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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the age gap is a bit odd

247 replies

NameC123 · 27/09/2018 23:38

A male friend of mine (29) has started dating a 17 year old, he's being perfectly respectful toward her but AIBU to think the age gap makes it a weird.

He has children and she still lives with her parents.

I haven't said anything as it's frankly none of my business because she's legal but was wondering what others think and whether I'm BU and a bit judgemental?

OP posts:
MrsHoodwink · 28/09/2018 13:54

Alone*

Derekmorganwasinmybed · 28/09/2018 14:00

When I was 16 I was in a relationship with a 32 year old,at the time I didn’t see anything wrong with it,but now I have a 16 and 17 year I can see it was very wrong

brieislife · 28/09/2018 15:36

I was another one who had a much older boyfriend as a teenager. 18 & 33 when we met. It wasn’t right for us but it wasn’t creepy.

Now my husband and I have almost exactly the same age gap, but in reverse. I’m 39, he’s 23.

Sometimes you just click with a person, regardless of age. It isn’t always dodgy, sometimes it’s just love.

AhYeahOkayThen · 28/09/2018 15:48

It's creepy AF and I say that as someone married to a partner 10.5 years younger than them. There's a big difference though between a couple that's 26 and 36 then 17 and 29.

Even a 5 year gap is a big deal when one is a teenager.

I would never have dated a 17 year old child when I was 27.

Thighofrelief · 28/09/2018 16:04

What is too much of a gap or mature enough though? I'd say I wasn't my fully formed self till i was 35. But i had been emotionally and financially self sufficient and therefore and adult in all senses from 18. At 23 I went out with a 48 year old at the time I was impressed by his Mercedes and Armani suits he was gorgeous. Looking back he was a dick but i was in it as much as him.

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 28/09/2018 16:06

I was 17 when I met my ex-husband. He was 24 with a career, home etc (easier to do in those days). We didn't actually start dating til a year later and got married when I was 23. Things were different then and it wasn't seen as a big deal. It obviously didn't work out for us but it was nothing to do with our ages. My dd is now 17 and I would be horrified if she was to date a guy in his mid to late 20s. We've even discussed the fact that I was the same age she is now when I met her dad and she said it's just weird. And that's just 7 years age difference. Add on another several years to that and I think in this day and age it's not right. The age difference itself isn't the issue, it's the difference in life stages, especially since the OP's friend has kids.

Bubblysqueak · 28/09/2018 16:12

I don't find it odd. I met DH at 18 and he was 28. We're now 40 and 30 and it doesn't sound half as bad.

IcedPurple · 28/09/2018 16:28

coming from a “grown woman” who was with a 17/18 year old and are still together years later, noone honestly batted an eyelid

I'm willing to bet that behind your back, they were doing that and more.

everyone on this thread is assuming she’s in school

Well, it says she lives with her parents so the high probability is that, like most 17 year olds, she is indeed at school. The number of 17 years olds who have 'really well paying jobs' is tiny, unless they're models or professional footballers.

Id have been really annoyed if someone tried to claim I wasn’t an adult by that point

Well, if you are under the age of 18 you are legally NOT an adult, no matter how 'mature' you might think you are. If you worked for the government, you must know that.

IcedPurple · 28/09/2018 16:30

At 23 I went out with a 48 year old at the time I was impressed by his Mercedes and Armani suits he was gorgeous.

While I'd still side-eye a 48 year old who dated a 23 year old, there's a BIG difference between 23 and 17. At 23, you're an adult, a young adult, but still. A 17 year old is a minor. Not the same thing at all.

firef1y · 28/09/2018 17:07

just to put this in a different light
My Mum was 16 and Dad 40 when they had me and married, they're still together and happy 46 years later.

OutPinked · 28/09/2018 17:10

I find it weird because I am a similar age to him and I teach 17 year olds. I have very little in common with them and I certainly do not find any of them remotely attractive... It would not enter my mind to look at them in such a way.

IcedPurple · 28/09/2018 17:16

I'm glad your parents are happy, firef1y but nothing will ever make me look at a 40 year old man getting a barely legal girl pregnant in any sort of 'different light'. It's just wrong. Had your mother been just a few months younger, he'd have been in gaol. Don't tell me those few months made her magically mature.

NameChange0000 · 28/09/2018 17:18

It's none of your business! They can do what they want.

VioletFlamingo · 28/09/2018 17:27

I'm on the 'it's weird' side...I also worry for her (in many ways including her vulnerability).
My dad had an affair when he was 40 with a 17 year old. He had 2 kids with her and then moved on and had another affair when he was nearly 60 with a 27 year old who is pretty vulnerable.
I'm sorry but you cannot say anything about it other than he has a problem/obsession and, perhaps because of my experiences, I always find it disgusting and worrying when huge age gaps exist and there is huge imbalance of vulnerability, power, money, experience etc.

Peanutbuttershake · 28/09/2018 17:29

The younger you are, the more amplified age gaps will be. The differences between the life experiences of a 17 year old and a 29 year old are far more significant than say, a 40 year old and a 52 year old. Yes, there are mature 17 year olds and immature 29 year olds but these would be outliers. In general, I don't think a relationship with these age gaps can be conducted on an equal footing.

AamdC · 28/09/2018 17:33

Well she could be at college or doing an apprentice @Iced Purple i know in Mumsnet land 17 yroldsare all at school doing A levels but backin the real world that often isnt the case

ferrier · 28/09/2018 17:37

There is a far wider variation in the maturity levels of the entire population of say 50 year olds than there is between the average 17 year old woman and the average 29 year old man. Maturity is not something that necessarily comes with age.

As for the 'how can they have anything in common' comments. It's just ludicrous to suggest that a 17 year old can't have enough in common with a 29 year old to have a relationship with them. I have far more in common with some 17 year olds of my acquaintance, than many of the 50something year olds I know. I'll give an example. I have nothing in common with my sister except our shared childhood. There's no common ground in anything that she or I do. But my niece, who admittedly is now 19 not 17, has many interests I share and I would very happily spend a lot more time with her.

She's also fully house trained, doesn't spend all her time posting selfies on social media, doesn't roll in at 5am after a night out and so far as I know meets up to any 'maturity' standards that anyone might wish to impose.

cabingirl · 28/09/2018 17:40

It's not the age gap that's odd - if they were 27/39 or 37/49 etc it wouldn't raise an eyebrow.

It's that right now she is still a child.

IcedPurple · 28/09/2018 17:41

Well she could be at college or doing an apprentice @Iced Purple

Yes, she could be. Though chances are she is at school. Most 17 year olds are.

Not that it really matters. She's a legal minor living at home with mummy and daddy. What normal adult considers such a legal minor to be a suitable partner?

AamdC · 28/09/2018 17:45

In your world they might in my town non of the schopls have sixtjh forms so people have to go to college and the college does all kinds of coyrses including Alevels and also had mature students so itsnot like school at all.

IcedPurple · 28/09/2018 17:46

There is a far wider variation in the maturity levels of the entire population of say 50 year olds than there is between the average 17 year old woman and the average 29 year old man.

That's just simply not true. The brain of a 17 year old isn't even fully developed. In this case, the girl - and she is a girl, not a woman - lives with her parents. The man has children, presumably has had jobs, paid rent and had at least one long-term relationship. There is simply no comparison.

There's no common ground in anything that she or I do. But my niece, who admittedly is now 19 not 17, has many interests I share and I would very happily spend a lot more time with her.

Would you happily have sex with one of her slightly younger male friends, and take him out to meet all of your friends, assuming his mother agreed that he could go out for the evening?

Marie0 · 28/09/2018 17:48

I met my DH when I was 17, he was 26. We've been happy and together for 28 years

MadameJosephine · 28/09/2018 17:50

When I was 17 I had a boyfriend who was 10 years older than me so I can’t say I’d be too bothered based simply on age. We were together for two years and had lots in common

Bluelady · 28/09/2018 17:57

All this "she's still a child" stuff may technically be true but she's literally months away from legally being an adult. When I was 17 I was earning my own living and had moved away from home. If anyone had told me I was still a child they'd have got very short shrift.

It's not going to last so the stepmother comments are ridiculous. I can only think you don't think much of your friend, OP, if you assume she's not in safe hands.

MrsHoodwink · 28/09/2018 20:14

@IcedPurple is there something in your world that makes you very defensive about this? Because you are speaking to people in such an unnecessary tone

I can understand it’s “weird” to some, and yes I bet people would talk about it behind our backs (as they probably talk about many things) but if two people are happy and there’s no abuse of power then let them be happy

There’s some clear examples here that sometimes it works out for people

I’ve never met anyone since the day I met DP that thought he was under the age of 21 and that isn’t based on appearance. Not all 17 year olds are the same Hmm just as not all 50 year olds are either

Although I met my DP 2 days before his 18th birthday, we didn’t becoming official until about 6 months later and we started out as best friends with no romantic intent because we had so much in common

Where I live most 16 year olds go straight into apprenticeships but obviously it’s different everywhere