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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - BF and Facebook

173 replies

HB2Me · 29/09/2018 10:28

I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. Our relationship hasn’t progressed to moving in or talk of marriage in that time. However, due to my family circumstances I have been happy to take things slowly.

We had what could be seen as a stupid argument last night. He is refusing to have me as a friend on his Facebook. Up until about a year ago his profile said he was single. Now that information is hidden.

He says that he sees me in real life so there’s no need to ‘add another channel of communication’. He also has all of his friends who he sees in real life on there (but apparently this is ok because he added them before he made a decision not to have any more friends on there). He also has his exes as friends and seemingly everyone else but me.

I appreciate FB is not real life but I find it very odd and hurtful that he won’t add me when he seemingly has no problems adding anyone else.

He thinks I’m strange and can’t understand why we need to be friends when we see each other in real life.

I asked him if he would be my friend (this sounds so tragic doesn’t it) and he said no.

AIBU and do I need to be handed a grip? I’d really appreciate some objective input. Smile

OP posts:
Icantbelieveitsnotnutter · 29/09/2018 11:40

Any person should want to show off their partner to some extent. He's a total arse, get rid and find someone who isn't a massive headfuck. He's hanging around for someone supposedly "better" to come along with you faithfully waiting in the background. I believe you will be the one getting someone better if you cut ties. Not him. Sorry to sound so blunt, it can be hard to give up on a relationship. I've been there Flowers

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 29/09/2018 11:42

This is a huge red flag.

Some people are so unready to commit that they behave as if they are single. He is not worth investing in.

TimIsHavingABadDay · 29/09/2018 11:43

WHy the holy fuck are you with this piece of shit? he is clearly and blatantly ashamed of you, is 99.9% likely to be cheating and you are just putting up with it year after year like its normal.

Please, get rid of this looser and find somebody that appreciates you. Maybe get some counselling to increase your self esteem. You are worth so much more!

PippaPenny · 29/09/2018 11:44

Just so hurtful isn't it? I can empathize. . I went through similar. I was made to feel like a 'bunny-boiler' for asking to be part of his social media life. Like you, I went to a party with him ( two years into the relationship) and a colleague of his asked him 'is this your partner?' - and he answered with 'no we travelled from the same town, she is just my taxi driver'. Gutting!

This man had numerous other women, fathered a child, was on numerous dating sites and was just keeping his options open .

It ground me down, made me question myself - was I really 'suffocating' him? (his words), he really knocked my confidence. I let it go on for 4 years...yes I was stupid once too! Look after you!

NotTheFordType · 29/09/2018 11:45

An ex of mine did similar.

Turned out his wife thought they were still together.

PippaPenny · 29/09/2018 11:46

viques so well put!

Imelda03 · 29/09/2018 11:46

It's not something I'd even waste my time on. If a man didn't want to add me to his social media after being a long term girlfriend then I'd know he was shady and I'd have said my goodbyes. People take their cues from you. If you put up with it then he'll do it.

We arent talking just met him last night stalker hiis fb one night stand here! He knows by saying no he is being is shady and wrong and rude and just plain being an arse. Your his gf but he's happy to treat you that way. Nope .....I'd have been long gone ..the moment his little friend helped him make his fb more private....just so you couldn't see anything.....he's a douche bag

DisneyMice · 29/09/2018 11:46

This is more than hurtful, it's ridiculous.
It sounds petty on the face of it 'my bf won't add me on fb', but really its 'my bf is not integrating me into his social network'. It sounds like he's doing that both digitally and 'IRL' .
Either he doesn't want you to see something or doesn't want people to know about you.

Totally upsetting and unfair. Time to reconsider whether it's worth the upset x

Oldraver · 29/09/2018 11:49

What do you want out of life ? Do you envisage living together, marriage or children ? (ok if your not)

If you are then I think you have wasted the last five years on this wanker. Five years where you could of met someone who actually would be proud to tell the world about you. Dont let this wanker stael anymore of your future.

CryingOverSpiltMilk · 29/09/2018 11:52

I'm sorry, he's a dickhead. You deserve better. That bit about him inviting you because a date stood you up and he felt sorry for you speaks volumes. I don't think he's ashamed of you, he has no respect for women and probably thinks he's really slick and can play anyone he wants to get what he wants. You don't want to be more committed, it'll only hurt worse years down the line.

londonrach · 29/09/2018 11:54

Fb isnt important. However the fact he not saying publically...is he married

spanishwife · 29/09/2018 11:55

I can't imagine being with someone for 5 years and not having any shared friends - to me that is the biggest red flag in this thread.

gamerwidow · 29/09/2018 11:58

I have asked him who he is hiding me from. He insists he isn’t and that he is just a private person.
Not so private if he is happy to share his life on FB with everyone but you though.

This is a control thing as much as anything else to keep you on your toes and wondering.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/09/2018 11:59

Stop wasting your life on this lying, controlling man.

He has no respect for you.

sarahC40 · 29/09/2018 12:02

Sorry, OP, it really doesn’t sound as though he likes you very much. Don’t waste more years on this one.

Ginkypig · 29/09/2018 12:04

Why would you allow yourself to be treated so badly?

Don't you realise how fucking great you are?

You are worth more than this!

It doesn't matter what his reasons are a few examples being,
He's in a relationship (making you the other woman)
He's ashamed of you
He's got "commitment issues"
He is dating other women
He sees you as a casual relationship

it doesn't matter, all of the above make him a cunt

Take back your dignity hb2me!

No person who is supposed to love and care about me would get the opportunity to treat me this way because I think I'm worth more than to have someone who patently doesn't care. I care enough about myself to be alone than to be treated like utter crap!

Blankspace4 · 29/09/2018 12:04

Very unusual. It’s been 5 years??!

I don’t use Facebook all that much but surely there have been some shared experiences - days out, hols / breaks etc it would be totally normal to post on Facebook?!

Sadly it would be break up territory for me, not because Facebook is important, but because honesty is.

Missingstreetlife · 29/09/2018 12:14

You deserve better. Even if he's just anxious or shy, he's not that into you, he takes no step to explain, meet you half way or understand how you feel. You ask how is it going to be, you know the answer.
He's a selfish person with commitment, communication and control issues. Get rid, run and don't look back. Someone much nicer will come along

Ginger1982 · 29/09/2018 12:15

Why are you with this person? Do you think so little of yourself??

Sirzy · 29/09/2018 12:21

No mutual friends After 5 years? That Alone would ring alarm bells!

disappearingninepatch · 29/09/2018 12:24

How soon into the relationship was the dinner with his friends? Why did you stay with his for 2 1/2 years when he was denying that you were in a relationship. Why are you putting up with his current treatment of you?

I'm not one to say LTB, but feel you do need to value yourself more than this.

userabcname · 29/09/2018 12:24

He is playing you OP. Get rid.

Original poster
HB2Me · 29/09/2018 12:25

I am starting to realise that he is not a nice person. I used to let it wash over me because he’d always have a rational explanation and made me feel like I was acting irrationally.

I told him that his behaviour was hurting me and whilst I accepted I couldn’t force him to be friends on FB it made me look at him in a different light.

He then expected me to have sex with him and was put out when I told him
I wasn’t in the mood.

I left shortly after this and haven’t heard from him since. Which is unusual for him.

OP posts:
Courtney555 · 29/09/2018 12:27

I had this. Exactly this. I stuck around for two years before I found he was messaging anything he could find online.

You deserve to be treated, as a minimum, with honesty and respect. He's showing you neither.

Sorry, but you need to leave him. He wants the world to think he's single, so let him be.

Original poster
HB2Me · 29/09/2018 12:27

The dinner with friends was about three years ago. I also found out last week that during the time I was kept secret, his friend’s wife had a 40th birthday party. I wasn’t invited and at the party they were trying to set him up with another woman.

OP posts: