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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - BF and Facebook

173 replies

HB2Me · 29/09/2018 10:28

I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. Our relationship hasn’t progressed to moving in or talk of marriage in that time. However, due to my family circumstances I have been happy to take things slowly.

We had what could be seen as a stupid argument last night. He is refusing to have me as a friend on his Facebook. Up until about a year ago his profile said he was single. Now that information is hidden.

He says that he sees me in real life so there’s no need to ‘add another channel of communication’. He also has all of his friends who he sees in real life on there (but apparently this is ok because he added them before he made a decision not to have any more friends on there). He also has his exes as friends and seemingly everyone else but me.

I appreciate FB is not real life but I find it very odd and hurtful that he won’t add me when he seemingly has no problems adding anyone else.

He thinks I’m strange and can’t understand why we need to be friends when we see each other in real life.

I asked him if he would be my friend (this sounds so tragic doesn’t it) and he said no.

AIBU and do I need to be handed a grip? I’d really appreciate some objective input. Smile

OP posts:
QuimNiceButDim · 29/09/2018 17:16

OP, I mean this kindly but what has happened to you in your life that you think this treatment is acceptable?

HappyBumbleBee · 29/09/2018 17:26

I know this is the wrong thing to do, but I'd be tempted to cat fish him. Set up a fake profile with a profile picture of a hot woman and send him a friend request

Wrong or not, this is exactly what I would do!
I am sorry to say this though OP but I would say there's a strong 99.9% probability he's cheating. Xx
Go find someone who appreciates you and is happy to shoot it from the roof tops because life is too short to deal with dodgy a@&#*@&s like this guy xxx

spanishwife · 29/09/2018 17:27

OP you have one life... you've wasted 5 precious years of it on a man that doesn't give a flying f about you. Break away, and understand your worth. Your partner should be someone who supports and loves you, builds you up, helps you and that you can share the good moment with. They should want the same from you. It doesn't sound like he wants anything to do with you, never mind a partnership. You aren't getting anything from him except a diminishing sense of self-worth.

HappyBumbleBee · 29/09/2018 17:27

shout OMG mumsnet please give us/me an edit button!!!

TheSoapyFrog · 29/09/2018 17:42

I've been in a similar situation. When he finally did add me, I was clearly on restricted as i couldn't see all his photos or friends. If i tagged him, he would take the tag off. My friend did some stalking and found he had several other profiles which i was completely blocked from and she saw one with him with another woman which said they were in a relationship. I confronted him, I got unfriended and blocked and the other woman's profile was now locked down. He spun some line and as i was not in a good place mentally, I fell for it. When he eventually added me, I saw a post from him slagging me off and saying I was stalking him and all his friends had joined in. Needless to say I was blocked again. Facebook is a part of our lives now, dodgy behaviour on there usually equates to dodgy behaviour away from it.

Decemberly · 29/09/2018 18:46

OP, this reminds me so much of my ex. Not the Facebook thing as we were on it as ‘in a relationship’, but there were other things he could have done to make me feel more secure, especially as we were in a long distance relationship (eg deleting numbers of one night stands from just before we met, putting me at ease about late night “are you out tonight? x” type messages sent by a female friend and so on) but he flatly refused to, would huff if discussed and had an issue with being ‘told what to do’. Looking back, I think he enjoyed the control he had, there was no compromise and things had to be on his terms.

He was also emotionally cold, and when this upset me he made me feel like I was behaving completely irrationally.

So for these types of behaviours alone I would get out of this relationship quickly as things will not improve. He has shown you who he is from an early stage, and that won’t change.

On top of that, his refusal to acknowledge you to his friends for years and even now not adding you on Facebook suggest to me that he is cheating or at least keeping his options open and acting like a single man on social media.

Sadly, from reading the experiences of other Mumsnetters, men like this are more common than I realised, but they behave like this towards us because we tolerate it. Thankfully, there are lots of lovely, caring men out there who will respect you, be considerate of your feelings, and treat you as an equal, and so you shouldn’t waste any more time on this relationship, it will never make you happy.

AhYeahOkayThen · 29/09/2018 19:04

Ok I've read all the updates...

RUN!!!

Especially run if you are looking for marriage and kids. He will never truly commit and it sounds like he's ashamed of you. Sad

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/09/2018 19:37

You deserve better than this.

MyLearnedFriend · 29/09/2018 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katinkka · 29/09/2018 20:22

IF you're on fb and he's on fb then it's entirely reasonable you at least be 'friends' on there. Personally, I would insist on 'in a relationship'. Anyway I'd cut this guy loose.

Original poster
HB2Me · 29/09/2018 20:30

He texted me earlier today like nothing had happened.

I’ve just messaged him back saying that I was hurt he wasn’t prepared to consider my feelings or st least try to compromise. I’ve told him that I am not willing to accept his position and I’m not sure how we can move forward.

No reply surprisingly. Hmm

I wanted to give him a chance to show he cares about me but it would appear he doesn’t give two hoots.

Thanks everyone- it’s pretty unanimous.

OP posts:
PippaPenny · 29/09/2018 20:31

I posted a little of my story earlier. I wanted to explain why I stayed, maybe it will resonate with the OP or others like us. 'Emotionally cold' sums it up, but always blaming me, making me feel I was too demanding (long distance, met once a fortnight...yet too demanding!) I would agonise over whether I even dared send him a text.

The 'biggie' was playing the 'damaged man' - 'my ex wife cheated and I can't trust' - I wanted to help him, wanted to fix him, wanted to be the one he trusted. I excused him based on this; I tried harder; I tried to walk away, time and time again but just when I had got him out of my system he would reappear and offer me just a little more. He made me into something I never wanted to be - suspicious, trying to find him out.

I did have a very big last laugh, I outed him through pretending I had a sexually transmitted disease - he had to travel to be tested - he carefully admitted he had slept with 1 woman - but pretty soon word was out that he had fathered a child by someone else.

I could write a book!

PippaPenny · 29/09/2018 20:34

You know though OP once I had worked through the deceit, realised I was better than that, I was relieved.
I made the decision to out him, knew it would be the end, but was so relieved to get to that point, to break the cycle and be free of it.

Good luck!

Gemini69 · 29/09/2018 21:19

OP I hope you can see your own worth.. outside your 'relationship' with this man.. but you absolutely deserve better... Flowers

timeisnotaline · 29/09/2018 21:44

’ve just messaged him back saying that I was hurt he wasn’t prepared to consider my feelings or st least try to compromise.

He hasn’t done any of these things in the 5 years he’s been sleeping with you. It’s pretty unlikely he will start now.

LongDarkTeatime · 30/09/2018 01:14

Feeling for you OP.
My first love and ‘love of my life’ was similar. TBH I’ve never totally got over him but luckily for me he moved on and left me. I’m really ashamed to admit I don’t know if I’d have had the strength to leave him (I was a very immature 23 Yr old) but now realise that I’m much much better off without him.

I can only suggest that you re-read your posts and imagine it is a good friend of yours telling you about their relationship. What would you say to them?
Then trust yourself and your own instincts.

BatShitBrenda · 30/09/2018 01:22

His initials are not MS are they?

Unlikely, but he sounds a lot like someone I crossed paths with a few yrs ago

IlonaRN · 30/09/2018 01:32

My sister had something similar with an ex. A mutual friend saw a picture of him with another girl - he had been two-timing them!

PurpleFlower1983 · 30/09/2018 07:41

Do you have an attractive friend he doesn’t know who could add him? I bet he adds her. Sounds like a liar to me.

Original poster
HB2Me · 30/09/2018 08:28

Brenda no. The initials aren’t MS . It sounds like there are two of them out there.

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 30/09/2018 09:08

@HB2ME There are many more than two of this type out there...

In your shoes I would not contact him. My guess is that as you describe him as emotionally cold, you do most of the running in the relationship. Don't fuel this - hide your phone of you have to, but do not message him.

You said in your OP that because of family circumstances you are happy to take things slowly... but the tone of your updates suggest that you are not happy with the way things are between you. Only you can decide what works for you.

BUT... I think sometimes relationships are like MLM businesses... you are quite invested before you realise it isn't working, but by then you feel you have too much to lose to walk away...

I guess my question is, would you be comfortable being in the same place in another five years? If not, time to make some changes... and you can't change him.

Original poster
HB2Me · 30/09/2018 10:05

Yes, sorry chocolate I wasn’t trying to minimise other people’s suffering. I appreciate that there are probably thousands of emotionally closed men (and women) around.

I was just trying to make light of my situation a little bit. I hope I haven’t offended you. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
HB2Me · 30/09/2018 10:08

And to answer your question- the idea of still being the same in 5 years fills me with dread. But it has taken me long time to get to this point.

OP posts:
expatia · 30/09/2018 10:14

HB2Me, I can really recommend the book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, by Natalie Lue, you can get it through her website www.baggagereclaim.co.uk which also has lots of good articles. I was recommended it by Mumsnetters after my third disastrous relationship with an unavailable man in a row, and it really has been a lightbulb moment for me. It's like reading about my life, and not only looks at how to identify and deal with one of these situations but at why we put up with them. It will give you a lot of clarity and strength, I promise you!

itsbritneybiatches · 30/09/2018 10:15

He would rather hide his relationship status than change it to in a relationship?

He doesn't sound respectful of your feelings.
He sounds shady.
He does not appear to be a very
Nice person.

Hope you can walk away from him.

Your not happy now by the sounds of things and all the time
Your with the wrong one you are stopping yourself meeting the right one