AIBU - BF and Facebook

[HB2Me]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. Our relationship hasn’t progressed to moving in or talk of marriage in that time. However, due to my family circumstances I have been happy to take things slowly.

We had what could be seen as a stupid argument last night. He is refusing to have me as a friend on his Facebook. Up until about a year ago his profile said he was single. Now that information is hidden.

He says that he sees me in real life so there’s no need to ‘add another channel of communication’. He also has all of his friends who he sees in real life on there (but apparently this is ok because he added them before he made a decision not to have any more friends on there). He also has his exes as friends and seemingly everyone else but me.

I appreciate FB is not real life but I find it very odd and hurtful that he won’t add me when he seemingly has no problems adding anyone else.

He thinks I’m strange and can’t understand why we need to be friends when we see each other in real life.

I asked him if he would be my friend (this sounds so tragic doesn’t it) and he said no.

AIBU and do I need to be handed a grip? I’d really appreciate some objective input.

One question she looks at is this idea of investment - as you say, I've taken so long to get to this point. But you aren't actually any further on than you were years ago - it's just an illusion that makes you feel like you can't give up your investment now.

Jeeezz he sounds like a bloke I dated for 2 years, was apparently just "emotionally cold" never really saw his friends, h3 didn't have much family, would go anywhere too local with me, I'm embarrassed to say it took me that time to realise I was his bit on the side, he stayed at mine so I never twigged, his gf worked away in the week!! He's now married the poor woman, after digging I found I wasn't the first! Just your gut, he sounds like a wrong un, I wish I'd trusted mine!!!!

Oh my goodness this brings back so many (bad) memories! I was with someone similar for over 5 years and took me that long to realise he just wouldn't change. At the time I couldn't see it but I now see that the way he behaved was emotionally abusive - he also kept me secret, flirted with other women, kept exes he was still friends with on FB dangling as if they might get back together, was cold and unemotional, wouldn't speak to me for days after any minor argument, the list goes on and on. I left him eventually and it was such a relief not to have to constantly second guess what he might be up to or how he would react to something I had supposedly done. I suspect he did cheat on me but I will never know (and no longer care!). The lack of response to the things you have said to him gives you your answer, I would waste no more time on this man and walk away. Good luck

OP - I hope you have actually finished with him. I hope he isn;t using this time of silence to 'clean up' his fb, set up a new one (and move all his 'friends' (and others) to there. And then Ta-Da! He'll friend you on fb, and you'll STFU!

And things will go back to 'normal' and he will still be emotionally cold. And you will still not know where you stand.

I hope he stays dumped.

When I say it’s taken me years to get to this point, I meant that I’m finally now seeing that I deserve more and that he treats me badly.

This makes me so sad, no one deserves to be hidden away for 5 years. It will be hard to move on but he has made it easier by not letting any of his life or friends to become entangled with yours.

Please dump him, you deserve so much better than this

You will look back with the right man in 5 years time and think what an absolute sleaze this joker you are with now dump him, this is not normal

Oh god @BatShitBrenda, I was with an emotionally cold MS (I was in hospital about to go under the knife for an EMCS to deliver his child, he was reluctant to ring in to work because no one at his work knew anything about me, never mind the pregnancy, they all thought he was still with his ex from three years previously)

Look up the sunk cost fallacy

@HB2ME - oh, please don't think I was offended. Not at all. Nor did I think you were minimising. I was just saying that you are not alone - unfortunately, these stories are scarily common.

I think it's great that you are starting to ask yourself if you deserve better. I was in a different sort of situation, but I took a lot longer than that to get out.

I don't know this man, but sometimes people can reel you back in with the right words and a short period of extra effort to get you thinking there is some hope.

I hope that you have lots of RL support.

I'm so glad you started this thread.

You've gone from do I need to be handed a grip to I deserve more than that, he treats me badly.

I'm so glad you can see that now and that means you can find someone great or not but either way you won't waste your life being stuck with a twat!

Be strong, OP, he sounds like a dick.

My DH is fairly private on Facebook, never put his relationship status up, didn't like me tagging him in photos and never accepted my request to link him as 'in a relationship'. It took us 9 years to get engaged.

But we were 'friends' on FB, I was introduced to all his friends and family, we lived together officially after a year.

You deserve someone who is proud to have you as their partner.

I really hope you can see you are worth more than this.

How are things now OP?

You are worth so much more.
Bin him off, block him, never look back.

Take good care of yourself and build your self confidence and self worth right back up, life can only get better without this dead weight of a supposed relationship.

Good luck

Hello, just to update you. I tried to talk to him and it didn’t go well. We are taking what I think will be a permanent break. I haven’t seen him in a week and I’m not missing him at all.

Thanks for all your views - you’ve helped more than you know.

Hi OP.
Thanks for the update. Well done for being strong. Thinking of you.

Glad you are moving on with your life :)

If he contacts you again tell him to go hug a land mine

OP

I'm so glad you are done with him! He sounds bloody awful. You deserve so much better!

Good call. Know your worth. Hope you're ok