To think the age gap is a bit odd

[NameC123]

A male friend of mine (29) has started dating a 17 year old, he's being perfectly respectful toward her but AIBU to think the age gap makes it a weird.

He has children and she still lives with her parents.

I haven't said anything as it's frankly none of my business because she's legal but was wondering what others think and whether I'm BU and a bit judgemental?

is there something in your world that makes you very defensive about this?

I'm not sure you understand the definition of the word 'defensive'. I'm not the one defending a relationship between a 29 year old dad and a kid (and yes, she is a kid) living with mummy and daddy.

There’s some clear examples here that sometimes it works out for people

Yes, and I'm sure we all know of people who smoked 50 a day and lived until a ripe old age. That doesn't mean that smoking is OK and that we should just shrug our shoulders when teenagers do it.

I suppose when you think about her still being a school girl and him a father and at a different life stage it’s odd. He can’t take her for a drink in a pub. See an 18 rated film or go clubbing with her.

All though I would be a little wary about this nobody except the couple can say if it is right for them , OP said that he is been perfectly respectful of her . It would be wise for the young ladies parents to keep a eye on the relationship but they should not interfere .
There was a 15 year age gap between me and DH which my DM & DD did not bat a eyelid at because they knew I was sensible enough to make my own mind up , we were very happy together for 18 years .

Off point I know but ,
Icedpurple And presumably you didn't order any wine with your meals, because as a 17 year old the restaurant would have been breaking the law in serving it to you.
No she would not be breaking the law .

I was 17 when i met dp. Was certainly not a child. Similar age gap between us too.
Nothing weird about it. Still together 6 years later. Age gap doesnt bother us or anyone else tbh

When I met my partner I was 18 and he was 29 and we have been together 8 years. It just all depends how mature she is. The fact she isn’t even old enough to drink yet is abit worrying

Also some v controlling parents here. At 17 i had a full time job and did what i wanted! Still lived at home and generally did tell my parents what i was up to but i certainly wasnt asking permission to go out!!

It depends entirely on the person. I was working full time at 16, holidaying by myself, managing my own finances. Compared to my daughter who is at sixth form, she is much more immature than I was at 16.

Glad to read there are similar people on here with similar gaps. No one said we were disgusting, they must have all been talking behind our backs as a previous poster said above

Quite insulting reading that men who date younger girls are creeps. My DH certainly is not, he has been a brilliant father to our children and we have always had plenty in common.

When I was 18 I had a relationship with a 29 year old man. Now, at 30, I can't work out why he was interested as 18 year-olds seem very young to me now but at the time it really wasn't that weird or creepy. The relationship was never going to work long-term as he would never have been able to be the person I needed him to be, but we spent 2 years together and the relationship taught me a lot about who I am and what I wanted in a partner. And it gave me the confidence to refuse to settle for someone who wouldn't be everything I needed him to be. The result of that is that I'm in a wonderful loving marriage and I didn't settle for some arsehole along the way. I'll always be grateful to my ex for giving me that confidence.

It's none of your damn business, you have no idea about their relationship and why does everyone assume that there must be something creepy going on? She is entitled to date who she wants. I have dated older men and there was nothing creepy. And we had things to talk about. Keep your nose out of it. So many judgemental people with nothing to go on but ridiculous prejudices. I hope you feel ashamed of yourselves.

So interesting to read the different responses...I dated a guy who was 31 when I was 19 for a bit, so similar 12 year gap. I do agree that it depends entirely on the people, not the ages.
For me, I was mature for my age, left home just after 16, always worked as well as studied blah blah. Had been going to bars/holidays etc for a good few years. “Streetwise” I guess. I’ve always been fiercely independent.
It always bothered me that people would judge us- he was successful, richer, older but he really didn’t have any power over me, there was nothing he could “give” or “do” that I couldn’t achieve for myself. He had no “hold” over me. He was respectful, kind, interesting and we worked and socialised in the same circles.
He died recently and a “friend” kindly explained that I was upset because I’d been groomed and abused because I was an underdeveloped child. We’re not really friends any more. OP- by all means have a moan on here tomus but please be a neutral watchful friend to this couple. It may not last. It may be innocent. Bit if it isn’t, having people around you playing “I knew it was exploitative!!!” Isn’t helpful either to victims, or non-victims.

By the way in my case we had a relationship it wasn’t just sex ffs. Actually I’d have liked a bit more of that!!!

Well I wouldn't be happy if it was my daughter but in good old fashioned double standards I'd a 32 year old boyfriend when I was 17. He was more serious about me than I was him and it lasted a year till I went to college. He treated me very well, out for dinner, cinema, much better than some horny 17 year old lad. He wanted me to tell my parents and I recall being all " are you kidding, my step mums only 35 , my dads 38, he will kill me".

However in saying that I met him again a few years ago by accident, and he seemed much older, and I have a horrible feeling he may have been older than 32 at thr time. So, hmmm, hence I'm not to keen on the idea.😱

I was seeing a bloke at 17 with exactly the same age difference. We had a fab time together but I ended up ending it. It wasn't the right time.

20 year later we hooked up again and I married him and nearly a decade in were still happy. Sometimes, shit just happens.

I moved in with my dh at 19. So was he. We both thought we were very grown up and were very annoyed with my disapproving parents. Now I have a ds of 19 (and dd of 17) I can see that in fact 19 is very young. dd's best friend is dating a 27 year old and it really worries her. I think it is very inappropriate, I can quite understand the appeal to her, but wonder why the hell he isn't with someone closer in age. Just looking at my ds in the last couple of years and I can see how much growing up he has done, he wasn't particularly immature at 17 but he is so much more confident now. At university one of our friends was dating a 16year old and we all ripped the piss out of him for being a baby snatcher. He'd have been 21 and was (genuinely) a good bloke but the idea of dating a school girl to us was just a bit sick.

So no OP I don't think you are being unreasonable except in not saying anything about it.

11 years is a huge gap at such a young age. I find it very odd, too, OP.

At 17, I dated a 28 year old man and it was so wrong, but I just thought I was being so grown up. In reality, he wanted someone to control and probably found grown women wouldn't have anything to do with him because of that.

When I was 16 I started seeing a guy who was 32. He was lovely, my parents loved him. But he was quite immature. He was fun, kind, totally gave me my space when’s I moved to the opposite end of the country for uni.

We grew apart, I outgrew him and left him. He ended up with another younger woman, they are married with three kids and I am happy for him because he was a nice, happy, loving man and deserved happinesss. He just wasn’t for me.

On paper it was crazy, but if you met us both at the time it was fine.

I hate to do the old “attitudes have changed” line, but a friend said the other day she buggered off for the night after a row with parents over her older boyfriend, he was 25 and she was 15. A much younger friend said “did your parents call the police on him” because obviously that’s now seen as child abduction, whereas at the time it was annoying but not illegal. I’m glad times have changed, it’s a good thing overall. But age gap does not always mean abuse.

These threads pop up now and then and some of the comments are really quite nasty. Op, it is a large gap when she is that age and I also think circumstances make a difference in these situations. At that age I'd been living out of my parents house for over a year, had a full time job and was doing in house NVQs. Some people are not 'kids' at age 17...some are. I met my now husband when I was 17 and him 27. We met at a friends house and I think he assumed I was a similar age (she was 22 at the time). When you meet someone you don't say...hi, I'm keeping up and I'm whatever years old. We went on a date and got on really well, we then asked about ages and I was quite surprised he wasn't younger and he was surprised I wasnt older. But we clicked and things went well. 10 years and three children later things are still going really well. People can judge but there's plenty of people that get together in say, their 30s and it doesn't last. I'm confident and happy in my marriage

I sound a bit like an apologist for dodgy relationships! This thread shows, as Caplin said, if you’d met us you’d think it was fine! I’m just upset about the automatic judgement.
I mean, if you’re 22 and 23 people don’t fixated on it being wrong or go on about sex so much.
And for some age gap relationships it is about power and exploitation, but that’s not a given.

I don't see nothing wrong with it at all, I was 17 when I met my husband he's now in his mid 30s I'm mid20s

I have a 17 year old daughter and I would be extremely unhappy with her dating a 29 year old. She's very much still a child.

🤢

Sorry but it’s weird. At 17 you might think you know it all and you’re all grown up, but you’re not! They can’t even legally go for a drink together... if she was 20 and he 32, it’d still be strange but less so. I’m 25 and OH is 30...we often joke that it’s fortunate we didn’t meet when I was 17 else he’d have felt very uncomfortable!

Grown men who find themselves dating teenagers need to have a word with themselves.

YABU - stop interfering, it's none of your business

If they went for a meal in a restaurant they could have a drink together. Did everyone here wait until they were 18 before they had a drink in a pub? Or see an X rated film? Because I didn't and I bet most other people didn't either. All this pearl clutching is ridiculous.