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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - BF and Facebook

173 replies

HB2Me · 29/09/2018 10:28

I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. Our relationship hasn’t progressed to moving in or talk of marriage in that time. However, due to my family circumstances I have been happy to take things slowly.

We had what could be seen as a stupid argument last night. He is refusing to have me as a friend on his Facebook. Up until about a year ago his profile said he was single. Now that information is hidden.

He says that he sees me in real life so there’s no need to ‘add another channel of communication’. He also has all of his friends who he sees in real life on there (but apparently this is ok because he added them before he made a decision not to have any more friends on there). He also has his exes as friends and seemingly everyone else but me.

I appreciate FB is not real life but I find it very odd and hurtful that he won’t add me when he seemingly has no problems adding anyone else.

He thinks I’m strange and can’t understand why we need to be friends when we see each other in real life.

I asked him if he would be my friend (this sounds so tragic doesn’t it) and he said no.

AIBU and do I need to be handed a grip? I’d really appreciate some objective input. Smile

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 29/09/2018 11:09

If that’s a accurate, you need to find your self respect and dump him. Why is it ok for him to treat you like that? Why in earth did you put up with being kept secret for over two years?

ChocoholicsAsylum · 29/09/2018 11:09

Dont even add his friends, tell him his actions are that of a dodgey prick and you cant be arsed anymore. End it and have a nice life - sounds like an absolute twat. Or if you really want to do the whole stalker thing make up a profile and add him.

Original poster
HB2Me · 29/09/2018 11:12

He only told them when I threatened to walk away. However, the feeling of him being ashamed of me has stuck.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 29/09/2018 11:12

But not stuck enough to make you dump him.

Seriously, why are you still together?

HolyFuckNuggets · 29/09/2018 11:14

Oh fucking hell OP he's a shady sort. GET RID. That incident at the dinner should have told you all you need to know.

He's hiding things on facebook. There really isn't any other reason not to add you, unless he's embarrassed by you? If so, then that's another reason to dump him.

MrsMozart · 29/09/2018 11:14

He doesn't sound like a grand person to be with really.

Whilst FB isn't 'real life' per se, it is part of it for many people, and if you're on it then why wouldn't you have your OH connected on it as well.

stepmummamumma · 29/09/2018 11:16

He is treating you terribly. Get rid immediately.

ledzepplintooasiseclectic · 29/09/2018 11:18

Well I think FB isn’t the issue here. He takes you out with friends and tells them he has brought you because your date let you down. And your still with him?

Hanyu · 29/09/2018 11:19

I know this is the wrong thing to do, but I'd be tempted to cat fish him. Set up a fake profile with a profile picture of a hot woman and send him a friend request.

The sensible thing to do is to realise this is all dodgy and break up with him.

SunnyCoco · 29/09/2018 11:23

Are you happy in this relationship?

bunintheoven88 · 29/09/2018 11:23

I would be inclined to agree with @BootsMagoots however, after reading about the dinner incident I would just say get rid. Is it really worth it? He's allowing you to think something dodgy is going on and doesn't care, plus isn't taking your feelings into account at all. Your worth more than that. That's no life to live!

Heidimay · 29/09/2018 11:23

I totally understand what you're saying OP. I know "he won't be my Facebook friend" all sounds a bit lame but that's not the point at all here. I just can't see why it would matter to him, I can't think of one good reason why it would be a big deal. Would he make a new friend who he decides is his BFF and say "sorry, I'm not accepting any more FB friends, you'll have to join the waiting list for now." No way! It sounds like very fishy behaviour. People have different opinions on whether it's ok to have exes on Facebook, but to have exes although not you seems really odd. I'm sorry but I'd be extremely suspicious of this guy. I hope you gain some clarity and insight into the issue soon. X

Heidimay · 29/09/2018 11:26

I just looked back and saw your comments about your imaginary date having let you down. Please get rid of this guy, he sounds like very bad news. I'm sorry to hear of the upset this situation has caused you but there are much better people out there x

SerenDippitty · 29/09/2018 11:27

OP you deserve so much better than this. That dinner incident was appalling. What are you actuallly getting out of this relationship?

ciderhouserules · 29/09/2018 11:28

He's keeping you on the back burner, OP. He doesn't tell people about you? He keeps his fb status 'private'?

I'd get rid. He wants to appear single.

Starlings27 · 29/09/2018 11:30

His wife is on there so he doesn’t want her to see you - that was my immediate thought.

LydiaLunch7 · 29/09/2018 11:31

I think FB arguments are usually a load of old shite, but why would he not add you as a friend? Totally weird, plus with all your follow-up posts, this guy sounds awful.

Just another mumsnetter inexplicably staying in a relationship with a total arsehole for no good reason.

Namechange8471 · 29/09/2018 11:32

5 years and you're not even friends on Facebook or living together?

Get rid!

For context I took things slow with dp, we added each other on Facebook after a few months, our relationship was official after a year and we moved in together after 2 years.

I know some will say forget the Facebook thing, I'm not mad about it myself but it does sound as though he's keeping his options open....

HopefullyAnonymous · 29/09/2018 11:33

I think he’s married! Have you met his family?

FunSponges · 29/09/2018 11:34

Seriously OP, you should have walked after that appalling meal. He isn't serious about you

viques · 29/09/2018 11:34

I have an old pair of straighteners, they were ok once, still work and are handy to have in an emergency situation in case my newer ones pack up. But I don't have them out on my dressing table for the world to see, they are in their box at the bottom of my wardrobe.

Does any of this sound familiar OP? Are you effectively being kept in a box at the bottom of the wardrobe.

People who want to be "private" tend not to have active Facebook accounts, even well secured ones.

bridgetreilly · 29/09/2018 11:37

Sweetheart, this is really, really hard, but it sounds like you're not his girlfriend. You're someone he's using when he feels like it but not including in his life, on or offline. Being FB friends is not that big a deal, but hiding his profile completely, listing himself as single, lying about you being his date to his friends. I don't know whether he's seeing anyone else or not, but he's definitely not serious about you. I'm sorry.

TeddybearBaby · 29/09/2018 11:38

Why have you put up with all of this for so long? The whole thing I mean...... the denial, the turning his back at dinner, pretending you’re not together. Just why?

Thehop · 29/09/2018 11:38

He’s using you at best. Please walk away. Catfish him if you need to, but absolutely bloody dump him.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 29/09/2018 11:39

Facebook isn't important which makes it even stranger that he won't just add you as a friend why is it a big deal for him to keep you out? I'd be very wary.

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