Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the age gap is a bit odd

247 replies

NameC123 · 27/09/2018 23:38

A male friend of mine (29) has started dating a 17 year old, he's being perfectly respectful toward her but AIBU to think the age gap makes it a weird.

He has children and she still lives with her parents.

I haven't said anything as it's frankly none of my business because she's legal but was wondering what others think and whether I'm BU and a bit judgemental?

OP posts:
jackio2205 · 29/09/2018 19:48

The fact that there are so many differing opinions on this shows its controversial. People are sticking up for it, others against it.

Me personally, if my 17 year old came home with a much older man with kids... there would be some stroooooong words. It really isn't the number, everyone is individual, but its the life stages that get me, like he's got kids and his new girlfriend is school age? Just bloody weird, it doesn't match and I cannot see how he feels that a 17 would be a good partner (considering at some point girlfriends will turn into a step mother) and let alone how he's attracted to her? Yes I'm sure she's lovely, sure she's got lots to offer, which is why she should be with someone closer to her age so they can learn and become adults together!
X

toxic44 · 29/09/2018 19:51

Keep your neb out and stop looking for outrage where there is none
Exactly. On our wedding day my beloved was three times my age. So what? We had a 35-year honeymoon. Stop being so judgmental; if same-age is so perfect, how come there are so many divorces? If it works for them, what harm? If it doesn't, it's often the older person who gets dumped and all the head-nodders smirk, 'Serves him/her right.' Why? Why does it serve anyone right to be dumped when their 'crime', in the on-looker's eye, is to be older?

Lalala2018 · 29/09/2018 20:22

When I was 16 my ex husbands was 29. It was a bit odd but now we are 30 and 43 and time closed that gap. We broke up because I grew up in guess and he perhaps didn't expect that. We got married and had kids so in all fairness, each to their own.

Lalala2018 · 29/09/2018 20:23

Horrific typos but you get the jist...

Thisworldsnofun · 29/09/2018 22:21

If she's under 18, it's technically illegal. If police got involved he could end up being prosecuted and put on the sex offenders register. Not trying to say she's the innocent party and it's all his fault but that's how the law sees it. For what it's worth, I think they're both in the wrong for pursuing the relationship.

Purplealienpuke · 29/09/2018 22:30

I can't say anything particularly negative about it. I always dated older men, I always looked and behaved older. At 16 I moved to a different part of the country with an older man (almost twice my age). Obviously parents weren't happy, police couldn't do anything, I was 16. It didn't work. But I didn't stop dating older men.
I'm single now, probably would prefer someone my own.age if I was looking. .
Not as weird as a woman I know (later 40s), 5 kids, who is shacked up with eldest (early 20s) sons best mate! Now that's a step too far, not the age difference but your child's friend is just nasty!

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 29/09/2018 22:33

thisworld how is it technically illegal? If she is over the age of consent, and he is not a teacher or otherwise in a position of trust, then there is nothing illegal about it, technical or not.

Lozz22 · 29/09/2018 22:45

I had just turned 19 when I met my STBXH and he was 29. I’m 33 now and my now Boyfriend is 51 even if I had met my current fella first the 18 year age gap would not have mattered to me in the slightest!!

smackbangwhollop · 29/09/2018 22:49

I have a friend who's daughter is 21 and going out with a family friends relative who's 48. WTF! And there's absolutely nothing my friend can do about it even though the parent finds it totally disgusting.
So.... it could be worse.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 29/09/2018 22:55

I can only talk from experience and say, reserve judgement for now.

My ex was 26 when we split up. We had a 7 year old together.

Within 4 weeks of me leaving him, he had found this new girlfriend who was 17. I was 23 at the time, so it didn't really seem too odd to me. Looking back I can see it slightly differently.

However, we are 10 years on now, and this month they got married, having been together all that time. She has never played stepmum to our son, or been involved in his life in much way at all.

So actually, it worked out fine for all involved. My ex isn't odd, he's a normal person, whom I had a child with at too young an age. We separated because we were very different people by that point. I have never doubted him as a genuine, nice person in society.

So I guess what I'm saying is, making assumptions because of an age gap isn't helpful.

Doghorsechicken · 29/09/2018 22:55

That’s the age gap between my husband and I. We met when I was 21 which I think was probably the cusp. I think it woud’ve been weird if I was younger! But I have to say, at 17 I was (and still am) very into long country walks & hiking. With a dog in tow anyway Smile

Whatsforu · 29/09/2018 23:00

Well I think you do have to look at each individual relationship. There doesn't have to be an age gap for a relationship to be abusive or power imbalance. I think you need to calm down a bit!!!

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 29/09/2018 23:14

It is not an equal relationship and is unlikely ever to be

I was 18 going out with a guy in his early 30’s I was taken in and thought I was so grown up. I met his friends and their girlfriends/wives and although they were nice to me I felt things were a bit off

He of course said they were jealous and felt threaten and being the self absorbed teenager that many are and also naive I believed him. It’s only later I realised they felt pity for me

It’s our right to make bad judgments, be naive and foolish when we are children/young adults it isn’t anyone’s right to take advantage of that and no good person would

I would not be happy if ds at 17/18 was going out with someone who was 30

Sassielassie · 29/09/2018 23:14

I met my now DH when i was 18 + 3days old. I didnt think to ask what age he was and he didnt think to ask me. We were introduced through a mutual friend and hit it off straight away. It was only weeks down the line through a passing conversation we discovered he was 9.5 years older. We both got a bit of a shock tbh. But by then we were getting on so well it seemed irrelevant. That was 27 years ago and we are still happily together. So its not so much about age. Its more about compatibility i think.

Foxcovert · 30/09/2018 09:00

And that turned out so well....

poppy54321 · 30/09/2018 09:27

I remember being 17 and finding an age gap over a few years very strange, I found it creepy when older men pursued me. Now my daughter is 14, she is so very child like mostly that it is inconceivable to think in 3 years she could be dating a 30 year old.

Dam0 · 30/09/2018 09:38

I guess a 21 yr old dating a 39 yr old that lied as ashamed of the age disparrancy and took 10 yrs off that figure to hide peoples judgemental prejudices would denote a level of insecurity and emotional lack of maturity to be 'comfortable' knowing it to be untrue?

placemats · 30/09/2018 09:57

If my 17 year old son came home with a 29 year old girlfriend, I'd be having words!

I'm also reminded of this:

www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=MJEAGd1bQuc

tatim · 30/09/2018 10:04

17 and 29 is very weird.

18 and 29 would be more reasonable as she'd be an adult, but that would still entirely depend on the maturity/nature/circumstances of the girl to decide whether it's okay or not.

CosyLulu · 30/09/2018 10:14

I had a 27 year old boyfriend when I was only just 17. He had his own place and a car and introduced me to loads of things like music and gigs. We were both quite ‘punk’ - well he was very. Nobody batted an eyelid at the time. We had a great 6 months together until he fell in love with someone a bit older than him and buggered off! Confused

IcedPurple · 30/09/2018 10:15

Not as weird as a woman I know (later 40s), 5 kids, who is shacked up with eldest (early 20s) sons best mate! Now that's a step too far, not the age difference but your child's friend is just nasty!

But at least they are both adults. IMO that's a lot less weird than a grown man moving across the country with a barely legal girl. Huge double standards here when the younger partner is male.

JaceLancs · 30/09/2018 10:28

Age gap relationships seem to be a thing in my family!
DM was 18 when she met DF who was 32 they have now been married 58 years
DB was 24 when he met DSIL who was 38 they have now been married 32 years
At 18 I dated someone 14 years older it lasted a good few years we split for non age related reasons and stayed friends then we got together again when I was 35 and he was 49 - never felt any age gap but again we split 5 years later - still friends and staying that way (both mostly single)
One of my ex partners subsequently met and started dating a 16 year old when he was 29 divorced with 2 DC - they went on to get married and had another 4 DC she eventually left him when she met someone else who was actually older

Purplealienpuke · 30/09/2018 10:28

IcedPurple if you've known the young man in question since a kid, your sons friend, how is that not weird? It's caused a huge family rift for her older kids, especially the son who was the friends with the new boyfriend!!
My family didn't know the man I left with...

IcedPurple · 30/09/2018 10:31

IcedPurple if you've known the young man in question since a kid, your sons friend, how is that not weird?

I didn't say it isn't weird. But it's just not as weird as a grown man taking a barely legal girl - who he'd have been in prison for shagging only a few months earlier - across the country, against the will of her parents.

I'm still waiting for all the stories from Mumsnetters who shacked up with teen boys. "Mature" teen boys, naturally.

Gottagetmoving · 30/09/2018 10:34

It depends on the two individuals!
Stop applying rules ffs.