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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the age gap is a bit odd

247 replies

NameC123 · 27/09/2018 23:38

A male friend of mine (29) has started dating a 17 year old, he's being perfectly respectful toward her but AIBU to think the age gap makes it a weird.

He has children and she still lives with her parents.

I haven't said anything as it's frankly none of my business because she's legal but was wondering what others think and whether I'm BU and a bit judgemental?

OP posts:
Pepper123123 · 30/09/2018 10:41

My first adult relationship had a 21 year age gap.

I was 18, he was 39. It was one of the most stable, loving and fun-filled relationships I've ever had.

Sasstal67 · 30/09/2018 10:56

When I was 17 I dated a 29yr old. In my naivety I thought I was oh so sophisticated to be running around with a 'man of the world'. To him, I was merely a symbol of his continued virility, despite the rapidly receding hairline. No, it didn't last but it was puppy love, so no lasting damage.

Dam0 · 30/09/2018 11:01

Hang on?! What if up untill the parens asked they weren't bothered about the 'age gap' as had assumed from their own opinion that the 39 yr old was in his mid 20 something's and assumed no resentment from his youthful appearance infact she had he not told her his true age. She would have not had to worry. Thus being easier to accept without any guilt nor any attention to it's relevance. Which scenario would elevate the least awkwardness. Both deceptful but neither is going to be easier to swallow or digest when only one of the scenarios other than telling others the truth and being given the benefit of the doubt that neither individual could possibly actually know what they were doing besides doing or saying what people want to hear not what they choose to want themselves?

Bluelady · 30/09/2018 11:05

This few months is a pretty moveable feast on here If she was barely legal a few months ago (minimum 12), the she's the same amount of time away from being an adult (maximum 12, in reality probably a lot less). She won't magically change the day she celebrates her 18th birthday.

It's quite amazing how narrow minded people are about this kind of thing. Hard to believe it's the 21st century.

justsmellingthecoffee · 30/09/2018 11:15

What life is he trying to rekindle? OH had an acquaintance of this age, also going out with a 17-year old girl a short time after his marriage ended. According to OH there was only one interest he had in this girl! I did ask him what he would think if his own daughter was in that situation a few years down the line. We didn't see him after that. He just wanted his mates to know what a stud he was. Do I think all men are like that? An adult with a child? IMO, yes.

annikin · 30/09/2018 11:23

I was 18 when I was with a 31 year old, but even looking back I don't feel remotely exploited. It was a nice relationship and finished when I wanted it to. We stayed friends (even now, 25 years later)

annikin · 30/09/2018 11:24

Not sure I'd like it for my dd though!

Dam0 · 30/09/2018 11:36

It's all irrellavent (Unless other people and more to the point unnecessary) to make it into an issue had people realised it was nobodies business in the first place. Either you choose to believe you have a fundamental right to object. Or alternatively to not give a damn anyway as none of their concern. Oh wait?! I really want to be respected that's ok because she was 21 when we met now she is 23 so it's only going to work out if I stay looking a lot less than approaching 42 it's never going to work out unless I find that damn 'Holy Grail' and drink from the fountain of youth I plan to obtain....
DILLYGAF

straightjeans · 30/09/2018 11:44

It's not the gap, it's her age. Just because it's legal doesn't make it less gross.

Bluelady · 30/09/2018 11:48

But it isn't her age at all. You wouldn't say it was gross if he was 18.

CosyLulu · 30/09/2018 11:55

I’m not sure saying it’s gross is v mature in itself!

People mature at different stages. If nobody is being exploited or used then who cares?

ButAIBUtho · 30/09/2018 11:57

I met DH when I was 17 and he was 29.
Still together 20 years on.

Not gonna lie, when I got to 29 I found it fucking weird to think about shagging a 17 year old. But meh, it was done by that pointZ

Gottagetmoving · 30/09/2018 12:49

My mum was 17 when she married my dad who was almost 26.
They didn't have a child until 8 years later.
They were together for 40 years until she died. My dad was quiet and quite shy, my mum, just the opposite and she was always the one in charge.
Everyone is different. You really can't label a relationship of people you don't know, as gross!

usertenmillion · 30/09/2018 13:43

Can you get married at 17?

I thought you had to be 18?

gummywitch · 30/09/2018 13:51

It's about life stages, as an earlier poster pointed out. DD is 30 and blissfully married to her DH aged 53. They've been together for 8 years. At 17 she was still very much a teen starting out tho. Shed'v been horrified at such a huge age gap then. Fast forward 6 years and she'd worked, gone through uni, left home, had hols and travelled eith friends etc. Met him and knew he was 'the one'. He is young in outlook and looks and they complement each other very well. So a big age gap can and does work. Seems wrong somehow if girl is 17 tho. Unless you're a celeb. Like the girl isbeing taken advantage of, maybe.

dorisdog · 30/09/2018 15:14

Yep. YNBU. My DD is nearly 17. We have friends who are in their late 20s early 30s. If any of them we're sexually interested in my DD I'd be pretty pissed off to say the least!

dorisdog · 30/09/2018 15:20

Also, to people saying 'this is the 21st century,' 'it's no-ones business' etc, predatory behaviour by older men towards young teenage girls was so normalised and commonplace during the 80s and 90s that actually, being a bit suspicious about this kind of behaviour, is 'moving on with the times.' It may be that there's nothing predatory about older men/teenage girls, in certain circumstances but it's right to be a bit questioning of it, after so many decades of sexual predatory behaviour being normalised.

straightjeans · 30/09/2018 15:23

Just reverse the situation. At 29 would any of you have dated a 17 year old? If not, why are you fine with it when the situation is reversed?

Bluelady · 30/09/2018 15:24

You can get married at 16, user. You need your parents' permission if you're under 18.

Pocketangel · 30/09/2018 15:44

I teach students this age and legally we still have to get parental consent to take them on school trips. There are safeguarding issues in place and all the adults in school that deal with these 17 year olds have to have police clearance. If he worked as a teacher in her school, he’d have to be cleared by police to have contact with her. That’s all I have to say about the situation. It’s a bit odd that he would choose a 17 year girlfriend.

Gottagetmoving · 30/09/2018 15:54

It’s a bit odd that he would choose a 17 year girlfriend

Maybe he didn't choose her because she was 17....maybe he chose a person, not an age.

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/09/2018 16:01

I know a few 12 year + age gap relationships. With a teenager and an older guy.

They were all married and with kids and very secure in their relationship last time I heard

I think it depends on the people involved. Sometimes the teenager is more mature than the older partner.

timeforwinenow · 30/09/2018 16:07

Reverse it. How about a 29 yo woman going out with a 17 yo boy? Ewww

IcedPurple · 30/09/2018 16:44

@timeforwinenow

I've made the same point several times. I've been following this thread since the start, and while there are countless examples of women describing their oh-so-healthy teen relationships with adult men, with one single exception (and even then the age difference was only about 8 years) we have no women on here telling us all about how they met a lovely 'mature' 17 year old boy when he was living at home with mum and dad, and then went on to marry and have kids within a few years. Strange, that.

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/09/2018 17:28

I actually know if one. They are very happy and upteen years on he looks older than her