a 'friend' and keep his relationship status secret seems very odd. Are his family on as friends at all? To be together as long as you have you should be feeling pretty secure that it's a long-term relationship and I don't get the impression you do feel this. I think you're going to have to talk to him some more.

Jasperoonicle · 29/09/2018 10:52

Honestly i would live him to his privacy and leave him full stop. Get out now, this relationship is going nowhere and he is wasting your time. Get rid of the secretive loser and move on to someone who is proud to have you in his life. This dude is pulling the wool for sure.

PurpleDaisies · 29/09/2018 10:52

He insists he isn’t and that he is just a private person.

So why is he on Facebook at all? Why is he friends with other people but not you?

This sounds really dodgy.

Foodylicious · 29/09/2018 10:54

Do you not have any shared friends on fb?

It's very odd of him.

AntiHop · 29/09/2018 10:56

There's no good reason for your partner to keep Facebook secret from you. It can only mean that he's having interactions with people that he does not want you to see. Cut your loses now and end the relationship.

Original poster
HB2Me · 29/09/2018 10:58

I could probably understand his reluctance a bit more if I was demanding access to his phone or FB messages but I’m not- I just want to be friends with him but his reaction has made me uncomfortable.

OP posts:
stingray586 · 29/09/2018 10:58

Sorry OP would not trust him. Your relationship hasn't developed in five years for one thing. How often do you see him? How well do you know his friends and family?

The Facebook thing is very weird. His is a private person yet he is friends with everyone except you. Sorry OP very dodgy.

Pinkprincess1978 · 29/09/2018 10:59

People can be as private as they like but not with their partner of 5 years. Surely the one person who you should be completely open with is your partner who he presumably loves?

My DH and I were together long before Facebook and Twitter were a thing but we both would be incredibly hurt if the other didn't follow/add each other.

Even got someone you live with or see regularly Facebook is still a great communication tool. For example if we see something the kids would like for Xmas we can share/tag/message each other a link likewise if we see something we might like the other to buy us or a place we might like to visit.

How old are you? Unless you got together at 12 I would say a relationship of 5 years should be progressing one way or another.

AhYeahOkayThen · 29/09/2018 11:00

He is hiding something, probably wants to use FB to keep his options open. I wouldn't be surprised if he has secret dating profiles too. That plus not moving forward in any way after 5 years???

I don't think this is a relationship worth wasting more of your time on, he isn't looking for real commitment and is just stringing you along.

Original poster
HB2Me · 29/09/2018 11:00

We don’t have any shared FB friends. I might add some of his friends on FB.

OP posts:
Bowerbird5 · 29/09/2018 11:02

Have you met any of his friends or family?

Original poster
HB2Me · 29/09/2018 11:03

I did have a suspicion that he had a dating profile on FB. He was using it one day and there was a Zoosk app on the sidebar.

I didn’t ask him about it but did some digging which didn’t turn up anything so I let it go. THis was about three years ago so it could have been from before we got together.

I’m mid 30s he is 9 years older.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 29/09/2018 11:07

That is not at all right, he is not being honest with you about something.

Original poster
HB2Me · 29/09/2018 11:08

I do see his family. I’ve met his friends but haven’t seen them for a while. He kept me secret from his friends for about two and a half years.

This will out me to anyone who knows me in RL but I don’t really care. He invited me out one night with his friends and when they asked him at dinner if we were dating, he told them he’d invited me because my date had stood me up and he felt sorry for me! Of course he denies that he said this but I was there! He also sat at the opposite end of the table and left me sitting on my own at the other end (the person next to me turned their back on me to talk to the person on the other side and there was no one opposite me).

OP posts:
BootsMagoots · 29/09/2018 11:08

Although Facebook isn't real life, your relationship is, so his behaviour is really odd. I'd personally be inclined to catfish him Halo

Surely this rings alarm bells for you, though. It gets to a point where you have to truly think is this the life you want? Is this where you want to be?

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