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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the age gap is a bit odd

247 replies

NameC123 · 27/09/2018 23:38

A male friend of mine (29) has started dating a 17 year old, he's being perfectly respectful toward her but AIBU to think the age gap makes it a weird.

He has children and she still lives with her parents.

I haven't said anything as it's frankly none of my business because she's legal but was wondering what others think and whether I'm BU and a bit judgemental?

OP posts:
KungFuPandaWorks · 29/09/2018 17:38

Always will be a mixed bag of opinions when something like this comes up. I always thing of a friend when she was 35 dating an 18 year old lad. She was never once refered to as creepy, or anything else said on here. Was quite the opposite actually she was almost viewed as a hero amongst some of the group. Which baffled me.

GerdaLovesLili · 29/09/2018 17:52

My first serious OH was 12 years older than me, I was 19 when we got together, but I had been living in a flat-share since I was 17.

There's no way at that age that I'd have wanted a partner that already had a child.

So it's not so much the age gap, but the life experience difference that would worry me.

SongforSal · 29/09/2018 17:59

I met Dp when I was 17 and he was 28.......Been together nearly 20yrs. In fairness, I thought he was younger when we met, and he thought I was older. Would hate for anyone to think dp was a dirty old man (based on some of these comments!)

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 29/09/2018 18:02

"Also- same age gap as Princess Diana and Charles - confused" - Yes and that worked out so well! I think it's wrong. They are in very different places in the lives.

Leapfrog44 · 29/09/2018 18:04

@NameC123 Are you ignoring the sexual attraction that can probably go both ways? That a 17 year old is likely to be very sexually attractive to an older man hardly needs spelling out. For her, the lure of an older more experienced man might also be strong. Not every relationship is based on a meeting of minds shall we say...

I imagine the country walks are not primarily for wildlife spotting.
Leave them to it and don't judge!

Thesearmsofmine · 29/09/2018 18:05

I think it’s quite a big gap because 17 is so young.

Having said that my Dbro and Dsil have the same age gap and got together when she was 18, they have now been together 15+ years, married for more than 10 and have children.

Eminybob · 29/09/2018 18:12

I was seeing a 26 year old when I was 17. There was nothing weird about it at all, we had loads in common and got on really well, I didn’t feel any age gap between us at all. And I had been in sexual relationships prior to meeting him (with boys/men closer to my own age).

However, this was the 90’s and I suppose attitudes to this type of thing were much different to what they are now. Plus I had been going out clubbing and drink for a few years before I met him, and that is what we tended to do together.

He was a nice bloke. I stupidly dumped him to get back with my ex before him, who was a complete tool. One of my minor life regrets actually.

ToftyAC · 29/09/2018 18:18

My little sis was the same. Partner had 4 kids and was divorcing. He’s a year younger than me (I’m 18 years older than her). She had her 1st pregnancy at 17/18. She’s now mid 20s with 5 kids. However, as a couple they work together and they’re actually pretty good for each other. He loves her totally and their kids.

Pissedoffdotcom · 29/09/2018 18:20

I'm torn on this one. There's 17 years between me & dp - he has adult kids very nearly my age. Put us together tho & you wouldn't really know the age gap unless we told you (still not sussed out if that's because i'm super mature or he's super immature!).
That said, 17 is still young & she probably won't know what to expect from life. And i'd think that if this was a 17 year old lad & an older woman. They might surprise you & still be together in 10 years, who knows?

wtffgs2 · 29/09/2018 18:32

I'm sure there will be lots of 12 and thereabouts age-gappers telling you it's fine.

It probably isn't. The number of years isn't really relevant it's her youth and inexperience versus his maturity. It does tag him with the creepy older man thing because there's a power imbalance. It would be the same if the genders were reversed (although 17-yo boys are unlikely to appeal to grown women)

I'd tell him my opinion but there isn't a lot else to do.

Is he a good dad? Maintenance paid etc? How is his about-to-go to Uni/hit adulthood GF going to feel about his kids coming first.

Hopefully it will fizzle out.

CruCru · 29/09/2018 18:38

When I was 17 I started going out with a 22 year old. It was serious and he ended up moving to the city I was at university at so we could live together.

It wasn't terrible but I now think God what a waste of my university years. I could have been hanging out with a bunch of people my own age and getting off with boys. Instead I was playing wife to this older dude.

The pity of a big age gap when the younger person is so young is that it is inhibiting. The older person might say that they want their partner to be themselves and to have fun but then when the 17 year old does act their age, they'll get annoyed or make the younger person feel that they are being immature.

It's easy to pick up on this when you are the younger person (particularly if you are hanging around with a load of older friends) and then choose to act older and be more serious.

RedPanda2 · 29/09/2018 18:45

Honestly it's gross. Women his own age don't like him so I bet he goes for young girls and love bombs them.

Bluelady · 29/09/2018 18:50

Who said women his own age don't like him? That's more making it up as you go along than I ever thought possible.

user1468942365 · 29/09/2018 18:54

There's always exceptions and some people do just click.
But, not that it's any of my business whatsoever (and I'd keep my trap shut if I were you!), it's another case of " just because you can, doesn't mean you should" It might be perfectly legal but ...

MrsReacher1 · 29/09/2018 19:00

It's fine. We behave as if young people are children - they are not. Relationships are complex and we get a lot out of them at what ever age.

13 year gap between me and ex. Lasted 30 years - still friends. Not creepy - it was wonderful - he woke me up to the world! I would certainly be happy for my DD if the same happened,

During the wars 16 year olds fought and died, (in many places they are doing so now). . You used to leave school and work for a living at 14 or 15 - many still do - and plenty of 16 year olds worldwide are parents. Not fully mature, no, but certainly not children!!

BrokenWing · 29/09/2018 19:03

I went out with a 34yr old when I was a rebellious teen, nice guy, in hindsight a bit immature, he was an engineer, fun, generous, respectful and we got on well. I knew him from a local pub (in my hardrock/biker phase Blush) which had a mixed age group.

Lasted a few months then fizzled out amicably and a lot less dramatically than some same age relationships. We both had a brilliant time, maybe for different reasons, great sex and no regrets.

It's not that uncommon. I was 17, an adult (in Scotland), although underage for drinking and it was just a part growing up and dating different people.

As long as they are both happy leave them to it, it will probably, like most 17 yr old relationships, fizzle out.

IcedPurple · 29/09/2018 19:05

And i'd think that if this was a 17 year old lad & an older woman.

It pretty much never is though, is it? Look at this thread. Tons of posters defending their teenybopper relationships with grown men, almost none in reverse. I guess being barely legal with a lack of adult experience (however 'mature' these teens might swear they are) is only attractive in females.

They might surprise you & still be together in 10 years, who knows?

Even if they are, that doesn't mean it's OK. After all, Woody Allen is still together and has kids with the woman he groomed when she was the teenaged daughter of his then partner. But nobody here would defend that relationship. Or would they?

SuzieCath · 29/09/2018 19:09

There is an 18 year age gap between me and my DP. I met him when I had just turned 22. We have been together 14 years and have noticed that as we get older the age gap between us does not surprise people as much as it did when I was 22. As long as they are happy, let them be.

IcedPurple · 29/09/2018 19:14

It's not that uncommon. I was 17, an adult (in Scotland), although underage for drinking and it was just a part growing up and dating different people.

Was it also a part of growing up for 17 year old boys to have sexual relationships with women twice their age?

BlindBaker · 29/09/2018 19:15

It’s weird! I’m 32 and have a 17 year old little sister who has a 17 year old boyfriend they are kids!
When I was that age I had men of my age now Intrested in me, i ‘dated’ a 28 year old when I was 16, at the time I was flattered, now older with children of my own I’m disgusted.

barleyreed · 29/09/2018 19:20

My parents met when my Dad was 31 and my Mum 18, they have been together almost 50 years and are so very happy. Never a cross word or argument, they truly are soulmates.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/09/2018 19:22

I would be uncomfortable with this. I know what I was like at 17 and I know what my (now 20 year old) DD was like at 17. She is not legally an adult so yes, it's odd.

Having said that, my DD's father was 11 years older than me BUT I was 25 to his 36. My Dad remarried after my mum died and my stepmother is 26 years younger than him (!). She is only 8 years older than me. However, she is an "old soul" and it doesn't look or seem weird. They are very well suited and she is a lovely wife, my mum would definitely approve and they've been married for more than a decade. My Dad has Alzheimers now as she is utterly devoted to him regardless.

However, in all these stories the age gaps are actually irrelevant as the people concerned were all fully formed, mature adults. At 17, you simply are not. Can you talk to him OP? If it was my close friend, I would certainly be raising concerns as gently as possible. I don't know what you can actually do about any of it though. Tricky!

Pinklady1982 · 29/09/2018 19:24

At 17 I fell deeply in love with a 30 year old man. He was hunky and gorgeous, and was into fast cars , which to me was exciting and it was like having a constant adrenaline rush. Due to very low self esteem during my whole school life it was so flattering. Things were amazing and we did crazy things together, but he started to become very controlling and I was young and naive, constantly wanting to please him. All my friends and family warned me but I didn’t want to listen, and it turned into a mentally abusive relationship, after 6 years I finally got the courage to end things. My now partner who I’ve been with for 7 years is 12 years older but I am 35, and it’s very different. So I agree, it’s the fact she is 17 that makes he difference, and I can see her appeal, but what is his?

ferrier · 29/09/2018 19:29

One doesn't defend that relationship for a different reason though Hmm

There really is some total rubbish being spouted on this thread. The biggest misconception being about 'maturity'.

ferrier · 29/09/2018 19:30

Apologies ... my first paragraph was in reply to IcedPurple at 19.05

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