To think the age gap is a bit odd

[NameC123]

A male friend of mine (29) has started dating a 17 year old, he's being perfectly respectful toward her but AIBU to think the age gap makes it a weird.

He has children and she still lives with her parents.

I haven't said anything as it's frankly none of my business because she's legal but was wondering what others think and whether I'm BU and a bit judgemental?

we have no women on here telling us all about how they met a lovely 'mature' 17 year old boy when he was living at home with mum and dad, and then went on to marry and have kids within a few years. Strange, that

Not strange at all. Women are less likely to have that age gap relationship because boys that age are generally less mature than girls that age. Then you have the attitude of people who would condemn them even more than do men in that situation.

Not strange at all. Women are less likely to have that age gap relationship because boys that age are generally less mature than girls that age.

Even IF that's true, the difference in "maturity" is only likely to be equivalent to a year or two - even a 'mature' 17 year old girl is still going to be vastly less mature than a 29 year old dad, despite the nonsense you read on this thread. Secondly, again even if true, it's only a generalisation. So there will be some boys who are mature for their age, and some girls who are immature. So you would still expect to see at least some stories from women telling us all about their lovely 'mature' teen boyfriend. But you don't.

And at any rate, if anyone seriously believes that a grown man chooses a teenaged girl as a sexual partner because she is 'mature', they are seriously delusional. It's very much more likely that precisely the opposite is true.

Then you have the attitude of people who would condemn them even more than do men in that situation.

Well, I agree with that. Even though you could make a pretty strong argument that a relationship between an older woman and a teenage boy is significantly less risky than the reverse, given that women are much less likely to be abusive than men (though of course it does happen) and the dreaded teen pregnancy obviously isn't a risk.

But I guess extreme youth and inexperience just aren't considered virtues when it comes to males.

I subscribe to the half plus seven rule, so for a 29 year old, no-one younger than 21.

When I read it I made this face

I think it's a bit off.

Purely by percentage, I know a lot more teenage girls having crushes and fancying older men than boys fancying older woman. It's not just all at the older person's door.
I had a massive crush on someone 11years senior when I was a teen. I never let on but the love and emotions were very strong and if he had given me any signals, no horses would have held me back.
One of my male friends at 18 started a relationship with a 40 year old. There were other factors at play but from our teenage perspective it was his relationship and it was ok for us. I dread to think now what her friends thought of it. She may have kept him a secret, no idea. However, 20 years on they are still together.

And at any rate, if anyone seriously believes that a grown man chooses a teenaged girl as a sexual partner because she is 'mature', they are seriously delusional

I'm not sure anyone chooses somebody on the basis that they are mature. I know men and women a lot older who are ridiculously immature.
People are not just an age...there will be common interests, humour, physical attraction, personality.
It's assumed that physical attraction is all that will interest all men for some perverse reason, which is nonsense because unattractive people would never get a partner.
I don't doubt that are predators...Men who lust after young females, but to assume that's always the case whenever you hear of this situation is ridiculous.
If you don't know the individuals involved your judgement is based on ignorance.

I had a massive crush on someone 11years senior when I was a teen. I never let on but the love and emotions were very strong and if he had given me any signals, no horses would have held me back.

Right. But as a responsible adult, he of course would NOT give you any 'signals'. That's the thing.

I'm a teacher. Like many female teachers, I've had much younger men boys really - form a crush on me. However, as I responsible adult I would never encourage them by giving them 'signals'. Let them flirt with kids their own age.

It's not just all at the older person's door.

When the older person is an adult, and the younger person is a legal minor, it kind of is.

If you don't know the individuals involved your judgement is based on ignorance.

I know that the man is 29 years old and has children.

I know that the girl (yes, she's a girl, not a woman) is 17 years old and lives with mum and dad.

If you honestly, genuinely think that the two could be in any way comparable with regards to 'maturity' (though I'm yet to hear a satisfactory definition of what that means other than excusing adult men having sexual realtionships with teen girls) then I'll probably never convince you otherwise.

And of course you don't know them either. There's always this assumption that the younger partner (99% of the time a girl) is magically 'mature' but for all we know she could just as well be very immature, and that's why she's fallen for a dad 12 years her senior, and that is why he is attracted to her.

People are not just an age...there will be common interests, humour, physical attraction, personality.

How does this work though? And isn't it funny that the 'not just an age' thing almost only works in favour of men?

As I said above, I teach young people that age or slightly older. Many of them are indeed funny, clever and yes, physically attractive. However, I would never allow myself to even entertain thoughts of how fit they are - if such a thought momentarily comes into my head I remind themselves of their youth and immediately dismiss it - let alone 'date' one of them. Because they are still at a formative stage in their development and should spend it with someone their own age. And this despite what I said above about how, despite all the excuses made here for older men dating teenage girls but rarely the reverse, for an older woman to date a very young man is probably a lot less risky than the other way round.

Most adults would immediately dismiss the idea of dating a teenager, however 'attractive'. This man must have known this girl was 17 very soon after he met her - inevitable unfounded speculation that she was 'mature' and 'looked much older than her age' aside. And he chose to pursue a sexual relationship with her fully aware of that. Relationships don't just 'happen'. The individuals involved make them happen. And this 29 year old dad chose to 'date' a 17 year old girl who lives with mum and dad.

As a teacher you are duty bound to operate in this way and if it helps to have a fixed viewpoint on the maturity or otherwise of 17 year olds then that's fine.

Back out in the wider world, we can respond more flexibly to relationships. Experience tells me that there is a very wide range in maturity at any age.
Besides, why should maturity be a key attractant? I personally value other things more highly - fun, activity, interesting, intelligent, curious.

There's always this assumption that the younger partner (99% of the time a girl) is magically 'mature' but for all we know she could just as well be very immature, and that's why she's fallen for a dad 12 years her senior, and that is why he is attracted to her

I'm not assuming anything...my point is, in this case we don't know! You are the one issuing a blanket ban on such relationships and assuming the girl is an immature victim of a predator.
If we assume you are correct in all you say, then there should be a law that men over the age of say, 25, must not have a sexual relationship with a female under the age of 21.
There isn't much difference between age 17 and 18....and yet the age of consent is 16 must be ridiculous if the female needs to be protected from males over a certain age.

As a teacher you are duty bound to operate in this way and if it helps to have a fixed viewpoint on the maturity or otherwise of 17 year olds then that's fine.

It's not just because I'm a teacher. If I meet teenagers in any capacity - which admittedly isn't that often, since adults and teenagers don't tend to interact that frequently (where are all these adult men meeting these teen girls?) I would never ever even consider pursuing a relationship with them. If I briefly thought one was older than his age - which agains doesn't happen that often despite what you read here - I'd instantly dismiss all thoughts about him once I found out he was a teenager. I suspect the vast majority of people over the age of around 25 would do the same.

Back out in the wider world, we can respond more flexibly to relationships. Experience tells me that there is a very wide range in maturity at any age.

Again, I'm yet to hear a satisfactory definition of what 'maturity' is and how it magically eliminates more than a decade of important life experiences.

But only for females.

Besides, why should maturity be a key attractant?

That was my point! A 29 year old dad might be attracted to a 17 year old girl for many reasons, but you can be damn sure that her 'maturity' is not one of them!

I'm not assuming anything...my point is, in this case we don't know!

To repeat:

We know the man is 29 and is a dad.

We know the girl is 17 and lives with her parents.

It takes a huge amount of mental gymnastics to pretend that this could in any way be a balanced relationship.

You are the one issuing a blanket ban on such relationships and assuming the girl is an immature victim of a predator.

I'm not banning anything. Just because something is legal doesn't mean it's healthy. I never said she was 'immature' beyond the usual ways in which 17 year old girls who live at home almost are immature relative to 29 year old dads. Nor did I use the word 'predator' though yes, I do think adults (men and women though it's virtually always the former) should allow teenagers to grow up on their own terms. They'll have the opportunity to experience the joys of planning their dates around their boyfriend's childcare arrangements a few decades down the line.

If we assume you are correct in all you say, then there should be a law that men over the age of say, 25, must not have a sexual relationship with a female under the age of 21.

But that isn't what I said. As I said above, 'legal' does not equal 'good'. It's legal to cheat on your partner - and many long-term relationships start out that way (one of the excuses constantly on offer here) - but that doesn't mean cheating is right.

We know the man is 29 and is a dad.We know the girl is 17 and lives with her parents

And that is pretty much all we know, which is the whole point...that we need to know the individuals involved to be able to judge motives.

I would reserve judgements until actual facts were known.

My friends were the same age when they started dating and they have just had their pearl wedding anniversary. It is actually none of any ones business really just stop seeing them if it upsets you.

Imo, anything that doesn’t meet the ‘half your age + 7’ rule is rather 🧐🤨

My father was 16 years older than my mother, but she was 26 when they married, not a teenager. Still, she didn't have much fun after that - maybe more to do with his personality than the age gap. If I had a 17yo DD I wouldn't be happy with her having a BF so much older.

I have a 17 yr old daughter, this would not make me happy, her dad even less so 😑

I was 18 when I started dating a 30 year old. I worked in a shop, he was a regular customer, he guesstimated my age to be older (I've always been quite mature) and I had no idea how old he was.

My female peers were intrigued, my male peers were pretty disgusted, my parents were really cool about it. He was worried/embarassed and didn't tell all of his friends my age. Only one of them expressed disgust to our faces.

I honestly never noticed the age difference when we were together, unless people made the mistake of assuming we were father and daughter!!!! We just clicked.

11 years on, we have a home and 2 children together.

I agree with iced purple. Where are the success stories of older women dating young boys?

I'm only 25 and don't bother with anyone relationship wise under 22, let alone 17.

My best mate's dad was 18 year older than her mum. He was very close friends with her parents; he met her when he was 18.

They were married very happily until she died, slightly prematurely, at age 65; he lived well into his 80s.

Age gaps matter in primary. I think once adult they matter very much less.

I dated all sorts of much older men from when I was about 17, men in their 30s, because I found younger men just dumb and boring. You can have a good conversation with an older man. God knows why a chap in his 30s wants to spend time with a woman that young though! *

• I didn't shag any of those poor sods. Just for the record.

typo! He lived well into his 90s.